Disclaimer: If I owned Doctor Who, River would be a lot less Mary Sue. Actually she probably might not exist at all.
A/N: Story starts with Eleven, but after this prequel it's all Ten and Rose. Eleven is going to behave rather unhinged, but that's sort of the point.
I have no beta! :O I think my biggest problem is tenses. And Whofics are even worse than usual. So, hope I don't bomb, and hope you enjoy!
The Doctor entered his TARDIS and kicked the console in pure frustration. In delirium his hand went up to his bowtie and nearly dislocated his axis from the rest of his vertebrae as he ripped it off and threw it across the console room.
'Don't be alone' she had said.
Don't bleeding flip be alone!
"Oh, great advice Amelia." The Doctor screamed into empty space.
Being alone was all he's been for the past few centuries. Ever since he was forced to pull genocide of his own people he had been alone!
The Doctor ran through his ship with no clear destination in mind. He didn't want to think! Suddenly he barreled into a door as he took a sharp turn around a corner. The door opened and he stumbled in. Suddenly his senses were immediately bombarded with a familiar but half-forgotten scent. And pink. Lots and lots of pink.
All of the Doctor's frustration bled out and left behind a deep gaping melancholy hole in his chest. The Doctor sighed and took a framed picture and sat down on the bed. The picture had a man and a woman in it. The man was grinning from ear-to-ear and had his arm wrapped around the woman. The woman also had a grin, but it wasn't particularly visible as she was also kissing the man's cheek. If one didn't know better one would say with complete certainty than the people on the picture were lovers.
The Doctor sighed. He remembered when that picture was taken. It was possibly during the happiest time of his life.
"I wasn't always alone, Amy. I had… her." Doctor sighed again as he traced the woman in the frame.
He had been so terribly alone when he first became the last of his kind. But that didn't last for very long. He met his completely wondrous pink-and-yellow human, who steadily washed away his loneliness and replaced it with near-bliss.
He liked traveling with her since the beginning, and before he knew it he had started to fall in love. Rose was the biggest mystery. She was so simple and so special at the same time. And she was the only one ever to make the Doctor fall truly in love. It was impossible to say when he had fallen. The dalek in van Statten's 'museum' called Rose 'the woman he loves', but Doctor wasn't entirely sure that he loved her like that quite yet. Oh, certainly he had strong attachment and affection (even a healthy dose of attraction) by then, but doubtful he was actually in love.
Maybe he fell when Jack came aboard? Or Adam even? However by the time of Game Station he had fallen hard for his pink-and-yellow human girl, but like hell was he going to admit to it. Even to himself.
No, he only admitted it when he got stuck in renaissance France with no way back to his hearts. But even if he openly admitted the truth to himself, under realization he would never see her again, there was no way he was going to admit it to Rose.
"Moron." Doctor berated himself.
He should've told her. He'd never told her because he knew one day he would loose her. Either she died of old age, or found someone else, or was killed, or simply walked away, she would eventually have to be separated from him.
"Like that matters." Doctor snorted derisively.
He never told her the truth because he didn't want to be hurt. It wasn't until years later that he realized that whether or not he had told her loosing her would've hurt just the same. All he had now was regret of what could-have-beens, however brief that would've been.
He had so many opportunities, even when it seemed it should've been impossible, but he flushed them all down the crapper. Rose just kept coming back. Until he just shoved her away to his clone, effectively stopping her (very successful) attempts of returning to him. Wonder how they're doing? If they're happy? Married with children?
Married.
The Doctor flinched. He never loved and will never love anyone like Rose. Not even his own 'wife' River.
When he met her in the library and she whispered his name into his ear, he couldn't believe it. The only one he'd ever wanted to give his name to was Rose, which River was not. But the proof that he had/will do so was undeniable. So he felt a glimmer of guilty hope. That he would one day fall in love again, and be as happy as he used to be with her. But it was a fool's hope.
He did love River affectionately, but it was a very pale shadow compared to what he shared with Rose. And almost platonic, even. But honestly, he had only had his wedding with River because he knew he would anyway.
Yes, wedding, not marriage.
After the wedding with River he had left it open… unfinished. Incomplete. Speaking your name to your spouse-to-be was only the first step in a true Time Lord union. Consummation was also necessary. While he had actually slept with River a couple of times, he hadn't actually 'consummated'. For this the couple would link their minds, laying completely bare before one another, and form an unbreakable bond.
