I have news.
Basically, this story is no longer being written by WindowsDown22, she let me adopt it since she had no ideas and she thought my writing was good.
She already got the first two chapters down, so I'll post those and then continue from there. I hope you aren't mad or upset because I'm not nearly as good. But hopefully you guys learn to enjoy what I will be planning for the story.
Summary: Everyone has their problems, but for these four boys things are much more serious. From being socially inept, to not being able to move on from the past. From having reoccurring panic attacks, to having no control over your urges. It makes life just that much harder, but will they be able to help each other, or will they let their fear get the better of them. Kogan/Jarlos/Light Kames.
Fear Of You
Chapter 1: Change In My Ways
"Okay Logan, you can do this, it's going to be fine. There all here for the same reasons as you are, to get help. They're not going to try and humiliate you, or embarrass you. No, they're not. You're going to get help, confront your fear and it will all be all right, everything will be all right," I whisper to myself, closing my eyes as I heave in deep gulps of air.
"Sweetie-"
"Mummy, please don't make me go!" I scream, turning around to jump into my mother's arms. I feel so ridiculous. A twenty-five year old grown man I am, and this is how I act, like a child who's afraid of their first day of school. Even though I feel so utterly stupid I can't help myself. My worst fear lies behind the door before me, and even though on the way here I have somehow managed to convince myself this is a good idea, I now know differently. I cannot do it. I simply cannot do it.
"Please, please," I beg my voice only just audible, as my mother pries our intertwined limbs apart.
"I'll do better I swear, I'll go back to Doctor Morris and I'll do better I swear mum, I'll do better please."
"No Logan, we agreed this was for the best remember. And it's only ninety minutes and then I'll be back to pick you up. Remember what I said, I'll have your favourite meal waiting for you at home. Apple pie with whipped cream, doesn't that sound good?"
"Don't baby the boy Joana!" the booming voice of my father resonates throughout the hall, causing me to flinch. He steps forward, grabbing my arms and turning me towards the door.
"Daddy, please, p-please," I begin to cry, this normally getting my parents to give into me, but even the drops of tears trickling down my face don't seem to work.
"No Logan, we're sick of this. Your twenty-five years olds for god's sake and you have nothing going for you because of what you're suffering from. You need help and that doctor of yours recommended this so your going-"
"Please no," but before I can finish my sentence my dad has opened the door and shoved me through, slamming the door shut not allowing me to exit. I immediately grab at the door handle trying to open the door, but my dad has a strong grip on the other side not allowing me to do so. When I finally realise that he is not going to let up, I stop leaning my forehead against the cold glass.
"You must be Logan Mitchell," I suddenly hear behind me.
I whip around to see many pairs of eyes upon me. There is a group of at least eight not including the woman who has spoken to me. I freeze up not being able to help it. They are all staring at me, and I can already hear their choruses of laughter aimed towards me. The woman stands up, a warm smile on her face. She gives off such caring vibes but I know not to trust them. That only leads towards trouble, and I have had enough of that for one life time.
"Everyone this is Logan Mitchell, one of two new members here today. Can everyone give him a warm welcome?" The woman says cheerfully, everything about her demeanour screaming you can confide in me. I bite down on my bottom lip not willing to believe this. She may seem trustworthy but then they all do. I have experience when it comes to these people. Their intentions seem honourable at first and then all of a sudden everyone is left laughing at you, causing a great deal of embarrassment and humiliation.
"Why does he look like he's about to piss himself," my eyes flicker towards a very attractive male, his face full of arrogance. He smirks as my eyes lay on him, immediately pulling away. I have known this would be a bad idea from the moment it had been mentioned in my therapy sessions with Doctor Morris a few months ago. I have been dreading it ever since, and now that this boy has spoken up I can feel my knees beginning to buckle underneath me.
"James," the woman says harshly, the man now known as James rolls in eyes in turn.
"We're all here to help each other James, and I do not expect those kind of remarks from you," the damage is done however. I feel incompetent and small. I know that this place is not going to help me. How can it with someone like him in the room.
"Now everyone say welcome Logan," the woman tries again.
