Pure Jealousy

The Trust Foundation

M

Jack/Will

Not mine, neither one of them

I saw him leave that night. And something forbidden, something that I had kept locked away safely for so many years, broke loose. I felt something burst inside me when he smiled at the stranger next to him. He was looking for someone to be with that night, and naturally he found one. They drank and laughed, and all the while the feeling in me rose to an unbearable height. They left together. There was absolutely no doubt in what they were going to do. And I was jealous.

I wanted it to be me. I wanted him to leave with me. The though of him lying under some strange man, gasping and moaning was killing me. It should be me who undressed him, it should be me who made him come.

It should be my name he was yelling.

Not the name of some stranger he probably wouldn't even remember the next day.

He left with the man, not looking back. Never wondering if it was the right thing to do. He left, not looking back at me, for which I was very glad, or else he would have seen the look in my eyes. A look of pure jealousy.

I went home shortly after them. The night was completely ruined by then. All I could think of was him. How his blue eyes would glace over in passion, how he would cling to me if it was me doing those things to him. I didn't want to stay any longer. There was no man who could make me forget him, because everyone of them would remind me of him. Every skin I would touch, would remind me of his, all the eyes I would look in would be of a piercing blue.

It should have scared me, these feelings. But they didn't. I had always been aware of them. They were always lurking beneath the surface. The thought that I loved my best friend in a way I shouldn't wasn't the thing that scared me. It was the thought of what would happen if he were to find out.

Because he would, of course he would. Grace would soon notice something about me, she would confront me with it and she would tell Karen. Of course, she would tell me she wouldn't do it. But, knowing her, it would slip out of her by accident. And Karen, well, Karen can't keep something like that a secret to her little poodle.

I felt so scared that moment. He always joked about me having a thing for him, what would he do it if turned out to be reality? I left the club feeling incredibly miserable. I tried hard not to think about what was probably going on in his bedroom, but however hard I tried, all I could think of was having him under me, arching his back into my touch, softly moaning as I caressed him.

I wanted it so badly. It was killing me. These feelings I had kept hidden for so many years had broken loose that night, and there was no point in denying them anymore.

I went to bed, feeling depressed and extremely sad. And although I didn't expect to, I fell asleep immediately. No dreams haunted me that night, I didn't even wake up one time.

When I woke up the next morning, however, everything came back to me. Jack, leaving, not looking back and me and my stupid jealousy. The fact that I was jealous wouldn't change a thing. He would laugh and joke about me "being too fat to ever get someone as hot as him." If I ever should decide to tell him. I heard someone coming in through the front door. It was probably him, coming over for some breakfast. I got up and walked into the living room, dreading the moment I would have to look him in the eye.

But it was Grace. She smiled at me and asked a little surprised: "Hey, honey, why haven't you made breakfast yet?" Naturally, all she could think of was food. My first intention was to just tell her, she would probably squeal in delight and start jumping up and down, but for some reason I didn't want to share it with her. I had always suffered in silence, getting over Michael was something I had done alone as well. I had shared every crush with her, every love and every break-up, but somehow I couldn't share this. I made us breakfast and we sat in silence as she shoved her food down her throat. She was already finished when I was only halfway. She looked at me skeptically while I read the paper. I tried very hard to concentrate, but I knew she had noticed something about me already.

"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to you, you know." She said softly. I looked up at her. She looked truly worried about me.

"It's not that I don't want to tell, I just can't." I tried. It was the closest I could come to the truth right then. I truly couldn't tell her, she would freak out and start doing the "I told you so" song and dance. I really wasn't in the mood for that right now.

"Tell me when you're ready then. You know you can share everything with me, Will." She leaned forward to emphasize her words, looking at me with concerned eyes. I smiled.

"I know, Gracie."

Jack choose that moment to come in. He looked like he always looked in the morning after hooking up with some guy; sleepy, content and a little rugged. His hair was a mess and he had a goofy grin on his face. And I felt that pang of jealousy again; why wasn't it me who could him make look so content after a night of sex? Why couldn't it have been my who had tousled up his hair?

"Morning lovely lady." He said happily. "And Grace too of course." He added sniggering. I felt myself blushing at the compliment. He made these sort of remarks all the time, but somehow it was different now.

He sat down at the table and looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"What, no breakfast?" Of course, his mind was only on food as well. I got up hastily and started making a bowl of cereal for him.

"Good night at the club?" Grace asked.

"Oh, yeah." He smiled. He looked so happy, so satisfied I wanted to slap him, kick him, anything to make that look disappear so I could make him happy through my touches, my kisses. I placed the bowl in front of him.

"Thanks, honey." He caught my eyes with his and I felt myself lose concentration. They were so brilliant, so bright, so full of love for me. Older brother love I knew, and I averted my gaze.

"Any time, sweetheart." I felt Grace looking at me surprised, realization dawning in her eyes.

"So Jack." She said, loudly, never taking her eyes of off me. "Did you hook up with someone last night?"

I stared at my spoon with all my might. I couldn't do this, not yet, didn't she understand?

"Of course I did! It was awesome! I think it may be the start of a relationship of more than three days. And you Will? Did you find one?" And before I could stop myself, I looked at him again.

"Oohh, Will!" He whispered softly. His nails dug deeply into my upper arms. "You feel so nice, hmmmm, please do it now!" My hands drifted lower until he cried out again, head thrown back in ecstasy.

I slightly shook my head at the vision that somehow had made his way into my mind. The little fantasy must have made me blush, because Jack grinned.

"So, you got lucky too?"

"No." I said, quickly looking at my spoon again. I didn't dare to look at him again.

"Oh, shoot! I have to go!" He said, jumping up. He had clearly forgotten about our conversation.

"I have lunch with Joey in an hour!" He ran out of the door, leaving his uneaten breakfast at the table.

Neither Grace nor I spoke for awhile. I looked at her slowly. She looked back with understanding in her eyes.

"Please don't do the "I told you so song"." I whispered.

"I won't, Will." She said. "I won't."

So? What do you think? Is it worth a next chapter? Please let me know!