Well I'm doing another song fic. Why I don't know. Just felt like it. I only do angsty song fics. That I have decided because sappy ones just make me want to remove the contents of my stomach. WAFF if good, horribly sappy, crappy...stuff is just too much. So here's another angsty song fic for ya all. From Yamato's POV mostly and it is Taito sorta one sided but not... Well you'll see. Very angsty! VERY. Gods I've made myself depressed reading this.

Flash backs normal.
Lyrics different font and bold.
Yamato's thoughts Italics.

I don't own the lyrics. I don't own digimon.



It's Been Awhile
By Staind

It's been awhile

I don't know when everything began changing, how I came to be in this situation. All I know is that I was living it large. The Teenage Wolves were more popular then ever, we'd have a concert at least once a week. The guys thought it was great and we threw ourselves into the lives of stardom. Parties, concerts , sex and drugs. The complete rock star life style. It was all good. Nobody could tell us we doing wrong. How could they? We were popular, young and having fun.

It was a heady dose for me to handle. I might have seemed so cool to others and girls might have wanted me but no one ever wanted to get to know me. Suddenly I had more friends then I thought possible. I was constantly surrounded with no one to tell me I was going the wrong way.

Well there was you. I guess surrounded by all those admiring people I was alone except for you. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see they only wanted a bit of my stardom to rub off on them. You knew, I know you did. You'd show up at my door all smiles and wild hair. You stuck by me and offered the only bit of real friendship I had. Crest of friendship my ass. I couldn't even tell the difference between a glory hog and a true friend. But I knew you where, I always knew you would be there.

Since I could hold my head up high

You stuck by me when things started going wrong. When I started getting in too deep. I remember how you tried so desperately to save me from my self inflicted life style.

"Okay Yamato just another ten steps, you can do it." Taichi said softly as he supported a very drunk Yamato up the steps of his apartment building.

It had been another night of wild partying and the Teenage Wolves had been in the thick of it. To be honest Taichi didn't even know if Yamato was drunk or high. He smelled of booze and pot.

"Geez Yama how do you do this all the time." He said as he led Yamato into the living room and onto the couch.

Yamato collapsed bonelessly at his shove with a giggle. Taichi was starting to think high. He sat down next to him with a sigh. This was the third time in two weeks that Yamato had phoned him from a party wanting to go home. At least he was smart enough not to try and drive home himself but Taichi worried. He knew Yamato had been to more parties then just three.

"Yama you have to stop doing this to yourself. There's more to life then just partying." He said turning to his friend who'd flipped onto his back.

"You need to loosen up Taichi. Your only young once." he said with a silly grin.

"Whatever." Taichi said standing up again.

He walked to the door and left before Yamato's drug fogged mind could compute the fact he'd left. He didn't want to hang around and listen to Yamato promote his new found life style. Not when he wasn't able to listen.

*Tomorrow. I'll talk to him at school tomorrow.*

And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you

You tried so hard to convince me I was doing wrong. I never did listen. I just thought you were being uptight. I never, ever dreamed you were concerned for me, worried out of your mind. Gods I don't think I ever realised how much what I was doing hurt you. Not even when I realised how much you cared. I never did see you for what you were until that point, I didn't listen very well either or I'd have seen it sooner.

"Geez Yamato not again. We're supposed to go see Jurassic Park three. How can we if you've got a hangover?" Taichi sighed exasperated as Yamato emptied to contents of his stomach into the toilet bowel.

"We don't." Yamato groaned as his stomach clenched painfully.

Taichi sighed then walked from the door way to kneel down beside his friend. He pushed back Yamato's hair and let him lean on him instead of clinging to the toilet.

"So I guess I'm playing nurse maid again. Ah well it's not like I do much else these days." There was a note of bitterness in his voice next to the friendly sarcasism but Yamato was too busy trying not to throw up he didn't hear it.

Finally his stomach calmed enough that Taichi was able to half carry him, half lead him to bed. He collapsed with a soft moan and Taichi pulled down the black out curtain so the light wouldn't hurt his eyes. He sat on the edge of the bed and curled his legs up with a sigh. Yamato had all ready curled up into a fetal position and looked fairly ridiculous. Taichi would have laughed but he'd seen enough of Yamato drunk, hi or hung over.

"Thanks Taichi." Yamato muttered after a while.

