A/N So I finally wrote something. I know this isn't Lollypops and Letters, but I just couldn't write for that story left and I heard that song, 'Leader of the Pack' again and I just had to write a one shot about it. Life has been truly crazy. When I write for Lollypops and Letters again, I'll put it in the author's note how things have been these past couple of weeks. But good news, my birthday is on March 22, this Saturday. I'll be out of town though, so still no post. Anyways, this is my one shot. I think the ending is really bad, but at least I wrote something right? So R/R and enjoy!
Everyone was talking about it at school. It was the thing to gossip about at Harbor High School at the moment. Was Marissa Cooper really wearing Ryan Atwood's leather jacket? No one could believe it. She was the most popular girl in school and he was the ultimate outsider. How could this possibly have come to happen? And why was she still wearing it now after all that had happened? Summer Roberts and Taylor Townsend, two of Marissa's best friends were talking to each other at lunch one day when they saw Marissa come and sit down next to them, eyes red and puffy. Summer gave Marissa a concerned look and asked, "What's wrong?"
Taylor though, being a huge gossiper herself, asked, "Is it true?"
Summer kicked Taylor under the table and glared at her friend. Taylor gave a 'what the hell?' look. Marissa looked at her two friends and sadly asked, "Is what true?"
Summer, still glaring at Taylor said, "It's nothing."
Taylor though, still not getting the hints, asked, "Ryan Atwood and you. Is it true? Did you guys like really date?" She raised her eyebrows and stared at Marissa expectantly. "I mean, before…you know."
Marissa looked down at her hands and tears gathered in her already puffy and swollen eyes. "Yes." She pulled his jacket around her tighter and breathed in his smell. The smell that was starting to fade away after all this time. She looked up at her friends and said, "It's true."
Taylor let out a small squeal of excitement and said, "Tell us everything. How'd you guys start talking? Did you love him? Did he love you? Was it amazing? Did you guys ever like, do it? Were you together when it happened?" Summer rolled her eyes but was still curious to the whole matter so didn't say anything in fear of stopping Marissa from telling them this odd story of romance between her and what used to be Newport's ultimate outsider and bad boy.
Marissa looked at her friends' expectant eyes and sighed. "Well…"
She walked down the beach, her feet in the Pacific Ocean. The sun was just starting to set and the sky was an orange-pink kind of color. The water reflected the light, making the ocean seem to turn a variety of different oranges and reds. She smiled a little and the warm, salty California breeze blew softly, making her hair fly just a little. She tucked a strand of the hair behind her ear and turned her head a little and saw a figure far off in the distance. She took a few curious steps forward and saw a boy about her age sitting all by himself of the sand, staring off into space. She walked to him slowly, curiously, and concern became apparent on her face when she got closer to him.
He had his shirt off and she got a good look at all the well built muscles in his upper torso. She flushed a little bit at the sight for some reason she didn't know. She'd seen tons of guys with ripped bodies on the beach before, she didn't know why this one seemed different. He looked up when he saw her nearing and she got to look into his eyes. They were blue and mysterious. She found that she couldn't look away the moment that their eyes met and she felt some weird force drawing her to him. The air between them was charged and he must have sensed it too because he looked away quickly. "Hi," She said softly, sitting down next to him.
He merely looked out at the water, ignoring her for a few minutes. She watched him, waiting for him to say something, anything in reply, but he didn't. Not at first. She let out a sigh and looked out at the water as well. Usually the water and the sunset calmed her down, but not today. Was it only her, or was he just as aware the exact amount of space between them? Was his heart beat racing just as much as hers? She got lost in thought and when she did, he finally said, "You're Marissa."
She was surprised to hear him speak after so long in silence. She looked over at him and saw him watching her curiously, just like you would do to some extraordinary creature in Science class or at the zoo. The look in his eyes held fascination but also a hint of sadness and longing, for what reason, she didn't know. She nodded and again got lost in his wonderful blue eyes. "Yeah, I'm Marissa. How'd you know that?"
He shrugged and gave her a small, lopsided smile. "Who doesn't know your name?" He asked, his eyes sparkling because of the reflection of the sunset around them. "You're the most popular girl at school and everyone in Newport, young or old, knows your name."
