Fullmetal Randomness!!
Chapter 1: Milk and Broccoli
Setting: Ed, Al, Scar, and Greed are eating dinner at Winry's house and Ed refuses to eat his broccoli and drink his milk. In order to get him to eat it Winry has conspired with the others to force Ed to eat his dinner.
Ed: (bangs knife and fork on the table) Food! Food! Food!
Al: Knock it off Ed. Winry was nice enough to invite us over for dinner and the least you could do is be civilized. Ed, can you hear me? (waves hand in front of Ed's face)
Greed: Maybe it has something to do with all that candy he ate earlier.
Scar: You fed him candy!? Are you insane!? (Ed starts shaking and laughing for no apparent reason)
Ed: Food! (Winry walks in)
Winry: Ed, shut up and sit down now! (puts plates on the table)
Ed: (looks excited then makes a face) Ew, broccoli! Don't tell me I have to eat broccoli! (flicks a piece with his finger)
Winry: (puts knife in Ed's face) You will eat your broccoli and you will like it! (turns to the others and smiles) Enjoy! (walks back into the kitchen)
Ed: (glares at a glass of milk) She even gave me milk! She knows I hate milk! (makes another face)
Winry: (from kitchen) Drink your milk! (Ed sticks his tongue out at Winry)
Al: Ed, eat your broccoli and drink your milk. They're good for you!
Greed: (talks sarcastic) Yeah. (spears a piece of broccoli and holds it up) Good for you. (puts it in his mouth and spits it out immediately) What the hell!?
Scar: Quit being a baby. (puts some in his mouth, begins chewing, and makes a face. Then he slowly swallows it) Wow. (leans over and coughs)
Ed: (glares at Al) See!
Al: My bad. Fine, drink your milk. It doesn't taste that bad.
Greed: (leans chair back on two legs) Come on kid. It might actually make you taller.
Ed: (glares daggers at Greed before jumping across the table, hands reaching for Greed's neck) Who are you calling a bean sprout midget who will never amount to anything!?
Roy: (suddenly appears dressed in a pirate suit, singing pirate songs off-key) Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me! Howdy mates, whatcha doing? (everyone is staring at him) What?
Scar: Why are you dressed in a pirate costume?
Roy: I liked the eye patch, and it just wouldn't seem right wearing it without the rest of the costume. Ooooo… whatcha eatin'? (sits down at the table)
Greed: Broccoli. (puts a piece on his spoon and launches it at Ed)
Ed: I'll kill you! (goes to attack Greed again)
Scar: Note to self... never take Roy to the movies to see Pirates of the Caribbean ever again...
Winry: (walks in) Ed! Sit down and finish your dinner! (Ed sits down and Greed laughs behind his hand) Good to see you again Roy. Here, have some dinner.
Roy: (Winry sets a plate in front of him) Ew, broccoli.
Winry: (flares) What do you mean 'Ew, broccoli?'
Roy: (cowers down in his chair) Nothing…
Winry: (backs off) Good. Now eat. (sits down at the table and begins to eat) Ed, drink your milk and eat your broccoli. They're good for you.
Ed: No! (crosses arms)
Winry: (forced patience) Ed, drink your milk and eat your broccoli!
Ed: No! I refuse! You can't make me!
Al: (leans over to Ed) I think it might be in your best interest to drink your milk and eat your broccoli before Winry gets angry.
Roy: Yes Ed, drink your milk and maybe one day you'll become a cool pirate like me! (pulls sword out of nowhere and makes a pose)
Scar: Where did you get the sword? (everyone looks confused)
Roy: (flames appear) Never you mind! (Scar looks unconvinced and Roy goes back to being normal) But since you asked, I'll tell you. A nice policeman took it from me on my way here and I just got it back. Anyways, if you don't eat your broccoli and drink your milk you'll never become a cool pirate like me! (strikes another pose)
Greed: I thought you said broccoli is disgusting. (flings another piece at Ed when Winry isn't looking)
Roy: That's not the point! (waves sword around, Scar and Al ducking to avoid it)
Winry: Sit down and eat your dinner! (Roy quickly sits down as Ed readies a knife to throw at Greed) Ed, put that down now! (Ed sits back down and Greed laughs)
Ed: I don't want to eat that nasty stuff! (pushes milk and broccoli away)
Winry: Al, hold him down. (puts down silverware and wipes mouth with napkin)
Al: What? (looks afraid)
Winry: You heard me. (stands up as Al sighs and grabs Ed who immediately begins struggling)
Ed: Let me go! (Greed grabs the other arm) What are you doing?
