Erin closed the door and rested her head on the wood. Breathed in. Breathed out. Tried to listen to the mantra on repeat in her head. She could do this.

It had been a tough day at the office. She hadn't been feeling herself for a while, but for some reason today had really got to her. Holtz had been squirrelled away in her lab all day, not coming down for lunch and barely noticing when Erin had taken it up to her. Erin knew that she was focusing on work now, they had been picking up more busts recently and they all needed their equipment to be in top shape, but it still nagged at her. The two of them had been getting close recently, really close. Neither of them had said the word 'girlfriend' to the other but they had been doing decidedly date-like activities with just the two of them.

Two weeks earlier the four of them had decided to take the night off after a very quiet week and ended up in a gay bar downtown, one that Holtz was apparently a regular at. The girl behind the bar had given a wide grin to the blonde as she strode in, raising her hand in her signature salute. Abby and Patty dived for the bar, eager to get the evening started, but Erin hung back. Being with Holtz made her feel happy but inside there was still something that felt disjointed somehow. Whenever Holtz wasn't there Erin felt closer to being torn apart and the feeling was only getting worse with time. The happiness she got from being with Holtz only seemed to fix it so far, and the tear kept getting bigger. She hoped this evening would help her forget everything and let her get back to her normal self, but already the heavy stench of alcohol and sea of people around her was beginning to make her feel uneasy.

At the bar Holtz paused in her conversation with the bartender to check on the whereabouts of her friends. Abby and Patty had bagged a table on one side and were already halfway through their beers. Holtz smiled to see her friends so relaxed, then frowned slightly when she saw that Erin wasn't with them. She scanned the room and spotted Erin leaning against the wall next to the entrance, staring off into space. Holtz threw a casual wink at the bartender and slid off her stool, stepping to the beat of the music as she made her way over to Erin.

"Come here often?" She said, ducking her head down so that she could catch Erin's eye. She couldn't help but feel a warm glow spread through her at Erin's instinctive smile. It seemed that smile was reserved purely for her. And the occasional tricky equation. But Holtz was happy to share.

"Hey," Erin said softly, her voice almost lost under the music.

"Can I buy you a drink?" Holtz jerked her thumb over her shoulder at the bar. Erin's smile widened when she received a wink as well.

"Do you only speak in pickup lines?"

"Lemme buy you a drink and you can find out." Holtz winked again. Erin laughed softly and let Holtz lead her to the bar, pulling up a second stool so Erin could perch next to her whilst they waited for the bartender to take their order. Erin's heart fluttered in her chest when Holtz took her hand. It wasn't long until the bartender came back over and smiled at Holtz.

"This must be your girlfriend. Hi I'm Jolene," she reached over the bar and held out a hand to shake. Erin, however, was having a little trouble in remembering how to breathe. She forced herself to shake the hand and squeaked out her name in response, but she was pretty sure the girl didn't catch it. She frantically tried to keep her hand relaxed in Holtz's grip, trying to gauge her reaction to the comment, but Holtz remained calm and collected as ever and continued the conversation as if nothing had happened. When her favourite beer appeared in a pint glass in front of her, Erin couldn't help the smile that almost split her face in half as she took a sip.

But that had been two weeks ago and the following day the busts had started up again in earnest, forcing Holtz to spend all her time in the lab fixing their packs. She hoped that's what had been happening, and not that Holtz was avoiding her. The feeling that she was about to be torn apart started to overwhelm her and she pulled herself off the door, running towards the bedroom. It was the furthest away from the front door she could get and somehow that made her feel safer. As if the bad thoughts inside her were coming from the hallway and mere distance could stop them. It didn't. Feeling utterly miserable, Erin pulled a pillow close to her chest and tried to distract herself with memories once again.

Abby had been quieter since she'd been possessed by Rowan. She would still talk with the team but she didn't even try to keep up with their jokes any more. Whenever they went out there always seemed to be a kind of urgency when she drank, as if she couldn't get the alcohol inside her fast enough. Erin knew that Abby had struggled with forgiving herself after the possession, had even gone to the doctors about it. She'd begged her to go to a counsellor or a psychiatrist but Abby got defensive.

"I thought you of all people would understand why I don't want to go to them!" She'd shouted, slamming her coffee mug down on the kitchen counter when Erin had raised it on a rare morning when the two of them were the first in.

"And I also understand how they can help if they believe you. After everything that's happened they're bound to believe what you say. You are telling the truth, after all."

"Fat lot of good that did you," Abby retorted before storming out of the room.

A couple of hours later Erin had found Abby collapsed outside the bathroom, shaking.

