Hermione goes back in time and falls in love
Foreword
I am greatly envious of the marvellous skills of Hermione/Severus shippers, and indeed Hermione/Remus shippers out there. Check out, for instance, Serpentina's 'A little of your time' or Joyce Renee's 'Moments in Time'… In my envy, and my amusement at the sheer number of fics which might as well be entitled the above, I have constructed my own fic under this plot! As you will see, it is a master of plotting and truly romantic. Or it could, in fact, be a pile of pants. I hope the sheer ridiculousness gives you a giggle.
It is dedicated to…
Rugi and Gwena of 'Tough Guide to Harry Potter' fame, for their exposing account of fanfiction cliché.
Ariana Deralte who writes such funny parodies. You may be amused to read my fic Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies Chapter 11 and then read 'The Penitent Man' by Ariana Deralte.
All my darling reviewers, even if they decide not to review this little (pah!) fic. You people have truly brightened my day, my week and even my month on many occasions.
And 'The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliché Catalogue', by Clam Chowder. Says it like I never could. Enjoy the fic folks…
*Theme music plays*
Hermione goes back in time and falls in love!
It was an ordinary day at Hogwarts, and Professor Snape was prowling the corridors feeling full of angst. So no change there then. He was wondering why things had turned out so badly, why-oh-why had he joined the Death Eaters when he could have got a nice girlfriend and settled down?
In one likely looking corridor he saw one Hermione Granger, that insufferable know-it-all who looked strangely like one of the girls he had gone to school with, ie., the one that wasn't Lily Evans. She was so irritating. At this time of the afternoon he really needed his small victories, and went to give her a shove and take some points away.
He shoved a little too hard. Hermione Granger fell right down the stairs, and at the bottom she vanished into midair.
"Dammit," cursed Snape. "A wormhole I didn't know about. I'd better go tell Albus."
*
Hermione Granger was just minding her own business when Professor Snape shoved her down the stairs. Instinctively, the karate training she'd had when she was a small child kicked in, and she fell into a perfect roll, somersault after somersault.
Which would have been fine, except that she had been on her way to model for the 'Time-turner Girls of the Year' show and in the absence of a decent hour-turner, had had to borrow a year-turner from a boy called Tempus Fugit. It had started to spin.
*
She woke up in Professor Dumbledore's office, and staggered to her feet.
He hadn't appeared to notice her. He was immersed in a 1973 edition of Men and Broomsticks magazine.
"Um, Professor?"
He jumped, and dropped the magazine. "Who are you?"
"Er… Hermione Granger. Professor Snape shoved me down some stairs and somehow I ended up here."
"Sounds like a plot loophole. Erm – Professor Snape? Any relation to Severus Snape?"
"Er – he is Severus Snape."
Dumbledore frowned. And then he saw the Time-turner.
"Ah, I see, you're from the future. Some dark and dreary future where some idiot gives Severus Snape a job as a teacher. Who was it, incidentally?"
"Gave Professor Snape a job? Um – you, Professor Dumbledore."
Dumbledore's face fell. "Looks like senile dementia really does run in my family. Oh well. Severus is now in the fifth year."
Hermione thought about this. "What about the Marauders?" she asked eventually.
"Who?"
"James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black…?"
"Oh is that what they call themselves? Minerva's been tracing various acts of vandalism committed around school to a group called the Marauders. She'll be so glad to find out who they are…"
Hermione chuckled nervously.
"But to answer your question, Miss Granger, they are also in the fifth year."
Hermione was disappointed. She was now in her seventh year, and really hoped that she'd be sharing classes with Harry's parents.
"I don't suppose you could cryogenically preserve me?"
Dumbledore stared at her blankly.
"What?"
"For a couple of years, and then wake me up. You see I'm seventeen and I really want to share classes with the Marauders."
"Actually we could just freeze you until you return to your time…"
Hermione had to think fast. For some reason, it was imperative that she was in the same class as Harry's parents.
"Er… I read in a book that it's really not safe to freeze people for that long. But a couple of years is fine."
The younger Dumbledore was much more naïve than the older one, she noted. Apparently twenty-something years made a difference even when you were over a hundred.
"Right…" Dumbledore mumbled.
*
Two years later, Hermione awoke. "Congratulations Miss Granger," Professor McGonagall said. "You're in the same form as the Marauders. Although they've never been quite the same since I got my revenge for that hair-dying incident."
