AN: This is utter crack. Also pardon my Americanism and foul crude language.
Filled for the Sherlock BBC kinkmeme.
A Bunny's Tale
"It's wabbit season, and I'm hutting wabbits, so be vewy vewy quiet."
—Elmer Fudd from "Looney Tunes"
"Oh this is so precious." Moriarty gleefully skipped over to the table and rubbed his hands together like a true evil mastermind. There was a medium sized steel cage resting on the table with the most angry looking floppy eared rabbit in it.
"Oh don't look at me like that Johnny Bun. You two really should have known better than to ruin my little experiment." Moriarty chided. "Call it "compensation" for screwing up my little plans once again."
Bunny John looked like he was trying to glare at him.
"You should be glad the serum worked at all." Moriarty continued. "It could have gone real nasty really quickly. I would have undoubtedly enjoyed you screaming in agony, but I think I rather like this too." He giggled as he flounced around the cage.
"Imagine, Sherlock's little pet has been reduced to nothing but, well a pet." Moriarty cackled with glee, and John twitched his floppy ears irritably.
"Oh that's just darling." Moriarty cooed, "I'm rather torn between keeping you, or sending you in a neat little box to Sherlock. Oh! Or maybe I'll make mittens out of you? How does that sound Johnny Bun?"
John didn't answer, but his stare never wavered.
Moriarty clucked his tongue in disappointment. "You know you'd think you'd be less obstinate, especially when you're just an itty bitty wittle wabbit."
Suddenly, his face brightened up with the most brilliant idea.
"You know what Johnny Bun? I think we'll have a good time playing together." He said with an eerie smile, "Maybe I'll even bring out my darling little pooches to play with you. They get so bored you know?"
Moriarty giggled with delight and fished the key out of his pocket. "I know you're just dying to get out." He said.
The key slid into the lock and there was a resounding clack from the cage.
For a genius with an eidetic memory, he honestly couldn't recall exactly what happened that led to the series of the most humiliating moments of his criminal life.
What he could remember was something small and furry grappling over his flesh and the sheer utter pain and terror that gripped him.
He was a man who prided himself in keeping his cool in any situation.
But when a terrifyingly vicious dirty blond floppy eared bunny was clawing at his face and biting his ears, and chasing him up a stool…well, all bets were off.
-0-0-
Moran was outside when this series of unfortunate events perspired. He had strict orders not to come in unless Moriarty explicitly told him to.
So when the ungodly shrieks pierced through his unfortunate eardrums, he stayed where he was. He had assumed that his boss was most likely torturing the dear doctor to oblivion.
Another shriek and a serious of crashes echoed from the room. Still Moran stayed where he was.
He rubbed his ringing ears. While he enjoyed the screams of agony from the unfortunate torture victim, this was a bit much.
Then the shouting started.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD! I'M GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE FOR THIS YOU FUCKING—HOLY SHIT! OH SHIT! OH MY FUCKING SHIT!"
There was thud and some suspiciously odd sounding scuffles that Moran could swore could not have been made by a person. And that voice. It didn't sound like the doctor at all. Rather it sounded much like—
Moran shook his head. He could have been shot for that blasphemous train of thought. Still, if it wasn't the doctor…
There was a sudden crash and Moran's solider instincts went on high alert. He trained his gun to the door, and he was tempted to knock and check his boss. On one hand something could be seriously wrong judging from the outlandishly high screeches and crashes that sounded through the room, but on the other hand, it could very well just be his boss being…well his boss.
Then the most unlikely thing happened.
"MORAN! MORAN!"
The voice sounded desperately terrified, and Moran had trouble believing that it was his boss.
"…Yes?" he answered hesitantly.
There was another shriek and string of profanities and crashes before he got an answer.
"MORAN!—GET THE FUCK IN HERE!"
"…Are you sure boss?"
"AM I SURE?! AM I SURE?! MORAN, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE OR I'LL FUCKING —OH MY GOD HE'S JUMPING UP THE STOOL!"
That was all it took for Moran to barge into the door.
-0-0-
How. Was. This. Possible?
He was getting his ass handed to him by a bunny rabbit. A bunny rabbit.
The blond monster had chased him up a stool, and he was now clutching the broomstick for dear life as he tried to hit the blond blur running and jumping around him. With every jump the menace had ripped a piece of his suit. It even ripped a piece off his ass!
"MORAN!—GET THE FUCK IN HERE!" He shouted as he tried to strike Bunny John with his broom.
His idiot subordinate had the gall to question his order. God, if he wasn't busy trying to fend off a rabbit he would have bashed the man's skull into the wall.
"AM I SURE?! AM I SURE?! MORAN, GET YOUR BLOODY ASS IN HERE OR I'LL FUCKING —OH MY GOD HE'S JUMPING UP THE STOOL!" Jim swung his broom, but it was too late. Bunny John was undoubtedly on his face.
On
His
Face
He did the only thing he could do.
He screamed.
-0-0-
Moran never doubted for a moment that his boss was possibly the scariest man in the world.
But his faith was definitely being tested here.
Because no way was his terrifying megalomaniacal boss screaming like that dude who melted in Indiana Jones, and swinging an broom blinding around.
"MORAN! MORAN! GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF ME!"
And there was the crux of the situation. On his bosses face (his terrifying megalomaniacal boss's face) was an angry floppy eared bunny rabbit.
Moran did the only thing he could do.
S
T
A
R
E
.
.
.
"MORAN! FUCKING SAVE ME!"
There was joke here. He could swear there was some cosmic joke here.
Just wait for it.
Wait.
