PLEASE READ:
This is Fang's POV of when Max cuts herself in SOF (chapters 101-104). I know it's been done before, but here is my take on it.
EDIT: This is the second time I've uploaded this, because last time I tagged on more of Fang's POV for other parts of the series under request. I won't do it again, because I'm a bad updater, and I prefer to leave a one-shot as it is than have a story discontinued and hanging, which I know that I won't update. Please understand.
Disclaimer: I do not own this. I only own the thoughts behind the face.
The wind ruffled my feathers as we soared over the land. Really, there was nothing compared to flying. I don't think that I could give it up for anything in the world.
Well, except for Max. But that's a whole different story.
She was flying beside me, on the way to the beach that the rest of the flock had convinced her to go to. Only, I had a sneaking suspicion that it was slightly more than that. And, glancing up at her, I noticed something glistening in her eyes.
"Yo," I called over the wind, flying nearer. Max had been suffering headaches for the last few months, mostly Voice induced, and the first few times it had been so painful to her that she couldn't even move. Believe me, for something to do that to Max, it had to be really bad.
She looked over at me. "You okay? Is this a headache?" I asked her, concerned. Her lips pressed together for a moment and she gave a slight nod. I could tell that something was definitely wrong.
"Yeah," she said, wiping her eyes. "A huge, freaking, unbearable headache!" By the end she was shouting. The flock turned around to look at her startled. She never let loose this sort of emotion, being our tough-as-nails leader. So this was the equivalent of a scream-fest. Inwardly, I flinched, wondering what had gotten on her nerves so bad. Was it me?
"See you at the beach," she muttered, before taking off with her sonic-speed power, leaving us frowning at her quickly receding back. What was wrong? Almost unconsciously, I began to pick up my pace after her. The flock followed in suit, and I glanced over at Iggy asking Angel something.
"I don't know," was her reply. "I wasn't listening in at the time. But she is really upset." Her brow furrowed, an unusually serious expression for someone so young. She'd been through a lot though. We all had.
I tuned out the Nudge channel. As we drew closer, my worry began to increase, only the sight of Max on the beach still a few minutes away taking it down a bit. She was walking, and even from this distance I could see how aggravated she was. Suddenly, she kicked a piece of driftwood so hard that it flew a couple hundred metres down the beach. In fact, it should have been splinters from that hit.
"Wow! Did you see that? Anger management much! I wonder what's wrong?" Nudge babbled on. I focused on Max, watching her stalk over to the shoreline and kneel down. Angel gave a horrified gasp, and I had no time to wonder what was going on before I saw the first sign of red.
At first my mind wouldn't comprehend it – it was like a block had been forced inside my head. But as the red grew bigger, a flood of signals came in. I was hit with shock, fear and horror – in that order – and the realisation that Max was cutting herself. From the looks of it, she was hitting a vital area in her arm. What was she doing? Was she trying to kill herself?
I hit the sand running, barely registering the sound of the flock landing around me. My only thought was Stop Max!
"What the hell are you doing?" I shouted, grabbing her wrist and hitting her hand so she would drop the jagged piece of shell she was using to lacerate her arm. She glared at me, but I didn't care. Something was wrong. This couldn't be Max. The real Max would not try to commit suicide. "Are you crazy?"
Too much blood, too much blood. It was soaking the sand around her, turning it a rich crimson colour. The shell hadn't been clean; I would need to clean the wound before wrapping it up. Why was she doing this to us?
"Want the chip out." Max's voice was small, vulnerable. I was beyond caring. I was scared and sick, and I was angry at her for making me feel this way. She wanted the chip out? She wanted the chip out? Did she even know that she would bleed to death if she cut there?
"Look where you're cutting! You're going to bleed to death, you idiot!" I snapped, ripping open my backpack and fishing around for the antiseptic. I poured it mercilessly onto her wound, making her wince.
Nudge, eyes wide with horror, placed her hand gingerly on Max's shoulder just as I began to bandage her arm, as if she might run away. "Max, what were you doing?"
"I wanted to get the chip out," was her whispered answer.
"Well, forget it!" I yelled. Why was she ranting about the chip? The chip was insignificant. What really mattered was that she could have killed herself. Did she think that she would get some release, some freedom from death? What about me, and the flock? We couldn't live without her. "The chip stays in. You don't get off that easy! You die when we die!"
Max looked up at me, her face open. She gazed at my expression for a moment, before she had to look down.
"I'm sorry," she choked out, before bursting into tears.
And, just like that, my anger melted. Max was the perfect image of a leader – strong, determined, in control, beautiful…when she was around, you knew that nothing would hurt you and that she would take care of everything. Sometimes it made you forget that she was only a kid, not even that much older than I was. She had a huge load upon her shoulders and she dealt with it better than anyone else could, and though she was breaking down now, I knew that it was only the smallest crack in her armour.
Slowly, carefully, I put my arm around her and drew her into my shoulder. She drew in her wings and leaned in, still sobbing. The flock was shaken, badly – they knew it was very bad when Max was crying – but they still tried to comfort her. Gazzy rubbed her back while Angel patted her leg, and Iggy, total and Nudge were there somewhere too. "It's okay, Max. Everything's okay." Iggy's voice was shaky. She made a small nodding motion into my shoulder, though I wasn't sure she was totally convinced.