She let out a long sigh as she thought of her standing in Newport. While most would kill to be in her position, she just wanted an escape from the monotony of it all. Day after day it was the same thing and she was getting sick and tired of it. She looked this guy next to her and suddenly she knew who he was. This was Ryan Atwood, the ultimate outsider. He'd lived in Chino for the first part of his life and then the Cohen family took him in. He hang out with guys like Kevin Volchok and Oliver Trask, guys she wouldn't be caught dead talking to. But Ryan looked different from those two. There was something different with the way he carried himself and the look in his eyes showed that he had a sad story to tell if anyone would listen. Oh how much she wanted to be the person to listen. "And you're Ryan," she said.
He nodded and looked away, suddenly looking very disappointed for some reason. "Yeah, I'm Ryan and you're Marissa. Tomorrow we'll go to school and act like this never happened…like we never talked." He ran a hand through his shaggy sandy blonde hair and she watched him intently. "Because that's the way that Newport is. I should probably go…" He started to stand up.
But she couldn't let him go. He was different from anything she'd ever known. She wanted to know more about him, to be able to look into his eyes some more. She wanted to know why he looked so sad. She reached out and grabbed his arm, and a surge of energy ran through her arm, through her body. She gulped and he looked down at his arm where she was holding onto him firmly. He was so warm and muscled. She imagined what it would be like for him to hold her. He looked at her, into her eyes and gave her a questioning look. He looked slightly scared. She wondered if he had felt it too. "Will I see you again?" She asked softly.
He nodded and said, "We go to the same school, remember?"
She shook her head and said, "Not like that. I mean…me and you…like we are now. Will I see you again like this or is tomorrow going to be just another day?" She looked at him, pleading with her eyes that she wanted more than her own life had to offer.
He looked at her strangely, not understanding why she wanted to see him again so badly. She had never really noticed him before now, what made this chance meeting any different? He sighed and said, "Look, I'm not the one that created this whole social standing thing. I could care less whether I'm popular or named the class bad ass. If we meet again, it's up to you, not me." He turned and started to walk away again. He took a few steps, then turned around quickly and said, "But for the record…if you happen to stop caring about being Miss Popular, I'll be waiting." He winked, then walked away.
It was no surprise to both of them when she walked down the beach and he was there, almost like he was waiting for her. Ever since then, they were just meant to be.
Taylor furrowed her eyebrows confusedly and asked, "So you guys just sort of both knew to be on the beach at the same time on that second day?"
Marissa nodded and softly said, "We both just had this feeling that we needed to be there. It's kind of how our relationship was. We didn't need to say anything, ever, just looked at each other, or even just being in the same room and we could tell what the other was thinking."
"That's so romantic," Taylor said dreamily, wishing that she could have what Ryan and Marissa had had. She looked over at Marissa and said, "But wait, you guys weren't public or anything. How'd you manage that?"
Marissa shrugged and said, "We were just never together at school. It was more exciting that way.." She gave a small smirk.
"Ew, too much information," Summer said with a roll of her eyes, not letting on how interested she was in this love story between her best friend and Newport's bad boy. It was the least expected thing to ever happen. When you lived in Newport, things weren't supposed to be messed with. Popular girls hung out with popular guys and everyone else had to deal with themselves. There was no mixing of the different cliques, at least there wasn't supposed to be. She was obviously wrong.
Ryan and Marissa had been meeting on the beach for the last two weeks. Everyday they revealed a little more about themselves than they had the day before. Marissa talked about how much she hated the monotony of living in Newport, of being the popular girl. She talked about how her mom always criticized her and how she was never pretty enough. She told of how her dad had just gotten up and left one day, never to be seen or heard of again. She relayed her life's biggest moments to him, and in return, he just sat there and let her talk her heart out, occasionally throwing in a word here or there. When she was at a particularly hard moment in her short life, he'd put an arm around her and she'd immediately feel better. He had a way of making her feel safe and protected, something she'd never really felt before, and if she had, she couldn't remember. Being with Ryan was the highlight of her day.
Ryan also talked about his life. He'd had a much harder life than she had, that much was clear when he started talking. His dad had died when Ryan was just nine years old and as a result, his mom fell into an overwhelming depression. Ryan had an older brother named, Trey. Trey was a couple of years older than Ryan and one day when Ryan was fourteen and Trey was sixteen, Trey thought it would be fun to swallow some pills and see what would happen. He ended up overdosing and dying, leaving Ryan all alone to deal with his mom and whatever she threw his way. She brought home many abusive boyfriends and one day, Ryan just couldn't take it anymore. He had to get out of Chino, to start over.
