'Snakes are everywhere. Every poisonous snake in the world slithering across the school floor just trying to bite me. Stop it. This is not true! It's false.'
"MR. YUKI! PAY ATTENTION!" I heard the teacher yell and the students were laughing at me. I blushed and put on a big, fake smile. School is done and I was walking to my dorm room. I stop and look at the forest and saw the whole forest being turned into snakes.
"Jaden, whats up?" I heard Poppy calling to me. I snapped out of my head and the thoughts of the snakes. Poppy is a friend I recently met.
"Hi, Poppy, how are you?" I asked softly. She smiled and said, "I'm okay, but I saw what happen in class today. Did you have another episode?" She asked softly, knowing that I hate talking about it. I don't want anyone to know to know that something is wrong with me. I nodded, but you see I am a schizophrenic.
To be specific, I am a paranoid and disorganized schizophrenic. Paranoid schizophrenia is where you have absurd or suspicious ideas and beliefs, while disorganized schizophrenia is when you have disorganized speech, disorganized behavior and blunt or inappropriate emotions. Schizophrenics have impaired communications and emotional indifference. Some suffer from hallucinations and delusions.
I know it sucks to be that way, but I have them both. I started noticing I was different when I was fifteen. It has been really a rough few years. My father has been beating me with his belt, angry that my mother left us. After years of my dads abuse, my mom left us and I have to deal with him all by myself. I have done some reading and I have read that one of the best ways to help treat schizophrenics is by receiving love and support from your family. Well I can count on that not happening.
I also read that Schizophrenic can be genetic. My grandmother, from my father's side had it. I had a one in one hundred chance of getting a mental illness, lucky me. My dad is in complete denial and doesn't want to deal with it. Obviously, my mom has decided to move on and not deal with it either.
"Jaden, there you are." I looked up to see Mr. Anderson, who I like. All of the sudden I hear laughter in the air. I know who it is. It is the man with dark hair, bright eyes, light skin. He encourages me to commit suicide, but I try hard to ignore him. He always calls me a failure and tells me I am worthless. I fight so hard to get him out of my head. 'I don't think about suicide' I thought to myself. Many schizophrenics are in danger of committing suicide.
"Yes, Mr. Anderson?" I asked looking confuse."I wanted to ask if you were okay? I came in when you spaced out. What happen?" "I am okay. Thanks for asking. I just spaced. That's all." I said. I wanted to tell him the truth, but I fear that he will try to send me away. He puts his hand on my shoulder and said,"I am here to talk if you want. I won't judge you, with anything." I looked at him and asked,"If I tell you, would you send me away?" He looked confused, but answered,"I would try to help you, not send you away, child." I looked at him and said,"I am a paranoid and disorganized schizophrenic. My grandmother had it, on my fathers side. I can't really explain what it is, but it is hard for me to be normal. I suffer with hallucinations and delusions, by thinking a man is right behind me and that snakes are after me." I was looking down. I know that Mr. Anderson was trying to process what I said in his mind.
Mr. Anderson said, "I want you to meet my wife, would you like that? Aurea, my wife is making dinner. I am sure she would love to meet you." I thought about it and said yes.
It was dinner time and I went to Mr and Mrs. Anderson's house. I smelled bake ziti. Mrs. Anderson welcomed me into her home and we sat down for dinner. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson asked me about my family. I told them how my dad didn't care about me and beat me whenever he got a chance. My dad is an alcoholic and my mom got fed up with him. She walked out and said that she wanted nothing to do with me and my father. I also told them that I did not see my father at all anymore, for now I am with a friend, but my friend had told me that I have to leave.
The Anderson's told me that Mr. Anderson's had an aunt that had bipolar disorder and he knew what it was like having nobody to look after them. They asked me if I needed help. I told them that I do want help. I told them I was scared and things were getting really weird. I can read about what is happening, but when I hear the voices and see weird things I don't know what to do. I am afraid it is getting worse. I know I am smart, but I have no idea what to do about what is happening to me. I am getting desperate for answers and help.
The Anderson's sat me down and explained how they could help. I needed to go to a mental health clinic and get examined to confirm that I did really have paranoid schizophrenia. If it was confirmed, than I had to follow what the doctors told me to do. I could stay with them and receive their support as long as I followed the treatment protocol. I readily agreed.
It's five months after the dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Anderson and they are still taking care of me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate their support and willingness to help me. They encourage me to stay on my medicine. I don't see snakes anymore, but I seemed to have lost my ability to write or play music. I don't feel the lows, but the highs are gone as well. I miss the energy and feeling of being able to do something great with myself. Life is so boring and dull.
I forgot to take my pills for a couple of days and the snakes and voices did not return. I am beginning to think I can beat this without the medicine. I feel better and really do not like the side effects of the medicine. I won't let the Anderson's know, I am sure no one will be able to tell.
