Cat's apartment was cleaner than the last time Alec had been inside.
Instead of a mess of potions, work books,spell books, toys, ingredients, and whatever else being thrown all around like some sort of tornado had blown through, the apartment was in order… except for some toys. Alec smiled, moving Madzie's plastic dollhouse out of the way so he could step into the kitchen. He wondered if she played while Cat made dinner, or if she just liked the kitchen best for some reason.
"How's Magnus holding together?" Cat asked, looking up from the tea she was making for them.
He wondered just how much he could tell her. Alec had never seen anyone cry so hard in his life and he had never been so heartbroken, so terrified, and so worried. They had spent the past two nights just laying with each other on the couch listening to Glenn Miller and his Orchestra just thinking of easier, simpler times. Thinking about it made his whole chest tighten and his heart ache.
He forced himself to give a small, obviously fake smile. He wasn't trying to fool Cat, it was to fool himself. "He's…" Alec couldn't even find a word to add in, he ran his fingers nervously over the countertop. Magnus was not fine, it wasn't something he could lie about, not to Cat, not when she had known Magnus for so long.
Cat looked as heartbroken as he felt. "A mess?" She supplied, looking up from the tea as she poured it into the two dark blue mugs. Cat handed Alec a mug of tea and conjured her little sugar bowl in front of him, silently offering him some.
Alec added a small spoonful to his tea and gently swirled it around in the mug. "Thanks."
She smiled a little with a bit of a nod and motioned for Alec to join her in the living room. He did, cautiously stepping over a few stuffed animals and a blanket to get there. He sat down on the couch and Cat took the recliner beside him, sinking into it and sipping her own tea.
"I'm sorry for the mess, but I'm sure you're aware this is as clean as this place gets." She smiled a little, moving a stuffed monkey out of the walkway with her toes, although they had already sat down. "Madzie is getting a little more acquainted with her magic, so she keeps summoning things from her toy box."
He smiled a little. The dollhouse in the kitchen made a lot more sense now.
They enjoyed their tea in silence for a few more minutes. It was only a matter of time until one of them broke the silence and reminded the other why they were here. Alec was sure that Cat knew why he was here. He knew she knew more than she let on.
Alec decided to ruin the peace first with his worries.
"Cat, did you know Magnus when he was with Camille?" Alec watched her as she nearly cringed at the mention of Camille. Her reaction was enough of an answer, but he let her speak.
She gave a small nod, "Yes, I did." Her eyes moved from her tea to Alec and he could see that she was worried he was going to ask how to find her, or something equally as dangerous. He wondered if she would be more willing to help him summon Asmodeus than she would be to reunite Magnus with his vampire ex.
"Were you there when she stopped him? At Blackfriar's Bridge?"
Cat lowered her tea. "No. Magnus had tried to pull away from all of his friends… before." She closed her eyes for a second, shaking away the scene of whatever memories she was stuck in. "He started a fight with me, to get me to leave, and after a while, I just kind of wore down so much that I didn't care until Ragnor told me what happened."
Alec frowned, "I'm sorry if any of this is too much, but, how did he pull away?"
"Do you think he's pulling away?" The worry was evident in Cat's eyes. Her glamour was beginning to slip, making her skin an almost smoky dark blue. She set her tea down on the table beside her and tried to calm herself. Alec could see that she was trying to calm herself, trying to put together all of Magnus's most recent actions to see if they aligned whatsoever to what he had done all of those years ago. Slowly, the tension wafted off of her and her glamour went back up, probably for Alec's sake more than hers. "Magnus is in a much better place now than he was then."
"Is he really?" Alec could feel his own voice shake, but he knew he wasn't going to cry. He wasn't upset enough to do that, not now.
He tried not to think about how Magnus had smashed his favorite wine glass, how he had snapped his fingers trying to silence the alarm on Alec's phone, how he had sat on the floor and looked through photo albums like he was trying to escape back to Chicago speakeasies and the sands of the Port Royal. Last night Magnus had finally broken, he had curled up with Alec on the couch and cried until he couldn't cry anymore.
"Cat, he's falling apart and all I want is to fix it."