He decided to steal a car, which he now knew wasn't such a great idea. He ended up crashing it and at the age of sixteen, he was locked up. His lawyer, Sandy Cohen, made it clear that he was there to help. Sandy got Ryan off on parole and let Ryan stay with his family. Sandy's wife, Kirsten, and Sandy's son, Seth, immediately became great friends with Ryan. After a month, they decided they wanted to make Ryan an official part of the family. He was adopted and that was how he'd come to live in Newport.
They would talk as the sun set and then make plans to meet again the next day at the same time and the same place. Other than the occasional hand holding or Ryan putting his arm around her, or Marissa resting her head on his shoulder, there wasn't any physical contact. That was okay for now though because at the moment they just wanted to relish these moments together and talk without over complicating things too fast.
All that was about to change though. Neither of them really knew that it was about to, but it was. Today they decided to go walk on the pier together and get a balboa bar. As they walked, their hands were clasped together, fingers knotted, looking like the perfect couple to all those who came across them. It was quite obvious the way her eyes twinkled whenever she looked at them and the warmth that came from his as he gazed upon her smiling face. And as they walked along the pier, balboa bar in hand, neither could think of anything they'd rather be doing at that particular moment in time but spending time in the other's presence. So for an hour, all they did was laugh and walk.
It was after their ice creams were long gone and the sun was about to set when things started to change. As the pier became less crowded with the people that were just there and a new crowd of people came in, they both started to think about how nice this was; just being together. They began to think of how they'd never really felt this way around anyone else before. And slowly, they began to quiet down and stop laughing, their thoughts actions becoming completely serious. They stopped and leaned on the railing, looking out at the ocean and the gorgeous sunset before the both of them. Ryan tilted his head so that he could see her out of the corner of his eye and he smiled slightly to herself. The sun reflected in her long, blonde-brown hair, and her eyes reflected the sunset. He couldn't remember ever laying eyes on someone as beautiful as her. He swallowed and she turned and looked at him, a smile playing on her face. "What?" She asked, looking into his eyes.
He shook his head and let out a small, nervous laugh. "It's nothing," he said, looking out at the water for a couple of minutes, then back at her.
She shook her head and said, "It is something. Why were you staring at me, Ryan Atwood?" She asked, giggling a little.
He shrugged and said, "You're pretty cute to stare at." She blushed a little and he grinned, noting how adorable she looked when she did that. He looked down at the railing, trying to get the words ready for him to say before he spoke. He stayed staring at it as he asked, "What are we doing exactly?" He looked up and motioned between the gap between them. "What is this?"
She looked down at his hand and then up at him and the smile slowly disappeared from her face. Fixed in its place was an expression of seriousness and fear for what this was going to lead to. What if he did not want to be with her? "Um, I don't know…what do you think this is?" He didn't answer and after a while she opened her mouth once more and asked, "Okay, different question. What do you want this to be?"
He shrugged and looked away from her, out at the water. "I don't know…" He let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. "I really enjoy talking to you…and you're fun to be around. You're one of the only people that I can consider an honest friend since I came to Newport…" He tilted his head a little and looked at her out of the corner of his eye. He saw that she was staring at him intently, soaking in every word that came out of his mouth. He turned his body to the side and put his hand on the side of her face and looked into her eyes intently. He softly caressed the soft, smooth skin of her cheek and leaned in a little. Her eyes looked down at his lips, and then back up into his eyes slowly, waiting for the next move. When their lips were merely inches apart he softly said, "And I know that ever since I saw you that one day walking towards me, I wanted to do this…" He closed the gap between them, pressing his lips against hers in a soft, tender kiss. She quickly responded and put her hand on his chest, rubbing it and taking a step closer to him. She grabbed a hold of his shirt and pulled him towards her and that's when he pulled back.
He looked at her, at the way her eyes were still partially closed, at the expression of pleasure and joy written on her beautiful face. She opened her eyes all the way and looked at him, desire written perfectly clear in her eyes. "What…what was that?" Confusion now made its way to her face and she took a step back from him. He shrugged and gave her a small smile. "No, no shrugs…tell me what that was," She said firmly. She motioned between the two of them. "Tell me what this is."
