Because who doesn't want Kurt to get car washed, am I right?
It all kind of happened in a blur.
One second, Kurt was in the fourth row watching teen pop sensation Blaine Anderson strut around the stage of the Belasco in heels and fishnets (and fuck if that wasn't going to be helpful for his next bout of alone time), and the next, he was watching Hedwig hop offstage and start prowling through the audience, looking for her next victim.
He didn't expect to make eye contact.
He didn't expect Hedwig's face to light up when she saw him.
And he sure as hell didn't expect her to climb up on his chair for the infamous car wash scene.
Jesus Christ, Kurt thought, stunned. After a moment, he regained enough brain function to grab Hedwig's calves and brace her a little, a move that made Hedwig look down and give him a quick wink and a smile.
"We've got a real knight in shining armor at the car wash tonight, ladies and gentlemen!" she yelled during the break. "Hopefully his sword doesn't get rusty once I'm through with him!"
Kurt felt himself blush like a tomato as Hedwig hopped down and continued journeying through the audience, lap-dancing another man a few rows back and plopping down in the lap of yet another when the next break came. Then she was up like lightning and back onstage, oozing sex as she sang with Yitzhak.
"You! Come here!" she cried when the final break came, pointing directly at Kurt, who complied as quickly as his confused brain would allow. Once he was up against the stage, she knelt down and planted a messy, wet kiss on him, making his brain short-circuit again. He'd barely even processed what was happening before she shoved him away viciously, almost making him fall into the lap of a girl in the front row.
"God, lucky you," the girl whispered as she helped push Kurt back up. "You've got her lipstick all over, holy shit."
Kurt wobbled all the way back to his seat, thinking I am so stage-dooring tonight.
True to his word, Kurt managed to find a decent spot amongst Blaine's other fans once the show let out, hoping it wouldn't take too long for Blaine to appear - he had an early dance rehearsal the next day, and his partner would gouge his eyes out if he dropped her mid-stunt. Thankfully, Blaine made his way out to them after only forty-five minutes.
"Thanks for coming, everyone!" he yelled, a genuine smile on his face. "Let's try and get you all home safe before much longer, okay? Just be patient."
Kurt busied himself by chitchatting with the people near him, most of whom had come from Pennsylvania for one girl's birthday. He gave them some advice on where they should go in the couple days they had before returning home, feeling like a real New Yorker when they sounded impressed by his knowledge. Once Blaine came closer to them, though, all pretense of a conversation was lost in favor of squealing and snapping as many pictures as they could.
Finally, finally, Blaine was in front of him.
"Hi," Kurt breathed, forgetting how to make sentences when his biggest celebrity crush was standing right in front of him. He hoped the leftover lipstick from earlier didn't look too tacky - he thought it might jog Blaine's memory if he'd already forgotten the performance.
"Oh my God, you're here," Blaine said, looking just as stunned. "I thought - I was hoping - please don't sue, Kurt."
"Wh- How do you know my name? Why would I want to do that?" Kurt said, perplexed.
"I put my genitals in your face and practically shoved my tongue down your throat!" Blaine moaned sadly. "And I just know you're going to be on some talk show someday and they'll ask you about your weirdest celebrity encounter and you'll tell them about this and I'll have to wear a paper bag over my head for the rest of my life-"
"-Wait, why will I be on a-"
"-I mean, I just know you're going to be great, I saw you in that tribute to Sondheim a couple weeks ago at 54 Below and I was amazed, like honestly blown away by the depth of your talent and the emotions you put into that song, my God, your eyes were just so-"
"Blaine!" Kurt yelled, finally halting the other man's ramble. "You - you really saw me there?"
"Yeah, I was incognito in the back," Blaine said, scrubbing a hand over his gelled-down curls.
"I think I'm going to pass out," Kurt said. When Blaine anxiously turned to look for a medic, he grabbed his arm and continued, "Not really, Blaine, that was just an expression!"
"I'm sorry, I'm just so flustered," Blaine said, eyes big and pleading. "I saw you in the moment and just went for it - I swear I wouldn't normally do that!"
"I'm not complaining," Kurt said quietly, just loud enough for the two of them to hear. "I mean, it was a bit of a surprise, yeah, but I've had a thing for you since your debut single, so I can't say I was disappointed by this turn of events. Not that I was actively hoping to get your genitals in my face!"
"I get it," Blaine said kindly, smiling at Kurt and making his heart skip a couple of beats. "And I'd really better finish up with this line before someone tries to hop the barricade, but - would you like to get a coffee with me sometime, Kurt? I promise I won't greet you by climbing onto your chair and grinding in your face."
Kurt's eyes widened, and he nodded emphatically in lieu of words.
"Wonderful," Blaine said, still smiling. "Let me see your Playbill."
Kurt handed it over, watching in awe as Blaine scribbled a message, a number, and his signature before handing it back. Before Blaine turned away, he reached down and squeezed Kurt's free hand, which was resting on the barricade.
"I hope we'll see each other again soon," he said.
"Me too," Kurt replied, surprised he was even able to speak. Blaine Anderson had just asked him on a date!
He didn't look at the Playbill again until he got home, for fear of a stranger seeing Blaine's number on the front and trying to take it from him.
Maybe this will be a story we can tell the interviewers someday? It would have a much happier ending.
(555) 253-5464
Blaine
Kurt couldn't keep the grin off his face as he texted Blaine to set up their coffee date. He liked the sound of this new talk show scenario.
(Sure enough, Blaine and Kurt were on Ellen six months later, talking about how they'd met and the new production they were about to headline in together. Blaine even came out wearing a paper bag, making Ellen laugh and Kurt rip it off in frustration so he could share a loving, glitter-free kiss with his ridiculous boyfriend.)