CONFESSIONS by Anastasia Koroleva

1.

Lily and Mary made their way slowly through the various halls and corridors of Hogwarts castle, searching for signs of where James Potter and Avery Grey could have possibly got to. Just then, they heard a door creak and bodies disappear through a doorway. Lily recognized the hallway as the one that contained only one classroom – the old Transfiguration classroom. They tiptoed in silence towards it and Mary glanced at Lily and grinned. They were going to finally get those bastards!

"No way."
"Yes, way."
"No bloody way."
"Lily, shut up, I'm trying to concentrate!"

Mary pressed her ear to the door behind which two boys had disappeared a moment earlier. Lily was still staring at the door, looking half as though she wished she were somewhere far away from here at the moment, half as if her eyes were going to burst with incredulity.

"You so can not pretend you're not interested. I mean Potter and Grey sneaking off into a room? If you ask me, I'd say it's something fishy," stated Mary.

Lily giggled in spite of her self. She didn't need Mary to tell her that this was indeed more than fishy. What could the only two males in her now-nonexistent love life possibly be talking about after hours, in the old Transfiguration classroom which hasn't been used in years - not since that silly Moaning Myrtle scared the daylights of some poor first-year girl, and the girl sprinted around the school screaming that they were all going to die. Lily was sure that this was a myth, considering that a genius like Dumbledore couldn't possibly believe that kind of silly story - he probably knew the castle like the back of his hand, and there was no way there would be any threat to the students hidden anywhere within it (even though the girl was sure she was telling the truth). Lily shifted her gaze back to the stone door, trying to concentrate on the task at hand, which currently was to eavesdrop on James Potter and Avery Grey.

"Good Lord, what could they be talking about?! What could they be doing?" Mary exclaimed wildly. The stone door proved to be soundproof (or something of the sort). Lily wondered why an old Transfiguration classroom had a seemingly soundproof stone door. Then again, that detail was part of a myth. And Lily never believed myths. Not most myths.

"Oh my God. Maybe Potter's gay!" Mary said, looking bewildered all of a sudden. Lily scowled. That would certainly explain this, but was as likely as Dumbledore doing shows in Muggle circuses.
"Potter? The one that switched out of Divination to Ancient Runes, just for the sake of being in the same classroom with me?" Lily answered, sounding very sceptical. "And Avery? The one who doesn't miss a chance to grab a girl's a anytime he passes one by that he considers worth grabbing?" Lily sighed.
"Oh, don't be going on about that, you're over him. You never know."
"Well, in fact, I know that he's not over me," replied Lily. "And let me tell you, he's not about to go and pick a fancy on Potter anytime soon. Those two are like... well, me and Potter - the worst of enemies. But I bet you they're just discussing me again or something like that. God, I'm so tired of them, constantly at it, as if my answer to going out with them would change anytime soon," she sighed again.

Mary thought this statement not to be very modest of Lily, but Lily definitely had her reasons, although Mary wouldn't at all have minded some attention from any guy these days (other than begging her to do their homework for them). Instead of picking a fight now, she turned back to the stone door to try eavesdropping one last time, but it proved unnecessary. She gasped as Potter and Grey stood outside the door, which was now ajar, both grinning from ear to ear. Lily sincerely hoped they didn't hear their pathetic conversation.

"You flatter yourself too much, Evans," said Potter, looking half-amused.
"And you keep your idiotic head out of other people's business!" Lily snapped back.
"Gees, look who's talking," Avery Grey answered at her, looking just as amused as Potter.

Lily made a face. There was no way in hell he was going to side against her now. Not after what happened between them. Unable to come out with a suitable come back, she glanced at Mary, doing her best to look desperate while still looking as if she had some dignity left. Mary gave her a knowing look - Lily could always count on her to back her up. Mary was a master at improvisation.

"I'll have you know, McGonagall sent us," she said smartly. "You morons couldn't have looked more obvious leaving your dormitories, meeting up. She knew something was up and sent us!"

She looked very triumphant, but the look was instantly wiped from her face as she realized the absurdity of what she was saying. Not even Mary herself could get herself out of this. Lily stifled a laugh and watched on; this was out of her control.

