Title: How to save a life
Author: Linnéa
Raiting: K
Summary: MS The end of a great love. AU, Samantha's POV. Song-fic to The Frays 'How to save a life'. Reviews make me very happy! Warning for a lot of angst and sadness.
Disclaimer: I don't own Without a trace, or the characters. If I did this would never happen I on the show.
A/N: Hey you guys, I'm back in Smarty-world! Feels great to be in the process of writing again, this might just be a one-shot, but I'm working on a multichapter-fic too, though that will probably take a while before it's ready to be posted.
Anyway, season 4 has just started airing here in Sweden, so I've got some new inspiration, finally!
The Fray are one of my favourite bands and they've done some great songs, so as I recently downloaded 'How to save a life' to my mp3, I realised how the lyrics fitted really well with an AU MS break-up. I also got some inspiration from a Brooke/Lucas-scene in One tree hill…
Samantha's POV
My gaze gets stuck on his back as he walks out of my apartment, and I realise that I have to tell him. You have to be brave Sam, I say to myself, you have to do it, don't think so much. You know it's not working; you've postponed it for months, now it's time. I know this could be my only chance, so I take it.
"Martin, wait!" I shout after him, as he's just about to close the door.
We've spent another ordinary Friday-evening with a silent dinner and a movie in my apartment, and I feel sad knowing that this will probably be the last we ever have.
He turns around with a surprised look on his face, wondering what it is that I want. I think he already knows when he looks in to my eyes; he's just not willing to admit it to himself yet.
"What?"
It seems hours of silence pass before I say something, but I know it's just a couple of seconds. Still, it's enough for a thousand thoughts to run through my head, and even though I hesitate I decide that I have to say them, the four words that both of us know is coming:
"We need to talk".
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
If he gets that I'm breaking up with him, which I think is pretty obvious, he sure hides it well. He has a hard look in his eyes, one that I'm not familiar with, as he forces a polite but plastered smile on to his face.
I just stand like that, frozen as I watch him, for awhile I think he's going to ignore me and leave, but then he enters my apartment once again and uncomfortably sits down on my living room couch.
He's never ever been uncomfortable in my home, not even the first morning after. But now I can see how he'd really like to be somewhere else, and it feels strange.
Right now, I'm so close to telling him it was nothing and backing out, just because I'm scared of how he's going to react, if he'll be mad or just sorry. I really don't know which one I prefer.
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
"Martin…" I start, so unsure of myself.
I'm standing behind the couch, and he's sitting on it, distantly looking out the window. But when I call his name, he slowly turns his head around to look at me, afraid of what's coming next.
"I…I just, God I'm so sorry… I wish"
"You wish what Samantha?" his angry voice abruptly interrupts my explanation.
I stand shocked, caught of guard by his sudden outburst of anger. I had known it might become ugly, and that he'd be mad in some ways, but I didn't expect anger to be his first feeling.
"……I wish it was working, you and me, I wish we were working Martin," I whisper as tears start streaming down my face.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
After that everything went all blurry, he screamed and fought for me as tears fell down both our faces like never before, but no matter what he said or did, he couldn't save us.
He couldn't save us because I wouldn't listen. I had made up my mind, but had no idea what the consequences of my actions were. At the time it felt right. We needed to be over for awhile at least.
But now he's gone. And not just for a while. What we were is gone forever.
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
"Martin, listen to me..." I say as I sit down next to him on the couch.
"Why should I listen, Sam, why?" He looks into my eyes, wanting an explanation I feel that I don't possess.
"Because deep inside, you know that I'm right. We're NOT working, not even close, and we haven't been for a long time…" I try to make him understand until the very end.
"It doesn't mean that it has to be over, that can change"
But I don't hear him, my decision is final and he can't change it.
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
For a while neither of us say anything, we just sit silently next to each other, thoughts and feelings swirling inside my head, trying to figure out how to make the next move without causing anymore pain.
"Do you remember, do you remember when we were in love Martin?" I ask him. I wait and get no answer, so I continue:
"You know as well as I do that we're not what we used to be. I want that, I want to have that kind of love again. That's why I'm doing this, for both of us. You deserve to have that again too…"
"But not with you, right? I can't have it with you. If you haven't realised it yet Samantha, you're the one that I want."
That just forces another cascade of violent tears to pour down my face.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
My shaking hand strokes his stubbly cheek and turns his head towards me, so that I can get lost in the pools of his eyes one more time, not knowing if it'll be the last.
"We used to tell each other everything…"I whisper as I continue to stroke his cheek. "But now...it feels like you're miles away..."
He turns his head away in a gesture of hate, so I whisper in his ear as I let my hands run through the messy hair at the back of his neck:
"We're drifting further and further apart, the gap between us is just so big. You're so distant all the time, it's just feels like you're pushing me away instead of letting me in and telling me what's wrong."
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
"Oh, so now it's MY fault?!" He stands up and yells at me. "YOU'RE the one that's breaking up with ME, not the other way around!"
He's furious, I can tell by the way he's pacing the floor, mumbling to himself. I know that I can't get worked up right now; I have to let him calm down.
"I'm sorry Martin; I just don't know what else to do"
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
I've opened up my heart and told him how I truly feel for the first time in months, yet it feels like nothing inside of me has changed. I thought it would be a release to tell him everything, that it would feel good not to have to try and figure out our relationship anymore. But it doesn't feel good. Not at all.
It's out of my hands now; I've tried so hard to make him understand. But I can can't do anything more, the boll is on his court. He has to decide what happens next.
I wonder if he'll admit to being a part of destroying our relationship, or if he'll come up with some lame excuse. I know he needs time, but I still have hope that one day he can forgive me and we can be friends. However I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
"Things change, Samantha. We're not what we used to be, because I'm not the same, and you're not the same. Our world is not the same. We can't stop time".
I sit quiet, thinking about what he said. In a way, he's right. I haven't thought about it that way before, but there's no reason to stop now. I have to finish this, tonight.
"But when thing's change, true love remains the same". As soon as I utter those words and see the way he looks at me, I know it's over. He's given up trying to convince me; he's given up on us. Just like I did a long time ago.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
I walk up to him one last time, wanting to have a moment with him before the end. I take his hand in mine and try to make him look at me, but he refuses, so I go on anyway.
"Martin, if we were meant to be, then our love wouldn't have changed. I do still love you, I always will, but it's not enough…"
He closes his eyes, and I know that he loves me too. He always has, like no other man. I know what we had was great, fantastic even, but now it's over.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
So now I sit here, alone with nothing but my bad conscience. I don't know what went wrong when it felt so right, but I know it is wrong. This was not the way it was supposed to be.
I was supposed to feel free, but I don't. I feel trapped, and depressed. I might never get to meet a guy like Martin again, and I miss him already.
I would have done anything in the world, had I known how to save our love.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a love.
The End