There's a Man in the Habit of Hitting Me on the Head with a Baseball Bat
Based on the short story, "There's a Man in the Habit of Hitting Me on the Head with an Umbrella" by Fernando Sorrentino.
Inspired by Explosm's webcomic "Cyanide & Happiness" #355.
There's a man in the habit of hitting me on the head with a baseball bat. At first it was not clear as to what his purpose was. Still, it's not clear.
I don't know his name. I don't know where he comes from. I know he always wears a orange and yellow striped shirt. He has denim shorts and blond hair. He does seem a little different than others, but once or twice you see someone who looks as if they're from the same game.
I met him one decent morning. I was reading the Smash Bros. Times, the local Smash newspaper, reading about Super Smash Bros. 4, when suddenly I felt a tap on my head. I looked back, and he was there with his favorite weapon. I don't think he was ever trying to hurt me, but if he was trying to annoy me, he succeeded.
And it was really annoying. I asked him if he was mentally impaired. He probably didn't hear me, or understand me. I tried punched him in the face, only a bruise. I gave him a little taze, he flinched a little. I tazed him a lot, and he squirmed around a lot. As soon as I stopped, however, he continued the ceaseless amount of light blows to my upper face.
Convinced that this man was mentally damaged, I tried to flee. Wherever I went, though, the man always caught up with me. I ran through Delfino Plaza. I ran over the Bridge of Eldin. I ran into Green Greens. I ran around Hanenbow (which is nearly impossible to get through). Whenever I looked back, he was there. Whenever I stopped for a quick breath, he continued his habit.
I thought if I should consult the local authorities. But I didn't even know if there were local authorities. Then I thought, if there even were local authorities, how do I know that there should be local authorities? Who knows.
So I didn't consult the local authorities, mostly because I didn't know where to start. The other part was because I started to feel affection for the poor man. It didn't seem like he had a life, but still he was mortal. As far as I know, he never eats anything, drinks anything, or sleeps at all. But when I punched him in the face, he had a bruise. If I gave him a hard enough blow, he would most likely cease existence.
But I never wanted to kill anyone. I wasn't even sure if that was possible in this particular fictional world. But if he finds happiness in what he's doing, he deserves to have that happiness. Unless he was dead. But I'm still not sure if people can die. Oh, well.
So it stayed. I ate, I worked, I slept, all with the man right behind me, armed with a baseball bat. People stared with humour at the me and the man. They never asked questions. I never said anything.
It's been almost a week now. And I'm quite fed up.
"There's a Man in the Habit of Hitting Me on the Head with a Baseball Bat!"
Princess Peach looked confused. "Uh, Toad?" she said, "Do you understand what he just said?"
A Pikachu had just stormed in her castle with Lucas. But Lucas wasn't really doing anything. It seemed he just had a habit of hitting Pikachu on the head with a baseball bat.
A Toad translator came quickly with the translated translation, "He said that, 'There's a Man in the Habit of Hitting Me on the Head with a Baseball Bat.'"
Princess Peach pondered on the situation for a moment. "Well," she said, "if you're looking for someone to discipline Lucas, although it seems rather a strange transgression, if it is a transgression." She stopped to think, "Have you gone to Smash Kingdom yet?"
Toad translator translated. Pikachu said stuff. Toad translator translated again.
"Well, you're in Marioland right now, Pikachu. This is a different game that Smash. You're gonna have to go all the way back to your game if you want this ... strange thing ... resolved."
Pikachu mentally cursed Luigi for making him come here. Then Pikachu mentally cursed himself for asking Luigi. Luigi was just as mentally injured as Lucas.
Princess Peach watched Pikachu storm out. She felt sorry. Then she had fun with Mario.
"It seems that there's a man in the habit of hitting Pikachu on the head with a baseball bat," remarked Zelda.
"Yes," remarked Princess Peach.
"And you want for Lucas to be disciplined?"
Pikachu nodded.
"Very well. Get Petey Piranha or somthing."
Lucas was forcibly removed from Pikachu by the local authorities and put in battle with Petey Piranha. Lucas tried to escape the battle and go to Pikachu, but the local authorities overpowered him. Thus, Lucas went against local authorities instead of Petey Piranha. Things got fierce once Mr. Game & Watch joined in.
But Petey Piranha never needed to do anything. The unstoppable authority of the local authorities managed to control Lucas, and with permission from Zelda, they threw him in the Doomgeon. What's a Doomgeon? Something you don't have the authority to know. Only the authority of the local authorities, and Zelda, know what it is.