"Abby! What's wrong? Shall I call-"

"No!" Abby interrupted her through gritted teeth. "Just, help me inside, okay?" Erin was worried, but she let Abby lean on her as they went inside. Abby fell to the floor once again and crawled over to the toilet, grabbing the sides of it for dear life.

"Abby? What's going on?" Abby struggled for a minute with an overwhelming wave of nausea before replying weakly.

"I went to the doctors. They put me on anti-depressants. Come with some pretty nasty," she paused and swallowed heavily, "side effects."

Erin was the only one Abby had told. She found she was unconsciously keeping a closer eye on her than any of the others, noticing how much she was off her food, or how quickly she would go from animated discussion to complete withdrawal. Erin worried about her best friend, but also felt bad for the way she felt in herself. Abby had a good and recent reason to be feeling awful; Erin's was way back in the past. True, fighting ghosts brought up a lot of her childhood memories, but she should have got over them months ago when they first started busting.

Erin squeezed the pillow tighter and closed her eyes. Maybe some sleep would help; things often looked better in the morning. Nope. Her mind was racing far too fast for sleep to be anywhere near on the horizon. Sighing, she threw the pillow across the room and sat up. She reached for her phone and saw that the message light was flashing insistently.

Holtz: Hey Hot Stuff, thought I'd let you know I'm going off-grid for the next day or so. All the busts are starting to stress me out and I really need a break. No need to worry about me I'm a big girl ;)

Erin sighed and pressed her phone against her head. She didn't want to admit it but she had really wanted to call Holtz. She thought about messaging Abby but she felt bad for burdening her with her own problems when they seemed so insignificant in comparison. Patty, Erin somehow knew, wouldn't quite understand why she was feeling so down. Erin gave a hollow laugh, she didn't know herself.

Her stomach rumbled loudly and Erin absent-mindedly checked the bedside clock. Gone midnight; she hadn't had time for lunch which meant she hadn't eaten all day. Making food would give her something to do, at least. She rolled off the bed and padded towards the kitchen. At some point she must have taken her shoes off but she couldn't remember doing it. A small part of her brain said she should be worried about that but the rest of it quickly smothered it with indolence.

When she reached the kitchen, however, she found she had no food in, having spent almost the whole of the previous fortnight at the firehouse. She found a can of soup in a cupboard but didn't have the energy to heat it up. Instead she found a half-eaten packet of biscuits and retired to the sofa, not caring that they had gone slightly soggy. She meant to turn on the TV but never got round to it. After a couple of biscuits she'd had enough of tasting cardboard and she lay down, too tired to go back to her bedroom.

No sooner had she pulled a blanket over her, her pocket started to vibrate. Erin frowned and sat up, pulling her phone out of her pocket. Who would be calling her at- she checked the clock on the mantelpiece- one o'clock in the morning? She opened her case and saw Abby's smiling picture on the screen. She'd taken it in the pub after the Rowan incident; she'd looked to happy and relaxed, just like her best friend from childhood. A wave of guilt about her own feelings washed over her before she pushed it to one side and answered.

"Abby?" The line was silent. "Abby? Are you there?" She heard a shaky breath in reply. "Hey, hey, I'm here. I'm always here for you Abby I'm not going anywhere again okay?" Definite sounds of crying on the other end. There were a few seconds of silence from Erin before she realised she'd had the phone lying across her face. "Oh jeez sorry Abby, I must sound like Darth Vader to you." She wasn't sure, but she thought she heard a small chuckle from her friend. Erin did her very worst Darth Vader impression, which wasn't far from her best. "Cccchsch Cchsch. Abby. I am your father. Cccchsch Cchsch." Yep, definitely a chuckle this time. Abby still hadn't said anything, though. "Mmm, or do Yoda impression I could." Erin said in a squeaky voice that sounded nothing like the character. Abby gave a teary laugh, then took a shaky breath.

"I fucked up."

"You are a wonderful person Abby Yates. Don't ever listen to anyone who says otherwise." Erin instantly replied, believing every word she said.

"I took six." Understanding suddenly dawned in Erin's mind, but she had to make sure. Part of her couldn't believe it.

"The tablets from the doctor?" A sob echoed down the line. That was all Erin needed. "I'm coming over. I'll be with you in ten minutes, okay?" A muffled grunt of assent came from Abby. "Okay, I'm going to hang up now so I can order a taxi then I'm calling you right back okay? I'll be off the phone for thirty seconds. Can you hold on for me?" Erin knew there was a double meaning in the last question, she couldn't help it. She couldn't find her best friend after all these years to lose her all over again.