She looked him over, almost like she was trying to figure out just what he wanted to do, just by what was written on his face. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, the days she had heavily advised for relaxation and healing. Her gaze felt like a microscope, looking over his intentions to see if he was truly looking out for Magnus, if he was truly doing what Magnus wanted, or rather, what he needed.
"Alec."
Cat was just as upset as he was, but she did a better job of showing it. He could see the tears in her eyes, the ones that wouldn't fall because she was stronger than this, in fact, they both were. Alec wondered if she was thinking about that night where Camille had held Magnus back from Blackfriar's Bridge, the night where all Magnus had was Camille Belcourt to save him from himself. Surely Magnus wouldn't consider something like that again, not when things were the way they were, not now, not when he had Alec.
Cat exhaled slowly, closing her eyes and banishing away the tears. "I can only give you what I already have." She opened her eyes to look at him and he could see the magic sparkling in her gaze. "I can't summon him for you."
Alec nodded, understandingly. He knew all along that Cat wouldn't summon Asmodeus, not when she had Madzie to take care of. He set down his tea and followed her into her workroom.
She didn't even have to snap her fingers to turn the lights on and reveal the poorly contained mess. Every sort of magical item Alec could think of was strewn somewhere along the room. The only organized items were dusty and placed on the shelves along the walls or the shelves that divided the room into two narrow walkways.
Alec carefully stepped over a box of rare ingredients, the top of it torn by hand like Izzy did with the shoes she ordered online. He wondered if Cat reacted to shipments of rare plants the way Izzy reacted to Prada.
He followed Cat to the back of the room where there was a desk tucked into the corner. She sat down in her chair and flipped through a large book that was already open in front of her, with the wave of a hand, the words started to shift until they were in English. "Some of it is untranslatable."
Alec looked over the pages and without looking, took his phone out of his pocket and readied the camera. "Is this translated from Latin?" he asked, raising the phone above the pages carefully and perfectly so it captured everything.
"Chthonian." She corrected, already moving to her wall of books. Alec could hear her pulling out books both thin and thick. He tried his best not to sneeze or cough through all of the dust she was spreading.
The first page she had opened was a list of hours, one like the one Alec had copied from one of the Institute's books, only it specified for Asmodeus, rather than the planets he ruled, or the planets that ruled him. He took a few pictures of the next page and so on until the pages blurred back into Chthonian.
Cat handed Alec two thin books before setting the thicker book, about the size of a few bibles bound together, down on the table over the other book. She opened it a quarter of the way through and paged through to find what she, or rather Alec, was looking for.
"You know Latin, right?" She asked, not looking away from the pages in front of her.
"Salve, meus nomen est Alexander."
Cat snorted a laugh, "Salve, Alexandre. Nox atra cava circunvolat umbra."
"Night… folds with shadow?"
"Night surrounds us with black shadow." Cat corrected, her fingers still in the book holding the pages splayed open. "Virgil."
Alec readied his phone camera and took a few pictures of the book Cat had open. "What is this?" He asked, zooming in a few times to take more pictures of the tiny words in tiny little lines.
"A record of all Greater Demon summonings. We stopped recording in the eighties." Cat smiled a little, "Asmodeus is only a few pages, not many people bother with the Prince of Hell. If you're going to summon a Greater Demon, people usually go for the important ones, like Amon."
He took a few pictures of the pages that Cat had for him, and hoped they would be easy to translate. Alec wondered if he could somehow persuade Magnus into helping him out, but he was sure that Magnus would try to stop him the second he knew just what Alec was up to. Maybe Jace would know, he was after all the reason Alec had failed Latin in the first place.
"And what are these?" He motioned to the books she had handed him, two thin copies, both of them blue. It was strange to have warlock books that weren't handbound or handwritten in his hands. These books were published, like mundane books.
"Jewish texts." Cat straightened, "Asmodeus shows up in a few of them, they'll help you understand the symbolism used in these two texts." She placed her hand on her worktable.
He nodded, looking over the books he had in his hand. They looked simple enough, but Alec knew better than to actually believe that. "I suppose when I summon him he won't be the three headed vision that's in the Ars Goetia."
Cat softened, "No, no, he doesn't look like that at all." She was anxious, and Alec knew she felt like she was showing a kid how to do drugs, or something on par with that. These were warlock arts, things that had been practiced by the Children of Lilith for centuries, things that were meticulous and took hundreds of years to perfect, and she was showing a nephilim how to summon a demon in presumably less than a month.