"McGonagall sent you?" Avery said incredulously. But it was obvious he thought the story to be a complete -and-bull one and him and Potter erupted with laughter.
"The woman's not an idiot!" Potter exclaimed, wiping away tears. "Wouldn't she have come herself?!"

This proved too much for him to handle, and Lily wondered how Sirius Black would have reacted when he heard Mary's sad attempt at a smart retaliation - it was a fact that he loved a good laugh (at times though, to Lily's uttermost irritation as the laugh was probably at her expense). Even though the thought itself made Lily want to burst with laughter herself, she stopped herself remembering that these guys were poking fun at her best friend. She made a face that she really hoped imitated deepest loathing (seeing as she was going to also burst with laughter any second now) and backed up her friend.

"Seeing as you don't believe us, you can go up to her office right now! I'd say she expected you earlier, but you held yourselves and us up with this rather pointless conversation. So," Lily loved sounding so smart and sympathetic-even-though-I'm-really-not-because-you're-an-ahole. "I'd skip off to her office right now if I were you," she finished in one smooth sentence.

The boys actually looked serious or a second, as though they actually believed her (to the girls' uttermost surprise) but the next second they were doubling over in laughter. Even Mary looked doubtful about this sad excuse. But hoping to regain some dignity, the girls made to stomp out of the hallway to the Gryffindor common room, when Potter finally found the breath to extract some words from his currently-hysterical self.

"Oh, you can go stomp all you want. But you have to admit it Evans - you want me!" Lily stopped dead in her tracks and glared at Potter. Even Avery was no longer looking as, err, amused. "You were so eavesdropping on us. You so want me," he half sneered, half imitated flirting.
"Or me," Avery added quickly. Potter raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, she was eavesdropping on both of us so..." he attempted an explanation, but Lily was already rolling her eyes.
"Eh. You're contradicting yourself. So, proving my earlier statement, you have no business questioning us on anything. Also," she added, suddenly inspired, "you must have been eavesdropping on us seeing as you weren't exactly included our conversation. Considering all of... err, that, I was definitely not 'over-flattering myself' as you so kindly put it," finished Lily sarcastically, knowing that she must have looked slightly flushed; saying something like this really took a lot out of her. She wasn't really rebellious enough to stand up to someone like that. But she deemed Potter's case special enough to make an exception.

Avery and James really looked like they weren't ready to accept defeat, so turned to rolling their eyes as the finishing 'statement' to this rather silly argument.

Seeing this, Lily and Mary spun on their heel and stormed to their common room, trying their best to look mad, but as they turned a corner and were sure to not be seen by the boys, they erupted with laughter.

"God, that was, err... interesting," Mary said as she regained some of her breath - they were now climbing up stairs and doing this at the same time as laughing uncontrollably proved a challenge.
"There is no way we are doing this again."
"Oh, come on, I know you want to know what was going on in there!"
"I'm sticking with my old suspicions - they were probably discussing how the green dress looked on me in Hogsmeade," Lily replied smoothly. Then she realized something. "God, I'm acting like Potter, all full of myself and all," she giggled. "I hope you're not offended."
"Wizengamot," said Mary to the Fat Lady, who opened the door to the common room and Mary paused in the doorway and raised her eyebrows at Lily. "No worries. Just remember, when you snog Potter that I want Lupin and Potter's friends with him," she said grinning.
"Snog Potter? Are you out of your mind? What in the name of Merlin would-"
"It's like he said himself - you so want him."

Lily's jaw dropped and she smacked her friend on the shoulder sheepishly and they both giggled. Lily did not want James Potter and never would. Or would she? No. No way. She pushed this gruesome thought out of her mind, imagining what the world would have to come to for her to want Potter. The only male Lily had ever come close to fancying was Avery Grey. And we all know how that turned out.

OOO

Back in the hallway on the third floor, James and Avery stood there, now dumbfounded. They glanced at each other coldly. This meeting with Lily was certainly unexpected and they hoped they'd acted as nonchalant as possible about their own secret meeting. This was after all a discussion certainly not fit for talk in the Great Hall or any other hallway for that matter, and they were not in the same house, so dormitories don't count - James being in Gryffindor, and Avery in Ravenclaw. Plus, this was strictly business and everyone knew that business has to be kept between the dealers; they couldn't have people gossiping around about this kind of stuff.