He looked at her, his lips lifted at the corners. After their kiss, he felt very confident about their relationship. She obviously liked him if she didn't push away when he kissed her, so suddenly, everything was crystal clear. "Marissa, do you like me?"
She blushed a little and avoided his eyes. She played with her hands a little and softly said, "Yeah…"
"And did you enjoy that kiss we just had?" He asked softly, looking at her with a warm smile. He put his arms around her and she looked him in the eyes, fear written clearly in her amazingly gorgeous eyes. She blushed a deeper shade of crimson now and he felt his smile widen. She nodded slowly and he put a hand on the side of her face. "Then if you like me and we just shared a really great first kiss…" He trailed off, and she smiled a little. "…do you really think that you have to ask me what this is? Or is it perfectly obvious?"
They looked into each other's eyes. She didn't need to answer, so she didn't. They both knew that this was the beginning of their relationship together. She put her arms around his neck and they both leaned in and their lips lightly touched in a kiss that sent shivers through both of their bodies. This was the start of something new, something real. They could both feel it deep within their hearts.
Marissa finished the story of when her and Ryan got together and she got a familiar ache in her heart that she always got whenever she thought of that day. If only they hadn't gotten together. If only she hadn't allowed him to kiss her that day…maybe things would be different. Maybe he'd still be here. Maybe a lot of things would've been different, would've been better.
But she knew that she was just kidding herself. She was powerless to her feelings when it came to Ryan Atwood, the love of her life. And even if she could go back and change things, she knew that deep in her heart, she didn't want to. Because even though her heart was hurting now, there was a time when it felt so light and she was truly happy for the first time in her life in a long time. Ryan had given her so much joy and taught her how to love. She wouldn't give that away for anything.
After a couple of months of their relationship, Marissa still couldn't get over the feeling she got whenever she was around Ryan. Whenever they were near, all her senses were heightened and her heart beat rapidly in her chest. All she ever thought about was Ryan. If she wasn't with him, she thought of how she wanted to be with him. And when she was with him, she hoped and prayed that their time together would last forever. She didn't want to ever leave him, nor did he want to leave her. They still kept their relationship a secret, but only because they didn't want to deal with all the people talking about them. She quite frequently said that she didn't mind being the girl that dated the 'bad boy,' as long as she was with him, but he always told her that he didn't want to have to deal with all the looks and the way everyone would stare at them like they were some big freak show.
So life with them was pretty good. They didn't really date as much as make out and just talk in the pool house. In fact, they'd never really gone out on a real date together…even a movie or dinner or something as simple as that. And their physical relationship was strictly kissing, nothing extra, even though both felt the desire whenever they were near each other or alone. The reason they never made any further advances was because they had agreed that whenever they did give themselves up completely to each other, they wanted it to be special. And so far, no moment had seemed special enough…not that they hadn't come close. There were a few instances that they went pretty far, but never went that far.
Today they were in the pool house laying on Ryan's bed, just sort of cuddling, not that Ryan would ever admit to it. He had his arms around her, and she had her head rested on his chest, listening to his heart beat and smiling to herself. She ran a hand on his stomach, tracing circles on it and he ran one of his hands up and down her arm. They were completely peaceful and content. She looked over at him and smiled at him. He returned the smile and she leaned in and gave him a small kiss, letting her lips linger and extra moment. "This is nice," She said.
He nodded and said, "Yeah, it's really nice." He kissed her forehead and she felt like the most loved person in the whole world. They were quiet for a while, merely enjoying the comfortable silence. Ryan broke it by saying, "We should have a date." She turned her face so she could look into his eyes and seeing that she was intrigued by this statement, he continued. "I think that we really should. We don't have to go out if you don't want to….we could just make dinner here in the pool house." She still didn't say anything, sensing that there was more to this. "I think that it would be good for us. I want this to feel real - not that it doesn't - but this would make it final. We've never really had a date, and I want to give that to you. You deserve to have a date." He looked at her expectantly, signaling that she could now give her input.
She smiled widely, amazed that he was so thoughtful when it came to her. "That sounds great…" She said.
"Really?" He asked, obviously pleased with himself.
