Disclaimer: The characters of N.C.I.S. Los Angeles are property of CBS
Six o'clock in the morning-
Deeks walked into ops early one morning before everybody else, except for Hetty, but she was the person he wanted to speak to; and speak to alone.
"Mr. Deeks, for what do I owe the pleasure of having you here this early?" Hetty asked.
"Hetty I need a favor." Deeks said.
"I'm sorry did I hear you correctly? Did you just ask me for a favor?" Hetty asked, not sure if she heard her liaison officer correctly.
"It's not that kind of favor Hetty." Deeks said
"Well what kind of favor is it?" Hetty asked.
"I need to speak to a psychologist. And knowing you, I'm betting you have a few on speed dial." Deeks said, challenging Hetty.
"What do you need to speak to a psychologist for?" Hetty asked.
"Why else does one speak to psychologist for?" Deeks asked.
"What happened?" Hetty asked.
"Rather not discuss that." Deeks said.
"Okay; when did it happen?" Hetty asked.
"Three months ago." Deeks said.
"Afghanistan?" Hetty asked. "What happened?"
"I'm not at liberty to discuss that." Deeks said.
"Mr. Deeks if I'm going to help you I need something to go on." Hetty said.
"Hetty all you need to know is that something terrible happened over there that wasn't transcribed in the official mission documents, but I don't want to talk about it. Every company has a policy that if somebody is seeking help it's the company's duty to assist." Deeks said.
Hetty appraised Deeks a bit, and then picked up her desk phone and made the call; ten minutes later.
"Don't make me regret this." Hetty said, as she hung up the phone.
Deeks got up from his chair, and headed for the exit but not before asking.
"Regret this; like you regret Afghanistan?"
Hetty stared at Deeks wondering what he meant by that, but before Hetty could question him Deeks exit her office.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
Four hours later: Ten thirty in the morning-
"Anybody seen Deeks?" Sam asked without looking up from his computer as Kensi and Callen entered the bull pen.
"Why are you asking me?" Callen asked.
"I haven't talked to him since yesterday." Kensi said.
"I had an impromptu doctor's appointment this morning." Deeks said, entering the bull pen.
"How impromptu?" Sam asked looking at Deeks as he was sitting down at his desk.
"Seven o'clock." Deeks said, as he sat down and pulled out his laptop.
"That was three and a half hours ago; what was so important that it took that long to check up on?" Callen asked.
"Actually the session was three hours long, but it was a half hour drive out and back." Deeks said, quite content on not discussing what he discussed with the psychologist; while working on his laptop.
"What happened?" Sam asked.
Deeks continued with his business on his computer; ignoring Sam's question.
"Mr. Deeks had a professional concern and approached me this morning about it." Hetty said coming into the bull pen scaring the living crap out of her agents and liaison officer.
"Care to share?" Sam asked.
"Ever heard about that law called "doctor-patient privilege" Sam?" Deeks asked, without looking up from his computer.
Sam looked over at Deeks computer and saw a name on his search engine: Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Friedrich Nietzsche?" Sam asked.
Deeks stopped his web search, and then shut down his laptop. Deeks got up and took a stroll in the direction of the gym.
"Why's Deeks looking into a German philosopher?" Sam asked.
"Mr. Nietzsche has said some great quotes in his life time, Mr. Hanna." Hetty said as she exited the bull pen.
Callen, Sam and Kensi watched Hetty leave the bull pen, after her departure Kensi turned her attention back to her partner.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
Deeks found his way to the gym to blow off some steam. The conversation with the psychologist had him on edge, and not for a good reasons. It forced him to reexamine everything that had happened to him to date, and it was a long list of things. Knowing that he had multiple skeletons in his closet, the doctor's words not his, Deeks knew that he was going to have multiple visits with said doctor.
Deeks got changed, and then stepped out onto the floor as he was strapping his gloves on. Deeks started to beat on the heavy bag. If the heavy bag would have been a training partner, he would have beat it senseless. The session was more confusing than it was helpful.
{I mean come on, speaking to a psychologist was supposed to help you put things in focus; not throw it into a six hundred mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive.} Deeks thought
Deeks hasn't been sleeping much at night. He gets maybe four hours of uninterrupted sleep before he wakes up in a cold sweat; sometimes screaming. He can still hear that blind cleric's screams in his dreams. Deeks can't complain though, given the fact that last time he had troubles sleeping it took him four months before he saw Nate.
Deeks was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn't register Kensi coming into the gym. Kensi had been standing there for ten minutes before she decided to get his attention.
"Hi." Kensi said.
Deeks stopped whatever he was doing and stared at Kensi like a deer in the headlights.
"Hi." Deeks said back.
"What was so important that you went saw a psychologist at seven o'clock in the morning?" Kensi asked.
Deeks hesitated a beat before he spoke.
"I'm not at liberty to discuss that." Deeks said, not looking Kensi in the eye when he spoke.
"What? Why not?" Kensi asked.
"Because it's personal, and it has nothing to do with you." Deeks said.
Which was a lie because it had a lot to do with her, or at least from a relationship point of view.
