Kanan couldn't sleep.
Actually the truth was: he didn't want to sleep.
Because he thought he might break if he woke up and realized that he was back in that cell. Strapped down. Electrocuted. Forced drugs that made everything blurry and hazy. The visions of the crew dying, Ezra's death always being the cruelest. With only the Inquisitor and his dark thoughts for company.
Kanan took a deep breath, which sounded too much like a panicked gasp even to his own ears, and shoved the thoughts away. He would think about what he went through later. Just…not now. For now, he wanted to pretend that everything was right within his little bubble in the galaxy. Right now he was desperately pretending that this was just another night on the Ghost and that he chose to stay up late to have a bit of calm and quiet and wasn't afraid to sleep. Pretending that he was alright.
"Kanan."
But he could never pretend to be something he wasn't around her.
"It was a comfort." He looked up from his tea Hera's eyes were full of worry. "Not knowing."
She sat down across from him and took his hand. Kanan gaze migrated back to his tea. "At least then if I broke, I couldn't tell them anything."
"That was the idea," Hera said, rubbing a soothing circle on his hand with her hand.
"I appreciated it…a lot," He gave her a look, the teasing one he used after she started feeling guilty over sending the kids on the wild-malurun chase, "I also had the comforting thought that you and the rest of the Ghost would be running far, far away."
Hera gave a smile. "That was the plan, then your Padawan…"
He quirked an eye brow at her when she trailed off. "Oh, that doesn't sound good."
"Well, Ezra refused to give up on you and…he made me realize that I didn't want give up on you either. Especially after…"
"What did he do?"
Hera tilted her head to the side, resting her free hand on his knee. "I'm…going to give you the comfort of not knowing…Yet."
A playful dread filled Kanan. "I'm not going to like it."
"No, you won't, Love."
"Wonderful."
He put his arm around her shoulder, gently tugging it. At once she pulled up her legs and rested her head on his shoulder, her arms wrapped around his middle. They normally kept their distance from each other but right now Kanan couldn't pretend that he was fully detached. Not after everything that happened today.
"I know now."
Hera was steady. "I know."
Kanan wasn't. "What if this happens again?"
"You didn't break, Love."
"I wanted to," not even his breathing was steady. "There were a few times…"
She held him tighter. "Hera, I don't even remember what I said to them at times. If it wasn't for the fact that it kept going…"
"Kanan," she had a hand on his face and waited until he looked at her with his blurred vision. "Take comfort that they didn't know."
He let the tears fall, "I do, I did." He gently grabbed the hand on his face.
She studied him for a long time. "Love, did you get any sleep?"
"Does blacking out count?" She leveled a look that clearly said No. "…I don't want to wake up." Hera looked startled and Kanan rested his forehead against hers. "I don't want to wake up and realize this is all a dream."
"You won't," she promised.
"I know but…" Kanan felt a few more tears fall, "I'd been dreaming about this for…How long was I gone for?"
"Too long."
"Hera-"
"I know it doesn't help but I honestly don't know right now," she admitted, "I lost track, I stayed awake too long, and moved around too much to keep track. I'll look it up later."
He accepted the promise that it wasn't; she had taken comfort in not knowing how long he was gone.
"Kanan, I'll stay with you tonight."
"I don't-"
"I need to know I'm not dreaming either."
Kanan swallowed painfully. "I'm going to have nightmares."
"Me too and when we wake each other up then we'll know it's real." She stood and tugged on his arm and he followed her lead.
They hadn't even made it halfway down the hall way when he pulled on her hand to stop. Hera turned with, he was sure, a remark that he needed sleep but he hit the panel next to Sabine's room and poked his head in. The Mandalorian was asleep in her bed, a half finished drawing on the sketchbook on the floor next to her bed. With a nod he closed the door again and Hera turned around and opened the boys' room for him.
In an instant Ezra sat up, looking at the two. "What's-" Kanan raised a hand then lowered it and Ezra dropped his volume, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Kanan said, walking over and pulling a blanket over his Padawan. Kanan's hands were shaking again, hard enough to that Ezra noticed but didn't to mention it. "Just checking on you."
Ezra laid down letting Kanan tuck him in. "I'm fine."
"I know. Get some sleep, both of you."
"What makes you think I'm awake?" Zeb asked, not moving.
"Because I know you," Kanan said, running his hand through Ezra's hair, for his own sake not the kid's. The white bandage over the twin lighsaber burns reminded Kanan how close they came today of not being fine. The kid would probably have those scars for the rest of his life. But it was a comfort knowing that they were all alive and whole.
"You get some sleep too," Ezra said with a serious look in his eyes.
"Some Jedi I am," Kanan teased, "Getting bossed around by my own student."
With one last smile Kanan rejoined Hera in the hallway walking past his own room and swung his head into the cockpit. Chopper buzzed something that sounded like threats and one that clearly meant "Go away". Satisfied and comforted by the knowledge that everyone was alright he followed Hera into his room and pulled off his boots.
It took a moment for the two of them to settle but when they did he draped an arm around her waist, pulling her close; it wasn't exactly roomy on the Ghost's narrow bunks but right now Kanan appreciated that. It meant that he was forced to hold Hera close and it was nice knowing that there was someone else here, that he wasn't alone. Still there was one thing he had to know…
"Why did you take the time to paint the TIE you stole?"
"…Do you want the comfort of not knowing or would you rather hear it now?"
Kanan gave an exasperated sigh into her neck.