They walked towards the split in the hallway in silence. Finally when they were to part ways, Avery gave James a wave which James returned only half-heartedly, and strolled back to the Gryffindor tower, replaying the events of the past few minutes in his head, making sure to remember every word Lily had said, savouring it all. He really was hoping she wanted him but knew better than to get his hopes up.

OOO

Lily and Mary returned to their dormitory to find one of their other friends buried deep in homework.

"So you've really decided to pull a Mary," said Lily smirking in Mary's direction. All of them loved to make fun of her fondness of staying on top of school work.

Mary scowled at Lily as she got ready to go to bed. The girl on the four-poster next to Lily's, who was writing away almost furiously on the parchment, sighed.

"Stupid Binns, assigning a six foot long essay on a Friday."
"Tanya! You have the whole weekend for Christ's sake!" Lily exclaimed. "Even Mary's not doing it yet."
"That's because I'm done. Finished it during the lunch hour," said Mary proudly form under the covers.

Someone from outside of this friendship would have expected them to stare in astonishment at Mary, but Lily scoffed and she and Tanya exchanged knowing looks. They were used to Mary always having all homework finished two weeks (or something like that) before it's due. They even gave up trying to beat her at it when Mary realized the competition and made her own Defence Against the Dark Arts essay five times longer than needed. The girls were sure that the teacher didn't even bother marking it and just gave her an A.

"How did the spying go anyway?" Tanya asked, not turning away from her essay.

Lily and Mary told the story to Tanya who was so amused by it she even stopped scribbling about animagus rebellions for a minute to listen.

"Lily... why do you not want Potter anyway?" Tanya ventured once they could no longer laugh and were all a little calmer.

Lily didn't reply because she knew her excuses were getting weak. James had stopped being a bully last year, only occasionally cracking jokes about Severus Snape. But Snape really had deserved those jokes, himself being very against Muggle-born witches and wizards, so Lily could hardly use James' bullying on him as an excuse because she could feel no sympathy for the greasy-haired and crooked nosed kid no matter how hard she tried. In fact, now that she looked at the situation more clearly, there was no real reason for Lily despising James now. But she couldn't just be friendly to him. She couldn't bring herself to do it. It felt wrong just thinking about it. A sudden leap in your heart when thinking about being friendly with Potter does mean that it's wrong doesn't it?

Lily turned to the window, well aware that Mary and Tanya were still gazing at her expectantly. She surveyed the dark November night outside for a minute, then gave them an annoyed look.

"You know, let's just forget it. Look, it's Hogsmeade tomorrow. We'll need plenty of sleep for that," Lily said, making sure that this conversation would be over.

Mary rolled over and was now turned away from the two girls, facing the dark corner in which her bed stood so her expression was not visible to Lily, but she knew it must have been one of great irritation. Tanya shrugged and turned back to her essay for History of Magic.

"Wonder where Keenyah and Trisha are," muttered Tanya, referring to the other two girls who lived in their dormitory with them. Tanya yawned widely.
"Probably lurking about," Lily muttered back, just as sleepily as Tanya had. "I suppose they're still trying to get a glimpse of Black in his knickers. When will they stop sneaking into his dormitory?"
"They really are abusing the privilege."
"Let them." Lily sighed.
"Good night then, I suppose."
"Night."
"Night," Mary chimed in to their surprise.

Lily knew her totally unnecessary boy drama was annoying her friends, but was glad to know that they still had her back no matter how unfriendly they acted towards the situation. Her mind now drifted off to Avery. Lily instantly regretted it because she knew it would keep her up at night, the same question that always refused to leave her mind.

What had happened with him?

Lily knew the answer full well but indeed, she got little sleep that night, even though the candle on Tanya's bedside table went out almost immediately after Lily went to sleep. She never knew that she could ever feel this confused and obsessed over something that she would normally spare no thought whatsoever.

OOO

Lucius Malfoy glanced over his shoulder as he whispered something incoherent to an unfortunate-looking boy with greasy black hair that James knew to be Severus Snape. James had his own reasons for being there, but watched in shock as the door to the Room of Requirement appeared in the wall on the seventh floor and Malfoy and Snape walked swiftly into the room.