"Welcome Logan," the group says even James. I look around at the eight others taking in their appearances. The group consists of both male and female participants. As I look around a girl sticks out to me, her hands going up to give me a sweet wave. My face goes red at this, my breathing becoming ragged.
"Now it's okay Logan, no one is here to make fun of you in anyway. And you can disregard James' remark. That will not be happening again," she stares at James who holds his hands up in surrender before turning back to me, "We are all here for them reason; to get help right guys."
Some people nod enthusiastically, others look down avoiding eye contact with anyone. James just smirks up at me, smug like, everything about him full of haughtiness.
The woman now begins to move towards me after saying this, my eyes darting around the room wondering why she is doing so. She ends up being a few feet away from me, making me back up against the door, a tightening sensation forming in my chest, my stomach churning with nausea.
"It's okay Logan, I am just going to introduce myself. My name is Leila George," she extends a hand which I want to take. In normal social situation this is what you do, I tell myself inwardly, but my hand will not seem to move itself. She retracts her hands still smiling.
"It's okay, we'll get there eventually," she whispers before returning to where she had been previously. I am still up against the door, so when she takes her seat she smiles before saying, "Please take a seat Logan. Don't worry, no one bites here," she again makes a point to glare at James in warning. I fiddle with my fingers nervously before shuffling forward slowly. It takes me a while but soon enough I am just in front of the seat. I sit down upon it, and wait for the humiliation to begin. Every negative thought possible is going through my head; your boring Logan, everyone will think you boring, and stupid, don't forget stupid. Oh they're just waiting for you to mess up so they can laugh in your face and watch you cry like the baby you are. The tightening in my chest is back and I actually think I am going to throw up, but this feeling eases when no one says anything. Leila simply smiles.
"Well that great, now we have a few minutes so we will just wait for Carlos-"
Leila is interrupted by the opening of the door. I look up to see a tanned boy walking through. He greets everyone with a smile, before turning back to close the door. I frown when he re-opens the door and closes it again before doing so one more time. He then turns back towards everyone.
"Hey guys," he chirps. "I'm Carlos Garcia."
"Well hello Carlos, I'm Leila," Leila stands again moving towards Carlos. When she extents a hand again he takes it, which makes me envy him. Stupid, why didn't you just do that like the normal person he is? But I notice that perhaps Carlos isn't so normal after all. He shakes Leila's hand up and down three times but when Leila goes for a forth he yanks his hands away. I expect Leila to be taken aback but she isn't simply smiling and gesturing for Carlos to take a seat. He walks over to the empty stool, examining it firstly. He then pulls a cloth from his back pocket and a small bottle of I don't know what. He kneels down on one knee before cleaning the stool seat. He rubs the cloth in circles three times one way, then three times the other way. I find this strange. When finished he sits down.
"Okay now everyone is here, let's begin shall we," Leila starts off. "Now first of all for both Logan's and Carlos' sake I want all of you to go around and introduce yourselves and tell us why you're here. Now I want you to do this when I point to you."
My breathing is once again ragged, the negative thoughts coming back. You can't do this, you're boring and stupid and who wants to know anything about you. You're just going to embarrass yourself, just like you always do. My stomach clenches tightly as I begin to sweat profusely.
"HI my name is Camille Roberts," I look up to see the girl who had waved at me previously. She is smiling which I find strange. I thought that most people here would be like me, but so far that has proved unlikely.
"And I am here because I have a Triskaidekaphobia," I raise my eye-brows towards her, wondering what that even means.
"It means fear of the number thirteen," she says looking at me whilst doing so. I nod not wanting to say anything.
"Yeah, it's kind of crazy but this place has really helped. I don't nearly freak out as much on the thirteenth date of each month."
When Camille finished everyone begins to clap so I join in, lightly placing my hands together not wanting to clap louder than anyone else, or get stuck clapping loudly after everyone is finished. Other people are introduced. Jeff and Ricki are first both of them having generalised anxiety disorder, which led to him becoming insomniacs. Cameron is next who has the rare panic attack along with agoraphobia; a fear of being in places where escape or help would be difficult to find in the event of a panic attack. Then Jo who suffers from depression and frequent attacks of anxiety, before Leon who has mysophobia the fear of germs.
