For those of you who don't know who Cinemasins is, he's a movie reviewer who points out "Everything Wrong With" various movies, even good ones, saying that no movie is without sin. So if you're looking for a funny look at some movies, good or bad, check this guy out on YouTube.

So without further delay, I give you:

EVERYTHING

WRONG

WITH:

-Harry Potter turns to the Lord-

(This story exists. Sin Count: 1)

Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard. (Story opens with a line that's supposed to interest us, but is actually turning me off it almost as much as the title. Sin Count: 2)

It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever. (He has nightmares every freaking year, nothing that can't be solved with a magical adventure. Sin Count: 3) (Also, sentence changes partway through from past tense to present Sin Count: 4)

It was driving the young English sorceror (Story that wants to talk about the evils of magic can't even spell sorcerer right. Sin Count: 5) to his wits end, and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore. (Dumbledore is not an instructor. He's not even a teacher. He's the headmaster. Sin Count: 6)

"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, (This is not 'quipping.' Sin Count: 7) inquisitively. "It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class." (You JUST noticed this now? Sin Count: 8)

"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood. (You said he was tired, not drunk. Sin Count: 9)

"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted. (You don't say. Sin Count: 10) (Also, still not a teacher. Sin Count: 11)

Harry wearily acquiesced. "Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams." (You wanna tell us more about those dreams Harry? No? Didn't think so. Sin Count: 12)

"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts." (This. Happens. EVERY. F*KING. YEAR! Sin Count: 13)

"I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?" (He's got a point there, maybe you should take some time to rest. It's not like nightmares are omnipresent.)

Not that time off would do him any good. The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime. (Well sh*t. Sin Count: 14) (Also, instead of randomly flying around you should go to the hospital wing. Sin Count: 15) (And where are all those friends who've supported you in all the books, movies and even other fanfics? I'm sure Hermione would have some idea about what to do here. Sin Count: 16)

To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds. (Because he's totally allowed to do that. Sin Count: 17)

He rocketed over the eastern border and across the murky oceans, (How long has he been flying? Sin Count: 18) (Also, oceans are not murky. Sin Count: 19) but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered. (Maybe he WAS drunk. Sin Count: 20)

He began to plummet.

Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours. (Because everyone knows wizards don't get adrenaline rushes. Sin Count: 21)

Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark. (Please tell me the story's over.)

"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?" (Damnit... Sin Count: 22)

Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness, (No, please, stay out cold. Sin Count: 23) and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties. (Don't worry, there's a chance he didn't rape you, so please don't scream. Sin Count: 24)

As Harry was perceptive, (Even through his lack of sleep. Sin Count: 25) he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes. (I'm not sure if that's racist, but I'll just say it is. Sin Count: 26)

"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.

"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!" chuckled (Why are you laughing, asshole!? Sin Count: 27) the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space. (Just how close were you to this kid? Sin Count: 28) "I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."

"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake. (Also, where the hell am I? Sin Count: 29)

"My name is David," (I think I'll just call you Marty Stu. Sin Count: 30)the man replied. "I, uh – - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky. Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"

"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly. (Sure, just tell that to a random muggle who might have raped and or robbed you while you were out. Sin Count: 31)

"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting." (Oh, I'm not shocked by this or anything. Sin Count: 32)

Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.

"Where's my robe?" he cried. (Holy sh*t, he really did rape him! Sin Count: 33)

"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, (And he really did mug him! Sin Count: 34) you know. Really quite fascinating – - albeit evil." (How do you know that? Do you judge anything you don't know as evil? I guess since you're a religious fundamentalist, you probably do. Sin Count: 35)

"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see." (Aside from your wand and maybe a little wizard money what other tools do you have? Sin Count: 36)

"A wizard, you say?" mused David. "I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?" (Because all muggles know about Hogwarts. Sin Count: 37)

"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.

"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there." (I robbed and raped her too. Sin Count: 38)

"What was her name?"

"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly. (Don't worry about remembering her, she'll never be brought up again. Sin Count: 39)She was a highly decorated student there, top of her class she told me. Until one day she achieved a new level of magic, and that's when things started to go awry." (Care to tell us what kind of magic? No? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sin Count: 40)

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," (You could just say nightmares. Sin Count: 41)(Also, do you feel like telling us what those nightmares were about yet? No? Ugh. Sin Count: 42)David remarked.