"It's personal because it's work related, or personal because another one of your girlfriends came around for a booty call last night?" Kensi asked, laughing at her own bad joke.
As soon as the phrase left her mouth Deeks went stiff as a board and ridged as a dead body in full rigor. Deeks stared at Kensi with a gaze so fierce it cause her knees to quiver; Deeks walked over to Kensi and she back up until she ran out of room and was standing with her back against the wall. Kensi looked around for a way to escape, but there was no exit. When Kensi look Deeks in his eye she didn't see playfulness and flirtiness; she saw malice and hate staring back at her. Before anything could happen Kensi spoke in a hoarse voice.
"Deeks!"
Deeks came to his senses, apologized profusely, and then made a hasty exit from the gym. Kensi was so shook up by her partner's sudden act of violence that she ran for the gun range.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
The entire time Deeks was in the shower all he could hear was the doctor's words in his head, plus the quote by Nietzsche.
{So it's true.} Deeks thought. {I'm slowly becoming one of them, or him.}
Deeks finished taking his shower, got changed and went back to the bull pen.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
Hetty was watching on in shock as she watched the replay of Deeks walking Kensi down. That side of Deeks has never been seen by anybody, not even her; most definitely not by Kensi. But what was so important for Deeks to ask to see a psychologist?
{And what did I just witness?} Hetty thought.
Just then Deeks had walked into the bull pen and sat down at his desk, and opened his laptop. Hetty eyed Deeks suspiciously, and then thought it might be good idea to swap partners. Twenty minutes later Sam and Callen came back into the bull pen; followed by Kensi another ten minutes later. After Kensi was seated the agents heard their call to duty.
Eric whistling to let them know that they had a case. Kensi was the first to get up and practically sprinted for ops without a backwards glance. Deeks just hung his head and then got up and followed his partner; all the while that phrase the doctor quote running through his head. Sam and Callen shared a look, and then followed the rest of the team up to ops; Hetty watched on from the silence of her office.
Upon entering ops Sam and Callen knew something was off. Other than the fact that Eric and Nell were staring at them like they might be their saviors, but Kensi was one side and end of the center console; while Deeks was on the other end and opposite side of the console. Sam and Callen shared a look, and then entered the room. Eric and Nell briefed the team, and then the agents were sent on their way, but Hetty had other plans in mind.
"Due to a strange turn of events there is going to be a partner swap for the time being." Hetty said.
"For how long?" Sam and Callen asked.
"Not sure." Hetty said.
Hetty gauged the reactions of her team: While Sam and Callen were flustered by the sudden reassignment, Kensi was relieved, but Deeks was highly disappointed. Hetty almost missed it because of Deeks has extensive training, but she didn't miss it.
"Mr. Callen and Miss. Blye will be partners, while Mr. Hanna and Mr. Deeks are partners. You all have your assignments, now hop to it." Hetty said.
The team walked out, and left for their assigned tasks.
{I hope I did the right thing.} Hetty thought.
N.C.I.S. L.A.
"Any idea why this is going on?" Sam asked Deeks.
"There was an incident earlier in the gym between me and Kensi." Deeks said without looking at Sam.
"Anything you want to talk about?" Sam asked.
"Why else do you think I'm seeing a doctor for?" Deeks said, again still looking out the window.
"You're seeing a psychologist?" Sam asked.
"Yeah." Deeks said.
"Why?" Sam asked.
"That's personal. Kensi made a jab that was below the belt and I took it way too personal." Deeks said.
N.C.I.S L.A.
"You okay?" Callen asked.
"I am now." Kensi said timidly.
"What happened?" Callen asked.
"I'm not exactA/Nly sure. All I know is I made a harmless joke, and Deeks reacted in a totally different way than expected." Kensi said.
N.C.I.S L.A.
There was silence in the vehicle, and it stay that way until they arrived at their destination. Sam parked the car, and the new partner's got out and headed toward the building in question; Sam stopped them short and looked Deeks in his eyes.
"What?" Deeks asked.
"Why were you searching for Friedrich Nietzsche?" Sam asked.
Deeks thought long and hard about telling Sam, and then decided that it couldn't hurt; albeit, the lunch crowd was starting to pick up, and this comment wasn't for them to hear. Deeks waved Sam closer, and when Sam was close enough Deeks whispered into his ear what he was searching for. When Deeks finished his sentence Sam drew back in shock at what Deeks said.
"Tell me that you don't believe?!" Sam asked in pure shock.
"You can't play with fire and not get burned." Deeks said.
"But still." Sam said, unsure of what to say.
"There's nothing to say Sam. Not all people can go through the life we lead without being affected by it. It's possible that I might be reaching my limit." Deeks said, and then turned and walked to the building they came to investigate.
Sam stared in shock at the revelation his new partner just told him, and Sam had to wonder if it was partial true.
{Deeks is an undercover cop, he's seen a lot of bad things; so was only a matter of time before it affected him?} Sam asked himself.
Sam ran to catch up with Deeks who was already entering the building; the quote by Nietzsche still echoing in his head:
Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.
T.B.C.
A/N: The time change will make sense in later chapters.