The nights had started getting darker and colder each evening as the ice cold breeze chilled the air in Holby as it wailed every night to the lead up to Christmas, the season of joy and good will but not to me, not this year. For the past week or so I had been nothing but depressed and deflated from my usual self with the exterior all happy and bubbly at work that I was coping fine to the build up to Christmas but deep down my heart was frozen like an ice queen, completely heartless to the core even now when I thought of Jeff nothing could make me smile right now

After a long day working on Christmas eve it felt good to be home in a way, that I get to put my feet up after ungodly hours shift but lonely to spend another evening on my own again thinking Jeff would come home any minute but never does. Most nights I've been able to finish six pack of Carlsberg or a bottle and a half of red to cope but the buzz wore off hours later and I felt entirely low again and even some times I thought I was going crazy by hearings Jeff's voice around the house but that was no way possible.

I finished off another bottle of red and looked at happier moments of my life with Jeff from old photos in some scrapbooks, the memories were still fresh in my mind as I saw photos when we were on holiday together or when we were mucking around. This morning when I got ready for work my heart sank even further into new depth when I found my Christmas present from Jeff hidden around the house, it felt so wrong to have receive them from the dead so I left the presents where I found them, I couldn't put myself through the pain again of thinking about Jeff because all I saw when I thought of him was the explosions, there was nothing to look forward to this Christmas…..

My eyes woke an hour later and I felt absolutely smashed from the wine as the noise in the room got louder by the second, the radio had been playing Jeff's favourite Christmas song 'Last Christmas' from Wham. The knock on the door scared the living daylights out of me as I got up from the sofa and answered the front door

'What the…' I exclaimed

'A simple hello would have sufficed Dixs' Iain greeted me

'Happy Christmas eve Dixie' Tamzin interjected, moving out behind him

'I don't understand what's going on?'

'You don't have too we thought we'd come and surprise you' he explained

'If you're here to check up on me then I'm fine, I don't need babysitting by anyone'

'I thought I'd come and see how you are since it's our first Christmas without Jeff but clearly you're doing fine, we'll leave you to it' she stated, both turning away from the door

'Wait a sec guys, that's very humbug of me, and I've been doing ok so far but some company would be nice tho'

'You should have told me something at work that you were feeling lonely' Iain interjected

'I am only a phone call away Dixs if you needed someone to talk to, I know how you feel'

'So are you going to invite us in?' he asked

'I'd be rude not too' I replied

I unfolded my arms from chest and stood aside from the middle of the door frame, allowing them inside the cold house, they sat down on the couch as I lit up the fireplace to warm the room up but my heart still felt cold with their presence in the room, wanting to go back into regret and denial mode that Jeff was still gone. Conversation had eased during the evening while we played Monopoly together, a Christmas tradition that Jeff and I did every year but it felt wrong to play the game without him so I choose his favourite token the race car to go around the board in his memory….

'What's going on Dixs?' Iain asked

'I can't do this anymore I'm sorry, I just can't do this game right now'

'What's up Dixie? You're winning right now in the game and I don't see what the problem is'

'That is it, nobody does Iain. You've all seem to have forgotten him but I haven't, I remember him every day since he died'

'You don't think we're not grieving for him as well'

'I miss him every day too Dixie as much as you do, we were going to start a life together but it was taken away before we had the chance. So I do know what you're going through' Tamzin admitted

'But it's not the same Tamzin you were only together a couple of months, Jeff had been a part of my life for seven years. How do you fill a gap like that when it's gone?'

