So I just got this idea and thought I post it... Let me know what you think? And big thanks to Hannah for reading it beta
Beckett sat at Dr. Burke's office, waiting for him to come to their meeting. She wasn't sure why she was there. She already knew what he would talk to her about. He'd probably say "Kate, after what you told me and what happened, you have PTSD" and what's going to happen than? More therapy? More or other meds?
Gosh she was so messed up.
Two days later, and the team was due to have some down time at the Old Haunt without an ongoing case - that's what Castle said, and she wasn't able to say no to him. So here everyone sat with a beer in hand and laughing about a joke Castle was telling; well everyone truly laughed except of Beckett. The guys didn't notice it, she was very good at hiding, but Castle knew she forced the smile, and the tease. And Beckett knew he knew. This was messed up too, their whole not-really-but-actual-existing-relationship thing.
As usual the guys left earlier than Beckett and Castle did, but today Kate hoped it would be the other way around. She knew Rick would ask her what was wrong when they were alone and how was she supposed to tell him that she's not strong, extraordinary and not worth waiting for? But when she returned from the restroom and the boys were gone, Castle was smiling at her with that damn smile that made her want to forget everything and just kiss him, but she couldn't. She wasn't any good for him.
"The boys left, after Jenny called and Espo gave Ryan a lift; said I should tell you 'bye' from them," Castle explained smiling.
"Oh, okay; I guess that's my cue to leave too," Beckett suggested, already grabbing her jacket.
"Or you could stay and we could talk; we haven't done that in ages!" the writer exclaimed.
"What are you Castle: my BBF?" Kate tried to tease, though it didn't reach her eyes
"No, but I'm your partner and I'm getting concerned. I have the feeling you're avoiding me and I don't know why and I would love to just talk to you." Castle said with a seriousness that caught Beckett of guard. "So sit down and talk to me, please"
Kate didn't know why, but somehow it made her angry. Why would talking be good? So they would face the truth and Castle would go; she couldn't say good-bye to him just yet. But if they were talking she needed to tell him the truth and this would lead to a good-bye. "Why?" Kate wanted to ask it in a sarcastic way but it turned out watery and weak. Gosh she hated her weakness.
"Because we can't go on like that, Kate. I'm pretty sure you know it too."
"Maybe we can't go on like that, but that's still better than the alternative." Beckett muttered more to herself than to Castle. Once again she turned around to go, but this time Castle grabbed her by the wrist and made her stop.
"Stop it, Beckett; please. I'm trying to be here for you and be the partner you want, but you're making it pretty hard." Castle sounded desperate, but it didn't matter to him at the moment.
Kate took a breath and decided not to make it harder and even more hurtful, so she sat down and looked at her hands. "Look Rick, I can't be the partner you want. And I understand that you won't wait for me, but I just- it's too much and I can't stand the thought of losing you, but I can't be so selfish and expect you to wait for some broken mess. I'm aware that it's just a matter of time until you leave, so I try to live without you." Beckett rambled, without giving Castle the chance to ask or comment.
This was the first time in what felt like ages where Castle was speechless, and not in the good way.
"Kate, you are not making any sense, why would I leave?" Castle asked still trying to understand what's going on.
"I think it's pretty obvious," Kate stated, already closed off.
"No it's not, so please enlighten me," Castle said, putting pressure in his voice. He was not letting her go so easily.
"Oh come on, just look at me. Not only am I an emotional mess, I have a back story that defines me, hell I was shot because of that, my body still hasn't gained 100% strength and now I can't even do my work. That doesn't sound very 'extraordinary' to me" Kate said without any emotions, otherwise she would have another break down.
"Are you talking about the sniper case?" Castle asked starting to understand what this all was about.
Beckett merely nodded, and Castle decided to talk. He grabbed her hands, making her look at him.
"Kate, listen to me, you've been shot in the chest and you managed to heal in three months. That fact alone is extraordinary, but not only that, I've known that you've had PTSD since our first case after the shooting. I saw you shaking, but I knew you could handle it. Because you are the strongest woman I know. And it's okay to be weak, it doesn't make you any less strong. And this is no reason for me not to wait. I'll be there when you need me." Rick said, trying to make her understand.
"Even if I'm scared, because of a stupid noise?" Kate asked with a small voice.
"Always, Kate". Rick promised and hugged her.