And Master Hand, of course. Master Hand knows everything. Master Hand knows where you sleep. It likes to touch itself when you do so.
After the incident that was portrayed poorly in this fiction, Zelda showed concern from having to throw Lucas into the Doomgeon. No one ever had to be thrown in the Doomgeon. Which is why Zelda also thought about why they even have a Doomgeon. At least now it has a use, Zelda thought.
She also thought if Lucas' mental spoiling had anything to do with Luigi's sudden mental corruption. She knew that Luigi was always mentally destroyed, but the doctors at the local authorities have insisted that Luigi has become much more mentally distraught.
"If people are starting to become mentally unable," she thought, "something bad is happening. And when bad things are happening, it's no good." Zelda thought she must be getting retarded too.
"This man in the habit of hitting people on the head with a baseball bat really concerns me."
"Really?"
"Yeah," said Zelda, "like if something's strange in your neighborhood. If there's something weird, and it don't look good. Who should I call?"
Princess Peach didn't have to think, "The local authorities!"
"No, I mean like if you're seeing things, running through your head. An invisible man, sleeping in your bed. Who should I call?"
"An invisible man?"
"Well, not really," Zelda said, "it just seemed catchy. You know, like in a song or something."
Princess Peach, like all people of power, thought carefully, "If it's that serious, you should consult Master Hand."
"Consult Master Hand? But that hasn't been done in 4398046500000 years!"
"Then consult the local authorities. You know they have lots of authority."
Like you have just expected, Zelda consulted Master Hand. She did some stuff with is, at this point, classified information by the local authorities. But then she got to the part when Master Hand appears with the cool entrance and stuff in a recluse room deep within the Smash Kingdom.
"Welcome, your honor."
"WHO DOES DARE DISTURB MY ORGASM!"
"Slumber, sir, you mean slumber."
"WHAT!"
Zelda thought it would be better to just answer his questions instead of keeping this fiction K+12 rated, "I, Zelda, disturb your slumber."
"WHAT IS YOUR ********** PURPOSE IN DISTURBING ****** SLUMBER!"
"Oh, Master, my intuition tells me there is a great disturbance in the Smash kingdom."
"AND WHY **** IS THAT?"
"Strange things have been happening. Lucas has an unusual habit of hitting people in the head. Luigi has become mentally unstable."
"THOSE SOUND LIKE ****** NORMAL **** THINGS."
"Yes, sir. But it's gotten worse."
"**********************."
So, Master Hand left the conversation because he had "MORE ****** IMPORTANT THINGS TO ******* DO."
Zelda went back to Princess Peach, "I remember why we haven't consulted Master Hand in so long."
"Why?"
Zelda didn't say anything.
Later that day, Kirby was sent to the Doomgeon for clogging the toilet. "It wasn't my fault!"
"So what are we going to do about this man in the habit of hitting people on the head with a baseball bat?"
"Do you have any ideas?"
Zelda and Peach were in a dilemma.
"Perhaps we should ask Tabuu."
"Tabuu?! He's an enemy!"
"Yes, but, if something wrong really is going on, Tabuu should know about it."
"Like he would ever tell us."
Zelda didn't listen to Peach. Later that day, she organised an expedition to Tabuu. Peach said it would cost too much money. But who cares about money when you have the local authorities. They have so much authority, people give them money.
So, the expedition started. Mario, Pit, and Link (of course) were decided to lead. In order to get to Subspace, however, 2 R.O.B.s and a Subspace bomb would have to be sacrificed. Luckily, they found some spares in the back of the Halberd cargo hold. Meta Knight didn't how they got there. So he blamed Snake.
Mario, Pit, and Link sat in wait at some unknown desert, a considerable distance from the 2 R.O.B.s. They were both writing farewell letters to their R.O.B. parents, their R.O.B. siblings, their R.O.B. friends, colleagues, acquaintances, cousins, grandparents, second cousins, great grandparents, enemies, and children. When they were done (which took almost a year and a half), they embraced each other with tears in their eyes, and got ready to explodinate into the great abyss of light known as death.
Mario and Pit weren't even relatively close when it occurred. Link was sleeping, as usual. When Link did wake up, he realized that his feet were already inside subspace. Later, he said, "It feels like someone is molesting you. Almost as if something is tickling you."
"How often do you get that feeling?"
"W-what feeling?"
"That someone is molesting you."
Link didn't answer. Wario knew why. "Heh heh heh..."