After this there are three people left. I look towards each of them. One is Carlos who looks a little uncomfortable, but probably nowhere near as bad as I look. Then there is James, who sits arms folded across his chest with that look of haughtiness still plastered over his face. Then lastly I turn to look at-
My heart jumps up into my mouth, my face turning a boiling red, my breathing becoming laborious and the tightening in my chest is back like I am going to pass out in any second. There sits the most beautiful man I have ever seen. With dirty blond locks that I can't help but want to run my fingers through and piercing green eyes that look like emeralds he is absolutely beautiful.
"Kendall how about you go next," I hear Leila say. The sound of his name is music to my ears. I can't even describe what I am feeling, never having felt something so intense before in my life.
"Okay, well yeah, I'm Kendall Knight and I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder," I gulp wondering what led him to suffer from this.
"Thank you Kendall," Leila says after everyone's finished clapping, before turning and pointing to James.
"Hi my names James Diamond, and for all you newbies out there," he turns to first wink at Carlos, before winking at me, "I am very much single and would love to show around my bedroom sometime-"
"James," Leila says threateningly.
"Fine and I'm here because-well to be honest I don't know why the fuck I'm here surrounded by a bunch of crazies-"
"James!" Leila shouts this time with more of aggression.
"Had any mummy issues lately James," everyone turns to Kendall who is smirking examining his nails in what appears to be disinterest, even though he is clearly interested in the conversation at hand.
"You know even though you have daddy issues, it didn't stop you from screaming out 'spank me harder daddy," Kendall put his hands down at this looking over at James in what seems like a threatening manner until he is without warning smiling.
"I don't have daddy issues."
"Step daddy, same thing."
All the while that this conversation is in commence my heart is feeling like it is about to break in two. I should've known Kendall would be with someone as pretty as James. He would never go for someone like you, you're boring, and the negative thoughts are back.
"Okay you two that's enough, now what about you Carlos."
Everyone turns to Carlos, the tanned man clearing his throat before doing so again and again, much like he had when shutting the door, shaking Leila's hand or wiping his stool down.
"Well um, my names Carlos Garcia and I have obsessive compulsive disorder."
It makes sense now.
"So you have to do things in sets of three I'm guessing," Leila speaks up. Carlos nods. "And you also have an issue with cleanliness," again Carlos nods. She smiles before turning to Leon.
"Perhaps you should talk to Leon, you two share some similarities in you condition," Carlos looks towards Leon who smiles back at him. I only wish that someone here will do the same for me, but there have been no takers so far.
"Okay so Logan, it looks like it's your turn."
I look up not having expected for her to make me have a turn. I have thought that she understood but clearly not. I shake my head, shying away. I know I shouldn't have come here, but my parents are forcing me. I hate them so much right now.
"Logan, everyone else has gone it's your turn."
"Yeah come on Logan, I'm intrigued," Camille says, leaning forward against her knees. "It's obvious something to do with being adorably shy."
I don't know what is with this girl, but I don't particularly like it. It makes me feel so uncomfortable the way she is talking to me.
"Sure he's adorably shy, but he's obviously super gay as well," James said more to Camille. My face flushes red. I have never even thought about the fact of being gay. I've never even had a girlfriend let alone a boyfriend.
"How do you know?" Camille speaks up.
"Because he's been pounding blondie over there with his eyes ever since he saw him," James replies indicating towards Kendall.
I can't believe James is doing this to me. I feel so embarrassed and I knew that this is going to happen to me. Why did I agree to come to this thing? Tears prick the back of my eyes, by body shaking.
"Ignore James Logan, and tell us what's up?" this time it isn't Leila encouraging me to speak up. It's Kendall. My eyes widen at the fact that he is actually talking to me.
"Come on Logan, it really helps to talk about it," Kendall again encourages.
"I um-"I actually speak and it surprises even me. But with Kendall's gaze upon me, his green eyes boring into me, I can't deny him.