"Hey, your my friend what else am I supposed to do?" Taichi smiled bitterly while reaching out and brushing back Yamato's bangs from his forehead.

This time Yamato caught the tone and sat up. He winced as a jab of pain echoed through his temple but blinked blood shot eyes at his friend.

"Taichi?" he asked unable to think of a question for the note of bitterness and loneliness he'd heard.

"Don't ask Yamato all right. It's not something you can help with. At least not really." Taichi said quietly, almost a whisper.

He turned away but not before Yamato saw the tears gathering about his eyes. He didn't understand why Taichi would be crying but he knew he didn't want him to. Yamato reached out a put a hand on Taichi's shoulder.

"Taichi what... ?" he didn't get to finish as Taichi flinched and stood up quickly.

He grabbed Taichi's hand before he could run out the door and pulled him back. He didn't say anything as Taichi glared at him before ripping his hand away and running out the door. He sat there in shock as what he'd seen in Taichi's eyes sunk in.

And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again

I didn't know how to react to you after that. Or that is i didn't know whether I could help those emotions you'd kept hidden until then. Of course I didn't help matters much the next time we saw each other. By then everything in my life was slowly disappearing into a haze of parties, drugs, anything I could get my hands on. Still you tried to help but I wasn't listening. Even to you I wouldn't listen. I think I hurt you. I know I hurt you.

"Taichi, hey it's me again. You mind picking me up again? Everyones drunk off their ass and I need a lift... No I don't have any change for the bus. Come on Taichi please? All right thanks!!!"

He picked Yamato up a while later, ignoring the loud music coming from the building and the people Yamato had been standing with. Yamato stumbled into the car barely able to walk and collapsed into the back seat. He passed out emediatly. Taichi sat there looking back at him for a while before starting the car up again.

"Your welcome... "

It didn't take long for him to reach Yamato's apartment building. He got out and opened the back door. The blonde was still sprawled across the back seat oblivious to the world. Taichi sighed and reached in pulling Yamato up by his shirt. He pulled at the dead weight until the drunk teenager slumped forward leaning all his weight against Taichi.

"Shimata... "Taichi cursed as he tried not to fall backwards.

He shook Yamato hard once he got his balance and he woke up enough to stand. Though not without leaning heavily on Taichi. The brunette didn't say anything but simply dragged Yamato up to his apartment. Finally they reached the door and Taichi had to go fishing in Yamato's pockets for the key.

"Kuso, you should just give me a spare key. I open this door more then you do." He reproached the barely aware Yamato.

No answer was given as he pulled Yamato over to the couch and let him fall onto it. He was about to turn and leave him to sleep it off when a slurred voice mumbled through the couch pillows.

"Taic-i?"

"What is it?" He asked turning around.

"What was with the other day?" Yamato asked looking up with cloudy blue eyes.

Taichi paused looking at Yamato in confusion. He didn't know what to do. Yamato was drunk off his ass and wasn't in any state to talk to. He probably wouldn't remember anything either... That decided it. Taichi knelt down beside the couch with a small smile.

"I'll tell you some other day." he said leaning forward and placing a small quick kiss on his lips.

Yamato blinked in surprise then did something he would regret later. He reached out and placed a hand on the back of Taichi's neck. He pulled the other boy forward and kissed him back, a much deeper kiss then before.

The brunette squeaked in surprise but melted into the embrace ignoring the taste of alcohol on Yamato's breath. Taichi held onto Yamato's shirt with both hands as his mind whirled in shock. He was enjoying this but it felt wrong. Yamato was too drunk to know what he was doing.

Taichi made to move away but Yamato wouldn't let him go. The blonde had one arm now wrapped around Taichi's waist and wasn't letting go. Taichi pushed roughly against Yamato getting just a little frightened. But this only made Yamato flip around and pin Taichi up against the couch. His hand began to undo Taichi's pants as his mouth still remained clamped over the brown eyed boy.

*Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit... *

Suddenly Yamato yelped in pain and rolled off Taichi to kneel on the carpet. Taichi jumped up and quickly backed away from Yamato who was curled up around his crotch. Taichi grabbed his keys from the table where he'd left them when he'd come in and ran out the door. He ignored the tears threatening to spill telling himself that Yamato had been drunk and didn't know what he'd been doing. That he'd probably forget what happened and things would go back to normal.

