Hey Guys!
I've tried to translate a very great fanfic from the german archive. Its called "Weg" and its from Rachel Berry. I have her permission to do this.
It's basically about how Dean deals with the grief of the loss of Castiel.
I'm sorry if there are any mistakes or grammar, which is wrong. English isn't my mother tongue, but I tried to do my best. So if there are errors, please let me know :)
"No… No…"
Sam didn't know how long this was going on. He also didn't know what to do to make it stop.
He only knew that this kept him awake.
This and that he never saw his brother this much desperate, never in his whole life.
"Cas…", murmured Dean in sleep and rolled from one side to another.
Sam closed his eyes. Cas was gone. Away. Dead. And he would never come back to them again.
And even it was a loss for him; maybe it was better that way. They had at least one problem less to solve.
No crazy ex-angel anymore, who mistook himself for God.
But on the other side Sam hated himself for only thinking so about this.
He knew, that Castiel and his brother were somehow connected, which he could never fully understand and he knew, that this was going to kill Dean. From the inside.
He didn't talk with Sam about this.
He didn't talk with Bobby about this.
Sam suggested that he could write down what he felt, but Dean tapped only his forehead to Sam.
"NO!"
Sam opened his eyes and turned to the site to see Dean.
The older hunter sat up straight; his pupils wandered frantic back and forth, scanned the dark hotel room for something, what would never be here again. His fingers clinged into the blanket and in the pale moonlight Sam could see some sweat running down his forehead.
He looked like a frightened child.
"Dean", said Sam softly, trying not to scar his brother, but nonetheless he flinched.
His head turned to Sam and his eyes narrowed angrily.
Energetic Dean turned back the blanket, stood up, put on his jeans and his jacket and went before Sam could say anything to the door of the motel room.
"I'm going to sleep in the Impala", he said without looking at Sam and went straight out into the cold air of the night.
With a sigh he stroked his face. Sam shouldn't have seen this. Him in this condition.
He was the older one.
He must be strong. For his little brother.
He lay down on the backseat of his car, drew up his legs and embraced his torso with his arms.
His broken heart hurt with every goddamnit heartbeat.
He tried hard to keep his eyes open. Not to fall asleep. Because he knew, what he would see as soon as he fell asleep.
He knew, what he would see as soon as he dreamt.
Castiel lay on the ground. Streaming with blood. It looked terrible. Dean and Bobby kneeled next to him during Bobby touched Castiels skin.
"He is cold."
Dean took a deep breath: "Is he breathing?"
But answered his own question immediately by holding his hand over Castiel's face.
"No."
His stomach twisted.
"Maybe angels don't need to breath", he suggested, cling to this hope, but Bobby gave him a serious look.
"He's gone, Dean."
Dean's heart broke.
"Damn it", he mumbled as he got up.
His stupid little heart broke again.
Because of incomprehensible reasons it had set on Cas. From the beginning.
And now it was damaged. Again.
"Cas, you child", said Dean fighting with his tears as he looked down at Castiel.
Which lay so motionless, streaming with blood.
"Why didn't you listen to me?"
It wasn't really a question.
And suddenly all the wounds disappeared from Castiel's face and he opened his eyes.
Exactly the same blue as always, they looked around confused.
Dean's heart was suddenly intact.
"Cas!", he shouted, kneeled beneath him.
Castiel's gaze darted around still confused.
"Hey! Hey."
With Bobby together, they pulled Castiel in a sitting position.
"That was unpleasant."
They help Castiel to stand up.
"I'm alive", detected Castiel and Dean's heart laughed inside.
He lived.
If there was a God, then Dean thanked him for that Castiel was still alive.
"Thank you, both of you."
"We were mostly tried to save the World."
"I'm ashamed. I'll find some way to redeem myself to you", promised Castiel.
"Come on, let's get you out of here, come on", urged Dean holding Castiels Trenchcoat tight.
Together they walked to the door.
"Dean", Cas kept him back and gave him an intense look. "I mean it."
"Okay", said Dean. It didn't matter to him. Castiel lived, that's the only matter.
"Okay. Alright, lets go and find Sam."
Suddenly Castiel pushed him and Bobby away.
"You need to run. Now", was all he could say, before he writhed in pain.
"I- I can't hold them back."
"Hold who back?" questioned Dean frightened.
Castiel writhed again and gasped: "The demon inside of me."
"Dean!"
His blue eyes, which mirrored his pain, sank into Dean's.
"No. No. No." pounded in Dean's mind.
"They are too strong", Castiel's body writhed again. He fought obvious against these demons.
Dean sent Bobby away. Castiel was obvious in awful pain. He tried not to scream.
And then- "To late."
"Cas?" Dean asked but knows at the same time it wasn't Castiel anymore.
Castiel grabbed him by the lapels and laughed: "Castiel is… gone." He laughed in his face. "He's dead!"
And Dean heart broke. Again.
Again Dean woke up with a start. Disoriented he looked around him, until he recognized, that he lay in his car.
He was still gone.
Dean lay again on the backseat.
He was still dead.
Dean's heart ached and only by thinking and although he didn't want to cry, a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"Cas…" the name slipped almost silently over his lips and he could, would never accept that he would never speak to Cas like that.
That he could never see in these blue eyes.
That he could never see how Castiel cocked confused his head, anytime he didn't understand anything.
He had looked so incredible adorable.
He could never kiss him again.
Castiel didn't understand it until the end, why Dean sometimes wanted to kiss him.
He had never anything against it, but also didn't understood, why Dean did this.
That knew Dean.
"Why are you doing this again?", asked Castiel as Dean lay upon him and looked at him curious.
It was this time which he spent separate from his brother. And Castiel didn't understand, what he meant to him.
Much.
Unbelievable much.
"Because I want to", Dean smiled and buried his hands in Castiel's soft, black hair.
"But I don't get it", contradicted Castiel, but Dean stifled all coming words with one kiss.
It was beautiful to kiss Castiel.
Also even he didn't respond exactly to it and just led by Dean or tried to respond and bite Dean's lip bloody.
Today he allowed to be led.
"Could we not just agree on: If I want to, we kiss?", questioned Dean, after he stopped the kiss.
"But why we don't tell it anyone?"
Dean was stuck for an answer, but he just kissed Castiel again.
Sam couldn't understand him. Dean was clear of that.
First of all because Sam didn't know how much of his heart has belonged to the angel and second because he thought this wouldn't maybe be such a big loss.
But Dean thought differently. He liked a crazy ex-angel, who thought he was God, more than a world without Castiel.
But he was gone, away. Dead.
He would never come back. Dean's heart was programmed on non-stop pain.
It hurt, non-stop.
It was like it would break again every single minute.
"I love you, Cas", Dean whispered in this cold silence of his car. "I love you."
And he would never accept it, that he was dead. No, he couldn't.
He wasn't ready for this now.
Sam would notice nothing. He was good at pretending everything is alright, though he was dead inside.
And at night… Well he and Sam would take separate rooms, than Sam would notice nothing at the night, too.
He would never accept it. Never.