After a while, Max's tears receded. She pulled away from me gently, and I was hit with a sudden pang of loss. I wanted her to stay in my arms forever.
Whoa, where did that come from?
She looked slightly embarrassed. Damn her and her pride. I dimly noticed that my shirt was soaking wet but ignored it as I waited for her to speak.
"Sorry, guys," she said, her voice still hoarse from crying.
Gazzy looked a bit frightened. "We didn't have to go to the beach, Max."
Max laughed, and it was the saddest sound on the planet. She ruffled his hair tiredly. "It wasn't that, Gazzy. Just other stuff, getting to me."
"Like what?" Iggy asked.
"Stuff," she sighed, rubbing her eyes and scrubbing at her cheeks. "The Voice in my head. Everyone chasing us. School. Anne. Ari. Jeb. They keep telling me I'm supposed to save the world, but how, and from what, I don't even know."
I felt that this was a refined version. I would have to ask her again later.
It was then that Angel decided to drop her pearl of freaky mind-reading-girl wisdom.
"From, you know, after everything gets blown up and most of the people are gone. We'll be stronger, and able to fly, so we can leave the blown-up partsand find some nice land that isn't blown up or contan – contama – "
Iggy stepped in here. "Contaminated?"
"Yeah, that. Then we can keep on living, even if there are hardly any people left."
An awkward silence permeated the immediate area.
"Uh…where did you hear that, sweetie?" asked Max. It was good to see her start to revert to her true form.
Angel doodled in the sand. "At the school. I wasn't supposed to hear it, but that's what they thought."
"Who's going to blow up the world?"
This earned a shrug from Angel. "Lots of people can – they have big bombs. Countries and stuff. But the people at the School kept thinking it would be just one company, a business company. They think it's going to blow up the world, mostly. Maybe even by accident."
Well, call me crazy, but I found it hard to believe that you could just blow up the world on accident.
"What company was that?" asked Max, sounding mildly curious. Seriously, she should be on Broadway for her acting skills.
"Don't remember," Angel said, frowning. "Like, the name of a deer or something. A gazelle. Can I go swim?"
"Uh, sure," said Max, somewhat faintly.
Soon there was only Max and I left sitting in the still red sand. It bothered me, but I tried to ignore it.
"So, huh?"
I shook my head, packing the remaining bandages into the bag. Unbidden, my eyes found Max's arm. In my haste and anger I hadn't tied the bandages properly, and I'd have to re-do them. Oh well. That would have to wait for later. "Yeah. Surprise."
"How long has she been sitting on this? Why hasn't it come up before?"
"Because she's six and more concerned with her stuffed bear and dog?" I replied, though I was secretly wondering the same thing. "I don't know. Plus, we don't even know If she understood what she heard. There's a chance she got it wrong."
"Even if aspects of it are wrong, I don't see how she could misunderstand the whole blowing-up-the-world concept." She had a point there. "And the fact that we were designed to outlast catastrophe. It fits in with what Jeb keeps telling me."
Ugh. Why did she have to bring up that two-faced son of a bitch? He didn't even deserve a place in her life, that squirming maggot. I exhaled loudly to calm down. "So what now?"
"I don't know. I need to think."
I stayed quiet as she lay down on the sand, savouring her arm. I worked up the courage to speak.
"So what was that about?"
She looked like she wanted to pretend she had no clue what I meant, but she knew that I knew she did. "I'm just – really tired. The Voice was ragging on me about my destiny and how I have to get on the stick about saving the world. It just feels like too much sometimes. I've been running on adrenaline, without a master plan. Every day it's just, keep the flock safe, keep us together. But now everything else has been dumped on me, all these bits and pieces that aren't adding up to a whole picture, and it's too much."
Whoa. Just whoa. Max the invincible, Max the tough, had just admitted to questioning if she could handle it all. This was something that she would never ever admit to the flock. Something inside smiled at the thought that she was telling me.
"Pieces like Ari and Jeb and Anne and the Voice?"
"Yeah. Everything. Everything that's happened to us since we left home. I don't know what to do, and it's so freaking hard pretending that I do."
"Walk away from it. Let's find an island. Drop off the screen." The words left my mouth before I could stop them. And why not? Max needed to relax, and we could all use a holiday. I looked into her face, searching for an answer.
"That sounds really good," But? "But we'd have to get the other's on board. I'm pretty sure the younger kids still really want to find their parents. And now I want to find out what this company is that Angel heard about. What if – you do research on a island possibility and I'll focus on this other stuff?"
I knew that this was a great movement in sharing leadership for Max, and it meant a lot to me. "Yeah, cool." Was that the best I could do?
We watched the smaller kids muck around or a while, enjoying the peace. I cherished Max's presence. She broke the quiet first.
"Sorry. About before."
I glanced sideways at her, in typical Fang manner. I knew this was all that was expected of me. But this time, this time was different. She had really scared me. And she deserved more.
"You almost gave me a heart attack," I said quietly, looking out at the ocean because I couldn't stand to look at her. "When I saw you, all that blood…" The memories, fresh in my mind, slapped me. I threw a rock down the beach with all my strength.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't do it again."
"I won't."
Something changed, something imperceptible. But I felt it, and I knew that Max did too.
I was still trying to work out what it was when Angel yelled to us from the water.