The Greatest of All These

Summary: I've broken tons of commandments and it's worked out pretty well.

Jessica POV

I read the Bible my whole life, literally. Daddy made me and Eden recite all of Genesis, chapter one before we got out of bed. I guess I believed it all at the time. Being a good Christian made sense; not like I had the choice not to be one.

Free will. Pretty sure that was in there somewhere.

There was lots of things in there I never understood. I was probably too young; never experienced the world to know what it felt like to hate. I couldn't imagine why anyone would tell their parents no.

Those commandments were easy. The one that usually got me real lost was the greatest commandment: love one another. Maybe because my parents had a real fucked up view of love. Mom would just cry and pray. Daddy would beat us until we did was we were told. They both just claimed that what they did or didn't do was out of love.

So, you lock me in this house because you love me? You beat me until I bleed because you don't want to see me hurt….because you love me?

Well, then I guess I got out because I wanted to see how much they would love me when I got caught. I never thought they wouldn't know I got out of the house; I just wanted to feel alive. I wanted to feel young forever.

I think that really worked out for me.

Granted, it wasn't the best start. I got to do whatever I wanted; I was a brat. No one wanted me around. Bill, bless his heart, tried to make me into his version of vampire but it wasn't easy. Eric let me eat whoever I wanted. Living, vital, human blood is a hard taste to forget. Every part of me wanted it; needed it to feel anything.

And there was Bill. Just like my daddy; don't do this….you can't wear that….don't go out of this house.

Yeah, that worked out last time too. Just like the last time, I met my fate.

I wanted him from the moment I laid eyes on him. Of course, I probably would have drained him dry….I thought I would keep him away. He was so nervous; just kept talking like he does. Babbling on about nothing….but it means something to him. It was so cute. I liked the way he looked at me. If I was able to blush, I know I would have. He made me feel special and not like a freak sitting there.

Nothing else mattered; just us. Then he asked if I was hungry….I didn't want to say it. I was afraid he would run. Once he knew what I was then my dream would be over.

Then…the strangest thing….he didn't run. He stayed. He wanted to know me.

No one ever wanted to know me. A tall, cute, sweet boy wanted to know me and I wanted to know him….it wasn't about the blood. I swear my heart tried to beat when I was with Hoyt.

He sacrificed so much to be with me. His own mother disowned him; hateful bitch. He would stay up all night after working outside all day just to be with me.

He was my first….and since it's always my first it's hard to expect someone to accept that. Hoyt always did. He never judged me…for anything. He made me want to accept myself for what I was. That it wasn't anything to be ashamed of. That I was fine the way I was.

You know why he did that? Because he loves me…..this wonderful boy loves me. I'm a freak of fucking nature.

He's so good, too good for me. He makes me feel those things out of fairy tales and sappy love songs. He makes me believe that if our love is possible, than anything on this Earth is possible.

That's what it's supposed to be like when you meet someone right? You fall in love….get married…live happily ever after.

….until you meet someone.

I don't know how it really happened with Jason. He's Hoyt's best friend…they share everything. And I mean, he is Sookie's brother, I would have met him sooner or later. So, I'd been around him before. I thought we got along okay. Always thought he was a little slow, but he was good looking enough that it made it kinda sweet.

Jason just seems like a horn dog; he's a good guy. He just hides it under all that so people don't expect so much from him. He's scared to disappoint anyone. Jason's like that kid that never grew up but just got older; a fourteen year old boy trapped in the body of an adult. I bet he still watches cartoons.

I suppose you can blame the blood. He had a lot of my blood, but he was hurt and Hoyt was so worried about him.

I did that for Hoyt because I felt guilty. About Fangtasia…about feeding on someone else…about glamouring him….about it all. I just wanted it to go away.

That's just it though. It never goes away, not for me. I know what I did. I was with some guy….while Hoyt was at home waiting on me….and I liked it.

I've heard people say you go through this phase in a relationship where you still are mostly happy. But you fight more…the sex gets worse….you'd rather sit at home than go out. Now I knew what that felt like.

I guess I thought if I got it out of my system that I could still live happily ever after with Hoyt.

But the desire was stronger….I couldn't not think about other people…..and then Jason.

That spell…he saved me from the sun and I kissed him. Then he kissed me back. It felt so wrong and right all at the same time together.