She nodded and leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. He flipped them over so that he was on top and continued to kiss her, increasing the passion between them. He slipped his tongue into her mouth and she softly moaned and accepted it, massaging it with her own. He tenderly caressed her face and she felt her heart beat quicken to impossible speeds as they kissed. He pulled back a little and looked into her eyes, his breathing hard and labored. He kissed the tip of her nose ever so softly, like a butterfly wing fluttering over it, and she opened her mouth and softly uttered, "I love you." Once the words came out of her mouth, she wished that she could take him back. Judging by his reaction, he felt the same way. He pulled back, climbing off of her and just sort of stared at her, wide eyed with his mouth slightly open. "I didn't mean…I…well…I…" She stammered, not able to form a coherent sentence. She took a deep breath and looked at his eyes, at the emotions playing in them. "I didn't mean to say that," She started softly, "But I did mean what I said. I do love you…" She looked at him expectantly. He loved her too right? He had to…
He didn't say anything though. He stood up and paced a little, avoiding her eyes. Finally, he looked at her and said, "Marissa…" He trailed off.
She couldn't believe it. He didn't love her after all. She stood up, feeling really stupid. She was so glad that she hadn't slept with him now, that she hadn't given her body, even if she gave her heart. She shook her head and said, "It shouldn't be this hard for you to say it Ryan. Either you do or you don't, so don't go and 'Marissa' me." She started to head for the door.
"Marissa…don't go.." he pleaded, yet didn't take a step closer to her. She felt her heart start to break into a million little pieces. How could she be so stupid? "Marissa…" He said pathetically once again.
"What Ryan?" She asked tiredly, looking over at him.
"I…" he started, and she wondered if he'd say the words after all. "I…how…how do you know if you love someone?" He asked, looking at her for the answers.
She shrugged, her heart hurting. "I don't know, you just do…and obviously you don't…so I'll just leave." She turned and walked away, tears sliding down her face.
"Oh my God…he didn't say it back!" Taylor asked, her mouth open in shock. She figured that Ryan and Marissa were the best couple, and this was a definite turn in the plot.
Marissa nodded, a weak smile on her face. She thought back and then said, "Just wait for the rest of the story. Believe me, it won't disappoint."
Marissa had debated whether or not she should go by the pool house for their date that night. Were they really over, or was this just a bump in the road? Did he really not love her, or was he just too afraid to tell her? She couldn't really tell. And after a long time thinking things through, she decided that she should go to the pool house and have the date. Maybe it was just too soon for him to love her. It was impossible to know without giving their relationship a try. So she arrived at the pool house around eight that night. Ryan was really surprised to see her, but there was no mistaking the sparkle in his eyes when he saw her. "You really came…" He said softly, looking at her like she was some mystical being.
"Of course I came. This is our first date, remember?" She said, a small hint of a smile on her face. And even though she willed it not to, her heart beat increased and shivers went through her body when he put his hand on the small of her back and led her to the kitchen.
"I know, it's just…after what you said, and what I couldn't say…" He trailed off, a frown on his face. He looked very troubled. "I just thought that you might not want to have a first date with me anymore…"
She shook her head and said, "Whatever, you don't love me. It's not the end of the world." She shrugged it off, even though her heart was still deeply aching at the moment. She wouldn't let it show though, not tonight, not ever.
He nodded and said, "Okay, good." The smile he had before returned to his face and she smiled back at him. He led her to the kitchen and said, "So…since I can't cook and it really isn't romantic and right to order pizza on the first date, I decided that I should make some grilled cheese…"
She giggled a little and said, "Right, because grilled cheese is SO much more romantic that pizza."
He pretended to be hurt and said, "Yes, it is. Because when I make grilled cheese, it comes from the heart, not the pizza shop."
"Right," she said, the whole heart comment not lost on her. She tried her best not to roll her eyes at the whole thing, considering he didn't love her and all. Why should anything be done from his heart if he couldn't even give it to her? "What can I do to help?"
