Disclaimer: I don't own The Legend of Zelda. I mean, I own the game, I have 'em all, but the series, I mean.
Back in the day, darkness loomed over the holy kingdom of Hyrule.
It was an era in which trees got sick and died, mountains produced red flame instead of your regular everyday carbon monoxide, arrows caught on fire when shot towards the sun and mask salesmen acted a lot less suspiciously.
Amidst the darkness that engulfed that peaceful land, a hero was lying in wait. For seven years.
It was a man who did not speak; instead, he justified his will with actions.
It was a man who did not falter; instead, he never gave in to fear and stood strong against the most intimidating foes.
It was a man who... did not grasp the concept of "privacy", seeing as he was always breaking into people's houses randomly and breaking their boxes and bottles in search of money.
Anyway, that man, along with the legendary Master Sword, brought justice upon those who dared to bring harm upon others; and it was that same mythical blade that he left behind, as well as fame and fortune, when the deed was done. He just walked away, without a word, after saving millions of lives.
Where could that man be? What could he be up to right now?
Day X, Time Y, Lost Woods
"Alright, that's it. I'm done!"
A voice came out of the young boy's mouth, as he looked around him, seeing the trees of the deep forest he shut himself into.
"First some dumb, ominous voice in my head says, 'leave thy blade upon the sacred sanctuary' and forces me to lose my best weapon... then my fairy suddenly leaves, saying she'll get engaged to a 'Russian oil tycoon'... the hell is a Russian anyway?!"
The boy's interesting question echoed far and wide into the woods, but none would dare answer that. I have a fourth wall to maintain here, you know. It's weak enough as is.
"Then," he continued, "I'm told that I should continue to pretend I'm mute, because my voice is apparently as pleasant as a Goron rolling down Jabu-Jabu's belly… well, I say SCREW YOU ALL!"
Yeah, there he is. The hero who saved Hyrule. Link. Bitching like an old man would to his television during a game. He was riding his trusted steed Epona in search of his fairy Navi, who, as said so gently by our brave and trusty hero, had ditched him to better horizons.
"Huh, Lost Woods sure has changed, hasn't it, Epona?" Oh great, I'm talking to my horse. Now I'm sure I need some more of that blue potion... "I remember it used to be one hell of a fucking maze, and now it's just… woods... yeah, some lost woods."
Hearing only horse steps as response, Link continued to look around for his partner.
Okay, Navi, wherever you are, I'm going to find you, and then I will- what the?!
Suddenly, he was interrupted by two fairies, one yellow, one purple, swinging around Epona, which jerked back in response and threw Link off its back. Link looked at them, shocked, and raised his voice at one of the fairies.
"OK, Navi, tell me why you decided to turn all purple and... who's the yellow fairy with you? Is that the Russian you were talking about? Because I- OW!"
Suddenly, a slap from behind stopped his train of thought and threw it off-track - meaning, Link got knocked out by someone. When he woke up, he saw not only the fairies, but also a young boy, much like himself, yet completely different; he was dressed with straw clothing and wearing a straw hat, gear typical of the Skull Kids, which were children who got lost for too many days inside the woods. But more importantly, the boy also wore a veeeery creepy mask, with a few spikes protruding from it, and big, yellow, wide eyes surrounded by all sorts of colorful tribal designs.
"Oh hell no," Link said to the Skull Kid, "I know how this goes, you think I'm just some lost boy in the woods, you wanna make a quick buck, so you assault me, my horse is small, so you see an opening-" MAN, I think that fairy hit me a little too hard…
The strange kid yelped at Link's voice and got scared, turning around slowly. Hiding something with one hand behind his back, he watched as Link crept towards him.
"Well, I'm just going to say it once... give my fucking money back!" Huh, where's my Ocarina? Oh well, I probably dropped that thing back at the castle… again. I'll just...
No answer. Link threw himself at the kid, who in turn dodged and jumped onto his horse, zooming away, the two fairies following him through the dense woods.
"… Great." Link took a few seconds to process what had just happened. "I lost my sword, my friend, my money and my horse. Woo. And now I'm talking to myself, not even to the horse."
A few more seconds.
"… YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT YOU LITTLE-!"
Running as fast as he could, Link found a path of rising logs and a door, which he passed through quickly. After some more running, he accidentally fell on a deep, gaping hole which seemed to never end, until he hit a flower surrounded by a shallow pond - and, somehow, survived the fall - only to find the kid again, ocarina in hand.
Day X, Time Y, Deep Hole In Lost Woods
"That horse of your is an ass!" The kid said, floating in midair, throwing the Ocarina up and down. "It doesn't listen to a word I say and-"
"Er," Link interrupted, "That's because it only listens to me, because we have a kind of blood pact and... you know what, forget it. You were saying...?"
"I did you a favor and got rid of it."
"YOU DID WHAT?!" I'm not taking the subway again!
"And now, what I should do to you... ah, I know!"
Before he could say a thing, Link found himself engulfed in dark magic, his vision blurriying and then coming back on an all-black landscape. Suddenly, some Mad Scrubs charged at him and everything seemed to fade, the air was getting heavy, there were outdated 9GAG meme images everywhere...
"YEEEEEAAAARRRGGGHHHH!" Link screamed, only to see something even more shocking - which is hard - in his reflection on the water before him…