Human!Loki
I take these pills to make me thin
I dye my hair, and cut my skin
I try everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that's not me
Loki sneered at the half blue, half white capsules in his hand before tossing them back, grimacing at the familiar, bland taste. Throwing the orange prescription bottle back in his sock drawer, he went to the bathroom to check his reflection.
The hair color of the week was neon green, highlighting his natural electric green eyes. Satisfied no black roots were showing, he walked back out of the bathroom, ignoring Thor's hulking, sleepy figure in the hall.
He poured himself some cereal, and paused at the refrigerator. Why did everyone put milk in their bowls in the morning? Milk was bland, boring. Ignoring his mother's confused look, he grabbed the orange juice instead. Another quirk to Loki Odinson: he takes OJ with his cereal rather than milk.
Loki smirked. All for the sake of visibility.
Even when I'm walking on a wire
Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Later that day, in Chem 101, Loki got bored. Loki was, typically, dangerous when bored. Under the cow-like, dumb gaze of his lab partner (whose name he couldn't care to find out) Loki grabbed some random chemicals from the nearby storage shelf, and returning to his seat, he ignored his half-asleep partner, smiled innocently at the watching teacher, and deliberately poured the unknown chemicals into one beaker.
The resulting explosion shocked even him. His sweater sleeve caught on fire, he was sure he no longer had eye brows, and his lab partner lurched from the table with a screech belaying his zombie-like appearance of earlier.
He only got four weeks of in-school suspension. He was distantly disappointed it didn't make the news, most of the things he did at least got a mention.
Everyday I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Besides the random, outlandish hair colors, Loki dressed to the nines. Most days.
His typical appearance was expensive skinny jeans, the latest style in the newest brand of shoes, nice button-downs of various, dark, rich colors, and a nice, tuxedo button-up vest. In the colder months he wore a long-ish pea coat with an emerald and gold colored scarf. Very casual-formal.
Outside, he was impeccable, but inside he felt like a maelstrom of fear, anger, insanity, and self-loathing. Oh, he knew his family's deepest darkest secret. He was adopted, from the greatest business rival of Odin, Laufey Jötun, a criminal who talked his way put of the legal system. Loki despised his real father, and in turn despised himself.
He wanted to be seen as Loki Liesmith, not Odinson or Laufeyson. Just himself.
Here inside, my quiet hell
You cannot hear, my cries for help
I try everything, to make them see me
But every one, sees what I can't be
Loki couldn't sleep anymore. His mind had started to fracture, and voices that sounded like his whispered to him. They told him many awful things, malicious things, and he started cutting himself to make them stop, stop, stop, STOP!
He started wearing gloves, long, fingerless ones, to hide the scars. He was afraid, yet curious, that someone would find out, get him help, because he was too proud to ask for it directly.
He started doing more pranks, more jokes, more activities that made him stand out. He put a whole lot of condoms in the school's biggest jock's locker (Steve Rodgers), with his name proudly stamped on the package of each and every one. He got detention for three days.
He spray painted his name on the football team's helmets with neon orange, the school color of their biggest rivals. That was only two days.
No matter what he did, he was only seen as "Thor's troubled little brother." Everyone was disappointed in them, and he kept acting out, trying to be his own person. It never worked.
Even when I'm walking on a wire
Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Everyday I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
He caused three more explosions in Chem before they kicked him out. He took up wood working, and the steady thrum of creation, of building something, calmed him. But only for that hour. The voices that sounded like his talked to him constantly, and he didn't understand anymore. He just wanted them gone, out of his mind, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
He started cutting more and more, deeper.
Sometimes when I'm alone
I pretend that I'm a queen
It's almost believable
Loki made a small crown, royal, majestic, in that class. It was made with the silver wood of aspens, with little bits of mahogany for the jewels.
At night, he would put it on, and act like a king, loved, respected, cherished, and when he put the crown away, he cried because it wasn't real, and the voices that weren't his wouldn't stop reminding him that he wasn't loved, and he wanted them out, get out, GET OUT!
Even when I'm walking on a wire
Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Everyday I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
"Hey, you're Loki, right? Trickster of the school?" someone asked him as he was putting his books away in passing period. Taken by surprise, Loki jumped, hit his head against the stupid shelf that had no use in there, and dropped his science textbook.
"Oh, shit, sorry, man, I didn't mean to scare you like that." Turning around, Loki found himself looking down at the new kid, Tony Stark, as he went chasing after the skidding science book.
"Here, you probably don't want to loose that, I heard Mr. Slane has a mean right hook," he grinned, holding the book out to Loki. Shocked into silence, Loki took it. Sub-consciously, he noticed the voices that weren't his were silent, too. Hmm.
"I'm Tony, and I wanted to say thanks for the laugh," he continued, bringing Loki back to Earth from the far corners of his mind.
"What laugh?" Loki so eloquently asked. Tony grinned crookedly.
"That poster on my locker? Stark Raving Mad? You know, with the drawing of me slobbering all over myself with those glue-on googly-eye things? I was on the floor crying from that. Loved it, you have a real talent, and I'm starting to babble, so I'll shut up now." He grinned, as if it were completely normal to take something meant as an insult as a harmless joke. Loki blinked.
"It was meant as an insult," he managed, making Tony grin wider.
"I know, but it was totally boss, so is it all right if I laminate it and keep it? Why am I asking you, I'm gonna do it anyway, so I guess I'm telling you that I'm keeping it." Turning on his heel, he walked down the hall. Loki stared, a smile slowly forming, like the sun at dawn behind a cover of clouds.
"I expect copyrights! You can't take any of the credit!" He found himself shouting. It was forever since he had made a light-hearted joke, he realized. It felt good.
"Aw, c'mon, just a little? It's my name!" Tony called back, a fake pout on his face. Loki grinned, chuckled under his breath, and headed to his science class.
For the first time in two months, he didn't do something that involved destruction. Instead, he resorted into small mischief again, causing Mr. Slane to sigh in relief.
The voices that weren't his were finally quiet.
...
And he felt seen.