"Alec," She breathed, her voice was so soft, the tone of voice his mother often used when she didn't approve of whatever he was going to do next. "Don't summon him on your own."
He smiled a little and nodded, tapping the books she had given him. "I won't."
"Don't let Magnus summon him either."
"I won't."
Cat sighed, still looking over him for just a moment before she pulled away from her messy work and lead Alec out of the workroom. "I still expect you and Magnus to watch Madzie."
Alec laughed, "Sure thing." He smiled, standing in front of the door, but before he could bring himself to walk through it, he turned to face her. "Thank you."
"No problem."
"No, I mean for everything. I don't remember if I thanked you or not for coming when Magnus called." Alec couldn't exactly think back to the alleyway behind Broadway and Lafayette, things were fuzzy and dark, and the only thing he could really remember was that Magnus was there, holding him, holding his hand, and talking to him.
She blinked, as though she hadn't expected him to even consider thanking her for such a thing. "Oh, well, it was no problem." She said awkwardly, "Take care of yourself, Alec." She didn't have to tell him to take care of Magnus. It was a given.
He smiled a little, finally putting his hand on the door. "I will." He walked through and headed back to the loft
Alec was almost certain Magnus had left the apartment until he felt someone grab his leg as he went towards the bedroom. He nearly dropped the books Cat had given him in surprise and had to steady himself by grabbing for the nearest table.
"Sorry." Magnus released his ankle and let Alec steady himself. "I thought you were going to step on the cards."
Alec clutched at his chest, trying to slow his heartbeat down and trying to ignore the awful aching he felt. "You scared me." he breathed, setting the books down on the table. He took a step back and sat down across from Magnus on the floor. "I thought you said these were a joke."
Magnus stared at the formation he had put the cards in, six of them pulled up from the line of the deck he had put in front of himself. "Sometimes." He flipped the first one over, revealing a mostly blue card featuring a man wearing a gray hood, he stood with a staff in one hand and a lantern in the other, the bottom of the card read 'The Hermit' in large black letters.
He turned over the next card, 'The Fool', a bright yellow background with a young man standing on a cliff ledge wearing an outfit so gaudy it almost hurt Alec's eyes to look at. Magnus flipped the next card to show 'Judgement', a card that Alec had seen before.
It was of an angel, hovering in the clouds above the souls rising from their graves in rejoice. Judgment day. Alec had always hated just how much the angel looked like Jace- blonde hair, beautiful eyes, almost always frowning.
'The Hanged Man' was the next card Magnus flipped over and Alec frowned, looking at the man hanging upside down by his ankles. He wondered if it had horrible connotations like the 'Death' card, but he wasn't sure. He had only looked into tarot when it overlapped with other things he enjoyed researching like the zodiac.
The next card was 'The Moon' and Magnus huffed, shaking his head a little before he flipped the next card to reveal 'The Wheel of Fortune'.
Magnus closed his eyes, exhaling softly. He opened his eyes and flipped the cards back over, putting them back into the deck and shuffling them.
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I have to stop pouting and I have to accept what's happened, that everything has happened for a reason, and that this reason isn't what I should expect." Magnus said slowly, moving the cards quickly through his hands. He shuffled them, then handed the deck to Alec. "Shuffle these twice."
Alec frowned and accepted the deck, moving the cards in between one another carefully and a little clumsy. He liked how Magnus somehow knew that Alec would need to shuffle the deck twice to actually move the cards out of order. He handed the deck over to Magnus, but he didn't accept it.
"Lay the deck out, and pick out six cards." He instructed, leaning back on his hands while Alec pulled out a number of cards. "Which one do you want first?"
Alec tapped on the far right card and Magnus leaned forward to flip it over, revealing 'The High Priestess'.
"You're calm and allowing things to happen without your involvement, relying mostly on your intuition and looking into things that are hidden from you." Magnus looked at Alec and let him flip the next card to show 'The Devil'.
"That's not good, is it?" Alec stared at the card, the orange demon on the front of it with dark gray wings and a cruel face.
