Author's Note: This general storyline was the first headcanon I ever came up with for the Bartlets when I first watched the show, and I was finally in the right emotional place to tackle this story. I was a little disappointed that after the tension between Jed and Abbey following Zoey's kidnapping, we never see any real resolution between them. Abbey comes back to the White House when Jed shut down the government, and they're just sort of fine after that. So this story picks up right after the scene in the kitchen when Abbey arrives in the Residence. I apologize in advance for feelings. I cried a lot when I wrote this.
Lost
Abbey walked into the bedroom of the Residence and paused. The walls she had carefully built up during the flight from New Hampshire came crashing down as she stood in that room. The last time she had been there was when Zoey had been returned to her, though she hadn't slept there. She had slept on the couch in the living room with Zoey lying in her arms. The next day, they had both gone to the farm.
For Abbey, being back in that bedroom brought back the wave of emotion she had felt for those awful, awful days when Zoey was gone. The worst days of her life. And she made it even worse. Jed had tried so hard to be there for her, to comfort her in any way he could. But their daughter had been kidnapped because of him and the terrible things he had done as President of the United States. He blamed himself. And Abbey blamed him too.
For not the first time, Abbey had felt betrayed by her husband because of the position he held. The rational part of her brain told her that everything he did was for the best; he was doing the best he could, and he almost always made the right choice and did a lot of good. But the darker, louder part of her just repeated to her over and over that he valued his job more than his family. That rational side knew that wasn't true. Jed loved her and their girls more than anything, and he was a wonderful father and husband. Even so, for those days that Zoey had been gone and in the days that followed when Abbey was back in New Hampshire, it was hard to remember.
Jed walked into the bedroom to find his wife standing stock still, staring into space. Her coat was halfway off her shoulders and her purse brushed the floor as it hung limp from her hand.
"Abbey?" he said softly.
She turned sharply. "Huh?"
"You okay?"
She opened her mouth to say yes, brushing off the question, but she stopped herself. "No. No I'm not. And I haven't been since Zoey's graduation."
Jed's eyes filled with a deep, visceral sadness that would have broken her heart if it wasn't broken already. But in this moment, after all that she had gone through over the past few weeks, she had not one ounce of sympathy for him. Because he had brought this on her, on their family.
"I'm glad you came," he said, choosing not to address what she had said.
"I'm not here because you asked. Because you didn't," she replied. Her voice was full of venom. He deserved to know exactly what he had done, not that he seemed to be interested in hearing about it.
Jed could see she had no intention of making up. No, Abbey was looking for a fight. After almost forty years, he could tell when she was baiting him. This was serious. Well, if it was a fight she wanted, he'd give her the biggest knock-out, drag-out one she'd ever experienced. "Then why did you come?" he asked, the ire rising in his tone.
"I came because Leo asked me to. You shut down the damn government! And so I came to serve my country in its hour of need. Isn't that why we're here, Jed? To serve? No matter what the cost?"
"So that's what this is about, huh? Me dragging you to the White House and ruining your life? Taking away everything that ever meant anything to you? Is that what I've done, Abigail?" he shouted.
Abbey threw her coat and purse to the ground. "Now that you mention it, YES! That's exactly what you did. You got it in your head that you wanted to be President. So I said okay and supported you and helped you get here, just like how I postponed my life for three years so you could go to London, and how I cut my hours at the hospital to be at campaign events for every goddamn office you've ever run for, how I've followed you all around the country without ever being asked, because YOU had to save the world."
"That's not what this is about," he protested.
"Yes it is! God, I have never understood how you could be so selfish and so selfless at the same time. It's exhausting! You want to help everyone. You want to fix everything. But it has to be you that does it. Do you know what that feels like, to watch you try to do all of that? And to know that I can't do ANYTHING!? I'm just along for the ride. We all are, everyone in your holy shadow. The only victim used to be our privacy and my career. But this time it was Zoey, Jed. Our daughter! You practically offered her up like Iphigenia, so General Agamemnon could win his wars and defeat his enemies."
Nothing she had ever said to him wounded him like that. He had never heard that kind of resentment and disgust in her voice. For perhaps the first time in his life, Josiah Bartlet had no words. He stood there in front of her, staring at the ground under his feet.
Abbey realized what she had done. She had wanted him to understand how hurt she was and how lost. She had wanted him to feel even half of the torture she had been going through. And she had succeeded. She had broken him the way only she could, the way a person gets broken when the one person they trust beyond all others betrays them in the deepest of ways.
She moved to the bed and sat down, dropping her face in her hands and groaning. Abbey looked up to see Jed watching her. He looked afraid to say or do anything. "When did we become these people? How did this happen to our marriage?" she asked him. Her voice cracked.