'It's impossible sometimes to fill a gap in your life when it's gone but you can always remember the good times you shared together, you just need to find closure before you get there'

'Then how do I get there' I shouted

'That's something you need to work out on your own because everyone is different to the word closure' she stated

'Thanks for your most pointless advice ever because everyone keeps on saying the same bloody thing time and time again. You know what; just go the both of yea; I don't need babysitting today or tomorrow or any other day in the future. I'm coping just fine on my own'

'Right lets go Tamzin, at least we tried to help' Iain yelled

'Iain that's not fair and you know it. We'll go Dixie but you can't keep pushing your friends away every time they try to reach out and get close to you, to grieve with you and offer their full support at a time like this. We've all been here; think of Jeff in our own unique way to cope with the loss of our friend too but life goes on, if not your still trapped in the past waiting for a miracle to happen when it won't. We are only a phone call away if you need us' she explained

Tamzin rose up from where she stood and left the room with Iain, leaving the house quickly as the door slamming shut echoed around the house, my façade finally dropped as the plain bitter truth from my friends sank in. Wiping the tears away I somehow managed to get into bed without realising it as my eyes were still watery and my throat completely dry after a big mucky sob, drifting off into a deep coma….

'Hey, hey princess. Wake up Dixs' a familiar voice spoke softly in my ear, seeing a ghost like resemblance of Jeff

'Jeff is that really you' I enquired

'No I'm the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Course it's me silly' Jeff joked

'But that's not possible you…'

'Died, yeah you can say it Dixs. Us spirits can't come back to the real world and intervene in people's lives but we can break through to your minds while you're sleeping to project an image' he explained

'Is that what this is right now? You're projecting an image of yourself in my mind'

'I've broken the rules of the spirit world by talking to you in this state, I can only put images of myself in your mind and delete them when you awake, talking is forbidden but I've got a few minutes before I'm sent back to where I came from but I can never see you again after this' he admitted

'You can't just go now that I've spoken to you again. I need you; I need you in my life again Jeff' I cried

'I know you do princess but I've seen you've been doing fine since I was gone and I need you to carry on living for me, it may seem hard right now but you'll get through it with some help. I know Tamzin and Iain would be more than happy to help'

'How do you know about that?'

'I can see and hear what everyone says in the land of the living, I'm like god I'm everywhere' he replied 'Did you like what I gotten you for Christmas?'

'I don't know Jeff I haven't opened the present yet. I can't even look at it so I've left it where I found it'

'The time will come when it's right for you to move on Dixie but never forget about me and what we had, I love you kid. I hope you like what I've gotten you and your wish for Christmas day' he proclaimed, hugging me tightly

'I love you too Jeffery and Thanks' I exclaimed, burying my face in the crook of his neck

'For what' he stated, confused

'One last proper goodbye' I admitted

The presence of Jeffery slipped away from my gasp as his figure dissolved in front of my eyes and disappeared from sight. My eyes flew open and jerked my body up and out of the bed, I couldn't wait a second longer and raced out of the bedroom and down to the cupboard under the stairs, grabbing the medium size box I walked back upstairs in wonder what could be inside. I untied the ribbon not on the box and lifted the lid to find a stuffed toy monkey inside, picking up the plush toy I squeezed the centre of the monkey.

'Hello princess, I Love yea Dixie' Jeff's voice spoke sweetly

The present was just exactly what I needed right now if not wanted for Christmas, that little something personal from the heart of Jeff to always remind me of him and give me that little confidence boost when I felt low at times around the house when it became pin drop silent.

The yellow glow of the street light outside my bedroom window shadowed droplets of rain against the cream curtains, surly not another Christmas being a wash out like the last two years. I got up from the bed and strolled towards the window and placed my hand on the soft material, pushing the curtain open to see the street covered in a thick white blanket of snow, a first white Christmas I've seen in years since I was little girl, warms tears pricked my eyes and flowed happily as my long devoured secret wish finally came true but I couldn't help but think Jeff might have something to do with it snowing. I knew we both loved each other very much but deep down I knew he would want me to carry on living for him, for us but I'll always miss him. Looking up at the dark cloudy sky above with snow pouring down heavily on the ground below I knew Jeff would be looking down at us with a big warm smile on his face.

'I love yea kid' I whispered