Hermione was delighted. Using a clever pseudonym – Harmony McGranger – she waltzed along to the Gryffindor Common Room with Professor McGonagall.
Suddenly she noticed something.
"It's so quiet. Too quiet," she murmured.
"Same as normal," Professor McGonagall said cheerily. "I should imagine our seven students are elsewhere."
"Seven? What about the others?"
"What others?" McGonagall asked blankly. "We only have seven students. James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, and Lucius Malfoy."
"That's only six."
"Oh yes, and Peter Pettigrew as well. But he's very quiet."
"Where is everyone else?" Hermione murmured. "Like um – Rosier, Wilkes, Avery, Davy Gudgeon?"
McGonagall mused. "Oh yes, we invented them in a parlour game over Christmas to keep ourselves amused. It can be so dull around here – Professors Sprout and Flitwick have gone into hibernation since they have no-one in their houses, we have no Potions or Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, or indeed an Astronomy teacher. Only Lily Evans takes Arithmancy, everyone skives History of Magic, and I'm much too busy to teach. So you'll have plenty of spare time."
Hermione felt horrified. Nothing to learn? What could she do with her spare time?
"Maybe I'll get a boyfriend," she thought.
*
As soon as she entered the Gryffindor Common Room, she was flattened by a pile of red hair.
"Another girl," wept a stricken voice, buried in her shoulder. "You've no idea how glad I am to see you."
Hermione looked up to see someone who was obviously Harry's mother, Lily Evans.
"Er, hi. I'm Her – Harmony McGranger."
"Hi, I'm Lily."
"I know – er, I mean, pleased to meet you."
"Not as pleased as I am to meet you! Meet the boys. They used to be great pranksters until a couple of years ago, when McGonagall found out that everything that went wrong was due to them. Now they don't do much."
Hermione laughed a little shrilly. She glanced over at the sofas, where four boys sat looking lethargic.
"The one with the glasses is James," Lily explained. "He spends a lot of his time staring into space, doing knitting and embroidery. He's my boyfriend but most of the time I'll hang around with you, if that's all right. Besides, I've got tons of love advice, I ought to have, living with five boys at this school!"
"Six," Peter mumbled.
"And this is Remus, and Sirius."
Remus and Sirius immediately awakened from their trance and leapt up to greet Hermione.
"Hi, I'm Remus, and I know lots of interesting things about Defence!"
"Hey, that's nothing," Sirius protested. "I can make soufflé!"
Hermione could practically smell the hormones coming off of them. They obviously both fancied her. How weird, they were both twice her age in her time.
Well, no need to worry about that now, she told herself. Afterall, they're my age at the moment, and that's what counts. Strangely enough, after that it didn't bother her at all.
Remus and Sirius sat Hermione down and started regaling her with Quidditch stories. They were looking forward to the cup this year, Gryffindor had already won for six years running.
"Is it because there are only two members on the opposing team?" Hermione asked curiously.
"Don't be ridiculous," Sirius snapped. "Snape can't fly."
"Er, if I could, perhaps…" Peter mumbled.
Remus raised his voice. "But Lucius does play the whole team pretty well, considering."
Peter fumed and ran off to write an application to become an evil henchman, and so disappeared for the rest of the fic.
*
The other five students of Gryffindor sat down to dinner and Hermione chatted to Lily.
"So," Hermione said. "Does You-Know-Who give you much trouble here at Hogwarts?"
"Who?" Lily asked.
"Er – Voldemort."
"Oh him. No, all he does is write the occasional strongly worded letter to the Minister of Magic saying he doesn't like how things are done. Why would he affect us?"
"So – no attacks then?"
"No, why?"
"Er… no reason. Get much homework?"
"I only go to one lesson, and that's self-taught."
"Do you often get caught up in the Marauders' pranks?"
"They don't prank anymore," Lily said. She didn't look too downcast. "It's not fair, I was going to join them, became an animagus and everything, but they didn't like the sound of 'Moony, Goldie, Padfoot and Prongs'."
"You forgot Wormtail."
"Oh yes, who was Wormtail?" Lily looked confused.
"Peter."
"Peter who?"
"Peter Pettigrew."
"Oh… him."
Hermione was curious. "What was your animagus form?"
"A goldfish."