Then that night in the woods, poor Jason, thought he was going to be a werepanther. I couldn't leave him….he was scared. I knew I had to be with him; he needed a friend. And we talked….like for hours. I learned so much about him; that he didn't think he was special.

"Well, look at ya."

I never should have said it. I felt the lust course through his blood. I could feel his eyes on me. Good thing I don't breathe…I wouldn't have been able to right then.

I knew at that moment, looking in his eyes, that there was something between us and it wasn't just my blood. We both knew it was wrong….we agreed to never tell Hoyt we'd talked or kissed. That it would destroy him. We both love him too much for that.

He tapped me on the shoulder before he left. The smell of his hot skin stuck to my shirt. I barely could think about anything but Jason when I went to ground in the morning.

I decided to go to Bill's the next night; all the witch stuff was making him rally the troops.

And Jason followed me there….he said he needed to tell me something.

I begged him not to. I silently hoped it was something like thank you for the blood; please don't tell me you feel something for me. Don't make it true.

He grabbed me and kissed me. I kissed him back. There was no turning back. Everything was in fast forward, even for me. Jason's touch made me feel like my skin was on fire. It was like he always knew where and when to touch. I've never wanted anything so bad….not since Hoyt.

I should have felt guilty. All I felt was satisfaction.

What I should have done, if I was a decent person, was glamoured all the feeling for me out of Jason. I should have told Hoyt and had to deal with breaking him. That's what I decent person would do.

Apparently, I ain't decent at all.

I made him believe we didn't do anything wrong. But that he wouldn't remember it. We would still meet, but he would never remember it. Like the first time; each touch is always new…to him at least.

I've broken tons of commandments and it's worked out pretty well for me. I mean, I've murdered…stolen….lied. I'm still around right. This was no different.

It's not like this was adultery or anything….and they didn't know. The only person I'm hurting is me.

But not really; I get them both. I love Hoyt….but I think about Jason all the time. It's hard to remember anything, even my own name, with Jason's hands on me. But Hoyt makes me feel safe; that no one can get to me….that everything's all right.

I mean, who says you can't love two people all at once?

Then one night at Merlotte's I got to experience something that I've never understood.

Hoyt wanted to shoot pool and wanted me to go so I could be his ringer. Sure, fine….plus I had been with Jason the night before so I thought that would cleanse my guilt.

I was leaning against the back wall when Jason walked through the door. I swear I felt the fire when our eyes me. He smiled…I was again thankful I can't blush.

Then it happened…he walked right past us….to some girl…Michelle….his girlfriend.

Watching him kiss her was so painful….I fought tears. Then I felt it….

I used to think that covet was just a fancy word for want. Well, I looked it up:

"To desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others."

I coveted Jason and Hoyt. I should have given them the right to choose me….not force myself upon them both. I was no better than my parents…or Bill. But the thought…the sight of either of them with someone else….I can't stand it.

I wanted to leave but Hoyt suggested we say hello to them. So, I bit the silver bullet and made polite. I thought I would have to end it all. I thought none of it mattered….until I got to the car. My phone went off….Jason…

"Ca again? 2morrow?"

"Make it late. Hoyt works a double."

"My place….after midnight."

Hoyt looks at me, "Who's that?"

"Pam," it came out so natural, "says Eric and Bill are doing some thing tomorrow night and I need to be away from it."

"Well, I'm working a double tomorrow so I'll probably be sleeping all night."

"Well…if you don't want me to go…"

"Jess….Vampire Bill would get all sore at ya if you didn't listen. Go, have fun with Pam or whatever. I'll be home…dreaming of you."

I smile and kiss him because I don't know what else to do.

I turn the idea of telling Hoyt over in my mind. I know I can't even form the words. His first love and best friend together would destroy all the good that is in him. I already broke him once….I can't do it again.

So I'll keep playing the good girlfriend. Eventually he'll want to marry me…but they'll never pass that law, so then I can get out. But Jason….he seems okay with being whatever he is to me.

For how long? I can do this forever, literally. How long is Jason just going to be there? Does he want more?

Hoyt turns up the radio; he likes the preacher on at night.

"From first Peter…chapter four, verse eight: Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins."

Brother, have I got plenty of those.