Naruto: A Narutimate Sendoff!
Summary: This is a story about a writer trying to write a story…about NARUTO!
Disclaimer: Naruto and all related characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Other appearances belong to respective owners. I belong to Capcom after a hostile buyout of Konami.
Author's notes: This fic, originally something I wrote for some friends leaving for camp, is self-parodying and is a series of jokes mocking character conventions pre-timeskip, so no reference is made nor materials taken from part two of the manga. Characters are most certainly picked on with extreme prejudice, so if you think being emo is what makes Sasuke great, you WERE warned. XD
-The writer's studio…-
The author sat in a large armchair at the head of a long and wide table. Gathered there were the many important characters of Naruto…aaaaand some not-so-important ones.
"I suppose you all know why you're here today?" the author asked.
"To master ninjutsu?" Orochimaru hissed.
"No."
"To avenge the Uchiha clan?"
"No…"
"To become Hokage?"
"To seek ULTIMATE POWER?"
"NO! SHUT UP!"
With that outburst, the room was silenced. The boss cleared his throat and spoke.
"Right. A couple of my friends have to leave for awhile, so I wanted to write something nice for them. I decided on Naruto, so that's why I've called you all here. Because I…'respect'…your opinions."
He had to pull that 'respect' from his gut and get it out. No way could he write a Naruto fic without Naruto characters…not that they'd forgive him for THAT answer…
"So, the bottom line is I'm looking for something short, simple and entertaining. So, any suggestions?"
The room full of Shinobi was silent for awhile. Then, Sakura raised her hand to say the first (and probably only) sensible thing.
"What sort of story would your friends like?"
"Oh, well, they'd probably tell me that I don't have to go to all this trouble or that I can pick whatever I want. But it should be easy to read…maybe funny, too."
Instinctively, Naruto shot his hand up.
"Ooo! Ooo! Write a story about me as the Hokage! Or, or, or, write a story about my journey to BECOME the Hokage! Or, or, or-"
"Sorry, Naruto. I don't have time to come up with all sorts of future scenarios for you! Too much work, too long a story!"
Naruto moped. Then he brightened up.
"Then how about you do something about me and-"
"Sorry! You're just too much work. Next? Yes, you, emo-kid."
Sasuke sighed as if he were forced to demonstrate his prowess. In actuality, he had voluntarily raised his hand to offer advice.
"Yes. How about me privately reflecting on-"
"OK, I don't like you, you're no fun, all you think about is vengeance."
"Hey, that's not true."
"Oh yeah? What else DO you think about?"
"Well…there's….HOW I'm going to get my revenge…and….WHO deserves my vengeance…and WHY they deserve it…And uh…how others can help me get revenge…"
The master author sighed and asked who was next while Sasuke recounted what food he'd eat to help him get vengeance, how his hair would be styled when he got his vengeance, how he'd celebrate getting his vengeance, what he'd do with his brother's head…
Sakura raised her hand again and the writer actually dared to hope that the characters finally had something useful to say.
"Well, you could make some sort of love story involving me and Sasuke-kun!"
"No, I am NOT handling romance. You've any idea how MESSY that stuff can get? Besides, wrong message!"
"But if your friend is a guy-"
"Even WRONGER message!"
"But there doesn't have to be a-"
"Shut it!"
"And you know, 'wronger' isn't even a-"
"Silence! Now, who's next?"
Jiraiya, the perverted member of the legendary three shinobi, raised his hand with a broad grin. His entire 'Icha Icha' adult novel series was stacked in front of him and Kakashi was eyeing the series greedily.
"Oh dear Lord…yes, Jiraiya?"
"Weeeeeell," the hermit began, "I don't mean to BRAG, but seeing as I AM the author of a best-seller, I suggest you-"
"No! That would be THE most inappropriate idea ever!"
"Hey, c'mon, you haven't even heard my idea, man!"
"OK, fine, what is it?"
Jiraiya paused and looked around nervously.
"…Alright, fine. Ever considered adding some…spice to it?"
The unfortunate being in the armchair sighed.
"Just…just sit down and shut up…just do it, please, I-"
"Oh, actually, I second his idea," Kakashi admitted with a raised hand.
"What? No! No, no, no, NO adult novel stories!"
"But-"
"No!"
The topic closed, the characters were shushed into silence. Various characters pondered what on earth they were supposed to suggest for a short story.
Then, suddenly, a youthful voice broke through the oppressive silence!
"Pardon me, mister writer! I would suggest we write a story about the power of YOUTH and HARD WORK! A story full of FIRE AND PASSION!"
"What th…Lee?"
"Yes!"
The tension in the room diffused as everyone looked at the martial artist with the large eyes and thick eyebrows.
"…You know what, at this point, that might actually work. What've you got?"
"Well, I would suggest-"
"LEEEEEEEEE!"
Everyone turned and, to nobody's surprise, Maito Gai was standing on the table, giving his nice guy pose. His thumb was up like a flagpole and his teeth shined more brightly than the bling of a rapper.
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee! Well done! You were the first to have an idea the author approved of! That's my student!"
Lee's eyes started getting wet and before long streams of tears poured down from them, producing a sizeable puddle.
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEE!"
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEEEEEEEEE!"
"GAAAAI-SEEEENSEEEEIIIIIII!"
"LEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
With that, the two men engaged in a YOUTHFUL hug as they burst into tears. Suddenly, the scenery changed into a beach and a giant tsunami wave appeared. While everyone scrambled to safety, the wave washed the two embracing ninjas out of the building before Lee could even reveal his idea. A few of the minor characters were swept away as well, such as various villagers, weak enemies, and unpopular characters like Ino.
"I'm not unpopular it's just my jutsuuuuuuuuuuu!" Ino shouted at the writer as she was washed out of the building.
The group flopped around like a bunch of fish on the deck of a boat before settling back in their chairs. By that time, only Konoha's major shinobi were present.
The author sighed and dismissively waved his hand at the ninjas gathered there.
"Right. I'm starting to care less and less, so just gimme an idea and I'll try and market the first one that stinks the least."
Naruto raised his hand and waved it around.
"OOO! OOO! OOOOO! PICK ME! PICK ME! WHAT IF YOU DID SOMETHING ABOUT IF I WAS THE HOKA-"
"No way, scaredycat, you heard him," Sasuke calmly interrupted.
"Yeah, well, he hates you and your quest for vengeance!"
Sasuke turned his head away and stuck his nose in the air.
"I'm just different."
"Naruto, don't insult Sasuke-kun!"
"Now, now, everyone," Kakashi attempted to say, "There's no need to OW!"
Kakashi's hands were slapped by Jiraiya.
"Get your filthy mits off my books! That's MY private stash!"
"I don't care, I've gotta have more Icha Icha!"
"Don't you have your OWN books!"
"I left it at home, dumbass, so gimme those books!"
"No!"
Orochimaru laughed with a hiss.
"So this is the strength of Konoha's ninja! Pathetic!"
"You're one to talk. I can beat you in one manga chapter…" Itachi calmly said.
"Hey, who's the one with Legendary in his title, you or me!"
"And yet you couldn't make it in our criminal organization," Itachi's partners taunted mercilessly.
"Shut…shut up! I'm great! I am! You guys are just mean, ganging up on me! You're jealous! JEALOUS IS ALL!" Orochimaru shouted, starting to cry uncharacteristically.
"Wait, everyone-" the author tried to say, but it was too late as the entire important cast started arguing amongst one another. Suddenly, he heard something particularly stupid…
"You could do a story based on popular trading card games!"
The thoroughly exasperated writer turned to a strange group of newcomers and his eyes widened in realisation.
"You're that stupid kid from Yu-Gi-Oh!"
"That's right, and you could somehow work in a set of ultra-rare cards with the fate of the world! Fail to draw all five, and BOOM!"
"Look, do you honestly think that CARDS make for good anime?" the author asked with decreasing mercy and patience.
"My fans think I'm cool…" the spiky haired card player moped.
A guy with these odd red and white…ball…things raised his hand.
"While we're at it, I've an idea!"
"Heeeey…you're Ash! Or is it Satoshi? Or Red? I can never tell."
"I'm Diamond."
"Diamond?"
"That's right! Diamond!"
He sighed as he was no longer in the mood to rationalise the characters.
"Alright…Diamond…what've you got?"
"Well, I've an idea, see! What if you wrote something ADVENTUROUS and INSPIRATIONAL of me and my pals-"
"Who were your pals again? You change them as often as you change Pokemon."
"Misty and Brock, who else?"
"…Right."
"So anyways, me and my pals, we recount our friendship, and then we find a RARE POKEMON! One that represents our friendship!"
"Rare Pokemon?" the author asked with an arched eyebrow.
"Rare Pokemon!"
"Well, I gotta ask…how many Pokemon are you guys up to now?"
"Weeeeell, we lost count around number nine thousand…" Diamond lamely admitted. With so many legendary and supremely powerful Pokemon, it was a wonder their world was still intact.
Suddenly, Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z, wearing an eye scanner, rushed in and took the scanner off.
"IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAND!"
With that, he crushed the scanner, threw it down and repeatedly stomped on it over and over again before running off.
After an awkward moment of silence, they spoke again.
"No."
"No?"
"No. Now get out."
With that, the writer unceremoniously threw the extra characters out. Then he was made aware that the Naruto characters were still fighting. Sakura was knocked out, Naruto and Sasuke were duelling, and somehow, Might Guy made it back in and was fighting a weary Kakashi.
"HAHAHAHAAAA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, KAKASHI! MY DISCIPLE GOT AN IDEA RIGHT BEFORE ANY OF YOURS!"
"Guy, we really don't have to do this…"
"You're my rival and my reason for becoming even STRONGER!"
"It's so unfair…so unfair…" Orochimaru whimpered pathetically in a corner.
"C'moooooon! Write the next Icha Icha series, mister author! It'll be a hit! Your language is WAY superior to mine!"
"No! Write about ultimate power!"
"Hokage!"
"Vengeance!"
"LOOOOOOOVE!"
"SHUT UP!"
The scream from the author echoed throughout the conference room, causing everyone to be still.
"GET OUT! OUT! THIS ISN'T WORTH IT! THIS WHOLE MEETING HAS TURNED INTO A PATHETIC SERIES OF LAME JOKES, ONE AFTER THE OTHER!"
"But-"
"SHUT UP! GO! NOW!"
The entire cast of Naruto hastily retreated. The writer buried his face in his hands and moaned in despair.
"It's hopeless…I'll NEVER be able to write something for my friends before they leave! It's hopeless!"
However, the writer looked up at the chaos that had unfolded in the room. He paused, the beginnings of a plan unfolding.
"You know…I might have just reached 'so dumb, it just might work'."
With that, he started writing the entire meeting in all its stupidity…
The End