It appeared he wasn't the only one discussing apparently important issues tonight.

OOO

Lily opened her eyes reluctantly.

Potions.

She felt disgusted that the first thought of her morning was her Potions project. She was supposed to have fun today, not think of stupid assignments. She imagined Slughorn's beaming face when she would hand in her project on Monday, and felt a sudden urge to just not do any of it. But even as she thought it, Lily knew she was going to do it. And every other little piece of work Slughorn puts her up to these days. Ever since the fifth year started, he's always been giving her little errands to run for him - bringing him pumpkin juice, passing on messages to the prefects, like she's his personal assistant or something. Lily found this very annoying but knew that there was no way she would ever stand up to him, or any teacher for that matter. School work was far too important to her. She was interrupted from her musings by Keenyah who looked like she'd been up for a while now.

"Morning."
"Hey you," Lily replied, happy to see a friendly face. She couldn't remember her dream but something told her it wasn't a very pleasant one. "How did Sirius look?"
"What?" Keenyah said, giggling sheepishly. She knew exactly what Lily was talking about. "No, not yesterday. Me and Remus had to do our stupid prefect duties and caught some first-years snogging on the staircase up to the dormitory," she sighed.

Lily did remember seeing a couple snogging on the staircase. She hadn't paid much attention to them though.

"You're kidding me!" she exclaimed wildly. "First years? They're eleven years old for Pete's sake!"
"Tell me about it. Can't they find something a little more... innocent to do with their time?"
"Look who's talking!" Lily grinned. Keenyah was notorious, mostly among the guys, for her stunning looks.

Lily supposed it hard for the guys not to gape at Keenyah with her shoulder-length natural blonde hair, pale skin and black eyes. On most people this combination would have looked terrifying, but Keenyah always looked perfect.

"Ahh, anyway. It's so annoying, just when I get a second to myself, or err... to Sirius, I should say," Keenyah grinned widely. "I have to go and patrol the corridors and do all these annoying prefect duties..." she vented but noticed the glum look on Lily's face.

Lily wanted to be a prefect. She wanted so badly to be a prefect, but it didn't happen. She happened to be at Keenyah's house when they got their Hogwarts letters in August and she almost expected a shiny badge in her envelope. She even shook the envelope and ripped it in half to make sure she hadn't missed it somehow when it didn't fall out into her palm like she expected it to when she opened the envelope. And then she saw it in Keenyah's hand and ever since then, couldn't help but hold a tiny grudge against her friend. She made it a point later to ask Dumbledore why he didn't make her a prefect but thought better of it - she didn't want to seem paranoid with a permanent grudge against those who do better than her (at times). Which she actually was.

And now, Keenyah had the nerve to complain about prefect duties in front of Lily, who'd give anything in the world to be one. Keenyah looked just about ready to shut up and shifted her gaze towards the ground. She didn't want to spark a fight between herself and her good friend, but it's not like things were going so well anyway...

Lily was now staring out the window occasionally picking at her nails as if bored. They sat in this icy silence for a couple of seconds when Keenyah finally found the courage to speak.

"Didn't have a good sleep, did you?"
"Huh?"Lily could see frustration on her friend's face but was now going to give in so easily. If anyone had a right to be frustrated, it was her, not Keenyah.

"Girl, what is up with you these days? You look like you're having nightmares every night-"
"What do you mean, 'I look', you were watching me?" Lily said glancing at the rest of her sleeping friends, and could only imagine what they must have been saying about her. And her nightmares.
"Don't interrupt me," Keenyah said sharply and continued. "And you... you never talk to us anymore either."
"What? I talk to you guys every day, I-" Lily said, confused, but was cut off by Tanya who appeared to not have been sleeping at all.
"Yeah, but you never really talk to us, you know? We know something's up."
"And frankly, it's getting rather annoying. You're always drifting off into your own little world," cut in Trisha who obviously wasn't sleeping either. Lily had a strange suspicion that Mary was involved in this 'intervention' too, but was obviously not playing her part. "It's like we don't exist to you."

She couldn't believe they were doing this. Not now. Not before they planned a whole fun day in Hogsmeade. Lily sat on her bed, stunned and silent not really knowing what to say.