After his wedding the Doctor had held on to foolish hope that River would eventually burrow her way into his scarred hearts like Rose had and replace her. He had given up on that ridiculous notion a long time ago by now.
The Doctor had never admitted this to anyone, least of all to River. What's the point? He would only bring her grief. Better to stew away in his guilt alone, and spare River's heart in oblivion.
The Doctor put the picture down again and pressed his face into Rose's pillow. It smelt like her. An imitation made by his TARDIS, of course. Her true scent had faded a long ago.
"What's the fucking point?!" He screamed out in frustration suddenly.
The TARDIS shook slightly, prudish about the Doctor's foul word. He murmured a quick apology and pushed off from the mattress. He turned the telly on for old times' sake (he and Rose used to semi-cuddle and watch movies on her bed) and it turned to some random alien soap opera. He rummaged on her shelf until he found a photo album and sat down on the bed again. He opened the leather bound book and looked at his sarcastically grinning ninth form with Rose.
But really what was the point in living anymore? The Ponds had kept him going, bringing a small ray of sunshine through the permanent thundercloud clad world his life had become. He had stretched his visits to them thin, trying to prolong their presence in his long life. And now they were gone too.
What was the point of living, if all there was any more was pain or, if he was lucky, empty apathy?
He should've let River shoot him to death by Lake Silencio for real.
"What are you saying? Where is our son!?" The purple alien from the telly demanded dramatically.
"He's gone!" The other alien wailed through tears.
"What do you mean gone? *gasp* Oh no, you mis-miscarried?" The first alien demanded. Wow, that was some bad acting, even for a soap.
"No! I-I had an… abortion…"
Abortion, huh? The Doctor snorted and rolled his eyes. When one mentioned 'abortion' everyone would universally think of the termination of a pregnancy. Except if you're from Gallifrey. Pregnancies were never terminated, mostly because they were near non-existent. The only time when a natural pregnancy would occur it would be to a married couple, sometimes not even then. And considering how often people got married on that planet… Well, it would be extremely lucky to have even a single natural birth per century.
Children of Gallifrey were genetically engineered in 'looms'. Or simply: loomed. Usually they were considered as cousins loomed into the same family, but sometimes a child would be loomed with the combined genetics of two Time Lords apart from their own family group. Those children were done usually as a sign of good faith of various business arrangements. Mostly their blood parents treated them no different from the rest of their cousins. Even the Doctor was like that with his own son. It wasn't until his granddaughter Susan that his paternal nature came to be.
But the point stands: every single child was planned. Even the naturally born ones.
Ergo, no abortion.
Well, the concept did exist, but it was completely different from what the rest of the universe saw it as.
One could actually abort their own timeline. The termination of one's own existence.
Ironically Rose had actually managed to pull off a variation once, by complete accident. It was when she saved her father's life when he was supposed to die. The existence of her past self and past Doctor were eradicated. Extremely foolish thing to accomplish, but impressive nonetheless.
Naturally such a thing was not legal at all. However there lied the tricky part. There was no way to determine who had committed an 'abortion'. Whenever an abortion was done it sent a ripple through time that every Time Lord was able to pick up on easily, however determining who the person is to commit such an atrocity was impossible, since they literally erased themselves from ever existing after a certain point of time.
The Doctor was once accused of such. That was the whole Valeyard debacle, but since the Valeyard never actually faded nothing was ever proven.
"Should I go back in time and try to kill myself to be spared the pain?" The Doctor asked out loud, and realized with a shock that he was actually considering it. "Keep it up, old man, and you actually will become the Valeyard."
The possibility of an abortion had always completely boggled the Doctor's mind when he was younger. But lately he had begun to understand it. Life can become so low you honestly won't care if you cease to exist- or even actually come to crave it.
Suddenly a metaphoric lightbulb ignited over the Doctor's head.
"Rose gave me a sense of true purpose, and happiness in my bleak existence. I've never wanted to live without her ever since meeting her. So… why should I?!"
The Doctor closed the album, threw it on the bed and rocketed out of Rose's room towards the console room.
The TARDIS gave a warning and slightly frantic hum.
"Oh, come on, Old Girl. I know you miss her too! You always favored her ever since she first stepped through your doors." The Doctor replied, crazed. "I just don't care about anything any more. I want her back!"
Lights flickered in response hesitantly.
"You're a TARDIS, you'll remember. Make sure I take care of her, alright? And it's not like you'll lose me either."
Flicking knobs and switches he hurled her across the vortex gleefully, to London, England 2012.
"Showoff." Eleven accused his younger counterpart.
