After the Divorce
note: this is Ivan's PoV before he stranded in Britannia Angel's online dating was gone and he left alone.
I never know what I have until it's gone. No, actualy the 'it' not thing but the 'it' I talk about is my precious one. He left me 30 years ago and I still feel guilty for what happened between us. It's not the unification between us that makes me sorry but the things I did to him that made him left me.
Each and everyday I never knew what he meant for me and I just keep doing something wrong to him. No wonder he left, but in our short marriage I dare to say, I'm not completely insane, eh...wait I'm insane, I'm mad since everything I did he never showed that he loved me back. I'm not blaming it to him though, our 'marriage' was arrange not something 'I like you let's get married'. He always afraid of me, he even threw our wedding ring when the 'marriage paper' being signed.
In the end of summer, he left me when I opened my eyes in one morning I never want to remember, I was left alone again.
I sigh and gaze over my house which usualy has him inside and made everything bright. Now, it's all seems so old and dull not forgetting the boring aura it has, it needs to re-paint but when I only have myself to occupy the house, I feel it's so useless to re-paint it.
Actualy rarely pay attention to my housing situation, before he came, when I had him inside the house or after he left, since I only thought that as long as I have my house as my place to sleep and shelter me from the snow ouside, I don't mind it being dull or something. But then I remember he always scold me because of my ignorance.
"What is this, aru?"
"My home, is there any problem YaoYao?, from today you will stay here"
"This is what you called home, aru?," He put his hands on his hips. "This thing really needs total renovation, aru!!,"
"Well then, if you don't mind do you want to renovate it for me?," I smiled and he knitted his eyebrows .
"What do you mean, aru?"
"Since you already here, cheer my home with your presence, da"
I smile and sit in front of the book shelf, something I never touch this past 30 years. He always arranged and cleaned it, I'm afraid to spoil his touch there. My eyes gaze from left to right, up to below, it's in perfect order and somehow I spot something that wasn't there before he arrived.
Diary
It's something that written on the cover when I decided to see what is that book actualy. I'm unsure whether to open it or not, since maybe it's personal to my ex-wife. My heart beats uncontrolable and slowly my gloved hand reach the book. I feel bad but I feel worse if I don't open it, worse for my curiousness.
"I'm sorry, Yao..."
I started to read sentence per sentences. Most of his writing consist his hatred on me and something about 'runaway' written in most of his diary entries. All of his entries make my heart and eyes sting. Reflected my fault on his writing, I silently cried, is there's nothing in our marriage that made him happy, I'm such bad bad bad husband.
Another last page flipped and I continue to prepare myself being stabbed by unseen knife. Another sentence per sentence make me blink my eyes to reduce the tears. I really can't believe what he wrote there, on our last day together.
I don't know if I really want this
Being with him in this past 10 years makes me realize that I can't leave him alone. He's an egoist child that trapped inside adult body. His pattern of 'angry and punishment if he doesn't get what he want' really reminds me to one of my siblings, such stubborn.
I regret that in this marriage, I refuse to know him better, I know he always cried when he thought I was sleep and somehow I also feel the guilt since I can't return his feelings. He always said 'I love you' repeatedly to me, but I just feel numb about him. I don't know his term of love if he has his love on me but why he always abusing me?
too much question about him, I don't dare to ask...
To be honest, I can't help to feel joy when he smile and wants to cry when I hear him sob. I can not hate him even though my mouth says so....
In the end, I still don't know whether I want the divorce but if my boss said so then I have to comply and pass the change to know him further, 10 years is not enough though...save for the wild sex we always had
For now I guess I'll try to move on and try to enjoy my soon to be free self. If Tian above destined us to cross path once again, I hope I can understand him better.
I brush the tears from my eyes and cheek even though the tears keeps falling down. I'm glad at last he isn't hating me and forgive me. Yes, he's right about the move on, I guess I'll do the same, if the God above decides we can re-unite again then let it be His secret.
I put the diary back to the book shelf and look around while the tears already changed into smile. It seems I really need to re-paint all the house.
note: Ivan's last decision for re-painting the house pointed changing in his mind to move on :D
btw I thanked a reviewer who reminds me about how many netters in China atm :) but in Blind Date I'm writing about Wang Yao as human not the country, ugh this is confusing. Once again thank you so much :)