"Then surely you couldn't…?"
Lily became angry. "Yeah, sure I nearly suffocated the first time I tried it. Sure I panicked and almost forgot to turn back. Sure, I know I needed to be carried around in a bowl of water but tell me one reason why I couldn't have been a Marauder!"
Hermione was a little taken aback.
"Er… Yes, it really is unfair isn't it? Now tell me… Is there anything to do at all around here?"
"Don't think so."
"No secret plots?"
"No."
"No really involved projects?"
"None of them, no."
"So I've got nothing to do for the entire year?"
"Well…" Lily thought for a while. "You could fall in love."
Hermione nodded. Yes, that sounded like a good idea.
*
In fact, it was a timely idea, because Professor Dumbledore made an announcement over breakfast the next day.
"This year," he said, "Due to the intake of fourteen point three percent more students, we are going to be holding a Yule Ball! It will be a marvellous event, totally unmissable. You will all need dates or you won't be allowed to come."
The students of Hogwarts looked at each other in dismay. They were each wondering who they would go to the Yule Ball with. Except for Lily, who was in dismay because James always trod on her toes when they danced.
After breakfast, Hermione was on her way to the library when she bumped into Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape. Snape, for some reason, looked exactly the same as he did as an adult. She'd thought the unkempt and unhealthy appearance was due to some internal guilt.
"Ah, you must be the new mudblood scum," said Lucius Malfoy, who for some reason appeared to be a carbon-copy of his son Draco.
Snape attempted a snigger. "Yeah – er Mudblood scum, right."
"What's your name? Molly Muggleborn?"
"Harmony McGranger," Hermione spat at him. She suddenly wondered how he'd discovered that she was a Muggleborn, and then thought it best not to ask.
"Aw, Harmony, very cute, is that a Muggle name?"
Snape was continuing his parrot act.
"Yeah, stupid Muggle name," he said, his eyes with some kind of glazed over expression.
Hermione couldn't take it any longer. She pushed through them and burst into tears.
*
Remus and Sirius were both very mad at Lucius's cruel remarks. Remus got mad in a very gentle, quiet way, that was so endearing, and Sirius got mad in a passionate way that was very moving.
Hermione had to confess, she had feelings for both of them.
Lily, of course, was delighted. She set about writing up the pros and cons of each boy whilst James started knitting Hermione a cardigan for the cold winters at Hogwarts, seeing as it was taken as read that everyone would be staying there for Christmas. No one ever went home over Christmas, Hermione wondered if any of them had family at all. Well, Lily occasionally went on about her sister's annoying boyfriend, Vernon.
*
Hermione couldn't take Lily's jabbering anymore. She went down to the library for some peace and quiet. In fact, she even took her duvet and some pillows in case she wanted to sleep there.
She was busy snoozing in the Ancient Runes section when she was disturbed by someone walking around.
"I know Lucius won't accept me if I don't join him, and I won't even feel like a proper Slytherin if I don't join him, but I can't. I don't like writing strongly worded letters! Plus I have a really strong feeling that he's going to turn bad…"
Hermione looked up, and saw the young Severus Snape.
"Severus?" she said. It was odd how easily she slipped into using his first name.
"McGranger! What are you doing here?"
"Who were you talking to?"
"N-no one," Severus stammered. He was obviously embarrassed. He looked rather cute, being so young and so vulnerable.
"What are you doing here?" He persisted, but his voice was merely curious this time.
"I came down to do some reading… and also sleep, Lily was annoying me. What are you doing here?"
Severus blushed. "Er – sort of the same thing, actually, Lucius can get a bit annoying."
He was so shy. Not at all what she had expected. In fact, he didn't seem to have picked up any of his trademark sarcasm. He'd just been reading… it looked like they had something in common.
"What were you reading?" Hermione asked.
"Oh, er – you'll think I'm really sad."
"What?"
"It's – well it's really interesting actually, I read it before I came to Hogwarts, and it – it always makes me feel better when I'm feeling troubled…"
"What? Is it Winnie-the-Pooh? The Famous Five?"
"No. Hogwarts: A History."
Hermione only very narrowly resisted the urge to throw herself into his arms and start snogging him. She'd completely forgotten that he was her sarcastic Potions Master and saw only the boy – intellectual and sensitive.
"Really?" she breathed. "That's my favourite book!"
