Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine and never will be, unless JKR decides to give me an early birthday present…
Beyond the Glory
For the longest time he had wanted an Order of Merlin. He felt that it was deserved - and he had been quite correct in that assessment. After all, if spying on the Dark Lord had to remain a secret, he should have gotten it for apprehending Black.
The Potter brat had ruined those hopes, crushing them with encouragement from the Headmaster. In his more philosophical moments, which usually took place after a glass or two of good alcohol, Severus admitted, if only to himself, that the Headmaster didn't do it for that purpose and that it was terribly self-centered for him to think that.
Ironically, it was that night that pushed himself to reassess his priorities, though it would take much more than a few glasses to get Severus to reveal that! Harry Potter had been at his most annoying that night, a mixture of both parents that pained Severus. Oh, his recklessness had been pure James, but the indignation the brat had felt for an innocent (only applying to Black in the loosest sense, of course) was pure Lily. He had looked beyond his hatred for the first time and had seen Lily in the boy. (Soon the hatred would reappear, and he would have to strike a balance. Hate Potter even more, save his life and protect the ungrateful brat's soul.)
Lily. His precious, angelic Lily had been present in Potter that night. It galled him to realize this, but also served to focus him. Something had clicked that night and he truly saw for the first time: Potter needed to be protected for Lily's sake. Alone, he renewed his vow to do so.
The night in the Shrieking Shack had served to make him realize that Lily lived on in Potter just as much as Potter Sr. did. It enraged him that Lily would forever be mixed with Potter. That didn't matter. The Order of Merlin didn't matter. He was doing this for Lily, to absolve himself and avenge her death.
As the war began again, he began to think more about the past and his duty. He used the past to hide, his love of Lily to affirm his resolve as he apparated once more to his Lord and Master. He used any and all of his memories of Lily to strengthen his Occlumency walls when they neared the point of collapse, brought on by too many crucios. He clung to Lily like a drowning man would cling to a piece of driftwood. He prayed to Lily like a religious man would sanctify the Virgin.
It wasn't healthy, he knew. But when it all got too much, which seemed to happen more frequently, ever since he had killed...murdered...the Headmaster...Albus, he would remember her and vow once again to see his task to the end, even without an Order of Merlin waiting for him.
When it came down to it, there was no glory to this work. His work. It was an amalgam of pure motives and selfish desires. Where he had once looked for glory, he now saw a painful death and an unmarked grave. He had a duty to see through and all the glory in the world couldn't help him.
Perhaps another glass of scotch and a pensieve full of memories could.
A/N: I am not suggesting that problems can be solved by drinking and living in the past, just trying to portray Snape's state of mind at the time.
On a much happier note, thank you very much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this!