Hand over the bong saber and fill it with weed.
By. Alia Kenobi
Obi-Wan Kenobi sat within a small growth of flowering trees. He let the tripling sounds of the nearby stream and intermittent rustling of leaves coerce him into a meditative state. Obi-Wan Kenobi never let the knowledge that this environment was entirely artificial seep into his mind. He did not think about the fans inside the walls blowing air into the room, or the vast lighting banks above him. Instead he let his mind drift into the happy oblivion of the force. He drifted deeper and deeper, until there was no self, until all the remained was the light of the force...
"humm" said Yoda as the elderly Obi-Wan Kenobi took a chair. You could hear the groans and faint creaking of old bones proliferating the room as he did so."Master, I never thought I would get this old." Said Obi-Wan, his voice quivering, a mere whisper in the myriad space of the once great Jedi Temple common room.
Long ago this had been a place of the Jedi, filled with the ubiquitous presence of the force and its light sided users. Now, however, this place is an empty shell filled only with the echoes of a time passed by.
Yoda smiled wryly. "Now you know how it feels... wait until 800 years old you be? "
"Yes master, why are we here anyway? "Asked Obi-Wan with little interest.
"Stash I had hidden here, yes. "
"Stash master?"
"Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan, need you to loosen up, think I."
"master?"
"The Jedi's power comes from but to sources, know you what they are?" Asked Yoda with a slight quirk framing his lips.
"Yes master the force..."
"And Pott!" Yoda interrupted.
"Pott master?" Asked Obi-Wan his voice so innocent that you could not but help accept his innocence in the matter.
"Yes, yes, a lesson you should have learned younger I think. But, never too late it is to learn humm." Yoda answered.
"But master you're talking about drugs, nonetheless illegal drugs!"
"So." Yoda said sarcastically, "Right I am, drugs make Jedi, Jedi." Yoda shook his head left and right. "Kenobi should know this, your master tell you this he did not?"
"No master, he always spoke against such things."
"HA, Qui-Gon could never hold his liquor. Destroyed his outlook on life it did." Yoda pressed a panel on the wall. The small panel in the ceiling suddenly opened up and out of it fell a small bag of marijuana. But, before it could have fallen to the floor is stopped, and bounced up and down on a piece of string several times before coming to a halt about three feet off the ground.
Yoda smiled "once not on string Pott, on floor it was, many questions asked among those like Qui-Gon there were. Smarter after that I was." Yoda pressed another panel, this time a compartment on the wall opened revealing 12 strange orbs.
Each orb was about six inches in diameter and made of clear plas-steel. The bottoms of these orbs had been flattened so that they sat solidly on their shelving. The tops had a hole in them approximately an inch large. Above each orb was the name of each council member just before the fall of the Jedi.
"Take mine and master Mundi's you will." Yoda ordered. Quickly Obi-Wan responded, (you know that he could not respond any other way. Jedi are conditioned to answer Yoda's every whim.) Giving master Yoda to the two orbs. Yoda took them. Then with a smile Yoda took his light saber from his belt and screwed it into the orb.
"Uh..." Obi-Wan blinked in disbelief.
Yoda pressed another panel and another hidden compartment, this time revealing six glittering bottles of Jedi Bob's best vodka. The Yoda poured about a cup's worth of liquor into the contraption.
"Give you hard work Obi-Wan I will, important work! Sort these, seeds and stems you will." Obi-Wan raised eyebrow, but reluctantly followed the orders of his superior.
He Yoda in the meantime began to clean the resin, which he forgot to do the last time, out of the screen within his contraption.
"Master?" Asked Obi-Wan. "What is that contraption anyway?"
"Bong-saber it is, good bong-saber's are, good, good like it you will!"
He finished sorting and handed Yoda the three piles. The Yoda told Obi-Wan to keep the stems and seeds, because he could care less where they went. But, he did take the other pile, no one with out seeds or stems. The good pile. then Yoda placed sorted weed into the bong-saber. Smiling Yoda pressed the power button, the orb began to glow green.
Obi-Wan blinked.
Yoda took a hit..."cough, cough, shit good it is!!!" He exclaimed loudly. The Yoda then offered the bong-saber to Obi-Wan.
"Uh... No thank you master I'm fine." Replied Obi-Wan hastily.
"Will take " demanded Yoda.
"No, I think not."
Yoda looked thoughtful. "You will take a hit of the bong-saber." Yoda waved his hand through the air.
"I will take a hit of the bong-saber." Answered Obi-Wan and a monotone voice.
"Good, good. "Said Yoda with enthusiasm before handing Obi-Wan the bong-saber. Obi-Wan dutifully took a hit. Yoda smiled gleefully as Obi-Wan inhaled deeply. He Obi-Wan began to cough, but Yoda just smiled.
" shit good yes?" Asked Yoda.