"It just means that you want what you can't have, something you shouldn't want, something negative." Magnus let Alec flip over the next card, 'The World'. "You're afraid of being successful, you lack the confidence to accomplish your goals, you should be counting your blessings and finding satisfaction."
Alec flipped the next card, 'The Tower'.
Magnus frowned a little, "You feel as though your life is falling apart, as though everything has turned against you, but you're getting answers." He nodded for Alec to flip the next card, 'The Chariot', Magnus smiled a little, shaking his head. "You're cocky and it's getting in the way of your goals, but you will succeed."
"The cards did not just call me cocky." Alec laughed, looking at the card and the Joan of Arc figure standing in the chariot pulled by two sphinxes. "You're making this up."
"The Chariot represents victory, asserting yourself, and determination. It's your fifth card, which reveals what's working against you and your goals. If your victory, determination, and asserting yourself are what's working against you, I think 'cocky' is the word for it." Magnus tapped the card. "It's the positive aspects of ego."
Alec flipped the next card, 'The Star'.
"You will experience luck and good fortune, harmony, positivity." He smiled and looked up from the card. "What were you thinking of when you shuffled these?" Magnus asked, taking the cards and putting them together into a deck again.
"You." Alec answered honestly, smiling softly. He leaned in close and kissed Magnus, "I love you." He moved in closer, holding Magnus tight against him, kissing him again.
He heard the cards spill all over the floor and felt Magnus's hands move to his chest. Alec moved in closer, pushing Magnus down against the floor.
"I love you so much," Alec told him, kissing him again, his voice so soft and nearly breathless. He looked over Magnus, every bit of him, noticing how he had only done his eyeliner, his eyes looking over Alec, trying to figure out what he was going to do next. "I still don't think those cards called me cocky." He smiled, kissing Magnus again, just a quick kiss.
Magnus softened a little, "Well, they did." He pressed against Alec, wanting to be closer. He kissed Alec's jaw, "I didn't, I'd never insult your ego like that."
"I don't have an ego." Alec whispered, as though such an admittance was seductive in any way.
He laughed, a laugh that Alec had been so afraid he'd never hear again. Magnus pressed his lips to Alec's and pulled away. "I forgot to ask where you went."
"I went to thank Cat." Alec relaxed a little, Magnus's hands were on him, holding him still. "We talked."
"She gave you books?" Magnus slipped away from Alec and stood, gathering the two books that Alec had come home with.
He nodded, "Yeah, you know how I told you I get stuck on a topic and research it to death?" He let himself lay back on the carpet, stretched out like he could fall asleep amongst Magnus's tarot cards. "Jewish mysticism."
Magnus sat down, his legs stretched out in front of him as he paged through one of the books. "This is a medieval manuscript." He told him, looking through the pages of words. He opened the next book to a random page and began to read aloud, as though he was reciting some sort of biblical passage to a crowd. "'And I Solomon, on hearing this, bound him more carefully, and ordered him to be flogged with thongs of ox-hide, and to tell me humbly what his name and what his business. And he answered me thus:" Magnus paused, changing voices, he was no longer reading to a crowd, but to Alec like he was getting a bedtime story. "'I am called…'" Magnus stopped reading, his voice shifted into a serious tone. "Alexander."
Alec turned to look at Magnus. "What?"
Magnus was silent, putting together his words before he could speak. He closed the book, but didn't set it down beside the other one. He looked at Alec, a deep sadness in his eyes that crushed Alec in a way he didn't completely understand. "You can't change what's been done." His voice was soft, but strong, an almost command. "I made a deal, and you can't break it." He set the books on the floor.
Alec sat up, "Magnus."
"No."
Alec moved in to fill the space in between them. "I love you and it hurts me, to see you hurt like this." He put his hand on Magnus's arm, "It kills me."
"And it doesn't kill me?" Magnus met Alec's eyes and he was sure that if Magnus had his magic, his eyes would be that bright gold, his pupils near slits. "I gave up everything, Alec, I gave up everything for you and you won't accept it." He stood, brushing Alec's hand off of his arm. "I went to Edom, Alec, I saw my father for the first time in centuries and I bargained my magic because I didn't want you to have to kill Jace."
Alec sat there, on the floor amongst the cards that they had looked over moments ago. He watched as Magnus walked to the other side of the room, his arms crossed over his chest as though he was hugging himself. Alec wanted nothing more than to slip inside his arms and hold him close.