"Sorry, do I know you?" Ten blinked at the bizarre tweed wearing young man.
"You ought to, but not really." Eleven wrinkled his nose. "Converses with a suit. What was I thinking?"
Ten's mouth fell open.
"You! What on Earth do you think you're doing here?!" He asked angrily. Meeting yourself was never a good thing. Especially for him, since he never likes himself. Mostly because he's used to being the cleverest person in the room.
"I need to talk to you." Eleven said frankly.
"You shouldn't." Ten frowned, seriously. "…unless we're in a circular paradox?"
"We're not, but I just don't give a flying fuck any more."
Ten's eyebrows rose to his hairline. He didn't know what surprised him more: the fact that his older counterpart doesn't care he's risking a hole in the universe, or his crass use of language.
"What are you-?"
"Y'know, you never get to tell Rose Tyler how you really feel about her." Eleven cut him off.
Ten's face turned grim.
"I know. I can never tell her."
Eleven rolled his eyes. "That's complete bull. You can, you should, you just don't because you're a moron!"
Yep, he never got along with himself.
"Hey!" Ten protested. "You know very well why-".
"Yeah, yeah, she's human, she's gonna die. Boo hoo!" Eleven snarked. "Well, guess what? You're going to lose her one way or another, doesn't matter how. But the thing is, losing her without her knowing how you feel about her is not going to hurt any less!" He ended with a scream.
Ten blinked. "What are you talking about?" He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know.
"Whether you tell her how you feel or not isn't going to matter in the end as far as pain is concerned. All that there is now, is more regret I didn't enjoy my time with her to the fullest." The crazy glint in Eleven's eyes had dulled and he suddenly looked so very defeated. "Especially since you would loose her soon, too."
Ten flinched at the thought, then tensed up as a sudden epiphany struck.
"What are you doing here, exactly?" He asked carefully, afraid he might know the answer.
Eleven sent Ten a bland look. "Abortion" He replied bluntly.
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!" Ten exploded.
"Oh, yes." Eleven nodded absentmindedly. "Must be. And it's getting harder and harder to care, really."
Eleven looked at his hand that had started to slowly disappear already. The sight absolutely unnerved Ten, but Eleven was smiling serenely. "And it looks like its working."
"If you succeed you will cease to exist." Ten cautiously tried to reason with his older counterpart.
"That's exactly the point." Eleven exclaimed and looked up from his partly non-existing hand into Ten's eyes. "This isn't about getting a possibly better future for you. I just don't want to exist the way I have any more."
The pain in Eleven's tone took Ten by surprise. He had seen a lot of pain in his lifetimes, but this went beyond pain. Eleven was broken beyond hope of repair.
"Why now? Why not when we almost stopped Daleks from ever existing?"
The look of surprise crossed Eleven's face, and he looked at Ten as if he should've known the answer already. "Well, yes I guess I could have. Of course I could have." He smiled wistfully. "But then we may have never met Rose Tyler."
Ten hung his head and wanted to disagree with Eleven's logic, but found himself incapable. The fact remained that he wouldn't trade Rose for anything. Not even the pain of the Time War and his own race. Now, that is just sad. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Ten reflected on his feelings for Rose.
He eyed Eleven's slowly dissipating arm.
"You said I'm going to… might loose Rose soon?"
Eleven grinned widely. Ten had accepted his decision.
"Soon she's going to have a choice to make. Whatever that choice is going to be you are going to abide by it." Eleven advised Ten seriously. "And when you're literally holding on for your lives, remember, for god's sake remember, that YOU HAVE A SONIC SCREWDRIVER!" Ten jumped in surprise as Eleven screamed the last part.
Eleven smiled. "Good luck." He said and disappeared completely.
For a moment Ten just stood there in silence.
"Listen to what Rose wants and I have a sonic screwdriver." He nodded. "Gee thanks Future Me, that wasn't cryptic at all. Everything is just so clear now." He said out loud, his tone dripping with sarcasm.
But Eleven left more food for thought behind than the extremely foggy advice. And if he's serious enough to actually attempt and succeed an abortion, then his words were nothing to dismiss.
A/N: Has anyone noticed the Doctor's been behaving steadily more and more insane the further the show goes? Well, either that's the writers' plan, or they just suck at writing proper Who. Both are rather tragic, if you think about it.
Anyway, like I said my version of Eleven is even more frazzled, but I doubt he'd have done what he did unless he was pushed off the edge.
Thanks for Reading.
Feedback Appreciated.