"Because I love you, dammit," Grissom snapped. He stood staring out the window trying to ignore the woman standing across the room. Never had he met someone who could goad him like Sara could.
The argument had started at the lab. Well, it was not really an argument. It was more of a discussion with Sara doing all the talking, as usual. This one did not start because Sara had found another guy to keep her company or Grissom had gone to dinner with some other woman. The usual reasons were used up. This started because Sara had finally had enough.
Grissom had paired himself with Sara and everything was going great. The flirting, the not-quite touching, the lingering looks resumed as if the last two or three years had not happened. By the time the two headed back to the lab Sara was so distracted she couldn't think straight. Just before end of shift, she walked into Grissom's office and closed the door. Her intention was to try to continue to bridge the gap between them. However, even the best laid plans can backfire.
When Grissom clammed up, and acted like she was speaking in some obscure language, something inside her just snapped. She stormed out of the lab and drove to his house. As soon as he pulled into the driveway she was out ofher car. His only options were to air their laundry (dirty or not) in front of his neighbors or invite her in. Grissom never thought twice.
Sara stood by Grissom's front door; hand on the knob, with her mouth agape. She finally reminded herself to breathe and drew a ragged breath into her lungs. "What did you say?" she croaked.
"You heard me," Grissom said softly. The anger seemed to drain from his body. His shoulders sagged. He propped his hands on the window sill and let out a shaky breath. "You heard me," he repeated.
"Is that such a bad thing?" Sara asked. "Is it really so horrible to admit that you have feelings for me?"
"No, Sara, it's not horrible. It is painful and wonderful and impossible. But it is not horrible," Grissom said. With his confession hanging in the air, Grissom couldn't seem to stop the words. How had he let her push him this far? For a man who valued his self-control he wasn't doing so well in that department right now.
"Look at me," Sara said. "Please."
Grissom straightened up and turned around. His breathing was rapid, jaw clenched and expression inscrutable. "Are you satisfied?" he demanded.
"Satisfied? How could you possibly think that I would be satisfied by this?" Sara bit out. "I have waited years to hear those words from you and, for some reason; this is not how I imagined it would be." Sarcasm dripped from her last statement but seemed lost on Grissom.
At Grissom's silence Sara allowed a small chuckle to escape. Shaking her head at the absurdity of the situation she released the door and took a couple of steps into the room. "Can we sit down please?" she asked. "There are some things I need to say."
Grissom gestured toward the sofa. Following her over, he took a seat next to her. The distance between them seemed greater than the mere inches that separated them physically. Sara turned her body and leaned back into the corner drawing her legs up under her and folding her hands in her lap. Grissom remained sitting stiffly, facing forward.
"I don't quite know where to start," Sara said. "I know you probably don't believe that, but it's true. I know you would rather just forget this whole thing but I can't do that. I need to know why you continue to deny how you feel. Can't we just try having a conversation?"
"Sara," Grissom mumbled, "I don't know what to say."
"You are a brilliant man and a nationally renowned scientist. You have given lectures before hundreds of people. You just said that you love me. How can you not know what to say now?" Sara asked.
"Science is based in fact. There is no guess work, no emotion. I understand science. I don't understand you," Grissom stated with a slight shrug, turning his head to look at Sara.
Closing her eyes, Sara drew in a deep breath and expelled it in a rush. Opening her eyes she met his gaze and gave a half smile. "What if I said that I'm not sure what to say either? Would you feel better then?" Sara asked.
"The indomitable Sara Sidle doesn't know what to say?" Grissom quipped. The glint in his eye took the sting out of his words.
"Oh there is plenty I want to say. I'm just not sure you are ready to hear it," Sara said with a laugh.
"Okay, you talk and I'll listen." Throwing up a hand to ward her off, Grissom said, "I know that is not how you want this conversation to go so I'll do my best to hold up my end of it."
"Well, I want to start with why I'm here," Sara stated, "In Vegas – not your house. I came here to do a favor for a friend. I accepted the job for a chance to work in one of the best labs in the country. I kept the job to be near you and because you asked me to. I have never tried to hide how I feel. I have made you uncomfortable. I have embarrassed myself. I have been hurt. Nothing has caused my feelings to waver."
"Sara," Grissom started only to be cut off.
"Let me finish," Sara said. "I have known for a long time how you feel about me. I heard you with Lurie. I knew that you were talking about me. It broke my heart that I wasn't worth the risk. It also gave me hope. God, how crazy does that sound?"
"I'm sorry," Grissom whispered. "I didn't know you were there."
"Would it have changed how you feel or just what you allowed yourself to say?" Sara asked.
Grissom met her gaze before dropping his eyes to the floor.
"Did you think that by not saying anything you could make it stop?" Sara questioned. "That doesn't work. Believe me I've tried."
"What?" Grissom asked jerking his gaze back to hers.
"Oh, you don't like that," Sara said. "You don't want to admit that you care about me but you don't want me to forget that I care about you. Something is very wrong here."
"I never tried to forget," Grissom said. "I have done my best to ignore it but I could never forget. It has become a part of who I am." He closed his eyes as if this admission were too private for even this time and place.
"Well, don't look so upset about it. It isn't the end of the world. Is it?" Sara said. "I guess I just don't understand why you fight so hard against me. You don't seem to have this problem with anyone else."
"Sara," Grissom said on a sigh, "I don't have anything to lose with anyone else. Don't you understand that I am no good at relationships? I am old and set it my ways. I have enjoyed the occasional date but there is no commitment and no emotional investment. I can't say it would be the same with you."
