A Boy's Farewell to the World
Part One

To those who think they know me,

My name is Duo Maxwell. And I have a problem.

As I write this letter to no one in particular, a knife sits perched on my knee. I'm depressed. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of this godforsaken life. I'm debating in my head whether or not I should use the knife. It's tempting, glinting so damn evilly in the little light that fills my dingy hotel room. Where I got the knife from I can't seem to remember. Maybe it came from the wobbly room service cart that was brought to me earlier. The food is untouched. My stomach doesn't seem to want the poorly cooked food. Maybe I found the knife in the alley trashcans I was digging through earlier. What compelled me to do that, I don't know. Perhaps the knife was calling to me, nestled so gently in garbage. But this knife. I've had it for so long. I've wanted to kill myself before now. The knife on the cart goes untouched and the knife amongst the garbage still rests there.

Duo Maxwell's not what he seems. I've hidden behind this façade of happiness, this pretense of stability when I'm not stable nor am I happy. I want it to end. I've wanted a way out for so long that I can't remember the last time that dying wasn't at the top of my to-do list. I should just do it. But every time that knife nears my wrist, every time I prepare to make that first cut, the courage seeps out of my veins leaving me crying like a little girl. But I haven't lost my dolly. I've lost my sanity.

You all laugh at the stupid things I say and do but you don't realize that you become the knife. You just laugh. I'm not as stupid as I seem. I just can't prevent the comments from passing my lips. I can't prevent the actions from leaving the drawing board in my mind. They're habits, walls built to stop the pain. But now they hurt me and I can't do anything about them. Because the walls are closing in on me and they'll come tumbling around my head soon.

I think I've finally found the courage to do it. I'll end my life now. Writing this has given me closure that I couldn't find in my mind. So goodbye, those who thought they knew me. This is Duo Maxwell signing off.

Signed,
Duo

PS - I love you, Heero.