Disclaimer: I dont not own The Infernal Devices.
I stared down at the food on my plate as the sound of silverware hitting dishes filled the air around me. The thought of eating anything was unappetizing. As it was alot lately. My dress felt a bit loose around my waist. "Tessa darling, arnt you going to eat?" Charlotte asked me joining me, Will, and Jessamine at the table. Henry was down stairs working and Jem.. well he's been better.
Jem has been ill before but I can tell, though the others have tried to hide it from me, that this time is different. Ive heard the whispers. He's dieing. He wont last much longer. I wince and rise from the table, "Im not very hungry. Will you excuse me?" I go to exit the room when a voice stops me. "Tess. You have not eaten all day, you must be a little hungry." Will. And he sounded.. concerned? I look him straight in the eye. "I said Im not hungry." And with that I scurried off to my room.
I sit on the rocking chair facing towards the window. The moon was full tonight, combined with the stars shining brightly down on me. Reflecting off the gleaming metal of the razor in my hand. Just letting the razor skim across my skin hard enough to draw blood, I sigh in relief. I go about my day as normal, or as normal as I can. But the recent events have taken on there toll on me. Im in pain and this is the way I fix that. Numbness was better then that. It all started that night Will had said those horrible things to me.
*Flashback*
I use a towel to fix my make up, the crying had left trails of black running down my face. There's no future for Shadowhunters who dally with Warlocks? What did you really expect Tessa? Cleaning off the tears that had already come turned out to be pointless as more followed. I sink to the floor, back against the bath tub. Sobs racked my body and no matter how much I tried I couldnt control them. I didnt know for sure if I loved Will, but his words. They hurt me terribly, broke something in me.
I needed sleep I decided. I would sleep it off, and.. hopefully be better tomorrow. I manage to bring the sobs down to just tears again. I pull myself up, and start towards the door. Then I see my razor, it sits on the edge of the bath then I get this weird sensation, something.. pulls me to it. I pick it up and look at it. It's nothing special. A pink three blade razor that you can pick up anywhere. In a book I read, a girl cut herself. She explained how it brought the emotional pain away through physical pain. Would it work for me? Could it bring me what it brought her?
I press the blade against my wrist. Beads of blood pop out where it touches. It doesnt hurt, not really. It kind of.. numbs me. Taking away the feeling. The feeling of hurt that Will had brought on, the feeling of impending loss Jem brings on, of the betrayal Nate brought. Everything just disappeared.
*End of Flashback*
The pain went away briefly when I cut. But.. Jem wasnt going to last long. Will continued to ignore me. Would it really matter if I wasnt here anymore? Digging the blade just a little deeper, and it would all be gone. But could I do it? Could I take my own life? I think.. I think I can. Life just isnt easy, and there was nothing holding me here. I was just bearing burden on people and stealing food. Though in my defense I havent exactly been eating anything...
"Tessa?" I jump and hurriedly hide my wrist and my blades behind my back. "Tessa?" the voice, Will I realize, repeats. "May I help you?" I don't turn toward him incase he may see anything. He comes around and stands by my chair. "Um.. not exactly." Slightly angry I snap at him, "Then what do you want William?" He looks slightly surprised. "I-I just was worried about you. You havent been eating, and- what happened to your hand?" My eyes widen, without realizing it, I had gone to tuck a piece of hair that had fallen in my face behind my ear. I quickly try to return it to my lap, but Will had caught it.
I could see my dress sleeve was covered in blood. A saddness and then anger flash across Will's expression. "Tessa," he exclaims throwing my hand down. I wince. "What are you doing to your self?" My eyes narrow. "It's none of your buisness. Look can you just leave.." If I can just get him out of the room, I can finish this. He only seems to get angrier. "Why? So you can hurt yourself some more? I dont think so. Come on, we're going to Charlotte," Will grabs my hand and tries to pull me up.
"No!" I say a bit hysterically. Will's features soften a little and he kneels in front of me so he's eye level with me, still holding my hand. "Tessa we need to get you some help.." "Why do you care?" I interrupt him, on the verge of breaking down. "Cant you just leave me alone?" He looks like I hit him, "Why do I care? I care because.." he stops himself hastily. "Will.. Im sorry if you feel bad about this.. I just. I cant do this anymore," Im crying now. His eyes widen, "What do you mean you cant do this anymore?" "I.. there's nothing left for me Will. My family's dead, Nate..." I trail off, there was no words to describe what Nate did. "I have no one left, no one who needs me.."
Will was watching me with the strangest expression and then.. "I need you." I almost choke, "What?" I say not sure I heard him right. Another piece of hair had come lose and he reaches up and tucks it back behind my ear, his hand lingering on my face. "I said, I need you." "But.. the roof," I was so confused. Guilt flashes in his eyes, "Is that what this is about? Those things I said on the roof?" I sigh, "Its about.. alot of things. But.." "That's what started it," he finishes. I nod, unable to say anything.
"What I said.. it was inexcusable. I just.." he seems to be having an internal battle. "Tessa Im cursed." "What?" I had not been expecting that. He goes on to explain to me what happened, why he's here, what happened to the people who loved him. "Will," I stop him. "Tessa you dont understand..." "I do.. but it cant be true. Look around you.. Jem loves you," he interrupts me again. "Well look where he is," he mumbles. "That isnt your fault, and dont interrupt me Im in the mist of soliloquy," he grins despite the situation making it completly in appropriate. He motions for me to continue.
"Charlotte loves you, Henry loves you, and despite what you might think so does Sophie and Jessamine do to. And..." I take a deep breath. "I... I love you Will." I realized at that moment that it was the truth. I was in love with William Herondale. "Tessa dont say that," he pleads with me. "No Will. As Ive pointed out.. the others love you. They are fine. Your family, you leaving didnt stop them from loving you. And they are fine. You are not cursed.. not matter what that demon told you." For a moment he looks doubtful, and then his whole face breaks into a heart stopping smile. Surprising me completly, he lifts me up and twirls me around.
"Will," I laugh for the first time in what seems like forever, "Stop it put me down." He does so, "Tessa your right. Ive been to blind to see it bu-" He catches site of the razors in the rocking chair,, and his face become somber again. "Tess," surprising me again he pulls me to him wrapping his arms around me. "The cutting.. its got to stop. You could hurt your self, and I couldnt bare that.. because Tess.. I-I love you to Tessa." I felt guilty, I was so close before. If Will hadnt of come in, Id be dead by now. I look up at him, his blue eyes were staring at me with a burning intensity. "You have to promise. And promise to start eating." I nod. "Promise," Will commands. "I promise, Will. I wont hurt myself anymore. Ill eat.. umm" I blush.
"What is it?" Will says confused. "Is there any chance.. we can go eat something now?" He looks at me for a moment before he suddenly chuckles. "Sure Tessa." He pulls back and grabs my hand. "But first, lets bandage you up." I nod. "Thank you, I love you William Herondale." He smiles again, "And I you Theresa Gray."