There was just so much space between them, a distance that seemed too great to fill.
They weren't together anymore, like before.
It was exhausting to keep up appearances, and the lies, it was taking it's toll on both of them, he never slept anymore, and she couldn't eat, it was killing them to stay together but they did.
"How long are going to do this?" She asked him after another silent dinner where he ate and said very little, and she just sat there fork in hand pushing the food around on her plate, only managing to take tiny bits.
He signed, and dropped his head a little, he wasn't in the mood for this, he was too tired, but he knew he needed to give her some sort of response, "Do what Andy?" He asked.
He had even stopped calling her McNally, even after the wedding he still called her McNally because she would always be McNally to him, even though she was a Swarek, a happy one at that. But it had been a while since he called her that, now it was just Andy.
She cracked half opened mouth smile, shook her head and laughed, "This Sam, this whole routine that we having going."
Was there anything left to fix, to fight for? They both internally questioned, "Sam how long are we going to be do this," she said moving her hand.
They were just with each other, they barely spoke unless it was needed, they slept on opposite sides of the bed, if he worked late she'd go to the Penny because she had an actual excuse for him not being there with her.
Their dinners were mainly silent, their bed cold, their lives empty.
He knew what was going on but he wasn't willing to fight about it, and he wasn't ready to let her go, "Well, uhh, it's been what 9 month since you've said you love me, and 8 for me, uhh we haven't had sex in 7, so how much longer we keep this going is up to you." He stated bluntly, it was all true she thought.
She hadn't told him she love him in a long time, it wasn't that she didn't but she wasn't going to tell someone that she was in love with them when she wasn't it wouldn't be fair to her or him.
He still said it for a few weeks that held on to that last bit of fall, but realized that he was the only one saying it everyday before they went to bed, he'd kiss her on the forehead and whisper it in her ear, and it hurt him that she wouldn't say it back so in a way he stopped saying it so she could feel that way he did, unloved.
It didn't hit her until he said it but they hadn't slept together in a really, really long time, it wasn't that they weren't attracted to each other but when you've made love with someone and you feel so connected to them, just having sex doesn't cut it, there was no meaning when they did it 7 months ago, so they just stopped.
He hoped that it would bring them out of whatever they were in but it didn't, in a way it only made things worse because he realized there was no emotion there anymore.
"Sam, I'm not willing to say something I don't mean..." She said meekly, trailing off as she did. It broke her heart that she was standing there telling him that, telling him that she didn't love him anymore.
He shook his head slightly, "Okay, so what are we doing here then Andy? Why are we together?" He questioned, "You don't love me anymore, and I don't know if I love you. I think what's happened is that we're in love with the old versions of each other, I love the young, fiery, doe-eyed rookie, and you're in love with the cocky, career driven asshole that I was when we first met. But we've grown up a lot since then, and we're not the same people we were back then, and it sucks but, that's life right?"
He hadn't spoken that much to her in months, and it hurt, it hurt to hear that he didn't love her anymore, in a way she felt better knowing that it hurt her because that meant there was still something there.
"So this is it then?" She asked him quietly, she didn't want to fight, not now anyway, she wasn't emotionally strong enough to fight, and he was mentally not ready for a one on one Swarek-McNally duel, so he just shrugged his shoulders.
"Yeah, I guess so," He said digging his hands in his pockets, "You know, we would go days without having one of our conversations, you know the ones that usually involved me teasing you, and you laughing so much it made your stomach hurt, and when we did I used to miss you so much, I missed you laughing at yourself, I missed seeing that look in your eye, but it never seemed like you missed me, and I guess because of it I stopped miss you."
She didn't know if he was saying this to get even with her, or to hurt her for saying that she wouldn't tell him she loved him when she didn't mean it, "All, I can say Sam is I'm sorry,"
Shaking his head, "Don't be, it's half my fault were standing here doing this, so uhh, I guess I'll go upstairs and pack a couple of things and go crash at Ollie's cabin, you stay here, I want you too." He said before turning around and heading to their bedroom.
She gave him time, she just sat at the kitchen table waiting to see him walk down through the doorway, dufflebag in hand, ready to leave, and he did about 10 minutes after he left the kitchen.
"Maybe one day we can get this back, but just not today." He said as he slipped his shoes on and walked out the door.
"Yeah maybe one day." She said before sitting on the stairs, looking at the door knowing he's not going to walk through it anytime soon.