keep the noise low. she doesn't want to blow it.
shaking head to toe while your left hand does the "show me around".
quickens your heartbeat.
it beats me straight into the ground.
Ryan was 14 and new to the world of girls. It was hard to understand one day his next door neighbor Teresa was little more than a hassle and than the next day she had boobs and he wanted to feel them. It had been sudden like that boom boom. Neither of them had the best of lives, neither of them were the most hopeful kids on the street, but in this situation Ryan was the innocent.
you don't recover from a night like this.
a victim still lying in bed completely motionless.
a hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
hear a boy bracing tight against the sheets barely whisper,
"this is so messed up."
Teresa was on top of his before he knew it. One minute they had been talking about his drunk mother, her drunk father and the next She was on top of him kissing him rubbing against him. It had happened that suddenly, boom boom. He wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to do, but his instincts lead him. He kissed back but laid completely still, frightened and confused.
He had seen his brother do this many times, with many girls. Trey always had a girl in their room late at night but by the time they were doing what Teresa was doing to him Ryan had always rolled to face the wall and quietly hummed to himself to drown out the noise.
upon arrival the guests had all stared.
dripping wet and clearly depressed he'd headed straight for the stairs.
no longer cool but a boy in a stitch.
unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.
Ryan didn't know what they were doing meant. He had always known Teresa liked him as more than a friend. But up until recently he had been kinda grossed out by that.
he keeps his hands low. he doesn't want to blow it.
he's wet from head to toe and his eyes give her the up and the down.
his stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
but the body on the bed beckons forward and he starts growing up.
Ryan's body is completely tingly. He isn't sure why he feels so taunt but every mussel in his body is awake. He has the urge to hold Teresa to touch her but he doesn't afraid of everything. The way her body is making his feel, her parents walking in, him doing something wrong, he was just to nervous to do anything but feel. And despite all the uncomfort he felt parts of him felt very very good.
the fever. the focus.
the reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
die young and save yourself.
the tickle. the taste of... it used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
die young and save yourself.
Ryan knew what was going on. He wasn't dumb, he and Teresa were about to have sex. He had just never thought of sex as some thing he would do. He heard how great it was and had talked with his friends about how he was gonna get it and it would be great but he wasn't prepared for this.
she hits the lights. this doesn't seem quite fair.
despite everything he learned from his friends he doesn't feel so prepared.
she is breathing quiet and smooth. he is gasping for air.
"this is the first and last time" he says.
Ryan didn't know what else to say but "this is the first time and the last" he wasn't sure what this meant but he was sure that this didn't happen every day. People didn't really have sex with the same person a lot. Once or twice every once in a while you fucked the same girl but not just one person at a time. Tomorrow he would have to find someone else to do this with if he did it again. That was the way trey did it. Trey never really had the same girl crawl in the window twice in a row. He was lucky if he recognized the girls at all.
she fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
he keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
he's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like.
he is a lamb. she is the slaughter.
she's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her.
Suddenly Ryan felt awful. Like something was tugging at his heart and he couldn't stop the pain. Every time she moved it didn't feel good anymore it felt unsettling. He didn't want her to stop. He wanted to have sex and be able to tell everyone he had done it, but it felt icky inside.
nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
he whispers that he loves her but she's probably only looking for...
so much more than he could ever give, a life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He knew Trey never said he loved her to the girls he had but Ryan had thought it would make the pain in his tummy go away. He was nauseous and he didn't know why. Someone was screaming at him in his head that this was wrong. That he shouldn't be doing this but he couldn't stop it. It had to happen. Teresa wanted it to happen. He knew he didn't love Teresa, he knew she didn't love him he just wanted it to be nice.
he keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
he waits for it to end and the aching in his guts to subside.
up the stairs: the station where the act becomes the art of growing up.
It was over pretty quick. As soon as it was he picked up his discarded cloths got dressed and walked to the door. He looked back at Teresa who was still lying on her bed. She was still naked her back was to him and he couldn't ell if she was sleeping or hiding.
He absently wondered how she had known exactly what to do, but decided not to think to deeply. He probably didn't want to know, and he couldn't risk feeling sympathy for her. Sympathy could so quickly turn into more. And Ryan couldn't feel more for her, she was just some girl. That's the way it worked in Chino, people were things to be used for whatever function you wanted. Dealer. Friend. Sex. Nothing mixed nothing had degrees. Degrees got you hurt, getting mixed up got you dead.