And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

I didn't remember much about that night to be honest. Eventually you told me but I had remembered enough. I remembered you kissing me and I remember you running away. I knew I'd done something to hurt you. That I'd screwed up once again and hurt you. I keep doing that. Hurting the one person who meant more then anyone I knew. I knew now that you loved me and hell I loved you too. At the time it wasn't enough to save me. I couldn't face you after that. I could tell you I was sorry for what I'd done and that I felt the same towards you. I just thought that I'd screwed up again and most likely lost the one friend I had. The only friend I had.

And everything I can't remember

Because of that I went, to forget or at least ignore the problem for another day. It was supposed to be The Party. There were three bands playing besides The Teenage Wolves and we got to party once our set was done. Takejiro pulled me into something once again. He's a great base player but he has this need to push things to the limit. He pulled us all in that night. The sad thing is all I can remember was him saying how great it was going to be. Well I can remember some of it.

As f*cked up as it all may seem

All it was, was flying colours and a sense of not having a body. I was drifting and I couldn't make sense of anything around me. Still I got in the car.

And consequences that are rendered

It hurt, I remember that. A flash of light and suddenly my world went head over heels with a loud screech of metal and locking brakes.
The entire car shuddered violently and then I was squashed between the seats and my friend beside me.

I stretched myself beyond my means

I might have stood it. I might have been able to handle the consequences of stepping into that car with my friends if it hadn't been for the only other thing I remembered. It had been dark, wet and warm. It soaked my shirt and dripped on my face. The last bit of life slowly fading from Takejiro and Akira. I couldn't escape past the horrible guilt and horror I felt from that night. I couldn't escape but I tried. I tried again and again blurring the edges of my conicousness, while you watched and tried not to cry.

See I ended up hurting you again. I didn't mean to but I hurt you trying to escape from my own pain and loneliness. Still maybe if I'd seen sooner how much it hurt you I'd have stopped. Or maybe even then it was too late.

And it's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted

Then it became more then just an escape it became my life. I couldn't stop. I took things that made it impossible to connect with reality. I wished I could stay there, where things wern't so bad. Where I wasn't losing you, where I hadn't lost them on one night of stupidity. Even the bad trips didn't matter so much. They faded away while reality never would. They took over, even when I didn't want to escape I had to have that fix. Something to sooth the frayed nerves, and still my shaking hands. I couldn't play guitar anymore if I'd wanted to. I never wanted to play again. Of course this all hurt you. But you hid it well. So very well.

"Yamato are you home?" Taichi asked as he opened the door.

The Ishida's had finally gotten him a key considering how many times he came over. He'd forgotten about that time when Yamato had been drunk in the tragedy that had followed. Now he merely tried to make sure Yamato didn't pine away from depression. Everyone knew the accident had effected him greatly. Some, like his father, didn't know how bad things were.

*Hell I'm his bestfriend and I don't even know how bad things are.*

Taichi thought as he entered the living room where Yamato was lying on the couch eyes closed. He had large circles under his eyes and his skin was paler then normal. He was doing something to himself but no one could figure out what. Maybe he wasn't eating or maybe he was just brooding too much. But Taichi wasn't about to let Yamato see how worried he was. He had to be strong and help Yamato through this. He would be strong, hell he didn't have the crest of courage for nothing. Maybe he could give Yamato a bit of his.

Sighing at his own dark thoughts he went over to Yamato. He shook his shoulder to wake him. Blurry, blood shot eyes stared back at him. Ignoring the signs of what Taichi knew was not alcohol he smiled cheerfully.

"Hey Yama you look like shit! Come on lets get you out of this house for a day."

And it's been awhile
Since I could say I loved my self as well

I could see what was happening to myself. I was slowly losing what there was to my life and personality. I hated myself for being so weak. I couldn't just stand up, dust myself off and go on with my life. I had turned away from life and wished only to sink into a cold oblivion, never to return. I was pathetic and yet you didn't believe that. I thought you'd turn away but you came closer and tried to help me. Gods do you know how much I thank you for that?

They'd gone to the park for lunch and sat on a small hill enjoying the day. Well Taichi enjoyed the day, Yamato just tried to hide the way his hands shook and ignore the ace that demanded to be stated.

"Yamato? Are you okay?" Taichi had asked placing a hand on his shoulder.

Yamato realised Taichi had been talking to him but he'd been so preoccupied with hiding his condition he hadn't noticed. He shook his head and pulled away.