A little while later
Ryan watched Marissa move around the kitchen gracefully as she gathered ingredients to make the macaroni and cheese to go along with the grilled cheeses that he just finished making. She hummed a little to herself and he had never heard a sweeter sound. He couldn't believe that he'd almost lost her earlier today because he hadn't been able to say three little words. I love you…how hard was that to say? Really? It was three syllables, eight letters, three words…it was easy to say. So why couldn't he say it? He pondered this as he watched her start to make the Mac and Cheese. She'd obviously made it before, and it made him smile a little to watch her. Something about this moment made him really think about love. What was love really? Was it wanting to spend time with someone? Was it constantly thinking about them, thoughts of them and times you shared with them always coming to you at the weirdest times of day? Was it the feeling that makes you all choked up inside to where you could barely speak because there was a large lump in your throat whenever you were in the same room as them? Was it cherishing every single moment with them, hoping to God that it wouldn't be your last with them? Was it hoping and praying that you wouldn't do anything to screw this up with them, this pure thing that you never wanted to end? Was that what love was?
And why was he so afraid to say those words anyways? Did he really love her? He looked at her, at the way she perfectly fit into his kitchen just like she perfectly fit into his life and suddenly it hit him. He did love her. He loved her more than he thought you could ever love a person, and that alone terrified him. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and suddenly he knew what he had to do. He walked over to Marissa and she turned her head and offered him a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. He wondered to himself how bad he hurt her and he wanted with everything in him to take that pain away. "Marissa…" He said softly, and she turned her body to him completely and stared at him confusedly. He put his hands on both sides of her, resting them on the counter. He looked into her eyes and said, "Earlier, you told me something…how you feel…and I didn't say what I was supposed to. I'm sorry, I was scared, and you deserve someone to love you back…"
"What are you saying?" She asked, a terrified expression on her face.
He put a hand up to her face and lovingly caressed her cheek. "I mean…" He looked into her eyes, his own shining with joy and love. "I mean…I love you." He watched the emotions play out on her face; shock, love, happiness. He smiled and leaned his forehead against hers and said, "And I want you to know…I've never said that before. It's why I couldn't tell you earlier. I've never felt this way and it's all new to me and--"
But he was cut off by her lips crashing against his and her hands running through his hair. He kissed her back passionately, and when he was about to slide his tongue into her mouth, she pulled back and he stared at her quizzically. "You, Mr. Atwood, are about to get really, really lucky.." She said, a grin on her face.
"Oh really, how so?" He asked amusedly, not really getting what she was implying.
"I mean…" She said, taking his hand and leading him to the bed. She sat down on it and pulled him onto the bed with her, on top of her. She looked into his eyes and said, "I mean…I'm ready." She looked deep into his eyes, letting him know what this really meant.
He furrowed his eyebrows together and asked, "You mean…me and you…" When she nodded, he leaned in and kissed her softly before asking, "Are you sure?"
She nodded and softly said, "Yes. I want this to be a night that we both remember."
Summer smiled at her friend and said, "Thank you for not giving us a play by play of what happened that night. I love hearing details…but not that much."
Marissa rolled her eyes and laughed slightly at her best friend. "You're welcome." She thought back to that amazing night when her and Ryan first made love and sighed dreamily.
"Earth to Coop…it's okay to think back and relive that night and everything…but we're kind of in the middle of a story here!" Summer said.
Taylor nodded enthusiastically and said, "Yeah, tell us more!"
Marissa shrugged and said, "Okay, if you guys really want to know…"
A couple of days later at school, Marissa was walking down the hallway when she felt a pair of hands pulling her into the supply closet. She shrieked a little and was leaned against the wall. She heard someone say, "It's okay…it's me."
She smiled said, "Ryan, what are you doing, pulling me into supply closets?"
He shrugged and turned on a light switch so she could see him. He was smiling as he said, "I don't know…I just really wanted to do this…" He leaned in and kissed her sweetly.
"You know, if we go public with our relationship, you can do this in the hallway and not pull me into random supply closets," She said when he pulled back.
"Where's the fun in that?" He asked and she laughed a little. "Besides…this is way more exciting, don't you think?"
She rolled her eyes and giggled. "I guess…" She leaned in and kissed him again, this time more passionate and longer. She wanted a repeat of the other night, and she was really thinking of doing it here and now with him, but then he pulled away and she pouted a little.
"So…what are you doing tonight?" He asked, leaning his forehead against her and raising his eyebrows.
"You," She replied, kissing him once again, sliding her hands dangerously low on his body.
He grinned and mumbled against her lips, "I believe that can be arranged."
"Good," She said, pulling back a little. "Speaking of which…I'm feeling a little lonely right now. And I really don't want to go to History class…" She gave him a suggestive smile and asked, "Do you have any ideas of how you could entertain me?"