Obi-Wan looked at Yoda his eyes were watery and the looked as if he had just escaped from a nest of gundarks. "Yeah, good shit, exactly." Obi-Wan said sarcastically, his voice harsh and rasp.
"See already working it is." Yoda took the bong-saber back. He took another hit. And held it. A minute later he was coughing again. And that the same time a big fat smile graced his face. Obi-Wan on the other hand looked horrified.
A few minutes later Yoda handed the bong-saber back to Obi-Wan. "Here take another hit you will. Prepare I will master Mundi's bong-saber for you. Good it will do you. Like sharing I do not. Mundi, mind not will he. Dead is he and all others."
"Master, I thought there was no death." Said Obi-Wan quietly.
"Death, no death. Matter of perspective it is." Yoda continued to fiddle with Ki Adi Mundi's bong saber. "Know full truth we will when that point reached it is. Hummm?"
"Yes, of course master." Obi-Wan answered dutifully
"Ah Ha!" Yoda exclaimed as he pressed the button on the bang-saber bringing it to a bright saber-blue light. "Here, take this you will, take many more hits you will, and talk we will… and give back my bong-saber you will."
Obi-wan took the blue bong-saber from Yoda and handed the green one back. Yoda then proceeded to take another hit. After a few seconds and a Yoda Death Stare Obi-Wan followed suet.
Obi-Wan looked up at the long winding crack in the ceiling. "Master, are you sure its safe to be here? I mean look at the ceiling." Obi-Wan implored.
"Eh. Been there that has since youth of mine. Remind me of gundark droppings it does." Yoda sighed as he reminisced. "Take another hit you will now."
"Yes Master…Cough." Obi-Wan continued to stare into the ceiling, transfixed. "I think it looks more like Batha podoo. You see the funny cracks on the side give it away."
"So it is Banta podoo…cough" Yoda's eyes looked twice their usual size. "If known Batha podoo it was, different choice would I have made."
"What choice?"
"Allow you to take on padawan I should not have." Yoda sighed as her inhaled some more of the green smoke billowing from the bong-saber. "if thought bantha poodoo, perhaps link would I have seen hummm."
Obi-wan raised his eyebrows. "What link?"
Yoda smiled wryly. "Both outer rim, Tattoine droppings they are!"
Obi-Wan's eyes opened widely as he took his first voluntary hit from the bong-saber. "Tattoine droppings, eh?" He asked.
"Well, expect another term for it? Question me you should not." Yoda pauses to take hit. "Bad news was he since beginning."
"Master, uh, perhaps you shouldn't…"
"When 800 years you be, have right you will to say as you please." Yoda's eyebrows rose. "Until then, have right I do, not you, to say what I please. Hummm."
"Yes master, I'm sorry master Yoda." Obi-Wan engulfed more of the smoke. "You know, I think this stuff is working. Cuz, all of this should really be bothering me."
Yoda's eyebrows rose as he took yet another hit. "Humm, bother you humm?"
"Yes master, you know me being and utter failure." Obi-Wan took a hit. "Nope, cough, doest bother me one bit."
"Failure you are not."
"Come on, let's face it. I don't exactly have the best of track records." Obi-Wan sighed as he stood up from his cross-legged position. "How many Jedi do you know, get kicked out of the order, quit the order, gets their master killed, has their apprentice turn to the dark side, and into a sith, has a huge role in the fall of the republic, then allows their darkside padawan to kill them in front of said padawan's son?" Obi-wan turned to look Yoda in the eyes.
"Hummm…" Yoda took another hit.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Thought I did that all of that happed to several different Obi-Wan's I did."
Obi-wan raised an eyebrow as he grabbed one of the bottles of Jedi Bobs, unscrewed the cap and proceeded to guzzle it down. "And, what is that supposed to mean."
"Unfortunate you have been Obi-Wan." Yoda paused. "Little you could have done to change the events of your like. Afraid I am that gypped you where."
Obi-Wan smiled sarcastically. "Oh, nice of someone to tell me now, what I have suspected my whole life."
"Yes, yes raw deal you have had. Unfortunate that so much has happened to you. But now, over it is." Yoda looked at his bong-saber and sighed. He was out of weed.
"Joy!" Obi-Wan said sarcastically. "I'm out too."
Yoda shook his head. "Even more unfortunate than your life this is, out of weed I am, as are you."
Obi-Wan's world stared to haze over. Suddenly he could smell flowers blooming and freshly mowed grass. He opened his eyes to look upon the Room of a Thousand fountains. The whole of it was fresh and alive; he could hear the laughter of a few padawans as they swam about in one of the large ponds. This place was home; it would never change, or at least he hoped it wouldn't.
He soon found himself roaming the hallways until he came to the common room. He looked up and as he had never seen before, Bantha Poodoo.