"It's nothing Taichi. Sorry I wasn't paying attention." He said quickly hoping Taichi would leave it alone.

"Yama... No it's not nothing! I can't sit here a pretend your not doing this to yourself!" Taichi said quietly but intensely.

Taichi was boring holes into him with those dark brown eyes, as if to convince Yamato of his words. That with a look he could convince Yamato to listen. Yamato blinked stupidly unsure of how to respond.

" Yama, please believe me. I wont go away and I'll help you if I can. Please... Just stop doing This to yourself." He said quietly looking down now at Yamato's hand in his.

Yamato didn't remember Taichi taking his hand but it was shaking in his. He couldn't stop it and Taichi knew this. He held it tightly and Yamato realised he was trying to stop the shaking himself. Before Yamato could stop them, tears were blurring his vision. Yamato felt he should say something, thank Taichi for being his friend for caring enough... Yamato opened his mouth but Taichi looked up quickly and shushed him up with a finger on his lips.

"No thanks Yama. There's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for you." He said letting his fingers glide across Yamato's check in a gentle caress.

There was no embarrassment in the act. No regrets for showing how much he felt about Yamato. The blonde let the tears fall then, the first time he'd cried since the accident. Yamato fell forward into Taichi's arms and he held him as the sobs wracked Yamato's body.

Funny how quickly after that our relationship changed. I never realised how strongly you felt before that. I didn't understand how you could. No one had ever been so close to me. I always knew how important you were to me. How could I when I'd almost lost you before. Strange I promised nothing would ever get in the way of our friendship ever again. Wonder why I couldn't remember saying that now.

And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and f*cked things up just like I always do

I kept on pushing you away even when I couldn't let go. I never wanted to be away from you ever again. I kept on going back to the drugs, you leave to go home and I'd be drunk within the next twenty minutes. I tried not to honestly I did, I guess it was a good thing you always helped me out of that hole I kept digging deeper. You might not have stopped me, but you slowed things down. Gods how it must have hurt you...

The door opened slowly into Yamato's bedroom. Taichi hadn't even bothered to knock or call out. He knew what he would find. Yamato was curled up in the little ball he always slept in an empty bottle beside the bed. Leaning against the door frame Taichi closed his eyes as tears threatened.

*Be strong Taichi. He needs you. He needs your help. He can't get out of this alone.*

Standing up straight he walked to the edge of the bed and sat down beside him. Yamato didn't move an inch. As Taichi gazed at the sleeping form of his lover he couldn't stop the tears that fell from his eyes. He'd become so much closer to Yamato in the past few weeks. He knew everything there was to know about him. He knew about the drugs he took, what he'd had to endure during the crash.

*He's so thin now...*

Yamato still wasn't eating much either. That combined with the things he took when Taichi couldn't be there and his Dad left, he was a pale, sickly shadow of his former self. Reaching out Taichi brushed back limp strands of hair. His eyes ghosted over the hallow cheek bones and pale lips. The dark, puffy circles under sunken eyes.

"Oh Yama what's happened to you..." He sighed lying down next to Yamato.

Not caring wether they were late for school or not he wrapped an arm around Yamato waist pulling him close. He buried his face in the blondes neck letting the tears fall freely.

"I wont leave you. I will not leave you ever. No matter what you do to yourself I wont!"

I heard what you'd said. I heard to pain but I couldn't see past my own. Yet I felt a small degree of happiness knowing I had you. Around you I didn't need the drugs, I didn't need to numb away the pain. Around you I was happy.

And it's been awhile
But all that sh*t seems to disappear when I'm with you

Yamato woke up as Taichi muttered those words. He smiled and turned around in Taichi's arms. He didn't see the tears as he rested his forehead against Taichi's shoulder.

"Good Morning Koi." He said feeling not so bad after a night of bingeing.

He felt Taichi's arms tighten around him and heard the whispered hello. Not caring about being late for school, just happy to be lying in Taichi's arms. There in that warm circle of love, he felt safe and sometimes truly happy.

You made me happy. Did I ever tell you that? I don't think I did. Maybe you knew. Maybe but things were too late. I'd dug that hole too deep and soon I began to slide again. Slowly I began to lose you. I know now how much you tried. Tried to ignore the hurt I cause to you daily.

