Five Times Sarah Walker Cried, a chuck fanfic

A/N: I swear Cowards & Heroes will be updated soon. I decided to take it in a different direction and it's taking me awhile to catch up.

This ain't who I want to be
It's just who I am
- Gloriana

She had turned seven a few days ago. Her mom had been gone, of course. Off on another one of her business trips. Her father had thrown her a little party. She woke up that morning to pink streamers and glitter and little signs saying "Happy Birthday!" littered throughout the house. There had been no guests at this party. She didn't really have friends or other family, but that was ok with her. It was still one of the best memories she had. Her father had tried his best to make a princess birthday cake and while it looked like pink stick figures with crowns, she was appreciative of the effort.

Her mom had only been home one night, but already it was obvious something was different. It was like someone flipped a switch and her mother was a completely different person. She had barely said two words to her, none of which were "happy" or "birthday". The second night was the night her life changed forever. Her parents were fighting and there was a sudden door slam then an eerie silence. She went to the window and watched horrified as her mother got in her car and drove away. She hadn't even looked back.

A few minutes later she could hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Her father walked in holding a plate of leftover birthday cake, handed it to her, and sat on the edge of her bed. He explained that her mom had left and probably wouldn't be back. She just nodded and ate her cake. Even at seven years old she could tell her father was about to fall apart. So instead of crying she finished her cake and kissed his cheek. It was only after she heard his bedroom door close that she clung to the teddy bear her mom gave her for Christmas and sobbed. She cried herself to sleep that night. When she woke up in the morning she went back to pretending everything was fine, but she knew her life would never be the same.

Her father had been arrested two weeks ago and she missed him terribly. Around that time she had left Jenny Burton behind and was now Sarah Walker, CIA agent. Well, agent in training at least. The past week had been a whirlwind. She arrived in Washington, D.C. early Monday morning and was taken to a training center. She started classes right away. Language classes were always in the mornings. Then before lunch she moved to self defense, then weaponry, and was required to spend at least an hour in the gym every day.

Today was different though. She had been poked, prodded, plucked, and waxed. Her hair was blonder and longer thanks to extensions. Her braces had been taken off and replaced with Invisalign. A woman named Ashley had given her a crash course in make-up, not that Sarah could remember anything she taught her. She was way too overwhelmed to really form a thought right now. All she wanted to do was curl up on her bed and pass out. But as she caught her reflection she noticed that something changed. She wasn't talking about the make-up or hair, but something inside. Sarah Walker had confidence. She stood up straighter, moved gracefully, and had a look in her eye that was not to be messed with. Sarah felt dangerous. It kind of frightened her.

She walked into the bathroom, washed her face, and threw her hair in a messy ponytail. When she looked in the mirror again she started to cry. The tears cascaded down her cheeks silently. Sarah Walker didn't have a father, but Jenny Burton did and she missed him so much. Sure, he wasn't the ideal father, but he was the one constant in her life. Sarah Walker had no one. She hoped that would change one day, but already she knew the life of a CIA agent was a lonely one.

Sarah had been in the CIA for about two years when she went on her first real mission. She had spent a long time in training and had gone on small non-threatening missions, but today she and three other young agents were flown into Egypt to catch an international arms dealer. Oddly enough, she wasn't even nervous. They had gone over and practiced the mission parameters at least a hundred times. Get in, get the guy, get out. The team had been dropped off at a secure location and they were now waiting outside the compound to get the go ahead from the mole stationed inside. Rodriguez had taken point while she, Spencer, and Marshall flanked him.

As soon as they moved in they were swarmed by guards. Sarah guessed their mole was either playing them or was made after he tipped them off. Whatever the case now they were involved in a gunfight with the arms dealer nowhere in sight. She and Rodriguez were able to plow their way through into an inner office and found the dealer and another guard. The guard came from behind, put an arm around Rodriguez's throat and a gun to his head, but Sarah was quick enough to get her gun pointed at the dealer before the guard realized it. They were at a standstill now. The guard instructed her to put her gun down or he'd kill Rodriguez. She knew that was a death sentence. The moment she lowered her weapon he would shoot them both. The dealer was talking to her now, but she was too focused on aiming at his heart while watching the guard out of the corner of her eye to really hear what he was saying. He was walking slowly out the door promising that once he was safe he would instruct the guards to stand down and let them leave.

To be honest, that sounded good to her. Sarah didn't want anyone to die on her first mission, but she had her orders. The dealer was to be brought in dead or alive. Graham preferred alive, but he was too dangerous to be let go. Sarah looked to Rodriguez who nodded despite the fear in his eyes. She turned back to the dealer's retreating form and took her shot. He went down quickly and she turned back to shoot the guard, but was too late. She watched in horror as Rodriguez slumped to the ground with blood dripping down his face. Luckily, she got off a quick shot to the head of the guard and rushed to Rodriguez's side, but he was gone.

Sitting in her room at the CIA base that night, all Sarah could think about was the look on Rodriguez's face as he nodded to her. In her heart she knew she did the right thing, but she could not shake the fact that she killed two men that night and sacrificed another. That's why she didn't hold back the sobs. She was sitting on the cool tile as the cold water rained down on her fully clothed form. She didn't want the other agents to hear her, to think she was weak, but no matter how hard she tried she could not stop sobbing. Something primal rose up and poured out of her as she whimpered and struggled to breathe. Sarah Walker may be confident and dangerous, but that didn't mean she relished taking a man's life.

