Disclaimer: I don't own GLEE or anyone in it though I wish I did.
Author's Note: I had to post this :) Rachel finding out about Santana. LOVE TO ALL!
She lays wide awake in bed, her hair damp and loose from her shower, clad in silk PJ's and tucked tightly under the covers. The red illuminated numbers on her alarm clock read 1:02am as she rolls over onto her back, glaring at the ceiling.
She can't sleep. She doesn't want to. It hurts too much.
She threw her phone at the wall in an act of fury from all of the incoming texts and calls from Finn and it still lay broken and dead on her carpet at the far side of her bedroom. She doesn't want to go pick it up, put the batteries back in it and delete his number or change the ringtone for him from "Faithfully" to "My Happy Ending" or "Losing My Grip" or something heartbreaking and with angst. It'll be all kinds of mortification, pain and sadness.
She lays frozen, squeezing her eyes shut and listening to the quiet buzz of her fan overhead, attempting to find peace. She doesn't so she kicks off her covers, finding it's too hot with them on but too cold with them off. She groans inaudibly, sitting up and running and hand through her wet tresses, biting her lip and feeling tears well up in her eyes again.
It's like she can practically feel his jersey under her pillow that she usually wears to go to sleep ridiculing her. Like she can actually feel his heartbreak and sadness. Like she can actually feel his heartbeat and soft, rhythmic breathing. His pleas echo in her head and his pained face haunts her thoughts.
It's absolutely mockingly suffocating.
She switches on the bedside lamp and blinks as her eyes adjust to the new glowing light. She glances around her room at her Broadway posters and fuzzy pillows and chairs and stuffed animals. She skips over the pictures that she knows are of him and her eyes finally settle on the mirror opposite her. She glowers at her reflection: red-rimmed eyes, deep frown lines and a huge pout on her lips, she's depressed to see herself. She looks broken and scarred and she swore that she'd never let him do that to her again. He swore he wouldn't.
She falls back against the pillows, unable to take another moment of seeing herself, as she rubs her face in exhaustion. She rolls onto her side and looks at the clock. 1:09am. Releasing a long sigh, she squeezes her eyes shut to stop the tears from falling.
Like any cheesey movie, scenes of them play like a slideshow through her head.
Meeting him and instantly falling for him. His charm, his cinnamon eyes and his adorable half-smile.
Getting to know him and falling deeper. His wit, his kindness, his dedication and his adorable clueless tendencies.
First kiss. Electricty and so much feeling in it. Sparks as he laid her so tenderly down on the stage, gazing at her for a moment before capturing her lips. Tasting like Virgin Cosmos and Finn. Breaking away and gazing at her with lustful eyes and awe before kissing her firmer. Running away and leaving her in tears because he got too excited.
First heartbreak. Abandoning her for Quinn again. Leaving her confused and self-concious.
Falling back under his spell too willingly.
Being his friend. Having to live with it.
First date. Masked conversation over pepperoni pizza and flirty bowling. Second kiss filled with so much hope and potential. Promises of everything being okay again.
Betrayl. Manipulated. Mortified. Hurt. Finding out he lied. Slapping him and asking him why. Listening to him claim the kiss was real. More humiliation and pain. A feeble declaration of moving on and leaving him seeping in guilt, shaking as she went.
Once again running back. Wanting to support him. Wanting him to be happy.
Friendship. Tension. Unanswered questions of what if?
Desperation. Running to Puckerman in hopes of recognition. Failed trials of hopes to move on. Only subtle jealousy from him. Breaking it off with Puckerman and headed back to square one.
Seduction and pursuing. Humiliating herself in attempt to gain his attention. Left broken hearted again because she'd never be Quinn.
More abandonment and mortification. Leaving her alone to take the picture. Claiming he wanted to. Knowing he's scared of the consequences. Disappointment.
Forgiving him anyway because she can't stay mad at him.
Sympathy and hurt. Having to tell him it's all a lie. Telling him he's betrayed. Telling him he's been manipulated. Suffering through his anger and hurt. Hating herself afterward.
Pain. Missing him. Wishing he'd come back.
Hope. His return. Pride from his bravery. Winning Sectionals. Seeing him broken. Offering support.
Confidence. Being his rock. Letting him vent. Comforting him. Spending Christmas break with him. Calls at two in the morning. Pacing and screaming and crying. Watching him in his depression. Listening to him. Telling him that he's incredible.
Another kiss. Fiery and angry. Smashing his lips against her surprised ones, taking out his emotions. Letting him. Kissing him back even though she knows she shouldn't.
Excitement. Finally...they could be together. Ignoring the signs.
Heartbreak. Being told he needs to find his 'inner rock star'. Telling him she knows who he is better than anyone. Being honest. Crying and walking away from him feeling sick.