"I-I well my name is-my uh name is um, Logan…L-Logan M-Mitchell and I am here-well I'm here because-well I a severe s-social anxiety dis-disorder."
I breathe a sigh of relief having really just done that. I don't even know how I managed it, having never been able to even contemplate speaking in front of a group of people before. But something about Kendall calms my fear, my disorder, the one thing that has kept me from living my life to its fullest. I look over at him and he is smiling, which makes me blush.
"Well done Logan," everyone claps.
"Now that we've got that out of the way, let's go around the group and talk about this past week. How it's been for everyone?"
Again the fear is back. Introducing myself is one thing, but talking about my life is another.
The turns go around the group and when it comes to me, I freeze up once again. Everyone stares at me like I'm some sought of freak, and it just makes me wish this was all over. I just want to go back home, hide in my room, and never leave it again. This is all too much, too fast and it is causing me to panic. My chest tightens again, my heart racing. My breathing comes short and sharp and I feel my stomach once again begin to churn.
"So Logan, how has your week been?" Leila asks me. I bite the inside of my cheek over and over again, feeling my face go hot and then cold and then hot again.
"Well I-I-I, um I-"I stop there shaking my head. I don't know what to say. What is there to tell about my last week? Nothing exciting, because you're boring.
"Come on," James drawls out in a disgruntled voice. "Just tell us what you did in the past week, it's not that hard."
Wow I really hate this guy. I don't know what his problem is. He just seems like a jerk, even when he was telling the group about his week, he came across as obnoxious and arrogant. I still don't know exactly what's wrong with him, for he still refuses to talk about it exactly, but all I know is that he is a giant dick (not that I'd ever say that to him out loud). I pout which makes me close up even more.
"Stop being such a jerk James, and Logan it's all right. You can tell us okay. No one will make fun of you, including James," when Kendall says this, my heart can't help but skip a beat. Of course it's stupid for Kendall and James clearly have something going on.
"W-Well I um, didn't d-do much," I don't look up at anyone, my eyes upon the ground, my fingers clasping and unclasping together nervously.
"Well because of you disorder, how about we talk about the people that you've talked with this week," I don't reply.
"With severe social anxiety disorder, it's amazing that you're here Logan. You've come this far, and the next step is open up to us. I personally want to know the people who you feel comfortable enough to socialize around, so why don't you just tell use a few things you've done with people who a re-current within your social circles," Leila spoke.
I took a deep breath before saying, "W-Well I-I played s-scrabble with m-my mum."
I hear James scoff, feeling the vomit actually making its way up my throat. I gag slightly before pushing it down, not being able to look up at anyone.
"I like playing scrabble," I hear Kendall say. My eyes flit up to him, seeing him smiling. I look back down.
"I-I'm pretty g-good at i-it."
A moment of silence passes between the group.
"Well that's good Logan," a small buzzing sounds, as Leila nods smiling. "Well that was great progress guys, now that's our ninety minutes up. I think we've had a good session, now we'll meet back here, same place, same time, next week."
The group dispersed after this, everyone saying good bye to one another. James didn't bother to be honest, pushing past everyone to exit first. Camille gives me flirty eyes still not believing what James had said as she passes me. I stand up to leave, falling back onto my seat as I see Kendall standing before me.
"I-I K-Ken-"
"Hey," Kendall says to me. There is an awkward moment where we simply stare into each other's eyes and there is a connection there for me. I am not sure if it is the same for Kendall, but I definitely feel such a strong pull towards him. I break the gaze, looking down at the floor.
"I just wanted to say it was nice meeting you, and I'll see you next week," when I look back up he is gone. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Everything feels like its haywire, the tightening in my chest is there again, along with the need to throw up. My phone vibrates in my pocket making me jump. I calm myself down before pulling my phone out, reading the text from my mum. I then stand up, my whole body shaking as I leave what has been my first group therapy session, only one thought in mind.
I can't wait for next week's session.
Love it? Hate it? Please let me know. (if you haven't read it before, welcome!)
I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I'm not sure if I should still ask questions at the ending. I'll think about it.
DianaMaslowx