Severus's midnight eyes focused on hers, and she felt like she was melting.
"Is it?"
He leaned towards her, until their lips almost touched.
She closed her eyes in anticipation.
"Just as I thought," Severus murmured. "You've got a little mark on your forehead. Probably where you fell asleep on that book. Here, let me rub it off."
Hermione sighed. She'd so wanted to kiss him…
*
The next day, McGonagall announced that she had been able to recruit a Potions teacher. The seven Hogwarts students went off to Potions. On the way there, James suddenly realised that he'd dropped several stitches in his knitting and he ran back to the Common Room to get his magical knitting repair kit.
Hermione walked into the Potions classroom to receive the shock of her life.
"You!"
"Yes, me," said the Potions teacher. "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin Third Class and three times winner of the Witch Weekly 'Most Charming Smile Award'. No doubt you're all thrilled to meet me!"
Lockhart suddenly realised that the class only had two girls, and one of them was giving him an evil look. His smile faded a little.
"Today we will be making chocolate fondue. My own personal recipe, and if I do say so myself, a wonderful pick-me-up after long signing tours and practically a cure for depression!"
Hermione gently banged her head on the desk, wondering why on earth she had ever had a crush on him.
"Ooh, Harmony," Lily cooed. "Gilderoy Lockhart! We're so lucky!"
"We're making chocolate fondue," Hermione said grimly. "I thought we might actually make something useful."
"And just to make it fun, you will work in boy/girl pairs," Lockhart announced, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that there were only two girls to four boys. Perhaps he had thought Lucius Malfoy was a girl… After all, that long blond hair was practically Baywatch.
Lily turned to Remus and Sirius, to discovere that they were both on their knees begging Hermione to be their partner. And James was still nowhere in sight.
She was just about to reluctantly ask Snape when she realised that Snape was staring at Hermione and drooling.
Lucius had produced a cardboard cutout of a scantily clad woman and already started work.
Lily sighed. It looked like she wasn't popular anymore.
*
Eventually, James had returned wth his knitting, produced a sweet little cauldron cosy, and Lily was happier. Lockhart had intervened and decided, for having the audacity not to fancy him, that Hermione should go with the greasiest boy in the class, which meant she got to go with Severus.
It suited her fine. For one thing, Severus was the only boy in the class who preferred dark chocolate.
And it had actually been quite romantic until Severus had spilled fondue all down his front and Hermione burnt her marshmallow.
*
"You must know I have feelings for you," Remus said. "You must realise the nights I've spent longing for you…"
"Remus, stop talking to your food," Sirius snapped. Remus sighed and cut up his steak.
"So… Harmony…" Sirius gave Hermione a grin.
"Who are you going to the Yule Ball with?"
"Erm… I'm not sure yet…"
But she already knew she was going with Severus.
"I – er – maybe I'll just go and be a date with the first person who turns up…"
Sirius's mouth widened into a smile.
Remus's jaw dropped open.
"Does anyone want to go with me?" Lily mumbled forlornly.
It was five minutes before James thought to look up from his knitting.
*
Hermione woke up the morning of the Yule Ball to find the Common Room all but deserted.
"Merry Christmas Lily," she said to her new friend. "But where are the boys?"
"Well, the last time I saw Sirius and Remus they were camping outside the Great Hall in their dress robes. I don't know where James is."
Hermione groaned. Oh well. After breakfast, Hermione and Lily spent lots of time doing girly stuff that the author finds much too boring to talk about. Painting nails and putting on make-up and robes and things.
Hermione had arranged to secretly meet Severus in the Library. Lily knew all about it of course, but she was after all Hermione's Best Friend, supportive and not at all jealous of all the attention her pal was getting.
"Go on then. Go and have a lovely time with Mr. Sexy Slytherin of the Year and making Sirius and Remus jealous. Have fun. I'm sure I'll be having a lovely time with Woolboy, as he treads on my toes and tells me all about cardigans! I'll be right behind you, sharing all the joy of having three boys after you. Of course I wouldn't want to have three boys after me, I love my boyfriend who gives me a scarf every bloody Christmas!"
Hermione smiled as she left. Lily was such a good friend.
*
Severus's hair was so soft and silky, and not greasy at all. Hermione felt she could drown in his eyes, his midnight eyes. Hand in hand they walked to the Ball as if it was all a beautiful dream.