Feeling great these days. Writing some really good music and I have lots of energy. I skipped school today and went to the music store. I am sure no one will notice the changes. Yeah, I skipped a couple of days last week, but the Anderson's haven't said anything. No voices in my head so I am sure everything will be okay. I think I was mistaken and maybe I really don't have schizophrenia.
The teachers told Mr. Anderson about me not being in school a few days. They also told him how my behavior was changing. I don't know what they think they are doing I am fine and really don't need them running to Mr. Anderson just because I skipped a few days. All kids do that.
Mr. Anderson told me to meet him in his office.
"Yes, Mr. Anderson?" I asked, I saw that he gave me a very disappointing look. "Are you taking your pills Jaden?" he asked me. "No I am not. Why?" I asked. I know that lying is pointless. He sighed and said, "I want you back on your pills. They are going to help you. If you don't take them, then I am going to have to ask you to leave. I don't want to do that, but I will if I have too." I looked at him and said, "Why? I don't like them. They make me dull! I can't write or play my music! Please Mr. Anderson, I don't want to take the pills." I was so shocked, I felt like I was going to cry.
"It's your choice and I understand, if you don't want to take the pills, but I can't take a risk that you won't harm someone or yourself while you refuse to take your pills. We agreed you could stay here as long as you followed your doctors instructions." he said. He was not looking at me at all. I was crying. Aurea was crying, because she knew it was hard on both of us. I walked out devastated but determined I could make it without the pills.
I can't find a friend to take me in. I am hanging out with some kids at this underpass in the city where we can sleep without getting harassed. It is getting cold and I admit I am hungry. I think I need to find a place to get some food and maybe a shower. I look pretty bad.
I found a homeless shelter and was lucky to get a bed for the night. I had dinner and got a shower and even had a chance to wash some of my clothes. I laid down on the bed with a real pillow and was glad to be warm.
"Give me back my stuff!" I yelled at the guy trying to take my things. He turned and grinned at me. I shook my head to make sure he was real and I was sure he was. Someone in the bunk next to me told me to stop yelling. "He's taking my things, stop him!" I yelled. I jumped up to run after him telling him to stop. I heard him say "You have to catch me first." I ran with all of my might to catch him.
All of a sudden three people were tackling me and holding me down. I told them to let me go and to get my stuff back. Someone was telling me to calm down and quit fighting. I did not listen and continued to fight them. Why were they doing this to me, someone was stealing my stuff. Or was this real. I really think it is. I don't understand what is happening. I know I just need to keep fighting. All of sudden I was strapped down on an ambulance bed and felt a poke in my arm.
I woke up and saw that I was in some kind of hospital. I looked down and saw that I was wearing a grey suit and handcuffs. The room only had the bed that I was strapped on to. The door opens up and I saw a doctor.
"Hello, Jaden, I am Doctor McKnight. Do you know where you are?"
"I have no idea." I said.
"You caused quite a scene at the homeless shelter last night. Yelling and attacking people telling them to get your stuff back. It was obvious to the shelter staff that you were having a psychotic episode and they called the police and EMT's. The police were trying to help and decided to have you committed involuntary for 72 hours so we can evaluate you. I am here to help you. Have you been getting treatment before this episode?"
"Yes I have received treatment , but I decided I was better and stopped taking my medicine. I don't like how it makes me feel. What will happen to me?" I asked. "We will evaluate you and see if we can stabilize you. You have had a very serious psychotic episode with hallucinations and delusions. We need to get you back on your medicine. I talked Mr. Anderson and he told me how you hated taking your medicine because you couldn't write music and felt that life was dull. I hope that we can help find a better treatment protocol for you. You cannot be released until we are sure you are stable and not a danger to you or someone else. " the doctor told me.
For three weeks, I felt terrible. I told the doctor that I was feeling sick all the time, but he said that it was my body getting used to the change in drugs. It takes time for the bodies chemicals to stabilize. After three weeks of medicine and counseling I was moved to a regular room on the psychiatric ward. I was glad to interact with other people and I was no longer hearing voices that only I could hear. That guy who kept calling me a failure hasn't appeared since I started taking the medicine once again. It sucks to realize that I was wrong and without the medicine I will still see and hear things no one else does.
I was ready to go home, but I wasn't sure where that was going to be. I messed up with the Anderson's and my dad didn't want me anymore and who knows where mom is. I hope they don't send me to jail or a halfway house. To my relief, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson come into my room. They told me that they wanted to stand by me and provide the support I needed. My dad gave them the right to be my legal guardian. I had to promise to continue to take my medicine and go to counseling and support sessions. I know I can do this. I don't ever want to see that guy again that only I can see and hear the voices that only I can hear. I want to be better. I want to be normal.