"I have some ideas," He said, placing his lips on her neck and sucking a little. He put his hands under her shirt and pulled it over her head. "Believe me…you won't be needing this…"
"You guys sound like the perfect couple," Taylor said, not understanding how things had ended so badly for them. "What happened?"
Marissa sighed and looked away from the two girls. "Well…"
Marissa came home after having a rather eventful night with Ryan. She couldn't wipe the smile off her face and she was sure that she was glowing, but she didn't care. Nothing could bring her down right now. Or at least she thought…
"You're arriving home rather late. What have you been doing?" Julie Cooper asked her daughter when she entered her room. Marissa couldn't believe that her mom was sitting on her bed, waiting for her. What happened to the 'Do Not Enter Room' rule? Julie stood up and put her hands on her hips. "I guess the better question here is, who have you been 'doing?'"
Marissa grimaced. Her mom hadn't just asked her that right? "Look…I was over at Ryan's house," She said truthfully.
Her mom raised her eyebrows and said, "The boy the Cohens adopted?" Marissa nodded and Julie rolled her eyes. "He's from the wrong place. Chino is so disgusting…he's not good enough or you, honey."
"Yeah, he is. I love him and he loves me," Marissa stated firmly.
"Really? Did he tell you that before or after he slept with you?" Julie asked, her eyebrows raised.
"It's none of your business," Marissa replied stubbornly, crossing her arms over her chest. She wished she could go back to the good mood she was just having. She wished she could go back be with Ryan.
"I'm your mother so that automatically makes it my business," her mom said. "And if you don't like that, there's nothing you can do about that." She looked at her daughter and said, "I don't want you seeing him anymore."
"Mom!" Marissa yelled.
"No, Marissa! I'm the parent here and I will not let my daughter date some criminal!" Julie yelled at her daughter. "You are to end it tomorrow. I don't care what you say. If you don't end it, I sure as hell will!"
Marissa looked at her mom and bitterly said, "You can't make me do this." Her voice cracked as she said, "I won't do this."
Julie looked at her daughter and gave her an ultimatum. "Either you break up with Ryan….or you'll be cut off from all your money. And you won't have a place to stay. And don't even think that you'll be able to live with someone else. I'm your mother, and I forbid you to live with anyone else. You like your car? You won't have one. You like your Ipod? You won't be able to listen to it. I will take everything away from you. You'll be grounded if you stay with this boy. So either way, you don't get to see him." She glared at her daughter and said, "So do us both a favor, just end it with Ryan."
Taylor and Summer looked at Marissa with wide eyes. "Your mom is such a bitch like mine!" Taylor shrieked. "I can't believe that she told you that!"
Summer sighed and said, "So, what was it like being grounded?"
Marissa squirmed a little and said, "I wasn't grounded."
Taylor looked at Marissa and asked, "So your mom gave up?"
Marissa shook her head and looked away from everyone shamefully. "No…" She trailed off and then after a few minutes of silence, she looked up at them, tears in her eyes. "I ended it with Ryan."
She called Ryan to meet her at the diner the next day. She figured that it would be as good a place as any to do what she had to. Ryan arrived right on time and she felt like she could just die at the sight of him. He looked so happy and full of love for her that it overwhelmed her and made her feel so horrible and rotten for what she had to do. He went and sat in the booth next to her and asked, "So…you wanted to see me?" He gave her his famous half smile that melted her heart and she started to cry. He immediately frowned and asked, "Hey…what's wrong?" He put an arm around her and she felt worse.
"Ryan…" She said weakly, her voice cracking at just that one word. How could she possibly follow through with this?
"What is it?" He asked softly, turning her face so she had to look into his eyes. "Tell me, I can help you…"
"No, you can't," She said, and cried even harder. He didn't say anything and after a long time and a lot of crying, she finally calmed herself down enough to tell him what she needed to. "Ryan…I love you. I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. But…"
Suddenly his face changed and he pulled away. "But what?" She didn't say anything and he looked around. She felt his body tense beside her and he refused to look at her. "Are you breaking up with me?" He swallowed hard and she felt like she could just crawl into a hole and die. When she didn't say anything, didn't deny it, he stood up and said, "I can't believe it…you're actually breaking up with me."