"Look, let's just go to Hogsmeade, we'll talk in the evening-" she finally muttered.
"Yeah, you bet we will!" Keenyah said in an angry tone, but Lily knew that she and the rest of the girls just wanted the best for her. She sighed.
"Look, I'm sorry, it's just... I've just been a little confused lately, it's all me," she said feeling genuinely sorry. "It's got nothing to do with you guys, don't worry," she added noticing the doubtful look on their face.
"Just come to us if you need us for anything, okay?" Trisha said, now with a little more warmth in her voice.
"I know, I know... Sometimes I just need some time alone to... to figure some stuff out."

Lily didn't even know what it was she needed to figure out. The year's just started two and a half months ago, and so much was happening already, what with her break-up with Avery at the beginning of the year and Potter's ridiculous attempts at going out with her. He wasn't even really trying, but Lily knew that everything he ever said to her was leading up to asking her out, so she avoided him as much as humanly possible and only talked to him if it was a necessity.

And then there's Potter constantly sneaking off to talk to various people in different houses after hours, Remus Lupin still leaving every month to visit his mother, and all the teachers acting funny. Something was up. Lily just knew it, and needed to figure it out. Usually she would have confided all of this in her friends, but this time, it felt different. It felt wrong to get them all worried up alongside her, about something that was still in the phase of conspiracy, for she could only imagine what the students and teachers of Hogwarts were up to these days.

She continued to make small talk with her friends as they woke up, got ready and descended down to the Great Hall, and tried her best to hide that curiosity was eating her up on the inside. She wasn't sure if her charade was successful, but none of the girls mentioned anything until they came to Hogsmeade a couple of hours later.

OOO

"Mate, Grey isn't going to budge, no matter how much you tell him," sighed Sirius. "He can barely put two and two together, what difference is it going to make what we say, or what you say, or what anybody else says for that matter."
"But I need his help... the information isn't anywhere else and... It's my only chance-"
"Look James, I know you want to see your family but... James. Be realistic. There is no way you'll be able to pull this off. And what if your animal isn't even something they'd let in the house?" Sirius looked at James, his facial features unable to hide concern.
"You don't understand!" spat James.

Peter and Remus cringed but Sirius was now glaring at his best friend.

"What exactly don't I understand? Okay, I know you want to see them, and if I could I would even trade my own situation-"
"I'm not a charity case, Sirius, I don't need your sympathy!" James retorted heatedly, cutting off Sirius in mid-sentence. Calming down a little, he continued. "I just need you guys to help me. I'm sick of this."
"I know... we'll figure something out," Sirius said, also calming down.
"I'll help you!" squeaked Peter. James nodded appreciatively. "Hey! Have you thought of going to Dumbledore about this?"

James snorted sarcastically. No. He hadn't thought of it, and now that Peter mentioned it, he realized why - this was the most absurd idea ever. He was sure that more than half the students at Hogwarts come from families where there must be problems at home (considering that half of them come from Muggle families who had four years ago found out their child is a witch or a wizard; hardly your everyday piece of news), and Dumbledore probably couldn't want less to look at each case closely, let alone James' own. No. He'd deal with this on his own.

Thinking now of his family filled James with a mixture of fury, love and... Hatred. He hated the fact that they'd expected such unrealistic things of him. He knew himself well, and this made him realize full well he'd never live up to the family tradition. If what they'd wanted him to do had really been made clear during their last meeting in July, then James knew that he could never do it. He could never be like that. This meant he was no longer welcome in their home. This was the harsh truth, but during the past few months he had come to accept it. Not wanting to dwell on this any longer, he turned to his friends after gazing at the dormitory door (he was unsure exactly why) for a few minutes.

"Let's get down to the Great Hall," he told them. "And then Hogsmeade!" he added enthusiastically.
"Bet you want your fill of Evans for the day, huh?" Remus chuckled and the rest followed suit.
"I'm not sure..." James answered, looking earnest.

The boys stared at him in astonishment, not really sure whether they liked this new James. Since when had he not been 'sure' about wanting to see Lily Evans?

"Gotcha!" James sneered at them, half laughing.

Comprehension dawned on the boys' eyes and they started punching him playfully. He hadn't changed a bit; he was going to try Evans again today. This was going to be fun.