Greed: This is going to be fun. (Scar and Roy each grab a leg and hold Ed down as Winry grabs a glass of milk)
Ed: No! No! No! No! No! (Winry pinches Ed's nose shut with one hand) No! No! No! No! No!
Winry: Scar, grab some broccoli! (Ed closes his mouth as Winry tries to pour milk in it) Ed, open your mouth! (Ed shakes his head)
Greed: Open up! (pries Ed's mouth open and Ed bites him) Ow! (pulls finger away) Why you…
Winry: (pours milk in Ed's mouth) Now swallow! (Ed's face begins to turn blue and he shakes his head) Swallow I said!
Al: Come on Ed, swallow it! Just get it over with!
Ed: (spits milk out in Winry's face) Ha, ha! You can't get me to eat your stinky cooking and you can't get me to drink that nasty milk! Death to milk and broccoli!
Winry: (flares) How dare you call my cooking stinky and spit milk in my face!!? (milk is dripping out of her hair)
Ed: (laughs) Na, na, na, na, na, na! (blows raspberry and suddenly stops laughing) No, don't, please!
Winry: (grabs spoon and jacks Ed's mouth open before pouring an entire glass down his throat) That'll teach you not to call my cooking stinky and spit milk in my face.
Ed: (spits spoon out) Are you insane!? I could have choked!
Scar: Big loss there.
Ed: Shut up!
Roy: He still hasn't eaten his broccoli! (Scar shovels everyone's broccoli on one plate and hands it to Winry)
Winry: You'll thank me some day! (puts some in Ed's mouth and forces him to chew it)
Ed: (swallows and gags) I'm not thanking you now! (Winry shoves another piece in his mouth and he starts to gag)
Several minutes later…
Winry: See Ed, it wasn't that bad. (Ed is green and isn't moving) Now if you eat your dinner like a good boy this won't happen again.
Al: Winry, I think something's wrong. Ed isn't moving.
Greed: (sounds excited) Maybe he's been poisoned!
Scar: Don't count on it.
Roy: (hugs Ed) Ed, you can't leave me! You just can't! If you do there won't be anyone for me to go flower picking with and shoot spit wads at and give wedgies to! (starts sobbing and blows nose on Ed's shirt)
Ed: Get…off…me…
Roy: What did you say?
Ed: You…are…crushing…me…
Roy: (shouts in Ed's ear) You have to speak louder or else I can't understand you!
Ed: (pushes Roy off) Get off me! What are you, deaf!?
Al: (hugs Ed) Ed, you weren't poisoned after all!
Winry: (glares at Al) What did you say?
Al: Um…Ed, you survived!
Winry: Ahem…
Al: Uh…uh…Ed, you finally ate your delicious dinner made by Winry and now are so full you can't eat anymore of her wonderful cooking.
Winry: Thank you Al.
Ed: Whatever.
Greed: Damn it, he survived. (looks disappointed)
Scar: It would have been such a loss.
Ed: Stop sounding so sarcastic!
Winry: (gathers all the plates) Now that all of you have eaten, you can go out and play. (goes back into the kitchen)
Roy: Yeah! I call the swing! (runs outside while waving his sword)
Scar: Let's go blow something up. (walks outside)
Greed: (puts on sunglasses) Sounds like fun! (walks outside after Scar)
Al: Come on, let's go before Roy sets something on fire. (walks outside)
Ed: (looks around before cackling evilly and rubbing his hands together) Now, to get rid of that evil milk and broccoli!
5 minutes later…
Al: (comes back inside) Ed, where are you? (walks into the kitchen) Ed? Ed! What are you doing?
Ed: (whirls around and hides a jug of milk behind his back) Nothing. (looks around the room)
Al: You were pouring milk down the sink, weren't you?
Ed: No…I…was…washing out this jug for Winry! (cheesy smile)
Al: Okay…come outside them when you're done. (leaves)
Ed: Whew. That was close. (turns back to the sink) Now to get rid of the rest and destroy the evidence! (laughs evilly as he continues to pour milk down the drain) No more milk! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Meanwhile…
Winry: Roy, how could you stab yourself with your sword?
