an: Song fic to These Four Walls by Little Mix I down own the song or show
XxX
'I feel so numb staring at the shower walls.'
Scotland, 1937.
I wish I could tell you what was going through my mind that day but I can't. It was somewhere between everything and nothing but that's the best description I can give you. It was like I didn't have to think about what I was doing I just did. My body moved, my eyes saw but nothing registered. I was numb yet I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I felt sick. I didn't cry though, not in front of them. Mama always said crying only made the pain hurt more.
My mother was now dead, and my father wasn't home yet. I had no other family to understand my pain. Only the housekeeper, Mrs Shaw, the Doctor and the vicar. Their pitying looks I can still see even now.
Mrs Shaw kept saying how I needed to be a brave girl and that I was the lady of the house now. I didn't want to be though. I was eight years old, all I wanted was my parents.
She told me to wash and go to bed. Normally after my father had been on a business trip I would to wait up for him so I could see him when he got home. This day was different though.
I locked the bathroom door and began running the water. It was only then I allowed myself to cry. The tears mixed with the droplets on my face and my gentle sobs were masked by the sound of the tap.
I subconsciously scrubbed my skin till it was raw and washed my long blonde hair so it stuck damp against my face.
I don't know how long I spent staring the wall, long enough to know where every crack started and ended. It wasn't till I looked in the mirror to put my hair into two neat plaits to keep my curls that I was pulled back to reality when I saw I had my mothers eyes.
I got into bed, clutching my tattered teddy bear to me as though my life depended on it. Downstairs I could hear Mrs Shaw and the Doctor talking.
"What will happen to Shelagh?"
"I'm not sure I understand Dr Campbell?"
"Her father spends an awful amount of time away instead of here, I understand it was Mrs Mannion who ran the farm."
"Mr Mannion adores Shelagh and I have faith in that." She stopped as I heard the front door open. My father was home.
"What's happening?" I heard the worry in his thick accent as it rang through the house.
I put my hands over my ears so I couldn't hear his grief. It was at that moment I realised I had to be the strong one, I needed to be. I never wanted to hear my father cry again and if hiding my pain lessened his then that's what I would do, for however long it took.