Hermione was rudely awakened by the sight of Sirius and Remus frying frankfurters on a small camping cooker, dressed in their best robes. Sirius's robe had grease on it.
"Harmony!" Remus leapt up and extended his hand.
"I was here first!" Sirius shouted. He pulled Remus back and barged forward.
And saw Severus.
Hermione drew herself up. "I'm going to the ball with Severus!" She pronounced, and they both went into the hall, where Lucius Malfoy was dancing with his cardboard cut-out. They stared at him.
"What?" Lucius asked. "Narcissa couldn't come, okay? She goes to Medusa's School For Gifted Witches, doesn't she?"
They danced. Little did they know that Sirius Black was staring at them with murderous eyes.
"I'll get you for this, Snape."
Remus felt over his face.
"Hey, Siri, do you think it's weird that my beard's growing back this quickly after being shaved off?"
Sirius looked at him. "Yes, especially weird seeing as it's growing on your forehead…"
*
Lily was trying to look interested as Hermione told her all about Severus. Just as Hermione had got onto Severus's childhood dreams and his favourite shade of green, Sirius entered.
His dress robe really did look the worse for wear.
"Enjoy your date with Sevvie?" Sirius asked, and then sniggered evilly.
Hermione looked up, suddenly alarmed. "What did you do?"
"Oh – er – nothing…"
"You showed him how to get into the Whomping Willow, didn't you?"
Sirius was taken aback. "How did you know?"
"He'll be killed… I have to go save him…"
James ripped off his robe to reveal a bright red woollen jumper with a large gold W on the front.
"Never fear… Woolman is here!"
He leapt out of the window, mercifully taking a broomstick with him.
They watched him fly away.
"I really think that his knitting went downhill after the Invisibility Cloak," Lily murmured.
*
Several hours later, Hermione and Lily went to see James and Severus being examined by Madam Pomfrey.
"No cuts or bites – you two are lucky to be alive."
Something was a bit wrong here, wasn't it?
"I thought the incident with the Whomping Willow happened in the fifth year."
"Actually," Lily commented, "Didn't you say something about this in the sixth year, James?"
"Although maybe," Hermione said, talking to herself more than anyone, "Maybe it happened before they became animagi, in the fourth year."
Severus, chewing on some chocolate for shock, groaned. "I can't believe I fell for the wolf trick, again."
"Fourth time running," James chuckled.
"Doesn't he know it's Re…" Hermione trailed off as Lily muffled her.
*
Several long and lovely months for Hermione followed, as she had now decided that she was in love with Severus and content on living with him forever, despite the fact that for Hermione living in the past was an administrative nightmare.
One night she was telling him about when Lockhart taught her Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Severus suddenly interrupted her. "Wait a moment, Lockhart's never taught Defence Against the Dark Arts. Especially not at the time you're talking about. He was off in Macedonia, exorcising ghouls…"
Hermione was staring at him.
"What? I've read… a couple of his books…"
Hermione fell about laughing. "You're in for a nasty shock."
"But seriously… Hey, wait a moment, what year were you born in?"
Oh no. Think, Hermione. It must be 1975 because Dumbledore had been reading a 1973 magazine two years ago…
"1958," she said eventually, full of triumph.
"That would make you twenty."
Damn. Curses, Dumbledore was reading an old magazine. She had no choice, but to tell him everything.
"Insufferable know-it-all? Haha, that's really good, why didn't I think of that earlier?"
*
One day, she woke up to find herself in a hospital bed, surrounded by – Harry and Ron?
"How did I get here?" she said hoarsely.
"You fell into a plot loophole. You're back in the present."
"B-but… Severus…" Her love had transformed into the sarcastic Potions Master. And her Marauder friends were gone.
She loved Severus. But he was old enough to be her father. What could she do?
"Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione asked the sage wizard.
"Yes, Hermione?"
"Could you cryogenically freeze Severus for twenty years, so I could catch up?"
And seeing as none of these fics have ever ended anyway, Dumbledore agreed to her ridiculous plan, and twenty years later, after much pining and longing by both Hermione and Severus, they were finally reunited in some really sweet and romantic way involving lots of kissing, which this little humour writer is really rubbish at writing. Go and read a real fic, you silly reader.
THE END. An Indigo Ziona Production.