Jealously. Watching him talk with those trampy cheerleaders at rehearsal like nothing ever happened. Letting her anger get the best of her. Giving him hell. Feeling even worse afterward.
Opportunity. Jesse St. James. Senior. Talented. Interested. Hopes of leaving him behind.
Listening to feeble apologies. Feeling nothing but anger. Shoving it in his face when he tells her he wants to be with her. Telling him to move on because she finally had (even though she hadn't.)
Unsure of intentions. Asking Jesse if he's for real. Believing him even though she doesn't really.
Torn. His genuine apology and hope for being with her really. Telling him no. Lying to him. Her heart leaping in her chest when he says he doesn't give up easily. Singing with him. The tables being turned.
Trying to be his friend while battling feelings for him. Having to tell him she's still with Jesse. Hurting when she sees his face.
Envy. Hearing about his date with Santana. Hoping he doesn't do anything. Setting up a date of her own because she wants to be ready.
Backing out. Not being able to sleep with Jesse because she still loves him. Lying that it's about betarying the team when really it's about betraying Finn.
Hope. Hearing that he didn't sleep with Santana. Lying to him anyway.
Using him. Being close to him again for 'Run Joey Run'. Loving him holding her.
Anger. Accusations. Being told that her reputation is more imortant than her relationships.
Apologizing. Being left unforgiven.
Laryngitis. Defeat. Being taken care of by him because Jesse's gone. Loving it secretly.
Torn. 'Jessie's Girl'. Being 'Finn's Girl' all along.
The return of St. James. Distance from Finn. Pressure from Jesse.
Abandoned. Betrayed. Mortified. Being left alone. Heartbroken by Jesse.
Humiliation. Egged by Vocal Adrenaline. Being picked up and dusted off by Finn.
Getting out of her funk thanks to Finn. Leaving Jesse in the dust.
Worry. Apprehension. Fear. Regionals is on it's way. Defeat that Sue Sylvester will ruin Glee Club. Finn being the light in the darkness.
Kissing on the stairs. Listening to him ramble about being a leader. Determination. Kissing him because she has no doubt she loves him and never stopped.
Hope. They can do it.
Love. So much of it. Fiddling with her hair and giving him a smile. Three strides. Three words. Another three. "Break a leg." "I love you." Breathless. So happy. Disbelief. Hope. Singing her heart out and knowing that they have it.
Losing. Failure. Being told she's unwabted by her own mother. Crying. Hurt. Holding his hand and crying into his shoulder on the way home. Him stroking her hair and murmuring his love for her. Not feeling so bad anymore. Knowing she won the real prize.
Incredulity. They have another year. Holding his hand in her lap as they listen to 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow'. Knowing dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
Bliss. Spending endless amounts of time with him. Words of love. Fun. Affection. So happy it's impossible.
Apprehension. Going back to school. Not wanting to. Promises that everything will be fine.
Shame. Disappointment in herself for being so self-centered. Acceptance from him. Loving him more than ever.
Quarrels and predicaments. Working through it because she loves him too much.
Taking steps together. Trusting him. Loving him.
More bliss. Being with him wholely. Loving him and being loved.
And now, heartbreak. Hurt. Turmoil. Pain. Not knowing what to believe anymore. Still loving him. Betrayl, sadness and cofusion.
She opens her eyes again and sits up in bed, glancing in the direction of her phone again. Deliberating for a moment, she slides out of bed and slinks over to the broken, pink studded phone. She picks up the cell phone and the batteries, putting them back in. She presses the power button and holds her breath, watching the screen hopefully. Smiling in relief when it turns on, she creeps back to her bed and sits down, taking a deep breath.
Despite flaws and issues and mistakes, he's worth it. He's worth all the pain and turmoil. She loves him way too much to let anything come between them...that's been proven in past situations. She's still sad and hurt but she knows that no matter what, she loves him and he has her forgiveness before he needs it.
Pressing the '2' on speed dial, she listens to the dial tone holding her breath, hoping he'll pick up. She needs to hear his voice.
On the third ring, he picks up and she's not surprised. He can never sleep when he's stressed. "Rach?" he asks, his voice hoarse. Her chest tightens as she listens to his wary and hopeful tone. "Are you okay, baby?"
That's when she knows one hundred and fifty percent that she made the right decision of working things out with him.
"Yah, I'm fine" she replies softly. "Umm...can we talk? I'm kind of ready to forgive you...because...well...I love you more than anything, Finn."
He laughs, one burst of incredulity and joy. "Of course" he says with affection. "My girl...always straight to the point. I love you way, way, way more, Rach."
She smiles genuinely for the first time in what feels like forever. "Oh, Finn."
AN #2- REVIEW! NO HATERS! I'M REALLY TIRED SO LOVE TO ALL!