And everything I can't remember
As f*cked up as it all may seem

You know I can't even remember when, how you left. I just knew I wanted you to be around. I wanted to be near you so badly. I guess you'd turned into the one drug that worked. Only if you were around. When I was alone I turned to the drugs again, shooting up trying to numb the pain until you could hold it at bay with gentle kisses and strong arms.

Then they wern't enough. I needed something stronger, I think they call it building up a tolerance. It happens with any drug I suppose. I can't even remember when you left, when you found for the last time what I'd done... When you decided you couldn't live with the pain any longer.

And consequences that are rendered
I've gone and f*cked things up again

Taichi walked into the silent house, eyes down cast. He knew what he'd find. It had been the same thing for the last two weeks. Yamato sprawled on his bed to wasted to move. He leaned against the door frame once again gazing with hopeless eyes at the person he once loved. No he still loved Yamato more then anything and anyone. But the pitiful creature on the bed had long ceased to be Ishida Yamato.

As he'd done every morning for three months, Taichi sat on the edge of the bed beside him. No response. He didn't expect one either. The drugs Yamato was now taking were far to strong for him break their spell over the blonde.

He no longer cried. He couldn't feel sorrow for Yamato any longer. All he felt was an ace that wasn't getting better. One that grew each time he saw what Yamato had become.

"Goodbye koibito."

Then picking up his school bag he left. He turned his back on the person who he most wanted to help, but was killing him in the process.

Gods why did you have to leave me?

"Why did you leave me Taichi?"

Why must I feel this way?

I need to get rid of this void inside me. I can't stand to live like this anymore. I can't cry anymore, though I want to. I can't make things better. Nothing can, nothing will. Though I hope.

Just make this go away

 Now, only now do I see what a mess I've made of my life. I've tried to stop. Get rid of this gnawing addiction that's slowly been ripping away at my soul. Only now do I see how far into my hole I've dug. How I've pushed away anything that might have mattered in my life.

Just one more peaceful day

I wish desperately now for what I used to have. Loving arms wrapped around me, someone who cared and was willing to help. I can remember the sun on my face. Your hands around mine and the deep sound of your laughter. The soft touch of your lips. We spent the whole day out on the roof. Fell asleep there too. Gods how I miss that so much... How I wish for another day like that. Instead of this living hell I've made for myself.

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight

Now I know, but it's too late. I can't even look in the mirror without feeling the horrible shame of what I've done to myself, to you.

And it's been awhile
Since I've said I'm sorry

Did I ever say sorry for hurting you so terribly? I can't remember. I am sorry. Sorry for using you. Sorry for what I did when I was too high, or too drunk to know what I was doing. Sorry for taking what I could from your love and using you. I sorry.

And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

One night is my only comfort. The first time we made love. I hadn't had a fix in two days. I guess that's as clean as I've been in months. Everything was just so. I cooked the food, laid out the table, lit candles. You were so happy, so surprised. I think then you had so much hope for me to recover.

The dinner lay forgotten as you wrapped your arms around me. You smiled so gentle then kissed me. I've never been kissed like that before. Gentle, caring then demanding. You felt so good pressed against me... I'll never forget that night. The soft cries, the feel of your skin, the sweet taste of your kisses. I'll never forget.

And everything I can't remember
As f*cked up as it all my seem

Still I can't remember as much as I'd like to. There's gaps in my memory, and now I think even your memory is fading away. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the drugs. I don't want to forget you but I have no control.

I know it's me

The pain is becoming unbearable. Nothing ever takes it away anymore. I think Taichi, that even if you came back to me now it wouldn't help. Yet I'm feeling numb. Must be because of what I did. Didn't I mention? I didn't take another needle. My Dad's pain medicine for his knee. That stuff is powerful. The bottle says only take two pills within a 12 hour period. Strong stuff...

I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

Dad was here a little while ago. I think he's finally realised just how far gone I am. He went out again almost as quickly. He did try to help me, none of his is his fault. He did as best he could. Too bad I never asked for help. I should have because I know he would have changed the entire world if he thought it would help. I hope he doesn't feel guilty because of the pills.

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high

My head feels funny now. It's hard to concentrate on writing. Think I'll finish then go take a 'little' nap. I hope you get this Taichi. Maybe you wont hurt as much if you knew...

And it's been awhile
Since I've said I'm sorry

I love you. I'm sorry.






















Owarii


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