"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation. (He did so without even knowing what 'Kate's' nightmares were about. For all we know, it could have just been brought on by something she ate. Sin Count: 43)

"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety. All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them,(Those same teachers that make it a point to help their students whenever they need it? Sin Count: 44)but she had to find out why she was being haunted. So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage. (Where I took her in, took all her clothes off and went through her pockets. Sin Count: 45) I showed her The Bible, you see…"

"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.

"That's right," he replied,

"The Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures – - ooh, what was that verse? Ah, yes! Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire (Never done that), who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium (Or that) or spiritist (Nope) or who consults the (Consults who now?) who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord. "So, don't you see, young man?" David finished. (Wow, that's four sins in one paragraph. Sin Count: 49) (Also, you're a fundamentalist, you sure you don't want to rail against the gays in there too? Sin Count: 50)

"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one." (But he uses all these skills for the good of mankind. Surely the good lord can see that. Sin Count: 51)

"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"

"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably. (Yes, how dare Dumbledore use magic to fight against a thinly veiled Satan metaphor! Sin Count: 52)

"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!" (Harry Potter suddenly becomes Draco Malfoy. Sin Count: 53)

"So, you're having nightmares, too?" (He just told you that. Sin Count: 54)

Harry was silenced. (Why? What does that have to do with anything? Sin Count: 55)

David strolled over to him, and lay the Bible beside him. "I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled. (It's laced with roofies. Sin Count: 56)

"Get your rest. We'll talk more about this later." (Yes, go to sleep so I can touch you some more. Sin Count: 57)

Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, (No, the unnamed nightmares from before were replaced by new nightmares. I won't go into details, but they were filled with someone familiar screaming 'the power of Christ compels you! Sin Count: 58) (Also, we still don't know what the God Damned nightmares are! Sin Count: 59)for reasons he could not comprehend. David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world. And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils. (Because even the magic you used to save the world from evil is, in itself, evil. Sin Count: 60)

Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore. (This sentence alone is worth at least five sins. Sin Count: 65)

"David?" he asked one afternoon.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.

"How do I become a Christian?" (Well to become one like me you need to carve a crucifix into your desk and slam your head into it until you see the face of God. Sin Count: 66)

"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," (I wouldn't let you leave otherwise. Sin Count: 67)smiled David, proudly. "Come, let me show you."

David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer, and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly. (Is it just me, or does this sound like he's raping him with religion? Sin Count: 68) (Also, everything we see in the Harry Potter books suggests Harry is a Christian already. Why is this necessary? Sin Count: 69)

"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness, for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world. I have given my very essence to the enemy of man, and taken joy in it as well. I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld, all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts. Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom. In your name I pray…Amen." (You obviously didn't notice those times when I used magic to save your world. This paragraph has to be worth another ten sins. Sin Count: 79)

Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them. (If you look to the audience you'll see they're crying as well. Those are not tears of joy. Sin Count: 80)

For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted, and…pure. (Just ignore all those friends you had at Hogwarts, they never liked you anyway. Sin Count: 81)

He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born and he wept, both out of joy, and sorrow for all of his friends that remained blind to the real truth, indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts, convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings. (Story compares Hogwarts Students to Nazis, or maybe fundamentalist Christians. You know, someone with a massive superiority complex. Sin Count: 82)

He wept all night long because of this. (Harry is a crybaby. Sin Count: 83)

"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David.

"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?" (Story once again ignores all the good Harry and friends have done with magic. Sin Count: 84)

"The demons that you once embezzled (Last I checked, Harry never stole or misappropriated demons of any nature Sin Count: 85) will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted.

"But if God is for you, then who can be against you? Go, and spread the word. You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter. Now it's time you used it for good." (Because he never did that before. Sin Count: 86)

Musing over the profound (Bullsh*t Sin Count: 87) and genuine (No Sin Count: 88) words of his life-altering friend, Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.

But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay. (I can see it now. "Hello students of Hogwarts, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?" Then the mass "Expelliarmus!" That follows. This needs another five sins. Sin Count: 93)

Review:

Saint Abraham

Profound...

A true masterpiece, worthy of Christ's blessing.

(Author leaves a praising review of his own terrible story. That's worth at least ten sins. Sin Count: 103)

STORY SIN TALLY: 103

SENTANCE...

Expulsion From Hogwarts

(Hell)

Well, what do you think?

If you liked it, let me know and tell me what other stories I should review, good or bad.