"Ryan, wait…" She pleaded, not wanting to end things like this, with him hating her. She wanted to explain what her mom had said and then maybe get him to wait for her, until her mom couldn't control her anymore, until they found a way out of this and they could be together.
It started to rain outside at that moment. She heard thunder in the distance and she wanted to laugh at how ironic it was that it started to rain at this moment. Ryan turned and looked at her and said, "No, Marissa, I won't wait." He turned and walked away, this time for good. He got into his car and started it, a determined, angry look on his face. Suddenly she became worried about what he'd do.
"Ryan, be careful," She warned.
He never heard her.
Summer and Taylor looked at Marissa, at this person that had, had so much with this guy and then lost it all in one night. They both gave her a hug and she tried to stop the tears from falling down her face. They heard the bell ring and Summer looked at Marissa and said, "I'm sorry Coop…but I really have to get to class…" She stood up and said, "But call me later okay?"
Marissa merely nodded and Taylor and Summer walked away. She knew she couldn't go to class while she was like this, so she went to her car and drove away from the school, tears streaming down her face. She drove to the only place that could make her feel a little better in times like this, when she missed him so much that she thought she could die from the heart ache. She arrived at the cemetery, and slowly walked to the part that she needed to be at. She saw the stone and slowly, everything in her started to crumble. She couldn't deal with this anymore, the not being with him. "Ryan…I need you…" She uttered so softly, looking at the stone, at what he'd become.
All because of her and their stupid break up.
The next day at school, she looked for Ryan so that she could tell him the real reason why she had to break up with him since he didn't give her the chance to do so the night before. But no matter how many times she looked through the halls, she couldn't find him. Even by his locker, there was no sign of him and she was beginning to worry. Was he trying to avoid her by not coming to school or something? It made sense, but it wasn't something that Ryan would do. No, instead he'd come and just brood like he used to do and refuse to talk to her no matter how much she asked. And then she'd finally break him down and talk to him and he'd understand why she was doing what she was and he'd agree to wait for her and help her come up with a plan for how to deal with her mom and the situation that she made them be a part of.
But instead, she didn't see him anywhere. She was on her fifth time around the school searching for him when she felt someone tap on her shoulder. She turned and saw her old friend, Holly, looking at her with wide eyes. "Oh my God! Did you hear what happened last night?"
Marissa gave her friend a confused look and said, "No…what?" She sighed inwardly, not really wanting to hear the Newport gossip.
"Ryan Atwood got killed," She said, her eyes wide in disbelief. "You know, the guy that stole that car? Well, apparently he was driving really fast and lost control of the car and ran into something. Because it was so fast, he was killed instantly." Holly raised her eyebrows and said, "Pretty shocking huh?"
Marissa though couldn't believe what she was hearing. Holly was lying, she had to be. This couldn't happen to Ryan, her Ryan. But it was, she could tell by the way everyone was talking and their grim faces. She slowly sunk to the ground and the tears started to fall down her face. Holly stared at her like she was crazy, but she didn't care. The ache in her heart had tripled and there was nothing she could do about it. Ryan was gone. Forever. Never to come back again. He was dead, all because of her and their stupid break up. She started to sob, and then it was a gut wrenching cry. Everyone stared at her, but she didn't care. She'd lost Ryan.
Marissa sat down and said, "I took your leather jacket. Sandy and Kirsten agreed that it would be best if I could have it." She wiped away a few tears that had made their way down her face. She still couldn't believe that they were here, that he was here. He was supposed to be with her, holding her in his arms, making love to her like he'd done so lovingly before. But instead, this was all she had left of him. She pulled the jacket closer and tried to smell him, but it was getting harder and harder since she'd worn the jacket so much. "But it's losing it's smell…" She cried, sobs wracking her body.
"I was so stupid that night. I love you, Ryan. I shouldn't have broken up with you…..look where it got you," She said softly. She wiped her eyes and lay back on the grass on his grave. He'd died two months ago and she still missed him like that day she found out. Some days it was so much harder than others, but she always got through them. She'd learned that it was easier to wake up and deal with the day than to stay in bed and think about everything. So that's what she did. She woke up, got out of bed, put a smile on her face, sometimes cried a little, but life went on. And as she saw it, everyday was a day closer to when she'd be reunited with the boy she loved again.