"Jace almost killed you, Alec."
"But he didn't."
"Because of me." Magnus turned, he was more upset now than he had been. "You rely too much on me, Alec. You rely on me and my magic, and now that it's gone, you're getting into things that I can't save you from. I can't protect you from Asmodeus."
Alec stood, "I don't need to be protected-"
Fury hit Magnus's eyes like a bucket of cold water. "You don't need to be protected? Alec, you need to be protected from yourself."
Alec frowned. He let his fingers run over the old scars on the undersides of his wrists, suddenly self conscious about them. They were marks of weakness, times when Alec couldn't deal with the pressure that had been forced upon him, the mask he had forced himself to wear everyday until his wedding.
He didn't need to be protected from himself. He felt almost angry that Magnus had suggested such a thing.
"I love you, Alec." Magnus took a step towards him, his arms were at his side now. "I love you with everything that I am, but I can't protect you anymore. I gave all of this up, for you, and… I can't deal with this, Alec." Magnus's voice was beginning to shake, the awful break before tears started to fall.
He was too dumbfounded to say anything. His heart ached in his chest. He knew it was coming, he could feel it, like the tip of a knife dragging across his skin before it dug through into his heart.
"I think we're too codependent, right now, for our own good." Magnus's voice was soft.
Alec swallowed thickly. "I can protect myself, Magnus."
"I'm not underestimating your ability."
"Then don't do this." Alec could feel the tightness in his throat, the tears pulling at the back of his eyes. He moved in closer, taking Magnus's hand and trying to turn him around. "I'm not allowed back at the Institute until sometime next week, we have time to look into this and sort things out. There has to be a solution, Magnus."
"Alec." Not Alexander.
"Magnus, just, please, believe in me, just this once."
Magnus frowned, he turned, looking over Alec as though he were doing so for the last time. "I have never not believed in you, Alec, but there are some things that you can't fix. You can't meddle in the affairs of demons. What if the Clave found out, Alec? You think they'll approve of the Head of Institute summoning demons, making deals with them? You saw how they reacted when we started dating."
"They won't find out."
There were tears falling down Magnus's face now, his eyeliner smeared when he wiped them away. "You can't take that chance." His voice was so soft, so fragile. "You have your whole life ahead of you, Alec. I have centuries," he paused, thinking for a second about what he had just said and corrected himself. "I've had centuries."
"I don't care," Alec could feel the hot tears beginning to fall down his own face. "Magnus, I don't want to live without you. I can't live without you, and I can't live seeing you suffer like this because of me."
Magnus moved his hands to Alec's face, the most bittersweet smile on his lips, brushed away Alec's tears. "You have to, Alec. I can't let you destroy your own life because you want to make me happy."
"I'm not destroying my life." Alec's voice was a little stronger now. "The Clave doesn't understand what you've done, Magnus. They don't understand why the kill order was removed from Jace. They don't know that it was because of you and what you did."
"They aren't going to let you summon Asmodeus to get my magic back, Alec. They didn't consider the lives of the Downworlders when they lied about the Soul Sword, why would they care about one warlock?" Magnus took his hands down from Alec's face. "Alec," he lowered his head, his hands still on Alec's arms, moving down to his hands. "Alexander."
"Please."
He was quiet, looking at their hands and how nicely they fit together. "I love you, but you can't do this." Magnus exhaled shakily. "I think we need time away from each other, at least, for now."
Alec's mind went numb.
Magnus pulled him in and kissed him, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Alec took a step back, not sure of what to do. Did he pick up his books? Grab his bow and quiver from behind Magnus's desk? Did he just grab his jacket and go? Did he leave his keys behind? His hands were shaking, unsure of what to do, where to go, what to say.
"Alec."
He looked up to look at Magnus, but he was a blur in all of Alec's tears.
"Don't summon him. Please, just, promise me that."
He nodded, leaving the books behind as he grabbed his jacket from the rack. "Do you want me to leave my keys?"
Magnus was silent and unmoving. "No."
Alec nodded to himself, feeling the weight of them in his pocket like a ton of rocks instead of a single silver key attached to his Institute keys. He exhaled, and stepped out of the loft, into the mess he had created for himself.