Welcome back Muckrakers! I've got the ice cold scoop for you on what been going down at McKinley High this week. Speaking of ice cold, new student Rory Flanagan has been feeling the cold shoulder of the McKinley high ice hockey team. He's just flown in from Ireland and after spending the week posing as a lepracorn, was revealed to be a fraud. In fact lepracorns I am sad to report do not actually exist which I was stunned to learn. I'm still dubious as I was the only one it seems to see him singing in class 'It Aint Easy Bein' Green'. I think he must still be travelsick from the flight:
*A Handy tip for travel Sickness Muckers: motion sickness can be cured by making sure you are also in motion. I recommend dancing in the aisles – particularly single ladies but not Paper Aeroplanes - security don't like the gunshot dance moves for some reason*
The hockey team are not the only bullies roaming the school. With resident hallway troll Dave Karofsky hanging up his club new bullies are coming out all over the Lima stone. I'm sad to say this included New Direction's Co-Captain Finn Hudson who's giant self has been fee fi fo fuming all over the school. Since the arrival of new New Directions member Blaine Warbler, Finn has been taking every opportunity to shoot him down and this week was no exception. When trying to boost the team after the shock departure of Mercedes, Finn tore Blaine a new one in front of everyone- we know you're super jealous Finn cause Blaine is way more talented than you (I mean seriously - did you catch him singing 'Last Friday Night'?) but seriously NO H8! Finn went on to attack me, your future class president in the hallway but I refused to take his BS and called him out. He later repented and even built bridges by inviting Rory to join New directions so I did forgive him… but that is officially strike 1!
West Side Story was on the verge of being cancelled until Kurt's dad Burt convinced Ohio's dealers in death to donate money for ad space (You should really try their pizza, their dough is kind of dusty but that makes it really tasty!) This spurred him on to run against Sue Sylvester in the upcoming election, did you catch him on the news? He's a total DILF1! I don't think Santana agrees though, she started yelling a lot of things about Lima Heights in Spanish but she calmed down when I agreed to come over with her to Shelby's all girl Glee club The Trouble Tones. I'm sad to leave the New Directions but I'm really excited to finally get to sing with Sugar and about sugar as well – we tore it up with a super sweet version of 'Candyman'.
Puck and Quinn have been spotted spending more time with baby Beth. Word is Quinn is looking to get Beth back by any means necessary including borrowing my hot sauce (great for getting out stains of cherrios uniforms!) to plant in Shelby's house. But Puck had a change of heart and took back the stuff she planted. Rumour has it he and Miss Shelby might be making a new baby if their alleged kiss is indeed true! Please note readers: like we learned about the lepracorn the stork is also made up. This ads to my list of mythical creatures that don't exist: lepracorns, storks, Easter bunnies and taxidermists. Thank Beiber unicorns are real! Speaking of which my favourite unicorn was a little MIA this week but my sources tell me he will be getting a LOT of action next week, something to do with Blaine voting for him? He is running for senior class president so this makes sense I guess.
Tune in next time for all the muck that's fit to rake!
Cherrio!
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