Memories
Or the thoughts of a traitress
When you're just hours away from you own death you see every mistake you ever made. Every little mistake or betrayal. And my betrayal wasn't small. No, I have betrayed my siblings. I have denied our bond. I have denied Narnia. Denied, because I thought it as childish and I tried to grow up. I wanted to be adult because I've once been. I've tried so hard to become Queen Susan once more, but I forgot that this had nothing to do with nylon, lipstick and invitations. No, to be adult had something to do with you inner strength and wisdom. And so I denied Narnia even through it was Narnia what I searched.
Never will I forget the look Lucy gave me, when she noticed what I was doing. Her eyes were full of tears and she was so disappointed. Not so Edmund, he was angry. But it was a helpless anger which hurt war more. And Peter. The look of his eyes followed me my whole life. So full of disappointment but knowing. He probably has known it all the time. Known that I would turn my back to Narnia because it was life. But it doesn't matter any more. He is dead and I will be soon. He, Lucy and Edmund died. Died because they wanted to help Narnia, to help Aslan one final time. Or just to get what they deserved. They were so good. Edmund, so just yet so easily to persuade. Peter, magnificent yet so passionate. And Lucy, perhaps the best of us. Lucy was the one which kept us together with her invincible faith and sense of justice yet she was so naive. And I. Even when it not always seemed like it, I belonged to them. I was the logic one. The one which always wanted it to be like it always has been. The doubter. However we belonged together like the four seasons. Or better like the four point of the compass. They were my siblings how couldn't I love them.
And then you pulled them out of life and left me alone. Without siblings. An orphan. Every person whom I ever loved left me on this doomed day. I was alone with a box full of pictures. Pictures which showed us. And I noticed that Narnia was a gift, you have given me the chance to see my siblings grow up because in England I never would have had the chance to see them grooving. Showed my family, happy. Memories on our holidays on the sea came back. Memories of thunderstorm nights in which I climbed into Peter's bed and he comforted me and lulled me into sleep. Memories of chess games with Edmund on rainy Sundays which he won convincingly. Memories of stories which Lucy and I told each other before we went to bed. Memories of Lucy's brilliant eyes, Edmund's triumphant smile, Peter's smile to different to Edmunds. Peter's eyes how they always started to glow when he saw me. Peter's laugh.
Is our life fixed in the moment of birth? I don't believe so. I believe that you create you life around your doings. But I also believe in a power which leads us. There is a god. However this faith I got not early enough. In the weeks after the accident I didn't believed. In the weeks after the accident my senses weren't there. My memories of these weeks are gray and blurry. But what gave me my faith, or was it Lucy's faith, back was a wardrobe. It was an old-fashioned wardrobe which brought back the memories of a hasty escape from Mrs. Macready. The sent of mothballs mixed with the one of fir branches. And then everything was back. Every day in my whole life. Every afternoon I spent in the woods with Lucy, dancing with the fauns. Every hour I spent arguing with Edmund about the war with the giants of the north or just about breakfast. And every minute I spent in Peter's arms. All this the wardrobe brought back. Even now I can still remember everything which happened afterwards. How I stretched out my hand and closed my eyes. Still I can feel the cool wood underneath my hand. I also can still remember what happened after I opened the door. I could feel the warm wind on my face, hear the rustle of the trees and smell the sweet breath of Aslan. But I held my eyes closed because I knew if I would open them the magic would disappear. Even today I hear the voice of Aslan how it whispers "Faith. Susan." And from this moment on I knew I wasn't lost. I wasn't forgotten or banished. With a joy which I haven't felt for a long time I turned around and opened my eyes. No, my part wasn't finished. I still had something to do in this world. And from this decided that I should become a teacher. I wanted to take care that not more girls would make the same mistake as I and lost their faith in god. Because I could still remember Lucy's words. "He's in this world, too. We just have to know him under another name." I've discovered this name and found my faith. My old sceptical Me would take my occurrence on the wardrobe as a dream but Queen Susan believed. Believed without a question. I became a teacher and gave my hope to others. In every girl I saw myself. Saw the confusion which came over them when society suddenly wanted them to grow up even when there still where children in their hearts. Believing in fairytales.
When my colleagues asked me why I've never married I always answered that I have put my life into my faith but this wasn't exactly true. I couldn't because I searched in every men for something which I would never find in England. I searched for the person which I have seen grown up. How he has changed from the clumsy boy into a magnificent men. We have always been very close. Partly because of our age difference. Only one year parted us and with this we formed a strong relationship. Our closeness after we visited Narnia the first time just grew and when we were send back forever we gave us comfort. And partly because us connected far more than anybody could ever understood. I could close my eyes to not see things which I don't want to see but I couldn't close my heart for things which I didn't want to feel. My whole life he has been there for me, cared for me and comforted me. He has protected me. Even when I was an adult and a queen he felt like he had to protect me. Before we went through the wardrobe our natural bound was pure and innocent, yet in Narnia where we where king and queen it transformed into something different. Something that I even now can't describe with words. It was as if the pale, yellow bond which bound us together as siblings transformed into the golden bond of soul mates. My love for him was still pure and innocent but it was radiant as the sun. And as the sun he was for me. Ironically I was crowned by the sun. High king Peter, the magnificent. Something that here in England nobody understood. My love for him was the only thing which I've never given up. I've doubted it, cried because of it but never given up. And this I had to do for him. This I had to do for all of them. I wasn't allowed to give up. Neither to go on like before. So I changed and jet I was alone. Nobody was in the hour of my death in my room. But in my heart I wasn't. When I closed my eyes I could see them all. Edmund, how he gave an advise to Corin. Lucy, how she danced with Mr. Tumnus. And Peter how he reached out his hand for me. And full of hope I give him mine. And with astonishment I see, I feel how the years fall and I'm once again young and full of live. I feel how he wrappers me up in his strong arms and this gave me strength. I fell a crone on my head and the swish of silk on my legs. When I look up into Peter's face I see that he smiles and looks behind me. I notice that when he is here Lucy and Edmund must be there. I turn around and look into the eyes of my younger siblings. Edmund's looks surprisingly happy and Lucy, my little sister Lucy looks beautiful with the sparkling in her eyes. "Susan" I hear my name behind me. As I turn around I see HIM. I lower my head and kneel before him. "Daughter of Eve, stand up. Do you believe?" With deep confidence and filled with a faith I stand up and answer with a strong voice. " I believe" I could feel Peter's hand in mine and my other siblings nect to me. I know that this is an end. But it is also a beginning of something beautiful. I turn around to Peter and see in his eyes forgiving and love.
"Yes, I believe."