Sara leaned forward and touched Grissom's forearm. Her words came rushing out. "So what you're telling me is that in order to keep yourself from any kind of emotional entanglement you deny how you feel? If you do love me you are already involved. Does keeping it inside make it any less real?"
Grissom shook his head and said, "No. It is, and always has been, real."
"Then what are you going to do about it?" Sara asked.
"Would you believe that I still don't know?" Grissom said with a sad smile, his attempt at humor falling flat. "Seriously, Sara, what do you expect me to do? I can't change who I am. I can't be what you want me to be."
"How do you know what I want you to be? Why do you think I want you to change? I love you now. What is so hard for you to understand?" Sara stopped to catch her breath, her frustration apparent. She stopped her questioning to let Grissom catch up. His dazed expression said that he was overwhelmed.
"Okay," Sara said, "let's start with something simple. Do you think about me when I am not around?"
"Yes," Grissom whispered not meeting Sara's direct gaze.
"Good. Do you enjoy my company when I am around? Let's ignore the fighting for now," Sara said.
"Yes," Grissom said a little louder this time.
"Alright," Sara said. "Do you have fantasies about me? You don't have to be graphic. A simple yes or no will do."
Grissom's head snapped around and he gave Sara a shocked look. "I don't think I can answer that"
"I'll take that as a yes," Sara said giving Grissom her brightest smile. "Now, I haven't gathered a lot of evidence but it all seems to point in the same direction."
"What direction is that?" Grissom asked, smiling in spite of himself.
"I think that the evidence says we should give this a shot. You are denying both of us something that we want. I, for one, am getting a little bit fed up," Sara told Grissom.
"And what happens if it doesn't work?" Grissom questioned. "How can we go back to what we have now?"
Sara shook her head and asked, "What do we have now? We are barely friends. We make everyone around us uncomfortable. Why would we want to continue in this vein? Much less go back?"
"You know, when you put it that way, it doesn't really make sense to go back. How did it get this way Sara?" Grissom asked, truly puzzled.
"Two people refusing to give an inch for the other. I refused to give up and you refused to give in. It isn't easy to keep that kind of tension out of every aspect of your life," Sara said.
"If I tell you again that you're right would you believe me?" Grissom asked.
This drew a chuckle from Sara. She ranher hands through her hair. Tucking it behind her ears she reached out and took Grissom's hand, saying "All I want is a chance. A chance to spend time together, to find out if this could work. Is that too much to ask?"
Grissom turned his hand over and held on to Sara. "It might be. I have never met another woman who can twist me in knots the way you do. I'm afraid that I could do something to drive you away. I am afraid," Grissom said.
"Do you think I'm not? I am just as scared as you are. I have just as much at stake. The difference is that I am willing to take the chance on you that you aren't willing to take on me," Sara said quietly, trying unsuccessfully to pull her hand back.
"Sara, why do you love me?" Grissom asked looking into Sara's eyes.
"Wow, you don't ask easy questions do you?" Sara said. "This might take a few minutes. I love your intelligence. You challenge me to be better than I am. I love your compassion. You try to pretend that you are unaffected by the things we see when you really feel it very deeply. I love your intensity. I love your sense of humor. I love the way I feel when you look at me. I love your hair and the cleft in your chin. I love the color of your eyes. I love the way you walk. I love the way you protect the people who work for you…."
"Okay, okay," Grissom said. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes wouldn't meet her gaze. "Stop before I get a complex. Do you really see all of those things in me?"
"Oh yeah," Sara said, "all that and more"
"Sara," Grissom raised his eyes to hers, "can I kiss you? I know that we are still a long way from a solution but I don't…" Grissom's voice trailed off when Sara began nodding her head.
"Yes," she whispered.
Releasing her hand from his grasp, Grissom turned his body toward hers. He placed his hand on her cheek and bent forward slowly. Just before his lips touched hers for the first time he whispered her name.
Never had a man kissed her the way Grissom did. He fitted his lips to hers gently. There was a reverence in the exchange that she had never experienced before. She sighed against his lips. A feeling of completion swept over her. She knew they could never go back.
Grissom kissed Sara with a tenderness he didn't know he possessed. There was no urge to deepen the kiss. All he wanted to do was keep his lips against hers forever. He had denied this for so long that he was afraid to truly let himself go.
Pulling back Grissom watched Sara's eyes flutter open. "We crossed that line didn't we?" he asked softly.
"I think we did," Sara said. "What happens now?"
"I guess I'll have to work on what I'm going to do about this," Grissom said.
"I think you better," Sara told him reaching out and pulling him to her.
The kiss this time was sexual. There was no hesitation on either side. Lips parted, they came together. Their tongues explored each other's mouths. Sara's hands were on Grissom's shoulders. His hands were in her hair. All the emotions of the previous hours coalesced in this one kiss. Years of longing and denial were thrown on the table. Breaking apart Grissom leaned his forehead against Sara's their breath mingling.
"Oh God, Sara, what do we do now?" Grissom groaned out.
"I have a few suggestions," Sara said in a throaty voice. "I just don't know which one to try out first."
Grissom chuckled as he moved away from Sara. Trying to put a little distance between them he took hold of her hand and leaned back on the sofa. "I want more that a physical relationship. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy," Grissom said.
"I want that too but you know we don't have to make any decisions today. We can let this take its natural course. I don't want you to do anything you aren't ready for," Sara said.
"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" Grissom asked with a grin.
"Yeah, I guess it is," Sara said giving him another of her amazing smiles.
Grissom laughed and Sara joined him. There was a definite sense of freedom that came from baring your soul to another person. The relief made Sara almost giddy. Things weren't perfect, by any means, but they had made a start.