"What? We're finally able to get your soul back... and now you just... 'don't want it anymore'?" Dean quotes Sam, his voice utterly calm when he stands up from the crappy motel bed. "Please don't be so stupid... please... Cas has your soul... He can give it back to you... Sam please..." Dean begs... and Dean Winchester NEVER begs... but hell, he wants his brother back.
"Dean..." Sam tries to reason with his brother. "Look... you said that having a soul equals suffering... And... damn it... I would suffer a lot, after all that Sam has done. I won't be able to work reasonable. I'm gonna feel everything... It's just irrational to demand my soul."
Dean nodded. "You know what having a soul also equals? Feeling loved and being capable to love." A lone tear falls from Dean's eyes, his nostrils moving. "I can't believe that you don't miss the feeling of being cared for... of caring."
"That's because I can't miss anything..." Sam shrugs.
"Yeah... and I don't know how long I'm able to endure that..." Dean nods, grapping his jacket.
"Where are you going?"
"What do you care... yeah right... you don't care." Dean slams the door shut behind him.
Sam looks into the mirror on the opposite side of the room, moving his fingers against the small, nearly invisible scar beside his right eye. Yellow Eyed demon's son has caused it and just because of Dean he hasn't died back then. Just a few hours later Sam has nearly lost Dean. He still remembers that he's felt awful.
But right now there is nothing. He doesn't feel bad at all, thinking about that.
He doesn't miss Jess...
He doesn't think about his mother.
He doesn't care about their father's dead...
He doesn't cringe because of Dean's deal.
He doesn't want to curl up in his brother arms, when he thinks about Dean's death.
He doesn't feel sorry for drinking demon blood.
He doesn't hate himself for trusting Ruby.
He doesn't feel guilty about the Apocalypse.
He doesn't even mind his brother's suffering.
So why the hell would he want to feel again. Feeling means pain, pain means suffering. He doesn't have the time to suffer. He needs to fight evil. He can't feel bad about all the things he's done. He can't punish himself for not going to Dean as soon as he's come back.
He just can't.
"Oh shit... I'm gonna regret this." Sam scratches his head. "Cas... Come down give me my appendix back."
"Beg you pardon?" Castiel appears in the room, titling his head. "Where's your brother?"`
"I don't know..." Sam shrugs. "Give me my soul back."
"What?... Are you sure... now?... Here?" Castiel looks around in the room.
"Where would you like to give me my soul back? On a fancy beach when the sun sets?" Sam asks, not really getting what the angels wants him to say.
"I think you're going to need the support of your brother as soon as you have your soul back." Castiel states.
"Nah... it's gonna be okay. With or without soul... I'm a big boy." Sam stands up.
"Okay... I hope you know what your doing." Cas guides the tall man to a chair. "Try to rela... never mind... you're calm anyway."
Sam closes his eyes. He doesn't really know where the sudden change of mind has come from. The soul was still irrational for him. But right now all he sees is another logic. He knows that he is already screwed up, so why should he also mess up his brother?
You know what having a soul also equals? Feeling loved and being capable to love
And for the first time in more than one year, Sam wants something. He also remembers the good times of his life.
He still remembers the first time Dean has said that he is proud of him.
He still remembers his first successful hunt.
He still remembers his soccer game.
He still remembers every time his brother has soothed him after a nightmare.
He still remembers the prank wars.
He still remembers Dean's face when he's given him the amulet.
He still remembers being back on the road with Dean.
He still remembers every time Dean has saved him.
He still remembers his brother's forgiveness.
He still remembers his brother's caring.
He still remembers his brother's humor.
He still remembers the chick-flick moments his brother claims to hate so much.
He still remembers his brother's love.
He still remembers how much he's loved his brother.
He still remembers how much he's cared for his brother.
He still remembers his brother.
Suddenly Sam starves for his soul. "Cas... please... give it back."
"I still think we need to wait for Dean..." Castiel replies, but presses his hand against Sam's shoulder.
"I'll be fine." Sam nods, not opening his eyes.
Castiel nods.
"That's gonna hurt."