Roy: (crying) That nice policeman that took it away before tried to take it away from me again and I accidentally stabbed myself.
Greed: What a baby. Hey, where'd Scar go?
French Policeman: (talking to a handcuffed Scar) Why ze hell did you have to blow up ze Eiffel Tower!?
Scar: I'm telling you I didn't do it!
French Policeman 2: But several eye witnesses say zat a man fitting your description blew up ze Eiffel Tower along wiz a man wiz sunglasses, a fur lined vest, and…um (looks down at interrogation report) …shark teeth.
Scar: Whatever.
Greed: (smiles and shrugs) Good thing I got out of there when I did.
Al: Roy, you need to stop crying.
Ed: (appears out of nowhere) What's goin' on?
Al: Roy stabbed himself with his sword when he got in a fight with a policeman and hasn't stopped crying since.
Ed: Where's Scar? (looks around)
Winry: Now that you mention it, where is he? (Greed looks away)
Al: Greed, you wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?
Greed: (smiles unconvincingly) No!
Winry: Where is he? (Greed gulps)
Greed: (looks around before leaning in close) We went out to blow stuff up and we decided to blow up the Eiffel Tower and when we were about to get caught I ran away.
Al: Why on earth would you want to blow up the Eiffel Tower?
Greed: It made a big explosion and we could make lots of money threatening to do it again to some other place like the Statue of Liberty or the Pyramids of Giza.
Winry: Money!? You were worried about money!? Now Scar's in some jail in France and Roy is sitting here crying because he scratched himself with his sword! How could this day get any worse!?
Aunt Pinako: Winry! We're all out of milk and broccoli! You're going to have to run to the grocery store and get some more!
Scar: What's wrong now? (walks up)
Ed: Where have you been?
Greed: Yeah, how did you get out?
Scar: I got out on a technicality. Something about blowing up the Eiffel Tower after 6:00 p.m. isn't illegal or something along those lines.
Winry: Anyways… (stands up) tomorrow we're going to have to go to the grocery store and get some more milk since we somehow ran out.
Roy: Can I take my sword with me?
Everybody: NO!!
Roy: (cowers away) Sorry, just asking…
Winry: All right! Everybody in bed!
Ed: (pulls out pocket watch) It's 7:00 o' clock! We can't go to bed yet!
Winry: (flames appear in the background) Now!
30 minutes later…
Ed: (throws covers off) I don't wanna go to bed yet! Hey, anybody else still awake? (everybody sits up except Roy who is singing pirate songs in his sleep)
Roy: Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me… (snores)
Scar: Why are you wearing purple pajamas?
Ed: (hugs pajamas) I LOVE PURPLE!!
Scar: Okay…
Greed: Wake up. (pokes Roy in the side)
Roy: (sits up) Here's my wallet, just please don't hurt me! (pulls out an imaginary object and hugs his pillow to his chest)
Al: Wake up Roy.
Scar: What are you doing? (Greed throws off covers)
Greed: Goin' out for a night on the town! (jumps out of bed, pulls on vest, and puts on sunglasses) Come on, let's go!
Al: Where would we go? This is the middle of nowhere. There isn't anything to do.
Greed: Not even a bar or strip club!?
Ed: A pub. Besides we can think of more fun things to do.
Roy: (looks excited and jumps on Ed's bed) Like what?
Ed: (looks nervous and inches away) I don't know…
Greed: (opens window and climbs halfway out) Later losers. (jumps down)
Roy: Wait for me! (jumps out window)
Al: Roy, don't! (large crash)
Winry: (from downstairs) What are you boys doing up there!? You'd better not have broken anything! (starts climbing up the stairs)
Al: Crap! What do we do now? (starts pacing and freaking out)
Ed: Relax, we just have to get them back in here before Winry gets up here and she won't notice anything.
Greed: (from outside) What's this idiot doing out here? He won't stop crying!
Scar: Can you throw him back up here? (pokes head out window)
Greed: Hang on!
Winry: (door bangs open) What are you guys doing up here!? Where is Greed and Roy!? (looks outside) Roy! How did you get down there!? Are you all right!? Greed! Don't you try and hide from me! I can see you!
Greed: Damn it!
Winry: (turns around) What were you thinking letting Roy jump out the window!?
Al: (looks scared as everyone else cowers into a corner) He did it all on his own. Please don't hurt me.