"Our daughter was kidnapped. People don't come back from that. Not really. I just didn't think that applied to us." His voice was barely above a whisper.
"Neither did I. But that's not what this is, Jed. This happened a while ago."
"What do you mean?"
Abbey stood up again, ready for the next round. "You stopped talking to me. We used to talk on the phone at least once a day. Usually more. I knew everything that went on in this place, even when I was thousands of miles away. But somewhere along the way, maybe it was when the MS thing broke or the reelection campaign. I don't know. But at some point, we stopped doing that. I started going for days without hearing your voice. I figured not picking up the phone was better than interrupting you. And even when I was here, you stopped telling me things. What did I do to make you stop telling me things?" Her voice was regaining strength with every word. Strength and volume. "What the hell did I ever do to lose your trust? What could I have done to be a better First Lady to you, Mr. President?"
"Knock it off," he shouted. "You know damn well that's not what this is. When did I stop telling you things, Abbey? When did you stop being on my side?"
"What?! When have I EVER stopped being on your side?"
"Oh gee, I dunno, maybe any time I ever had a thought in my head that wasn't what you wanted. I wanted to run for reelection. 'We had a deal, Jed!'" he said, imitating her voice in a nasty mocking tone.
"I was right next to you every place you campaigned. Every single place! Don't you dare claim I wasn't with you. It might take me some time, but I am ALWAYS on your side, despite my better judgment to the contrary."
"See? That's it. Right there. I shouldn't have to convince you to support me. You're my wife, for Christ's sake! I have to convince Congress and the American public to be on my side. I used to think you were the one person I didn't have to worry about!"
"So you stopped trusting me with things?"
"Yes! Because of this! Because of this right here! Do you know how hard my job is already without coming to a judgmental wife and explaining every goddamn thing I do?"
"Then what do you want from me, Jed!?"
"LOVE ME, DAMMIT!" he bellowed.
The suddenness of the volume and intensity of his voice made her jump slightly. She shook her head as tears started to spill from her eyes. "Don't you get it, you idiot? I couldn't possibly love you any more than I do. I love you so much, it kills me a little bit every day. This life that you chose, that we built together, that we fought so hard for you to get…this life is destroying you. And I can't help you with that, not if you won't let me." Tears streamed down her face.
"I want you to help me, Abbey," he admitted. His voice cracked as he said her name. He cleared his throat and took a shaky breath. Jed walked past her and sat down on the bed where she had sat minutes earlier. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looking up at her. His blue eyes still held that distraught look in them. "I am so lost."
She wiped her eyes and came to sit beside him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I know you are. I'm sorry I left when you needed me most."
"No, I'm sorry. I've hurt you. Which is something I swore to you and to your father and to God above that I would never do."
Abbey shrugged and sniffed back more tears. "Hazard of the job. Hazard of living, really. But you know what? I've been lost, too. I've spent so much time blaming you and being mad at you for making me this lost, but I've decided that I'd much rather be lost with you than lost alone. At least when we're together we stand a chance of finding our way again. How does that sound to you?"
He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his embrace. "Sounds pretty good to me." Jed pressed a kiss to the top of her head and inhaled her sweet scent. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too. I've missed you for a long time."
They sat side by side, holding each other close for a while. Neither of them said a word for quite some time. Sometimes there aren't words.
"Jed?" Abbey said finally.
"Yeah?"
"I didn't mean what I said earlier."
"When?"
"You know when. The Homer reference. That was cruel and I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it, at least a little bit."
"In my darkest moments, yes. I did mean it," she admitted. "But I know better. I know you better."
"Even so, I'm going to tell you right now that under no circumstances would I sacrifice you or Liz or Ellie or Zoey for anything. Ever."
Abbey hugged him tight. "I know," she whispered. "I promise I know. And so do they. And so does anyone else in the world."
They reverted back to silence.
"We're gonna be okay, right?" he asked after a while.
She smiled. "Of course we are. We're gonna try harder, right? Both of us?"
"You bet," he promised. And he meant it. He hadn't really realized the toll the last few years had taken on their relationship. He had spent so much time assuming that, unless they were actively fighting, they were fine. He had been too busy to realize how wrong he was.
Abbey took his face in her hands and kissed him softly. "I love you, you know," she told him, echoing the words she had used the first time she told him she loved him.
He smiled. His eyes were bright. The pain she had seen since she had arrived in the White House had finally faded.
"Valde te amo, et nunc et in perpetuum," he told her reverently. I love you very much, now and forever.
Yes, they would be okay. When two people love each other so much that it hurts, sometimes it does just that. It hurts. But the love between Jed and Abbey would only grow deeper and stronger, filling the gaps between them. If nothing else, they had faith in that.