Comfortable

Chapter One

By: Ducks

Disclaimer: JAG and its characters or actors are not mine. Damn. But other characters are.

Spoilers: Everything up until Season 9's opener

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          So they safely made it back home to Washington, D.C. but neither of them was back in one piece. Paraguay had been a trying time for both of them. Lessons were still not learned even though revelations are trying to break through.

It took Harmon Rabb Jr. awhile but as soon as he set foot in his apartment, his home, everything came together. He was struggling to realize why he gave everything that ever meant anything to him, for her. He knew all along why he does what he does …because of her. Everything relates back to her.

  A little too late huh? He thought to himself. She's right. Every time she has one foot out of the door do I show visibly show interest. I guess I feel like I have all the time in the world to feel comfortable with moving forward with her and then BAM! Something happens to throw off my balance, such as her leaving for Paraguay, or getting engaged. I was one lucky bastard with her engagement not following through to marriage. But this Paraguay thing leaves me uneasy. She changed while she was down there. She faced things that I would have given my life to make sure she would never see. She formed a bond with Webb, one almost a strong as the one she and I share, and it only formed within a few short weeks.

He sighed and went through the motions of unpacking and cooking dinner. All of a sudden he just felt so alone. He picked up his guitar and strummed a few notes, but even the companionship of music couldn't bring him out of his funk. Even though she had been physically apart from him on that mission for weeks, she was still with him in his head and his dreams. But now it seems like when she crushed his hope of them being anything more than friends, she went inside of his head and broke the bond they had between them. So now, he can no longer think of her and be comforted. He feels so cold.

Even when I was looking for Dad did I ever feel this …empty. Not even after Jordan or even Diane leaving me for the life beyond this world, did I ever feel so alone. And Sarah is right across town, she isn't dead or missing. Why am I feeling like this? How can she make me feel so much, when no one else ever has?

***

Across town Sarah Mackenzie is looking out her window, not even trying to go through the motions of unpacking and getting reacquainted with her surroundings. Things were so much clearer in Paraguay, away from the reality of Washington, but now she isn't so sure that what was said and done in Ciudad Del Este doesn't make much sense back in the real world where real consequences are faced. But feelings are real wherever they take place.

Why did he come and rescue me? The one question I need the answer for and he doesn't even know himself. He gave up his life for me but what does that mean to him? What about Clayton? I never really considered him someone that I could possibly be interested in but that was when I only saw the "spook" side of him. He let me inside and showed me around his thoughts and emotions. He told me that he needed me. When have I ever had a man tell me that he needed me, that he depended on me? How do I feel about Clay? What about him, the only him in my life – the one that has been by my side and been my partner through it all? And now Clay hobbles in a throws another variable into the problem – the jumbled mess of my emotions. I know what is safe but do I know what is real? Should I throw caution out this very window right now and go to what I want to be true? Do I sit and wait for him to come to me? Or do I go for what I am guaranteed to be safe because I know how Clay feels?

If I decide to go the safe route, will I be cheating myself of absolute happiness? Who is my penguin? Or has he not even joined the damn game yet? It's a wonder with all these warring emotions inside of me, consuming my entire mind, make me feel so alone…

Mac continued to look out of her window, desperately wishing for someone to interrupt her solitude. She didn't want to be analyzing her emotions, she had been through life just fine without mulling over what to do but now it seems that that's all she can do. She wants to pick up her phone and call someone but the one person she trusts enough with her emotions to call is the one she is confused about. His ego does not need to get any bigger and if I called him to talk about me thinking about him and us, that's just what it would do. And no one wants a Harm with any more of an inflated ego, they would burn me at the stake. Just thinking about the humorous consequences of her possible actions made Sarah smile. Who knows what's going to happen? I just know that from now on I am going to do what makes me happy and not just focus on what makes other people happy. I am going to be selfish for once and go after what I want. Except first I have to find out what I want.

I really wish Jingo was still here. I hope he's helping Chloe out as much as he helped me out with all the emotional turmoil that comes along with being female.

Author's Ramblings: So what did y'all think? All you have to do is click that ok button right below this note and boom you can tell me what you think of the story. Should I continue? How did you like the format of thoughts and what- not?