It was a pleasant day in Narnia. Except for the battle. Bizarrely freakish humanoid animals had showed up from all over the land in a desperate last stand against their suspiciously Arab-looking oppressors. There were rabbits and sheep and cows, ducks and rats and crows, and all manner of other abhorrently cute little vermin. 'Twas truly a sight to be seen.
Their opposition was no less impressive. They stood in wide rows, their armor gleaming splendidly in the fine summer sun. They held their halberds at attention, their pikes at the ready, and there was nary a flaccid bodkin in the bunch, if you know what I mean. They glared across the field at the animal horde, daring the fiends to poop on their lawn or lick their naughty areas. (I hope you knew well enough to assume the right antecedent for that "their" there, you pervert)
As the two armies prepared to beat the crap out of each other, Prince Caspian and the four other kids were on the way to go meet Jesus, who in Narnia was also a lion. They were certain that Jesus would grant them the divine providence necessary to vanquish their dastardly Arabesque foes, because Jesus was way cool. And so they trekked through entire yards of bizarrely bland forested area before they came upon the clearing.
Prince Caspian stepped forward and said some things, and those other four kids watched him do it. They were also kings of Narnia, which technically put them above Prince Caspian in the Narnia rankings, but two of them were girls so they brought the average down. Anyway, Prince Caspian finished his holy prayer for Jesus and then they waited.
Half an hour later, they were still waiting.
Finally, one of the kids said "Gosh and golly gee! Why is he so LATE," and she kicked a rock out of anger.
The rock collided with a nearby ridge, which caused a number of other rocks to fall as well. The youths watched expectantly as a hidden cave was revealed before their very eyes! Surely, this was the hideaway of Jesus.
One of them poked their head inside to find a small, dank hollow, barely five feet deep in any direction.
"Well topping ho," said the oldest of the kids. "Narnia is certainly lacking in whimsical wonder this morning, wot wot."
Just then, as they were preparing to leave disheartened, they heard a sound from behind them! All of them turned around to see a most unusual sight.
There was a young-looking man approaching them, carrying along with him a bizarre sort of two-wheeled cart. His black hair was tied up in what could only be a topknot wig, and he wore a simple seafoam-colored robe and sandals. Riding in the cart was a much older man, similarly garbed, but with an impressive hat and a grey beard nearly half a foot long. He carried with him a large fan with splendid feathers, and was quite the magnificent sight.
"Ni hao," said the younger man, setting down the cart. "I'm Chinese Jesus."
The kids were quite taken aback by this development. Jesus was a lion, not an Asian! They gaped at the new arrivals, too stunned to respond.
"So what, I thought you guys summoned me," said Chinese Jesus, expectantly. He had a distinct Mandarin accent, although his Narnian was also perfect. He walked over to Prince Caspian to get a better look. "You sure you need help?"
Prince Caspian regained himself. "Yes, o holy one." He genuflected, and seeing him do so caused the other kids to do the same. "We thank you for answering us."
Chinese Jesus looked a little embarrassed. "Yeah, no problem. So what you guys need?"
The oldest of the kids was the one to respond this time. "We ask you to grant us the power to vanquish our foes and restore Narnia!"
At this, most of them got up and cheered. Chinese Jesus was not sure why they did that, but to each their own. What they wanted was a little confusing, though. "You want to vanquish people?" he frowned. "That doesn't sound very nice."
"But we must, o lord! In the name of Narnia!" cried Prince Caspian.
They all cheered again, and the sound the little girl made was truly frightening.
"You sure you don't just want a pork fried rice?" asked Chinese Jesus, who gestured towards a couple of takeout bags that he seemed to have suddenly acquired. "I brought lunch."
At this point, the man still sitting on the cart spoke up, slowly dismounting himself. "Perhaps I can be of assistance, my lord."
Chinese Jesus turned around and blinked. "Oh yeah, forgot to mention. This is Kongming, a very well respected official. The heavens willed that he come with me today."
Kongming nodded, slowly approaching with his fan in hand. "I have studied your situation closely, Prince of Narnia. If it is victory you seek, ask me three times and I will help you."
A confused expression came over Prince Caspian's face. "Three times?"
"Yes."
He cleared his throat. "Noble sir, I am most grateful for your offer. Will you please aid us in liberating our kingdom?"
Kongming closed his eyes, then opened them. Then he looked at some trees.
"If you have any way of helping us, will you please do so?"
Kongming continued to not respond.
"Um, will you please help us?"
At this, the old man said, "With this third question, allow me to respond." He sighed briefly. "I have prepared a great many strategies for your struggle, both today and in the future." He pointed his fan at nothing in particular. "The road ahead… will be long," he turned to point his fan at Caspian. "But the destination… is certain."
At this, all the kids cheered again. The conversation had wandered back into familiar ground.
Chinese Jesus had long since begun eating his lunch, which was magically warm even after having been carried into the mortal plane. But at the resolution of this particular confrontation, he engaged himself once more. "Wait, so you guys didn't want enlightenment? You wanted to kill a bunch of people?"
"They are enemies of the land!" shrieked the little girl. She certainly had some lungs on her. Some of the other kids muttered agreement.
"And you're cool with this?" Chinese Jesus asked, turning to Kongming.
"It is the will of heaven. This path has been chosen for us." replied Kongming, looking off into the distance.
"Yeah, okay." Chinese Jesus muttered, going back to his pork. Heaven got some pretty funky ideas sometimes.