An Angel's Love by Ashley Madeline Williams
I imagine that as much poetry as Ashley Williams appears to have read and studied, she must have tried writing some of her own. Here, she attempts to come to terms with her feelings and actions on that night with her friend Cadrina Shepard described in the story Tulips and Revlon.
Operations Chief Ashley Madeline Williams composes a poem, dedicated to her dear friend Lieutenant Commander Cadrina Ellen Shepard…
Struggle is all I have known.
Strength and resolve are my blood and my shield.
But on that day,
I chose vulnerability.
I am complete in myself
And do not seek someone to fill emptiness in me.
I am content with the companionship of comrades and revelers.
But on that day,
I chose intimacy.
Hard when I must be, soft when I can be,
Tenderness is best spent on kin.
With open palm and closed fist,
I helped raise my sisters
To confront the world and match it on its terms.
But on that day,
Away from hearth and home,
I chose to love an outsider.
I chose to love an angel.
She possessed a radiance within
That drew attention from all around her.
In many ways like me,
But then much more unlike me.
In battle, she was resolute
And acted with righteous fury.
At peace, she was caring
And tended to all in her charge.
Those that stood with her
Against the approaching darkness
Only wanted to prove themselves worthy.
The light from within her
Made one aspire to be more
Than what they could be on their own.
It was in battle where the angel found me,
Humiliated and beaten.
She tended my wounds
And brought me into her fold.
Slowly, she drew out my doubts and fears
And showed me that there were other ways
Of seeing the world
Without compromising or changing
Who I am.
She showed me how family can exist
Outside one's own,
Each person a whole, yet dependent on one another.
She helped me find my strength again
And gave me a place at her side.
The light from within her
Was a beacon of hope
That I swore to defend and keep with my very soul.
Then the angel was taken away.
We desperately wanted to protect her,
But she made us consider our own lives
And the work that was yet to be done.
We were forced to watch
As the darkness consumed her.
The light, that beautiful light
Was gone.
And despite all reason and reflection,
I blamed myself
For allowing it to die.
Trying to remember all I learned from her
Only made the pain harder to bear.
I found myself slipping back into old habits
Just to keep from crumbling away.
How could God allow this?
Why show me such beauty and then
Snatch it away?
To make one stronger?
To make us aware of how temporary we are?
To cherish the time that we have?
Memories weren't enough.
I didn't cherish her enough!
And now I would find myself
Seeking out her light,
In everyone and everything else in my world
And never find any
That burned as hers did.
And then the angel returned
To combat the darkness once again,
To save me once again.
The light I missed so dearly had returned,
But I only saw the dark clouds that surrounded it,
That threatened to extinguish it once again.
I knew that this time she could withstand them,
I knew that soon they would part
And allow her to truly shine.
But I denied her.
I cursed Her!
I accused her of turning her back on me,
When I was truly condemning myself
For wanting to forget her.
But she did not return my anger,
When she had every right to do so.
Instead, she allowed me the space I wanted
And seemed truly sad to see me so hurt.
The old instincts and habits once again
Served to hold me back from hating myself outright.
She came to welcome you back,
Instead, you cast her out.
On that fateful day the angel came
To seek absolution from a sinner.
She had done no wrong;
The fault was mine.
Maybe I was arrogant, or foolish
Or maybe just too weary from holding back
I left all sense behind and let my passions overtake me.
I risked sacrilege and damnation -
I had the angel trapped!
With her helpless in my embrace,
I make my feelings known!
Love can make us so strange
Drive us to do things we'd never try when we're sane.
How can we ever hope to express pure love
While still trapped in errant flesh?
I ran from the angel,
Ashamed and angry at myself.
How dare I try to take and keep by force
Something that was not mine to have?
How could I face her again,
To tell her that my poor, base flesh
Was only trying to give in return
What she gave me?
She found where I had hidden myself from the world.
She comforted me and understood me.
The angel forgave me what I perceived as my sins.
I then asked for one moment with her.
To bask in her light
And profess my eternal love and gratitude
For who she was and all she has done for me.
Where mortals would have gently or sternly dismissed me,
The angel trusted me
And gave me what I wished for.
That moment was more beautiful,
More perfect than I hoped.
Pure acceptance, pure joy
Pure and true love as I have never known.
All that existed then was that moment.
If the universe around me chose to end right then and there,
That moment would be my heaven.
And still, I am whole.
Still, I struggle.
Still, I can be harsh or tender
All at the times I choose.
I am still everything I have always been and now much more
Now that the angel is in my life again.
And even if she should leave again,
My heart would sing and not weep.
For she would only return to heaven,
And her light,
Her love
Will still be with me.