Roy: (walks in the door holding a broken sword) My sword is broken! (starts crying)
Scar: You mean you're not hurt at all? (looks annoyed)
Roy: (continues crying) My sword is broken!
Greed: (walks in) What'd I miss?
Roy: (turns on Greed) MY SWORD IS BROKEN! (starts bawling)
Winry: (goes to comfort Roy) It's okay. When we go to the store tomorrow we'll get you a brand new one.
Roy: I want my old one!
Winry: Why don't you go to bed? You'll feel better in the morning.
Roy: (stops crying and wipes off eyes) Okay, sniff.
Winry: Okay, let's all go back to bed. (Greed starts crawling into bed) But not you!
Greed: (feigns innocence) What?
Winry: You've caused all sorts of trouble today and now you get to sit in the timeout chair!
Greed: (looks scared) No! Not the timeout chair!
Winry: Yes! (grabs Greed by the collar)
Greed: No! (Winry drags Greed out the door) Noooo! Please, god, no! (silence)
Al: (curls up on his bed) Brother, I'm scared.
Ed: (moves close to Al) It's okay. We didn't do anything that bad.
Scar: What do you think happened to him? (Roy whimpers in his sleep)
Ed: I don't know, but I don't want to find out.
15 minutes later…
Al: (Greed walks in and his eyes are opened wide) What happened to you? Are you all right?
Greed: (sits on bed and starts talking in a creepy voice) Will be good.
Ed: What?
Greed: Will be good.
Scar: Greed, are you all right? (Ed walks over and starts snapping his fingers in Greed's face)
Greed: (doesn't blink) Will be good. (climbs into bed)
Al: What has she done to you?
Greed: Timeout chair good for Greed. Greed will be good from now on.
Ed: We must get revenge!
Roy: (talks in his sleep) He was a good sword. He gave his life to save me… (starts snoring)
Scar: (looking at Roy) That was weird.
Ed: Anyways, we must destroy that timeout chair immediately or risk being brainwashed like Greed!
Scar: What? And risk the brainwashing? I'm not that stupid.
Al: I agree with Scar. Let's just go to bed and maybe he'll be better in the morning.
Ed: Fine, just leave Winry to brainwash us with her timeout chair as she pleases! (gets up) I'm going and you can't stop me! (opens the door and sneaks out into the hallway)
Greed: (gets up) Is he gone? I can't believe he fell for it!
Al: You mean you weren't brainwashed?
Greed: Hell no! It was a little boring just sitting there with my nose in the corner but it was worth it if he tries to burn that chair. (smirks and shrugs)
Scar: I'm going to bed before I start getting blamed for all this stuff. (lays back down)
Winry: (screaming downstairs) Edward Elric! What do you think you are doing setting that chair on fire in the house!? What's that smell!? That had better not be gasoline! (large explosion)
Roy: (sits up with his thumb in his mouth) Somebody call the police!
Greed: Oh shut up and go back to bed!
Roy: Okay. (goes back to bed and Greed gives him a weird look)
Ed: (suddenly runs back into the room, locks the door, and shoves a chair under the doorknob. He is completely black) Ha, ha! The timeout chair is no more!
Winry: (through the door) Ed! Open this door immediately! (starts banging on the door)
Ed: (looks at Greed) Hey, when did you get better?
Greed: As soon as you left.
Winry: (smashes wrench through the door) Open this door now!
Ed: You're gonna die Greed! (tackles Greed and starts to strangle him. They roll around on the floor until Al opens the door and Winry separates them. Ed's nose is bleeding and Greed is completely unharmed)
Winry: What were you thinking when you blew up that chair and half the living room!?
Ed: (plugs nose to stop the blood) Well Greed came back all brainwashed and everything and I didn't want to be next so I decided to burn it. (points at Greed) It's all his fault!
Greed: You were stupid enough to believe me. It's not my fault you're so stupid.
Ed: (flares) Die! (jumps on Greed)
Winry: Enough! (pulls Ed off Greed) When we go to the store tomorrow I expect you to be civilized and not embarrass me in any way. Got that?
Ed: Why can't you just leave us at home?
Winry: Because you blew up half the living room, Greed can't be trusted by himself, and Roy is a danger to everyone especially himself. Now go to bed!
Ed: Fine!
Winry: I hope this day ends soon. (walks out of the room rubbing her forehead)
Ed: (from his bed) I hate you Greed.
Greed: Good to know.