Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
Artist: Relient K
"Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it. See that line. Well I never should have crossed it. Stop right there. Well I never should have said that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back."
Chapter 1
Adam:
I gripped the sides of the sink and let the water run. I tried to steady myself. My anger was consuming me. I knew I had to calm down; I refused to let my rage get the best of me...not again, not after what happened the last few times. I needed to get myself in check. I splashed water on my face and looked at my reflection. I looked the same as I always have: wide eyes with a boyish face. No one would ever expect this of me, least of all myself.
My hands were still red around the knuckles, cut on some fingers. I ran them under the cold water. I tried to think back to how I got this way. When I was younger, I never had temper tantrums, growing up I never got into fights at school. Something changed when I got to high school. It all started with her. I guess my passion turned into obsession and I began lashing out on the person I loved the most.
Four months prior...
"Hey beautiful," I called out to Fiona after school. Even in the hideous uniforms we were all forced to wear, she looked like a model. I put my arm around her waist when I caught up with her. She smiled and snuggled closer to my side. She smelled different today. I could still smell her perfume but there was another scent like cologne.
"What? What is it?" she asked when I leaned in and sniffed her. "Part dog are you?" she said jokingly.
"No, you smell like cologne."
"Oh, yeah, I just ran into Sav. He gave me a hug, no biggie." She continued walking, whereas I stopped in my tracks. "Earth to Adam, come on!" She cocked her head to one side. Her cool blue eyes focused on me. "Hello! Are you okay? Let's go," she gave a nervous giggle. I put on a smile and walked to her. She took a hold of my hand and we headed over to the Dot.
We got a seat next to the window. I gazed out at the busy street watching as people did errands and store owners ran their shops. Fiona sat across from me looking around the cafe and sighed.
"This is such a lovely conversation we're having. Really it's overwhelming," she said sarcasticly. I looked over to her. Her face was detached and she wore a bored expression.
"Sorry, just have a lot on my mind." She stared at me, her eyes searching my face. Fiona placed her hands on top of mine.
"What's going on? Talk to me." Her pleading expression crushed me. I didn't want her worrying about me. It was stupid anyway.
"Nothing...it just bugged me a bit." My vague response brought her up short. I sighed and moved my hand from under hers. She looked hurt by my action but quickly recovered.
"Adam, what is it? Maybe I can help."
"I don't see how since you're the problem." I said it under my breath but I knew she could hear.
"Me? What did I do? I thought things were going well with us..." she trailed off.
I could see tears forming in her eyes and for some reason it irritated me. "Can we not make a scene? Please, just calm down."
Her eyes turned dark and she snatched her bag and left. Some people stared off after her, others flashed to me. I rolled my eyes and looked back out the window watching her retreating figure. My fingers drummed along to tabletop and angry waves started wash over me. She was overreacting. Or maybe I was...but it didn't matter. It did not change the way I felt in that moment. I could feel my hand ball into a fist and I stalked out of the Dot.
The fury I felt was an odd emotion. I never felt rage like that before but I welcomed it openly. I couldn't think of anything else other than going to her house and talking to her about everything. I wanted to settle this and clear the air. I was torn. One side of me was struggling to stay calm, the other was completely relaxed. It was the strangest feeling ever. The city streets were crowded and I pushed through people to get over to Fiona's. I was just a few blocks away. It got quiet on the residental streets. It was a nice day out; soft breezes could be felt. I reached her complex and rang the buzzer. I knew she had to be home. Where else would she have gone? Just then it buzzed back and the speaker sounded. "Adam?" she asked. "Yes, Fiona can we please talk?" My head was starting to pound and I was growing impatient. I shut my eyes at the pain and rubbed my temples.
"Okay, come on up," she answered back. The large front door buzzed and I opened it. The lobby of the complex was huge. The light, neutral colors and gold decorations were expensive. A large chandelier hung in the center of the spacious room. I walked over to the elevator and waited impatiently for one to arrive. Finally one did and I climbed inside. The crappy elevator music was working my last nerve. The classical music was meant to calm but it had the inverse affect on me. It only upset me more hearing the violins and flute. It felt like I was inside the elevator for eternity before it finally reached Fiona's floor. The doors opened and I hurried out of them. I walked down the long hallway. I could feel soft blue carpet underneath my feet as I practically sprinted down to her door. I stood in front and knocked. Seconds later she opened the door.
"Hi," she said softly. The rims of her eyes were tinged a light shade of red. I hated knowing that I had upset her enough to make her cry. She opened the door widely and turned back into her condo. I followed after and closed the door behind me. Fiona drifted over to the couch and sat with her legs tucked underneath her. She picked up a pillow and hugged it to her chest.
I took a seat beside her. I stared straight ahead at the coffee table. In the middle of the table was a glass bowl with small pebbles and a white scented candle. Fiona's fashion magazine littered the table and a box of tissue sat on the far edge.
" About what happened," I started. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that to you. You're not the problem...I am."
"I don't understand why you got so upset...I thought I did something wrong. I don't mean to hurt you, Adam." Her voice sounded small and timid.
"Please, don't feel bad. It's me and this stupid feeling..."
I could feel her move on the couch and come closer to me. She rested her head on my shoulder and clung to my arm. "What are you feeling?"
I wasn't sure how to say it. I decided to be blunt. "Jealous and frustrated,"I spat out. She got off of me and I turned to look at her for the first time since I came in.
"But why? You don't have any reason to be. I love you, Adam." Her cool blue eyes were confused. She tucked her long curls behind her ears. She was honestly the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. This only fueled the frustration.
"And I love you too but it just feels like...like at any minute I could lose you. You're amazing, every guy at Degrassi wants you-"
"But I don't want them!" She shook her head. "I only want you...why can't that be enough?"
I shook my head and breathed in deeply. "That doesn't matter."
"My love for you doesn't matter? My word doesn't matter? Adam seriously, you're overreacting. Is this because Sav hugged me earlier? That's just ridiculous. I don't like him like that and he's with Holly J...my best friend need I remind you. You're blowing this whole thig out of propor-"
"Don't tell me how to feel!" I snapped at her. She opened her mouth to speak but shut it quickly. She sat back in her seat. I could feel my hands shaking and I got up. I began pacing the room. Everything was blurring together and nothing made sense in my head. My eyes flashed to her. Fiona was still frozen as she kept her eyes on me. I let out a frustrated growl. I struggled to get a hold of my rage.
"Adam," she whispered. "Maybe...maybe you should go."
I continued pacing, ignoring her suggestion. I closed my eyes and blocked out everything. "Really Adam, you should go home. We can talk about this later." Her voice sounded closer than I expected it to be. When I opened my eyes she was standing a few feet away. "What's wrong? Why are you acting like this?"
She kept coming closer. "Fiona, get back please." I didn't want to be around her at all. i wanted to be calm, cool, and collected but it was apparent that was not going to happen.
"No. I want to know what's wrong." She looked at me with a defiant expression and stepped closer. "You're acting crazy right now!"
Her words triggered something in me. I let out a sarcastic laugh. "You have no idea how crazy I could really be." She rolled her eyes and closed the distance. She stood right in front of me, her clear eyes focused on me.
"You really need to calm down. You're making something out of nothing. God, what's wrong with you?"
I don't remember what happened next. My mind blacked out for a moment, but somehow Fiona ended up on the ground, clutching the side of her face as tears poured and she screamed at me to get out.