Blood pounded in Lexa's ears. How dare she? Sure, Clarke wanted to protect Octavia, wanted to trust her friend, but she had crossed a pretty clear line. Each word was a cut and Lexa had given her the blade by trying to open up to the girl. She was so stupid for telling her those things in the first place, for trying to trust her.
"Get. Out." She seethed.
Clarke wasn't about to back down. She was on a mission and she wasn't going to stop until she got what she wanted out of this encounter. And just what was that? Octavia's safety? An admission of truth? To prove that Lexa's decisions were the wrong ones?
"Two Hundred and fifty people died in that village. I know you felt for them," Clarke delivered the final blow. The most recent thing Lexa was killing herself about at night or in quiet spaces. It was like air floating from her lungs hearing the words out loud, especially coming from her. "But you let them burn."
Lexa didn't have anything to say. She tried to retort but nothing came out. She just swallowed and felt the words she most wanted to keep in fall out.
"Not everyone." It was just louder than a whisper. She felt sick with dread, but there was nothing she could do. Her last defense was already being said. "Not you." The truth was out and now she had to face whatever consequences it would bring.
Clarke took a step back, her eyes flicking from place to place. She was off put by this. By her. She had to be, why else wasn't she saying anything?
Lexa had to look away. She wasn't going to betray the hurt she felt if she could help it. Why had she said anything? It wasn't like she honestly thought Clarke would feel the same way.
"Well, if-"Clarke started to say. The blonde narrowed her eyes at Lexa in a look of either confusion or disgust. The commander feared it was a horrible mixture of both. "What?"
She didn't respond. She was uncertain if should could without completely betraying herself. If she could just hold it together through this exchange then maybe she could save face, but Clarke's eyes were on her. Questioning. Lexa felt as if she were shirking under the weight of her gaze.
"Forget I said anything." Lexa tried to sound commanding rather than looking for an escape. She made a motion to move to the side and do just that, but Clarke grabbed her arm.
Her heart fluttered, eyes on Clarke's hand, unsure if she should be angry or filled with anticipation. She closed her eyes. It was a stupid thought. The blonde was crossing lines. Lexa felt vulnerable and that was one thing she had vowed to never be, not when she felt so unsafe.
It was anger.
"I want a straight answer," Clarke sounded so sure of herself, as if whatever she asked of Lexa she could get it out of her. Of course she would think that way, when Lexa had just given her every reason to believe so. When she had bent under just a few harsh words. Stupid. "You care about me…?"
Lexa looked her in the eyes and spoke, trying to keep her voice firm. "You heard what I said." She wanted to be angry, but looking at her just made her feel sad and sick and weak. She tore her eyes away, turning her head to face some other direction, any other direction. Her voice was hoarse, "Now let go of me."
Clarke had a look of bewilderment on her face as if she had forgotten she had even grabbed her to begin with and stepped back. That didn't matter. Lexa wanted her to know she was mad. She brushed passed her, knocking her shoulder into the other girl's.
She stalked off to the little nook where her bed was, keeping her back to Clarke. That was childish. She was being childish. She needed to somehow salvage this, smooth it over, but she was not okay. She could not handle that. Not in the moment. She needed her to leave.
"Lexa," Clarke didn't seem to get that hint. That little shove had done it. She had gone from being either shocked or uncomfortable to being ticked off. The girl followed her across the tent space. "I'm just a little confused-"
"Then go be confused somewhere else." She urged her.
Clarke wasn't dropping it. She didn't seem to get that Lexa needed to calm down and needed space to do that, she just seemed to think she wanted to avoid her and erase it and it only made both of their frustration grow. "You can't just say something like that and then shut me out!"
"Stop telling me what I can and can't do, Clarke."
"I just don't get why you told me this and then-"
"You want to know why?" Lexa rounded on her and Clarke took a step back. "You called me a liar, so I told you the truth!" Her voice was shaking, her hands were shaking. She didn't know if it was from sadness or anger or fear. It was all a swirl, a great churning through every bone in her body.
Clarke's eyes were wide. "I-," she stuttered, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings I-"
"I don't have feelings!" Lexa shouted. Her skin felt hot.
From her tone Clarke continued to back off, but once the words had completely come out she held her ground. "Really, Lexa?"
Lexa refused to shrink back. "Leave. Now."
"No, I'm not leaving just because you're…"She gestured around them, while she searched for the words, "throwing a fit because you can't handle giving me time to process what you just said!"
She was at a complete loss, wasn't that exactly what Clarke was doing to her? Not letting her alone to process? What had she been thinking? What was she even doing? What was happening? What happened? How? She felt sick. Sick with herself, the situation, her feelings and how crushed she felt. Lexa set her jaw and took an intimidating step forward.
"You're right." she clipped. Intimidating wasn't the right word. It would have been if it wasn't for the tears about to slip down her cheeks. "You are a hypocrite." She took a sharp breath and swallowed. She couldn't keep them in. This was the worst she had felt in years. This was the reason she said the words that led Clarke to call her what she was about to speak. "You are the one who is heartless."
She turned around again, back to her nook. Clarke had undoubtedly seen it but if she was going to cry she wasn't going to let her see any more of it. A shudder ran up her spine. This was why.
Clarke's voice had softened. "Lexa, I'm sorry I didn't-" she stumbled over her words. She was trying to apologize and Lexa could appreciate that, but it was too much. She was done. She couldn't handle any more, not right now. "I'm sorry I didn't think how-" Clarke placed her hand of Lexa's shoulder. It was supposed to be comforting, but Lexa was on edge and jolted.
"Don't touch me!" She snapped and knocked Clarke's hand away. She turned to see her guards rushing in and circling around the blonde.
Both girls' expression shifted to surprise. Lexa had all but forgotten that they were never really alone. They wouldn't hurt her unless she gave them an order to. Clarke didn't even had her weapon in hand anymore. Her gun was on the table where she must have placed it before apologizing. Still her guards look to Lexa for direction.
Her eyes drifted onto Clarke again, who took up a look of stark indifference. Lexa wasn't the only one done with this whole exchange.
Lexa lifted her chin. "Escort her out," her words came out quiet, she had no energy left for orders and no energy left to let Clarke stay. "We're fine," she added to quell the uncertain looks on her warrior's faces. There wasn't an altercation, her words assured, the alliance was intact.
This was a mistake. Everything. She should have listened to Clarke, she shouldn't have opened up to her, she should have held her ground, she should have opened up more. Lexa didn't know, her mind retraced the steps made trying to piece together what it was that led things to go so wrong. This had to be the worst 'telling a girl your feelings' ever.