By Lady Alia D'en
"Good evening boys and girls" says the elderly Jedi with a long white beard. "Tonight I am going to tale a very old story about jedi." All the small impressionable children nod in joy for the story.
"Long ago during the times of the old republic lived a jedi named obi-wan kenobi, he was a very strong and powerful jedi who could do almost anything but he had a problem, a very bad problem. And, it wasn't his drinking which was considerable, it was his padawan. His padawan was a very mean and nasty boy who did nothing but antagonize his poor aging master.
After one particular bad day obi-wan went to a bar in hopes of reliving some of the built up tension. Now, no one knew where obi-wan was and many thought he had gotten so fed up by his mean and nasty padawan that he had quit and ran away for good. As he had been threatening to do for nearly three mouths, in fact he had been doing this so often that the jedi council of old gave his three weeks of vacation.
Anyway, Obi-Wan went to a bar and began to drink trans- galactic gargle blasters mixed with Tattoine moonshine and orange juice. Now he was quite incapacitated when the vary famous jedi master Mace Windu found Obi-wan on the barstool.
"Obi-wan!" Mace Windu said with disgust, as he smelt the wave of alcohol from Obi-Wan.
"W'aaaa' M-Macse sss'at yo'u?" obi-wan countered while taking another slug of the Tattoine moonshine.
"Your drunk!" Mace said just as Obi-wan fell off the barstool and to the ground.
"Yep." Said obi-wan
Now you must understand it is very unusual for a jedi to get drunk, in fact a jedi is able to make alcohol so that it has no affect on them at all, but all the same they if they want can become very drunk. And, because they tend to ingest alcohol so rarely, they have very little tolerance for it. A drunken jedi is very rare.
Back to the story, now Mace carefully helped Obi-wan onto the barstool and cleaned the spit from the side of Obi-Wan's mouth. Obi-wan only gargled and slobbered more.
"Wan' sum?" Obi-Wan asked as he held out a bottle of the strong liquor.
Now what we might expect is for Mace to refuse but he didn't. Instead he took the bottle and garbled it down in a matter of moments. (very unusual) After a little while Mace too became drunk.
"Master Windu!" said a very concerned female voice. Mace turned around himself several times before realizing that the voice had come from the com-link connected to his belt.
"Uh yesss" Mace said in askance his voice wavering with the wavering tones of drunkenness.
"Master Windu, are you Ok?" asked the female voice.
"Yess" Mace answered while Obi-Wan seriated a song playing on the jukebox entitled, "Barbie Girl".
"Where are you, did you find obi-wan?" the voice asked sounding excessively concerned.
"BAr, eAst secTor, and uhhh yess." Mace replied as he gave more credits to the bar tender.
"On my way." Finished the voice as it was cut off.
Obi-Wan and Mace drank many drinks, and seriated many songs, such as "The Saga Begins" and "All Star". And it cant be told that they had bad voices but with their utter drunkenness it could not be told that they sung well, in fact their singing became so annoying to the fellow patrons that they tried to kick the jedi out. But, Because Obi-wan and Mace were jedi they quickly beat up all those that stood in their way and went back to their drinking.
That's about the time that Bant, a childhood friend of Obi-wan, arrived with two other jedi in tow.
"Obi-Wan!" Bant said with shock as Obi-wan fell off the stool yet again this time bringing the bottle with him and consequently causing it to splatter all over his face. One of the jedi giggled while the other cover up his face in order to hide the excessively large smile behind it.
Bant went to pick obi-wan up. As she helped him back into the stool she took one sip of the drink obi-wan had been consuming.
"hummm Anikin again, aye?" she asked as she took another gulp of the drink, within minutes she too was drunk. A few minutes after that, so were the two jedi with her. (which happened to be Garen and Siri other agemates of Obi-Wan.)
Soon enough the entire bar was bustling with drunk jedi drinking Trans-Galactic gargle blasters and Tattoine moonshine. And, not long after that the king Koopa of Jedi arrived. Senior jedi master Yoda was the most revered of all jedi and also the worst drunk. Some say it took him an entire bottle of 120 proof moonshine to even fluster him, but all the same he was always drinking that he quite often was drunk. Others say that the way to know he was drunk was when he would talk strait while others say it was the backward talking that meant he was drunk, no one today knows.
"Drinks on me, they are." Yoda said as he placed coinage into the jukebox and selected a song called "YMCA", which he himself sung as YODA. All the Jedi shouted out as they ordered their drinks and replaced YMCA with YODA each time the letters were spelled.
Much time passed, three days to total it out. When Master Yoda had to tell the grouping of jedi that he had run out of money and could no longer order drinks for the group.
Many of the jedi sighed, as they too had run out of money. The rest were either passed out or could no longer make out words as that they were puking their brains out and doing various other activities in the darkened corners of the bar.
"…Back to the temple we must go" Yoda finished.
All of a sudden one of the more conscious jedi started to sing "hi-ho hi-ho it's off to the temple we go…" soon a long train of jedi spanned from the bar to the jedi temple as all want home." The old jedi with a beard sighed as he finished his story. "Now," he said. "can anyone tell me the moral of this story?" several of the children said yes as the others politely nodded their heads and raised their hands.
"Yes." Said the old man as he pointed to a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.
"Obi-Wan's got problems" she said starkly.
"True, but that's not what I'm looking for." The old man said. "Anyone"
"All jedi are drunks" said a boy
"Bars are great places to meet jedi." Added another
"Jedi know how to party" supplemented a girl.
"Your all wrong." Said another, "its that Yoda will pay for the drinks?"
The old man quirked an eyebrow, "um no, the real moral of this story is…" there is a pause, "um" another pause, "you know I forgot." A pause, "I forgot? Oh shit. Ok well your all right." He got up and mumbled to himself and began to exit the room.
"But sir," suddenly interrupted a girl, "isn't your name Obi-Wan sir?"
Obi-Wan gave a humph and left.