Bryce is dead. He has been for awhile, but it doesn't fully hit her until she watches as his casket is lowered into the ground. Sarah tried to hold back the tears, very aware of Chuck watching her, though despite her best efforts a few escape and fall down her cheeks. Bryce may have gone rogue and tried to destroy everything she stood for, but he was still the only constant companionship she had in a long time. They cared for each other and he was the first person she had really latched onto after losing her father. Nothing he did would change that. It did reinforce that she couldn't rely or make relationships with anyone because in the end they would only let her down.

For a moment her eyes drifted to Chuck. He was standing by a tree in what she presumed was his father's suit watching her. Would he let her down too? Thinking back to the previous night she guessed he already had. This was never going to work if he couldn't trust her. But that didn't matter right now. Tomorrow she'd go back to the Wienerlicious and go back to being his handler, but for the rest of the day she was going to let that all go. She had to move on and to do that she had to let go of Bryce completely. It might be hard, but it was not impossible. Sarah Walker had a lot of practice in moving on.

Right away her hand flew to her gun. Would she really shoot Longshore? What scared her was that the answer was yes. It wasn't even to save Chuck's life, it was just to give them more time. The thought of losing Chuck to a bunker was daunting. When she lost Bryce she vowed to not make relationships with anyone. That didn't last long. She locked on to Chuck the moment she met him. Maybe it was because she desired the normalcy in his life, his family and friends, or maybe . . . it was something else. That "something else" was why she was standing on a roof ready to take down Longshore. It wouldn't be necessary though; he gave them a little more time.

She walks over and he tells her he's not ready. Truth is, she's not ready either. Chuck isn't someone she wants to add to the list of people she's lost. He looks her in the eye and Sarah can feel her walls breaking down. It's obvious that he doesn't want to go, but she can see him start to accept it as he talks about Ellie and his friends. He makes her laugh as their world starts to crumble around them. It's odd to think that the next time she sees him it could through opposite ends of glass, if she even gets to see him at all.

When he takes her hands she can feel the tears start to fall. She stopped trying to hold them back when he spoke of their relationship. Not for the first time, Sarah wished things could be different for them. She was proud of Chuck. He was handling this better than her. It's time to say goodbye and she promises to save him later. Then Longshore goes down and everything happens so fast that her tears are long forgotten.

He had passed out as soon as they got him home. Sarah knew Chuck was in pain. His brain could convince his body he was a Kung Fu master, but that didn't change the fact that his body had never done those things before. She was pretty sure there wasn't an inch of him that didn't hurt. Casey had gone back to Castle to update Beckman and she had taken the job of watching over the new intersect. If this was after any other mission she would have crawled in bed next to Chuck, but now she just needed space. She opened his window, sat next to it, and rested her head against the sill. The cool night air was welcome as it brushed against her face. The past few days had been an emotional rollercoaster. First, she put her whole career on the line for Chuck to help him find his father and escape the bunker. It felt good to finally be able to show him her feelings. It really was real. For awhile, at least, but once again everything was different. Now he was the intersect and Bryce was dead. A fresh wave of grief washed over Sarah as she thought back to Bryce's lifeless body. It was the second time she lost him and it didn't hurt any less than the first.

And Chuck. She was going to stay and if that meant giving up the CIA she was willing to do that. Part of her was ready to be done. But that was over now and she needed to be as tough as ever. Willingly uploading the intersect changed things. This would be Chuck's life now, for good. And it would be hers because she knew she'd never leave his side. They'd go back to the way things were before, but she still held out hope for a future. If her time with Chuck taught her anything, it was that he could do anything he put his mind to. If they wanted to be together, she knew he'd eventually find a way.

Though when she looks to him again all she can feel is disappointment. She's proud of him of course, for doing the right thing but he was her freedom. She tasted it when she kissed him and felt it when he held her. She doesn't feel it anymore and it suddenly feels like the biggest loss of her life. Sarah tries to think of all the girls she was before this, the girls she never was at all. And she wants to cry now because she can't remember half of them. At this moment she is no longer Sarah Walker, or Jenny Burton, or Katie O'Connell. Right now she's that little girl who clung to her teddy bear and cried when her mom left. But she can't cry right now because she'd been locked up somewhere deep inside crying for so many years that there were no tears left.

He's been awake for the last fifteen minutes. She doesn't know, at least, he thinks she doesn't, but Sarah Walker is a master of deception. He doesn't mean it in a bad way, not this time anyway, it's just a fact. The darkness frightened him at first, then he remembered where he was and the events leading up to the pain in his body. He didn't worry too much about that right now. All he could focus on was the woman in front of him.

She was sitting by the window completely lost in thought. Chuck wanted to call to her knowing her mere presence by his side would take away his pain, but something stopped him. He knew the past few days had taken a toll on her, but something real had happened during them. With the intersect out of his head they had a shot at a real life together. Now . . . now he wasn't so sure what the future held. He did know one thing: he was in love with Sarah Walker. In a way, he knew she loved him to. She wasn't going to go with Bryce and she didn't want to save the world. She was about to tell him what she did want, but was cut off by his father. He wondered if hearing the rest of her sentence would have changed the outcome of the night, but he doubted it. He did the right thing, he was sure of that.

Watching her now he realized that it might have been the right thing for the world, but it could have been the wrong thing for her. She didn't look too thrilled to be in the situation they were in. For all he knew she was ready to leave the CIA and have a normal life. That thought made uploading the new intersect even worse. Gone was his chance at a normal life and he might have thrown away hers as well. Now when he looked at her he didn't see the lethal secret agent who could kill him with a glance, or the girl who caused him an endless amount of frustration with their relationship, or even the girl he was utterly in love with. He just saw a girl. A girl who never had a real shot at a normal life. A single tear ran down his cheek as he vowed to do everything in his power to give her the normal life she wanted.