What had that movie said? The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love and be loved in return. That might be, but the worst was not unreciprocated love. Sure, that sucked. In fact, it more than sucked, it was devastating.
But to almost have love and mess it up in a bout of poorly judged selfishness? And, not only that, but to lose the support of the only group of people I could ever begin to call friends? That was the worst thing.
Granted, they talked about me behind their back, and none of them really thought of me as a friend, but this would just ensure that they never did. Not only would they know me as obnoxious, bitchy, selfish, and maybe a little bit neurotic, but I'd also be petty. And shallow.
The worst was probably Finn. He had stuck by me when no one else did, even if in doing so he'd broken my heart more than a dozen times. And used me more than once to better himself. But, he still gave me the benefit of the doubt. And, unlike Jesse, he had mentioned more than just his manly pride. He didn't say it was humiliating, even though I know now it must have been, but he was really hurt. It was like seeing that same look on his face when he found out Quinn's baby was Puck's. And this time, it was my fault he looked like that.
My pathological need to be popular ruined my life when nothing else about me ever had.
After everyone walked out, I had just sat down and watched Mr. Shuester. I knew he was disappointed in me, but after all the rumors about him I don't think he cared enough to judge. I thanked the band so they could leave, and I guess I told Shue I wasn't going to leave yet, but I'd turn out the lights. He gave me this knowing look and left. Maybe that was the worst.
No, it was Finn walking out first. And Jesse leaving last. Or it was all of it. Although, I think Puck would forgive me if I put out for him. Especially if I wore my Star of David necklace.
God, I'm rambling in my head. Am I really this desperate and pitiful? Is it bad I didn't even finish that thought without thinking a wholehearted "yes"?
Tomorrow is going to be awful. I'll have to bring out my raincoat again for the slushies, although this time I deserve them. I hope Finn does it. At least then it means he won't be giving me the cold shoulder.
Jesse will probably transfer back now, or as soon as his parents return. That will make Ballet Club cold and professional again.
God, Glee Club. What should I do? They'd all be really happy if I didn't show up, but I don't think I could stand not knowing what was being said or what is going on.
I will go, but I won't say anything. This time, I really won't. When it's about to burst out of me, I'll just remember Finn's face from today and I won't want to anymore. And I'll only sing if Shue says I can. I won't protest if he gives Tina, Mercedes, or even Quinn a solo. (Although I hope he doesn't give Quinn a solo, her hormones have probably made her voice unstable. God, I can't even imagine.)
I guess I'm going to get a grape slushie and head home. I'll do my work-out and hopefully fall asleep without being plagued with nightmares.
Who would have thought Rachel Barry could hit an all-time low?
Being completely alone again after finally starting to have people to talk to is the worst feeling ever.