SO. This is a crackfic! I originally posted it on my ig fan account, _sherlawked_, but at popular request I have decided to post it on here. Please inform me of any typos I may have made!
Warnings: Contains slight innuendo, much Johnlock (nothing explicit, check the rating), and all things cracky.
PROLOGUE
He was running. Not because he had to, or even because he was being pursued. He was running simply because he felt BAMFy and he knew that he looked cool when he ran—hair flowing in magnificent waves, his trench coat billowing out behind him in a fashion reminiscent of Severus Snape's robes (not that he resembled Alan Rickman in any way, shape, or sound).
After all, wasn't that how most action thingies started off? Some mysterious and/or attractive character, usually wearing a billowing trench coat much like his own, running through a network of filthy alleyways and constantly breathing loudly and looking over his shoulder every once in a while?
Luckily, all of the above applied to Sherlock Holmes. Especially the attractive part. With hair as black as a black crayon, eyes the color of some bluey-greeney thingy of the sort you would see shortly after consuming a hallucinogen, and cheekbones sharp enough to cut through the doors of the TARDIS, he was able to attract the attention of bloggers and ex-army doctors alike.
He was in London. Finally, after more than two years, he was back. He hadn't meant to stay away for so long, but…well. It didn't really matter anymore. Things were going to be different now.
His face broke into a rare grin—the sort that would cause the ovaries of any fangirl or fanboy to spontaneously combust into a million pieces—and he chuckled to himself.
"Sherlock Holmes is #Reichenback, baby!"