Wait—
"FUCKING SHOOT HIM OFF OF ME MORAN! OH MY FUCKING— USE YOUR GUN MAN! AND GET JOHN FUCKING BUNNY WATSON OFF OF ME!"
His hand shouldn't be shaking this much. In fact his entire body shouldn't be shaking this much.
No.
Stop.
Bad Moran. Bad, bad, bad Moran.
You shouldn't be laughing when you're boss was being attacked by a fluffy rabbit.
You shouldn't be on your ass laughing at your boss who is being attacked by a Bunny Watson.
But you definitely should have seen the ball of fluffy yellow fur come your way and start chewing your nose off.
-0-0-
Sherlock could deduce thousands of scenarios and label their likely hood to the nearest hundredth of a percentage point.
But he (and Mycroft, and Anthea, and Lestrade, and hell the entire New Scotland Yard and Secret Service) could never have imagined the scene that they barged into.
Two of the most feared men in the underworld were being owned by a rabbit.
A rabbit.
A seriously BAMF rabbit.
"OH KILL DA WABBIT! KILL DA FUCKING BLOODY WABBIT!"
"YOU THINK THIS IS EASY?!"
"HOLD STILL GODDAMN IT! I'M GUNNA FUCKING BASH IT WITH THIS BROOM!"
"ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! YOU'RE GOING BASH MY FUCKING FACE IN WITH IT!"
"I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF I HAVE TO NUKE THE FUCKING BBC! I'M GOING KILL THAT DAMNED RABBIT!"
"FUCK! YOU BASHED MY HEAD WITH YOUR STUPID BROOM!"
"YOU'RE NOT STANDING STILL!"
"YOU'RE ON FUCKING STOOL!"
"I CAN FUCKING NUKE THE WORLD ON A FUCKING STOOL! HOW CAN I NOT KILL ONE STUPID BUNNY WATSON?!"
Ah. So that's where John was.
…Wait for it.
Any moment now.
Wait.
Oh
My
John
.
.
.
Sherlock seriously didn't know when he had laughed this hard.
Even Mycroft was on his fat ass laughing, and let's not even begin with the officers behind them and Secret Service agents behind them.
And Anthea, oh brilliant Anthea was already uploading the footage from the surveillance tapes into her lovely phone. While she was one her ass laughing with them.
God, he really loved John.
"SHERLOCK!" Jim screeched, "STOP LAUGHING AND GET YOUR FUCKING PET AWAY FROM ME!"
God he really really loved John.
-0-0-
A Bunny's Tale (63 Comments)
Harry Watson: Nice, another case solved. But where was the bunny in all this?
John Watson: Oh here and there.
Marie Turner: Job well done you two. This is Mrs. Hudson by the way.
theimprobableone: ugh another dull report on what was suppose to be an interesting case.
Mike Stanford: Nice mate. Good job.
John Watson: Thanks Mike.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm so pleasantly happy right now I won't even comment on how insipid that title is.
Harry Watson: O.o? John did you break your flatmate?
John Watson: No, he's just really happy. He didn't even bring any body parts home for a week.
Anonymous: I hate you all.
John Watson: Hello to you too Jim. ;)
Anonymous: I will skin you alive Watson, and turn you into a kilt.
Sherlock Holmes: Doubtful since (and I'm in such a good mood right now I'll even use this phrase) you got your pansy ass handed to you by John.
John Watson: Why thank you Sherlock. That was rather nice of you.
Sherlock Holmes: I give credit where credit is due, and you definitely deserve it my dear John.
B. Gov: You have undoubtedly given me the best scene I have ever been privileged to witness first hand.
N/A: What BG said.
Greg Lestrade: Cheers to that! You totally pwned him!
Sally Donovan: That made my career.
Dimmock: the highlight of my career.
Sylvia Anderson: Funniest. Case. Ever.
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up Anderson.
John Watson: Wow, you really are in a good mood.
Greg Lestrade: I know, I've never seen him so happy.
Anonymous: I will snap your limbs one by one Doctor.
Golem: Watson you better watch out because I'm gunning for you.
Harry Watson: Oh my god! John should I be worried here?!
Sherlock Holmes: No.
Greg Lestrade: Definitely not.
B. Gov: Unlikely
N/A: Nope.
John Watson: Harry I'll be fine.
Anonymous: I will seriously kill you all.
Sherlock Holmes: Might as well post that video then.
Anonymous: You didn't.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh I most certainly did.
N/A: Technically I did.
Sherlock Holmes: Fine, fine, she did.
Anonymous:You wouldn't dare Sherlock Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh please Jim, don't be so dramatic.
Anonymous: You wouldn't dare Sherlock Homes.
Sherlock Holmes: You know I think I'm finally feeling this "Christmas Spirit" that seems to be going around.
John Watson: It's the middle of March Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes: Bah Humbug! You can always feel the Christmas spirit permeating in the air.
John Watson: Wrong phrase Sherlock.
Anonymous: …Fine! But you and your pet won't win next time!
Sherlock Holmes: On the contrary I believe I shall.
Anonymous: No you won't
Sherlock Holmes: Yes I shall.
Anonymous: Shan't!
Sherlock Holmes: Shall.
Anonymous: Shan't!
Sherlock Holmes: Shall.
Anonymous: Shan't!
Sherlock Holmes: Shall.
(Deleted 34 comments)
John Watson: Seriously you two? After what happened do you really want to go through that again?
Sherlock Holmes: Actually I think I will enjoy seeing that again.
Greg Lestrade: Me too.
B. Gov: I do as well.
N/A: Already in all your inboxes.
Harry Watson: Seriously John, was this just a normal case?
John Watson: When is it not a normal case?
AN: Go BAMF bunny John!