Tuesday 20th September 1999 10.30pm
Dear Diary,
Do you ever get the urge to just write something? I do. Often. It's as though my whole body and mind are full to bursting and whatever I'm full of needs somewhere to go. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I sit down with my notepad and a pen and I end up writing the most bizarre things; lists, poems, stories - none of them particularly good - but also streams of consciousness. Those are the most satisfying. When I write what's in my head, I can feel myself shrinking back to my normal size as the excess thoughts and feelings are siphoned off. Sometimes I look back at what I've written and I'm embarrassed or sad, but often it helps me to realise things about myself that I never knew before. I suppose that's helpful.
At the moment the excess feelings that need siphoning are mostly to do with the thought of moving out. I'm about to leave my childhood home to take care of myself for the first time. Everyone expects me to worry about missing home or making friends, but my main concern is what will happen if I'm unable to eat. Eating is something I've struggled with on and off for nearly 5 years. What's so difficult? You may ask. Well, that's a rather complicated question to answer to be perfectly honest. Eating disorders are complicated by nature; that's why they're such a bitch to recover from. But I'm mostly there now. Mostly. In the last few days I think I've been eating less, though it's difficult to tell. I've never been one of those people who counts every calorie and plans every meal, I work by appetite and hunger. Recently I've been more and less hungry at the same time. Does that make sense? I should try to make more sense. How about this; I've felt the effects of not eating enough, but I've also lost the urge to eat more. I wish I could work out why.
Anyway, I'll be okay. I'll build myself back up no problem. I don't think I've lost any weight. This is turning into one of those streams of consciousness things and I didn't want it to. I wanted it to be more like a diary; more like speaking to someone. A lot of my streams of consciousness end up being about food and it makes me sad. Even when I'm eating well, it's always on my mind and however much I try to focus on other things, I always return to thinking about my disorder. Take right now for instance; I'm supposed to be writing about moving out in two day's time and all I can talk about is how I'm still thinking inexplicably about food. For goodness sake Sherlock!
There are many things that I wish I could change about myself. I've never been someone who fits into social situations very easily, and I'm bored by my own thoughts sometimes. My mind seems to race constantly, but instead of thinking anything useful I find myself obsessing over the style of someone's hair, or food, or the way a person is walking, or food. That's something I think no-one realises about minds like mine. Obsession can become desperately dull. Perhaps moving away from home will give me the breathing space to act differently. Perhaps. I know it's foolish to try to run away from a problem, especially when the problem is inside you. We shall see.
Sherlock Holmes
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